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Sex is still miserable

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SMG1986 posted 6/12/2019 02:18 AM

Just over 2 years since dday and reconciliation has gone well in every area except for our sex lives. WH has been clean and sober for over 2 years, still remorseful, still trying to make me feel safe. But 99% of the times we have sex all I can picture is them and I absolutely dread it- want him to hurry and finish, silently cry during and then head straight to the bathroom to ugly cry after. I know he needs it... but I truly don’t know if I can ever enjoy it again...

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/12/2019 07:18 AM

My brother was into drugs...and drinking...and sex. For DECADES . He lost jobs...marriages...and children because of it . But the RUSH was addicting to him...and he couldn't seem to get enough of it.

He is clean now . He told me the other day how he never realized how GOOD it felt to be sober . It is like he had been drowning before...but didn't realize it...until he was able to take a BREATH .

Your WH can't undo what he did Dear one can. But he has overcome a LOT...and I am sure he wants so BADLY for you to HEAL from his HORRIBLE choices and PAIN that he inflicted on you. It seems that he is HELPING you to heal...and that is WONDERFUL . But what you are experiencing right now can ONLY be conquered by you.

DON'T YOU DARE let any of THEM take this away from you too Dear Lady!!! You have been through so MUCH...but you are saying that everything else is going WELL . You have ONE more hurdle to go in order to win your GO FOR IT with all you have !!!

My H told me that the actual sex was anticlimactic . He said the RUSH was in the pursuit...and having the adultery co-conspirator say YES to spreading her legs . It sounds like this was what your WH experienced too. Sex without LOVE is boring...unenthusiastic...and NOTHING like sex with LOVE in it .

So...TAKE IT BACK . It may take a little while because your brain has had this defense mechanism for a time now that triggers when y'all have sex. But your brain is controlled by YOU . Start with something small...maybe kissing. Imagine all of them lined up watching YOU...and being sad because THEY never got THIS from your WH. THIS was only reserved for YOU .

If that scenario doesn't work...try something that will . Be creative...but be proactive . I thought there were MANY things I would never get back...but I found out I was wrong. I was holding MYSELF prisoner in my own mind. Once I let that sexy lady OUT...she took care of things on her own !!!

Henry Ford once said that "Whether you think you CAN or you think you CAN''re right". The operative word here is THINK . Don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't do anything...especially YOU .

Chaos posted 6/12/2019 10:16 AM

When those mind movies hit me during sex [and they do - more often than not] I amp it up and make it all about me.

Nothing like a good mind blowing O to chase that AP out of my head. For the time being anyway.

The crying in the bathroom later may or may not happen in spite of it. If it does - I go with it. It purges the system so to speak. I've learned I function a lot better when I let it out instead of holding it in.

ChamomileTea posted 6/12/2019 11:03 AM

I know he needs it...

People need air, water, food, shelter from the elements. But sex is a "want", not a need. While it's true that sex can be very therapeutic in recovery, offering biochemical agents which promote emotional pair-bonding, it's not helping if you're further traumatized by it. You're not a sexual vending machine.

Sex needs to be something YOU want or you won't receive the benefits of it. Of course, there are things you can do to get control of your emotions so you can enjoy it, but it really does involve putting your own experience first. Mindfulness can help you stay in the moment and stop the mind-movies. Taking control of what you like and what you don't can help you build confidence. But... when you're not ready, you're just not ready. Getting a little bit outside your comfort zone is okay, good even, but we're talking baby steps. It seems counter-intuitive to R, but prioritizing your needs will take you further than accommodating his wants.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:03 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 6/12/2019 11:12 AM

I am so sorry, SMG1986. That has to be awful. I know it was for me. But, then I learned what W2BHA shared. I stopped the mind movies of "them" with making mind movies for OW.

I would imagine OW in the corner of our bedroom. And, I would put on the most awesome show for OW. And, think about it. The OW in our sitch claimed that my FWH was the "Love of My Life". Well, I hope he was! I hope OW is miserable that OW has not had contact with him for about 7 years now. I imagine OW laying in bed crying and being miserable with mind movies in OW's head of the "Love of My Life" with his wife having fantastic, crazy, passionate sex that OW will never ever have again.

