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Chance at R if BS is plan B

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RedHeadTemper posted 10/9/2019 13:13 PM

It's there any success stories for BS that found out they're plan b. #2. As in AP broke it of when WW wanted to be with AP. Willing to leave family and such to go with them. AP broke it off, AP wants no contract, AP did the social media blocking, etc. Now WW is wanting to work on the marraige and R.
Feels like a real breaker to me. Anyone have any spouse that got their head out of their butt, cleared the fog and woke up? My wife has everything because of me. I'm a young attractive, successful, man. I've provided better than most for my family, all while being there for my family. Been doing 180 currently and working on my issues that I've gotten since the A. Therapist is really impressed at my progress and changes. I'd love R since we have 3 young kids under 3. But idk if I can live with being the backup plan.

SlapNutsABingo posted 10/9/2019 13:45 PM

Just remember, co-parenting lovingly is the best for children compared to a home where both parents are present but 1 parent is in misery.

Evertrying posted 10/9/2019 14:04 PM

I suppose it could work, but it's up to you AND her in that she needs to do a lot of work.

I can honestly see where she may have thought she wanted the AP (when her head was in her butt) and then when it ended and her head came out, she may now realize it wasn't love and wasn't what she wanted. I don't know. Each wayward and each situation is so different. But remember, A's are full of shit and fantasy.

I don't know your background, but it sounds like her AP was busted and chose his marriage over the A as most do.

Even though (in my opinion anyway,,,) all BS's are "Plan B" during the A. Once the A ends, we become plan A once again. Whether or not the two of you can live with that and work through your issues, only you can decide that.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/9/2019 15:02 PM

I agree with this wholeheartedly:

Even though (in my opinion anyway,,,) all BS's are "Plan B" during the A. Once the A ends, we become plan A once again. Whether or not the two of you can live with that and work through your issues, only you can decide that.

I believe this even though my WH has said numerous times that he "knew the A would go nowhere long term" and that being together was just a "fantasy" that when he thought about it on any rational level, was never going to happen and that I was never "Plan B." I believe this even though my WH has said that "I am a better person" than the AP and that he thinks "I am a better long term partner" than the AP. I believe this even though he has said many things in that same vein. Why?

Because in the long run, I believe that while my WH may really believe all of those things, I believe he still has it in his head that while the AP may not be the right "option" for him, that somewhere deep down where he won't admit it, he thinks that someone else may be "better" so I cannot firmly get in a place where I can relax and believe that he is not looking for that better person. So in that regard it feels like I am always plan B in his mind. Until that changed (it hasn't) I cannot R with him because it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops, be it with some attempt to be with the AP or someone ele in the future.

In my case my WH has been the one to break it off with his married AP. He has also been the one to go back continually while alleging to be trying to R with me. Why? Why would he do that if he believes that his AP is just fantasy land and ultimately would never work out? Hell if I know. My theories are that it is because he still hold onto the fantasy and because he has firmly placed me in the "lesser option" category - the fall back plan. Does he feel guilty for doing what he has? Absolutely. Will that guilt keep him from straying with her or someone else? No. That has been proven.

So, while you really are "plan B" in their minds, there is no possibility, at least for me, of successful R because I am not comfortable with being the person he stays with because nothing better known to them him available. I suspect that is what you are struggling with at its core instead of "can a spouse go from you being plan B back to plan A" because of course that is possible. But will it happen is the real issue, and honestly is something that you will not trust has happened for a long time with your WS, if ever.

In my case it is "easier" as my WH has said in no uncertain terms that he "lost the attraction to me" and that he "was unsure if he wanted to continue to try" and he claims that has nothing to do with his AP, but with his feelings for me, but that he wants to try to R anyway, despite those feelings. That has Plan B written all over it. Could that change? Yes, it can. In my own life, with my WH in actuality, I thought years ago after the first few years of dating that it was not going to work out - and I even felt "not that attracted to him" and found myself interested in someone else (nothing had happened with that person) and we broke things off for several years, only to come back to each other a few years later when I could not even understand why I lost that attraction to begin with.

Will that happen with you? Can you trust your WS's declarations of wanting to work things out and more importantly can you trust the motivations? I don't know how long it's been for you since the AP broke it off with your WW so I don't know how much "pining" is going on with her and how genuine her motives are.

