My W had a 4+ month A with a woman. We've R'ed, but my W did a complete turnaround on d-day, and she hasn't faltered since then, almost 9 years ago.
A day or 2 after d-day, my W said she told ow she'd never leave me. I felt great for some time - I don't remember how long any more - and then realized she left me every time she thought about ow, planned time with ow, was on the phone talking or texting ow, was traveling to or from ow, or was with ow.
Doesn't matter what she said - she left me. During the A, I was Plan B.
For a BS, recovering from an A - and I mean recovering, not reconciling - requires finding and enhancing your self-respect, and that comes from inside the BS. And you have to do this to recover, whether you D or R.
The WS just doesn't play a part in that. You have to be your own Plan A. You have to be able to shut down the voices inside you that attack your self-respect. You have to be able to withstand messages you've learned about being a BS.
And you have to acknowledge and accept what you want, even if it's unattainable.
R is about the future, not the present and the past. If you want R AND if your W is a good candidate for R, go for it. If you don't want it OR if she isn't a good candidate, D.
I know ... the problem is that you can't predict the future. One of the numbers I remember is from Shirley Glass. Of her client base in which both partners said they wanted to R, she said, 20% didn't complete R. That means: if you both want R, you've got an 80% probability of succeeding, if you both do your work.
If you both do your work. You heal you. Your W heals herself. Together you heal/build/rebuild your M.
My belief is that WSes are fucked up, especially during their As, and anything they say and do is essentially meaningless. Your W left for ow ... it's just one blow of many. You're free to dump her or stick around, according to what you want - but you'd be wise, I think, to consider her actions as totally separate from the person you are. She left because of her issues, not yours.
Is she a good candidate for R? What do you think?
And more important, what do you want?
The big Qs for me were: is my W willing to be monogamous with me? Is she in love with me? Does she love me?
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]