It didn't take long for the mind movies of "them" to stop when I started using this technique. Also, you may want to look into EMDR therapy as that can help ease the mind movies, too.

northeasternarea posted 6/12/2019 11:36 AM

Does he know?

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2019 11:50 AM

(((SMG1986))) You are not alone. Hugs dear lady!

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/12/2019 14:17 PM

Does he know?

This is where I'd start. Show him how you feel. Share that with him so he can help you through it.

I cried during and after sex every time for idk how long during R. I didn't hold it in. I didn't go to the bathroom and hide it. I let my fch comfort me. (And, I do not cry in front of people. Sometimes, I can't even cry in front of myself.)

Brennan87 posted 6/12/2019 15:18 PM

You have been heard...…….

i'm in a similar situation with my WW.

With that being said, Want it, said it best I think!


The1stWife posted 6/12/2019 17:06 PM

I refuse to let the OW infiltrate sex. Not gonna happen. Not ruining that for me.

And just because they had sex during the Affair does not mean it was better than the sex you have. It was just part of the Fantasyland they created.

Refuse to allow it to control you for one more minute. You are better than her and you need to believe it. If the sex during his Affair was “so great” - why did he choose you?

Because the sex during the Affair wasn’t that great - except in your mind, not his.

SMG1986 posted 6/13/2019 01:32 AM

Thank you all for your sweet words. I haven’t been on here for months and was really hoping I’d never be here again but clearly I still have some healing to do.

He does know. Text at work today- “Hope you're having a great morning and I’m so sorry about last night. I'm really sorry that things come in your head and you can't get rid of them. I wish I could help you somehow. just tell me please- I want you to be happy and free”

I almost feel like apologizing to him when this happens because he has worked SO hard and I feel like I am just still so broken and should be moving on. .... but i know I have nothing to apologize for. It’s just a really weird place to be right now...

The1stWife posted 6/13/2019 01:58 AM

Good for you that your H gets it!!!!!

Now it’s time to figure out how to move forward. What can WE do to help you?

Something that helped me tremendously was a YouTube jerk by Will Smith entitled Fault vs Responsibility. I was still struggling with R at the 3 year from DDay mark.

To sum it up the premise is that life throws in curve balls. None of it is your fault. BUT it is your responsibility to heal yourself.

Think of a car accident. It happened. You are injured with a broken arm. Not your fault. But it is your responsibility to heal yourself. You go to therapy. See a doctor. Work to get full use of your arm back or as close as possible.

Same with your marriage. You were hit by Infidelity. Your H gets it. He wants to help you. He can only do so much and unfortunately the rest is on you.

Think of some way to erase the AP from your mind during sex. Would it help if you did something different / like a different location or new sexy lingerie or you initiating it to change how YOU feel or react.

Please let us know how we can help you. Continue to post.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/13/2019 02:44 AM

What a sweet text he sent . This will be sorry in advance . My my request...described the adultery co-conspirator’s pussy as being pretty and pink. She bragged to him that a man once told her she had a porn star pussy...but my H said to HIM it wasn’t what he would have described as a porn star pussy because she had thin outer lips. Whatever . When I thought of him giving her oral...there was no way I could compete against a pretty pink porn star pussy. But I was determined that THEY were not going to take oral sex away from me...THEY had already taken too much!!!

One other thing my H told me was that he couldn’t get hard performing oral sex on her. Although he has said enjoys it...he has never gotten hard with anyone by giving oral sex.

When I was ready... I told my H that I wanted it. I told him I didn’t think I could O from I wanted him to just enjoy himself... and when he was ready...he could stop. I then let things progress from there.

To my surprise...without the “expectation” of getting an O... and having the sensation of my H “enjoying” himself...I was quite relaxed and ended up having a very intense O!!! Even more surprising was finding out that my H was rock hard!!! For the first time... I was able to FEEL an AWESOME sensation of having HIM inside me while my orgasm was still going on !!! WOW!!!

When we discussed more about it H said that he must have been feeling like it was an act of service to perform oral sex on someone...sort of like a “job” in his head. But when I told him I wouldn’t be able to O... it took the pressure off of him to do his “job” well... and for the first time EVER...he was able to enjoy giving oral sex for himself... and his body responded. That made sense . He also said that the adultery co-conspirator may have had a pretty pink porn star pussy...but it sure didn’t react like mine did. He then went on to say hers was like fake fruit...pretty to look at...but never as enjoyable as the “real thing “. So after that...we renamed her pretty pink porn star pussy “Fake Fruit” !!!