It fucking sucks to be in your (our) position - I can completely relate to how you feel and I'm sorry my post probably gave you more questions than answers, but initially, following d-day1, I was grasping at hope that resulted in over a year of false R. That doesn't happen to everyone so I'm not saying that's where you are now or where you will be. Where to go now is up to you - but if you chose to go forward do so cautiously and watch and see what your WS does - how she behaves and how YOU feel about it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:05 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 10/9/2019 15:15 PM

Evertrying has given you good advice. Are you PlanB? Not if you always value yourself. R is possible, but not at the price of the loss of your self respect. Your situation is complicated by the fact that your WW had an eight month A with another woman. She told the OW she loved her. This situation is also complicated that your WW seems to be emotionally unstable. She has abused you verbally and physically since your DDay. She has huge mood swings from light and loving to raging and ugly. She seems really messed up. This is also complicated by the fact you have three very young children under three. She desperately needs therapy. Is she just acting out to get away from the reality of her life. Some do? I am not trying to make excuses for her. Her betrayal is all on her. Any mental or emotional problem is no excuse for cheating on you. You are a young couple under enormous stress. I donít think your WW knows what she wants, so how can you or anyone be Plan A, B, or Z. Take your time. See if she is willing to do the work to become mentally and emotionally healthy. You take care of you. Continue your IC. Time will help you decide. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

fooled13years posted 10/9/2019 15:42 PM

The problem with being Plan B is that as soon as her Plan A makes herself available again she will be gone and you would have wasted another year, five years, ten years of your life.

Everyone deserves to be their spouse's Plan A.

Evertrying posted 10/9/2019 15:44 PM

I believe this even though my WH has said numerous times that he "knew the A would go nowhere long term" and that being together was just a "fantasy" that when he thought about it on any rational level, was never going to happen and that I was never "Plan B." I believe this even though my WH has said that "I am a better person" than the AP and that he thinks "I am a better long term partner" than the AP. I believe this even though he has said many things in that same vein.

I could have wrote this myself. My H said the exact same thing. That I was never plan B and that his A had a "shelf life".

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/9/2019 16:01 PM

I respectfully disagree with this:

Are you PlanB? Not if you always value yourself.

I would say that you NEVER have to be Plan B if you respect yourself. The fact that you are/were Plan B in your WS's head is something you simply cannot control.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 16:06 PM

I'm plan Q. I think there are probably a good 16 letters above me. So I have no room to talk.

annb posted 10/9/2019 17:28 PM

Your wife had a same-sex affair.

Has she done IC to figure out if she is bi-sexual or gay? That's another issue that needs to be addressed.

Your wife had an affair then lied to you several times about ending it, so honestly, I'd take some time to think about what YOU need.

If the AP didn't dump her, would your wife have come back?

sisoon posted 10/9/2019 17:37 PM

My W had a 4+ month A with a woman. We've R'ed, but my W did a complete turnaround on d-day, and she hasn't faltered since then, almost 9 years ago.

A day or 2 after d-day, my W said she told ow she'd never leave me. I felt great for some time - I don't remember how long any more - and then realized she left me every time she thought about ow, planned time with ow, was on the phone talking or texting ow, was traveling to or from ow, or was with ow.

Doesn't matter what she said - she left me. During the A, I was Plan B.

For a BS, recovering from an A - and I mean recovering, not reconciling - requires finding and enhancing your self-respect, and that comes from inside the BS. And you have to do this to recover, whether you D or R.

The WS just doesn't play a part in that. You have to be your own Plan A. You have to be able to shut down the voices inside you that attack your self-respect. You have to be able to withstand messages you've learned about being a BS.

And you have to acknowledge and accept what you want, even if it's unattainable.

R is about the future, not the present and the past. If you want R AND if your W is a good candidate for R, go for it. If you don't want it OR if she isn't a good candidate, D.

I know ... the problem is that you can't predict the future. One of the numbers I remember is from Shirley Glass. Of her client base in which both partners said they wanted to R, she said, 20% didn't complete R. That means: if you both want R, you've got an 80% probability of succeeding, if you both do your work.

If you both do your work. You heal you. Your W heals herself. Together you heal/build/rebuild your M.

My belief is that WSes are fucked up, especially during their As, and anything they say and do is essentially meaningless. Your W left for ow ... it's just one blow of many. You're free to dump her or stick around, according to what you want - but you'd be wise, I think, to consider her actions as totally separate from the person you are. She left because of her issues, not yours.

Is she a good candidate for R? What do you think?

And more important, what do you want?

The big Qs for me were: is my W willing to be monogamous with me? Is she in love with me? Does she love me?