Years ago...when I was first writing about of the lovely BW’s told me that when she read “porn star pussy” she immediately thought of “used and diseased”. So NOW...every time my mind goes to that... I think of what she said...and I start chuckling to myself. The adultery co-conspirator didn’t have a diseased one yet... but it was definitely used...and it was still fake fruit !!!

psychmom posted 6/13/2019 07:43 AM

W2bHA you made me blush a little with that sexy story But it feels that those posting ate on the right track for healing this part of infidelity. Bring your WS along to where you are, let them see how hurt you are that the sex that 9nce was so special between you is tainted. Then work to take it back. I hadn't realized before reading this thread that I relied heavily on imagining OW watching my H and I, and I was performing for her while also blowing my H mind a bit. Especially during the hysterical bonding year... very sexy!

But the thoughts that he did those things with the 2 OW really angered me. But talking about it took away the jealously for me. Someone said without the emotion is well, just sex. And most people was the two combined.

I no longer think about sex between them. This is MY house, my body and my enjoyment. I won't let them spoil that for me. It's hard to let go of the meaning we may give affair sex, but you can do it. You can take it back as yours and make it what you need it to be. I get some pleasure from imaging the OW alone and wondering how it fell apart so fast and permanent for them.....that is my revenge. Living well, and taking back my pleasure in sex and intimacy. Keep working on this, SMG. You deserve to have a satisfying sex life that feels right to you. And your H can do his part to help with patience and understanding.

MamaDragon posted 6/13/2019 09:36 AM

possible TMI...

Instead of the act of sex, maybe start off making it all about you - He gets you off, makes your body sing...and he gets nothing but the pleasure of a job well done.

Sounds selfish, BUT while he was in his affair, it was all about him. He wants you to heal so he should be making love to you and making it ALL about you. Maybe a few times of that might help with the mind movies - although the imagining the OW having to watch him making love to you is a good idea too.

Take this back! (hugs)

SisterMilkshake posted 6/13/2019 11:03 AM

@MamaDragon I did that, too. It was ALL about me. I was the queen bee being serviced by her drone bee. That was all he was, my worker bee. And, he worked his ass off. And, he enjoyed it, actually, although I had no fucks to give if he did or didn't. It helped me immensely to be selfish.

Chaos posted 6/13/2019 11:12 AM

MamaDragon SisterMilkshake


onthefence123 posted 6/13/2019 12:18 PM

MamaDragon SisterMilkshake Chaos

Another selfish one here! Sex is all about me. How did I put up with his selfishness for so long prior to his A and during his A? I even talked to him about my needs and he took it personally rather than understanding the funk I was in. It was a vicious cycle.


Chaos posted 6/13/2019 12:27 PM


Oh yeah!

I'll also add - it was and still is empowering. It makes me feel bad ass and bullet proof.

DomesticTourist posted 6/13/2019 13:30 PM

"Reclaiming" my sex life has been problematic for me. My WW had sex many times with her AP. She says it wasn't great, that he was clumsy and selfish and finished fast. Still, it haunts me. I have the proverbial mind movies, sometimes at the worst possible moments.

To her credit, my wife has really opened up the playbook for us and we do things now that we never did before her affair, and that she never did with him. Stuff men like, if you know what I mean. Stuff I frankly never thought my wife, who is no prude but with whom it was a handful of effective but basic techniques previously, would do. She intuitively "got it" that she had to really step up the sex game if this was going to work. It might have been helpful when I told her, "if your plan is to fuck me and feed me until I'm happily married, it's working."

I totally get the "it's going to be all about me" attitude referenced above. There have been many occasions since her confession that I absolutely put it to her for my pleasure. Nothing violent, just really aggressive. Taking what I want, romance novel "ravishing" kind of stuff. This is not "making love."

Funny thing, she really gets off on it. Who knew?

Anyway, I would say hang in there and insist that any sexual contact be safe and fun for you first and foremost. He had his choices, he made bad ones, time for you to call the shots.

It worked for me.

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