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 10/9/2019 20:38 PM

It's possible. But just remember, you cannot remain plan B. She needs to get her head out of her ass first. If you were to divorce her (or separate), would she still do the work to become a better person and a safe partner?
I wouldn't even talk about reconciliation until many many months of intense therapy on her part first.
Honestly, I wasn't plan B, Shrek was. I did the kicking out. And then I divorced. Took 10 months for the divorce. Had he done something, anything, i might have at least considered pulling the divorce papers, but bot a second more. Just because i wasn't plan B doesnt mean i was plan only, and I just wasn't ok with that.

StillLivin posted 10/9/2019 20:41 PM

Woah wait a minute, your wife struck you? If not, please disregard, but if she did.
No, this isn't just cheating, not that cheating isn't enough to be a deal breaker, because it is. Abuse is just not acceptable. Please value yourself enough to walk away from that kind of serious toxicity. Again, if I misunderstood, disregard.

Marz posted 10/9/2019 22:22 PM

Now WW is wanting to work on the marraige and R.

This is your problem:

If you're just her backup plan you'll probably get to go through this again. How'd you like the first go round?

Better put some thought into this before you jump into anything.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:23 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

hedothprotest posted 10/9/2019 22:39 PM

I already know people won't like what I'm going to say, but 3 kids under 3 sounds like an extremely stressful time period to me. I do think things like hormones and sleep deprivation can lead people to do some very out of character acts. Not all people, but some people. If it feels like a deal breaker to you then it is. Personally, I think I'd try to give her time to seek professional help to determine if this was a desperate reaction to that stress, or of this is just who she really is consistently. Would it be possible to just keep doing NC while she has some time to sort herself out? And maybe that time we'll help solidify your desire to end things with her. Or maybe she'll truly wake up and see how lucky she's been and do the work to show you your her only plan.

Ganondorf posted 10/9/2019 23:08 PM

It's possible if she's looking at herself and realizing what she's done and is horrified by her choices. Likely even, if you're on board

It's not possible if she's just cut off from her supply and struggling to cope. She's going through a withdrawal and you're simply the closest thing there.

Which do you feel she is?

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 12:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 10/10/2019 02:34 AM

Many jump into self protection mode upfront. Promise the moon.

Read the signs well.

False R's and repeats happen here regularly.

The1stWife posted 10/10/2019 03:07 AM

I was plan B. My H demanded a D numerous times during his year long midlife crisis Affair. She was much younger, single and no kids.

At DDay2 we had an odd set of circumstances. He had ended the affair hours before I found out about false reconciliation for six months. Was I still plan b? Yes b/c hours earlier he wanted a D.

So I finally gave up and told him I was D him. I had no choice and nothing left to give.

Well I guess you could say that opened his eyes and he changed. Dramatically. It took six months for me to consider we were reconciling b/c I still wasnít feeling certain it was true R. But he has changed and I am lucky to say we are very happily reconciled.

My H waffled back and forth on Divorce issue for months. But he clearly wanted to be with the OW and had no one stopping him quite honestly. If he really wanted to be with her he would have. But sometimes it is the fantasy of the Affair - itís just not reality.

I hope your wife gets the help and support she needs.

chelsea9 posted 10/10/2019 03:52 AM

RedHeadTemper, without wishing to get into semantics, we are all Plan B during the A. The question is whether we are Plan A or Plan B afterwards.

Even if the AP was the one to break it off, that doesn't have to mean your WW is only with you because she ran out of alternative options. Lots of WS see things differently once they get their heads out of their butts. Exactly as Evertrying said.

But you need to be satisfied that she is fully in. As are rarely about the AP, they are about fantasy and very shitty ways of dealing with personal crises, or over-entitlement, or most likely a mix of all three.

I'd say that you don't need to rush this, you need to look at the work she's doing and decide how you feel. If she can convince you that you are Plan A then great, if not then you have other options.

Brennan87 posted 10/10/2019 07:29 AM

Redheadtemper,

You've gotten great insight from others on this and this is an ugly topic that all of us have to address and deal with in affairs; unfortunately.

I personally think that each situation is different, we have different dynamics and definitions regarding Plan A/Plan B.

I too felt the AP was Plan A over me for a period of time until I deconstructed reality.

The AP wasn't plan A over me, my WW was plan A. It was all about her, her selfishness, her brokenness, her lack of self worth. Her AP was merely a vessel to help escape. I was Plan B during the affair most definitely in the sense that I essentially didn't exist. I was so inconsequential to her at that time. I was almost a ghost in my own relationship.
I was still Plan B (not as a ghost though) to her even a period after disclosure. It took some therapy and realization on her part to see this and understand it.

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