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XH and OW getting married

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Braveyogi posted 10/21/2019 09:26 AM

Hi all,
I haven't been on the boards for a while - I've been doing well, moving on with my life and trying to rebuild with friends, family and meaningful activities while raising my two kids. I'm reaching out b/c this weekend I was ambushed by grief and am so cut up and don't know what to do. I saw XH and OW at the airport during the kiddo exchange. She was carrying their baby and they were going on a vacation to a major city - the same city XH and I had a blast in a while back. Also, they are getting married soon in an extravagant destination wedding, and it's all my DD talks about - the dresses, earrings, she'll be the flower girl. The blast of emotions has been overwhelming - even though I so don't want him back (finally free of NPD abuse), seeing them brought up all the old grief, feelings of being totally replaced, seeing them go on an adventure together, while I work my tail off as a single mom, I was so jealous, angry, devastated....just wanted to curl up and die or drink. I didn't do either but Ugggggg
I had been doing so well emotionally (therapy, divorce care, self care) and here I am feeling like sh*t about myself and my life.
Reaching out for help/support. Don't want to burden my IRL friends/family with this.

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 9:29 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Cooley2here posted 10/21/2019 11:26 AM

Underneath all of it you want revenge. You donít want him you just want him to suffer. It is human nature to feel this way. Ask any of your friends when was the last time they were insulted, or had their feelings hurt. People can remember from 30 years ago. Give yourself a pat on the back for not doing anything that could cause you harm.

Forgive yourself for being human.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/21/2019 12:38 PM

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I hope the time can pass and the pain of betrayal isn't as bad.

If i do sperate and D with my wife, I hope she goes to the AP and get married. I think they deserve each other. Then when my wife cheats on the AP and realizes there wasn't any fulfillment there, they both can try to pick up the pieces, and I'll be happily moved on. I'm in limbo though and probably doesn't give you much comfort, but remember how much of a POS the AP is and how glad you are that a crappy WS gets that POS. they won't be happy long.

KonaGal posted 10/21/2019 12:48 PM

Give yourself some time and space to be upset with the news. That's a lot to deal with even if you knew they were still together.

It's hard when your children are involved. It sucks having your children around the person who helped blow up their family, but then also knowing they will be hurt if this new marriage implodes. Which it has a good chance of doing.

Your children will appreciate that you have been the solid parent for them. They may not give you that recognition when you want it, but they will understand it when they are older.

nekonamida posted 10/21/2019 13:00 PM

The best revenge is knowing how OW's life is going to turn out just like yours was when you were married to him. They look happy now but give it a few years. He'll cheat on her and abuse her too. She has no idea what she's signing up for.

Pass posted 10/21/2019 13:05 PM

I understand this additional wrinkle of grief. I used to have it fairly regularly about my NPD ex - and still can once every blue moon. Like you said, it's not that I want her back. I think it's more that I'm grieving for what the marriage could and should have been.

I'm in a fantastic relationship now, but once in a while I think how wonderful it would have been if I'd had this relationship when my kids were little. I see people who have these amazing partnerships with their spouse/co-parent and think how lovely that must be.

So if I'm any indication of normal (tenuous connection some days), then it is totally natural for you to be feeling this. You loved him, and wish he could have been this nice with you.

The answer, of course, is that he can't be that nice with anyone. If he's still playing Mr. Amazing with OW, that'll end soon, and he'll be back to being an arsehole. Sorry you're feeling so badly about this.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/21/2019 13:34 PM

I 100% get this. The sadness for what could have been.

In my case, within 5 years they were fighting so much the kids stopped going over there...in fact, she was yelling at him, hitting him, locked him out of the house.

They are 2 broken people and itís gonna b awful sooner rather than later....

ForTheKids posted 10/21/2019 14:45 PM

If it makes you feel better, itís probably going to be a miserable relationship. Getting married under what I assume are shitty circumstances is usually desperate at best.

When I heard my ex was getting engaged to her AP it stung for a bit but looking back it was just laughable. They never even made it to marriage. They were both miserable and it turns out the AP was a drug addict who sucked at life. My advice....just sit back a laugh how miserable they really are.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/21/2019 16:56 PM

Planning a wedding is exciting. Even a wedding to an asshole. It's all smoke and mirrors. They are ultimately going to be miserable. I promise you. She is his new supply.

Hugs to you, Brave.

Remember, Narcs cannot be fixed. You are free!!!

nothisfriend posted 10/22/2019 09:56 AM

Even though I never wanted him back I still struggled with the feeling of being replaced. BF and I have talked about marriage, but it may never happen for us. I liked being married, I like being in a partnership, but I'm skittish about certain things.

When I see that WXH and OW seem to have it made I tell myself to wonder how she really feels about the prize she won. And it makes me giggle.

undertherug posted 10/23/2019 07:16 AM

When I divorced my first husband, it wasn't due to infidelity. He was just a narc, overall ass, and I got tired of being treated that way. When I learned he was remarrying, however, I admit to being upset. However, that was almost 45 years ago and he is now on his 4th (or maybe 5th) wife, who can keep track? Our daughter can't even figure out the number. Sit back and wait, the odds are this marriage will blow up. Tell your daughter to save that flower girl dress; she may need it again.

The1stWife posted 10/23/2019 08:19 AM

She -the soon to be wife - has no idea what she is getting into.

You should be thankful she took him off your hands and he has someone else to torture. Heís no longer focused on you.

And you have front row seats for his next D.

HappyTree posted 10/23/2019 09:35 AM

I understand your pain.

It has been 3 years since Dday for me and my ex is still with OW. Meanwhile I am still alone. I've dated but nothing has taken off and lately it has just been one disappointment after another.

Sometimes it helps to just think "well, whats worse, me being with that a**hole or her?" Because I certainly would not want him back ever. It also helps for me to remind myself where my priorities are. My ex just went on a little trip out of state with her. I was jealous for a moment, until I realized that I took the kids to Disney World this month! Lets be real here, where would you rather be? Where are your priorities? Chances are they are different then your exes!

hopefullife posted 10/27/2019 07:29 AM

I can imagine. It's like they are getting of the hook and being rewarded. I fear the same myself. But can AP and WS ever be at peace? I remind myself that every time. No matter the happy facade they put in front of people they will always carry the burden and the fear. M hasn't stopped your XH from cheating or being abusive so don't forget that.

deena04 posted 10/27/2019 15:25 PM

Big hugs to you!! One day at a time is all that you need to look at. She will soon find out what he's like.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/28/2019 13:23 PM

My mom was the AP and they married. They are still married. And heís cheated on her again since then but from the outside no one I including the OBS would ever know. From the outside they have seemed happy and admittedly they have been happy at times. Idk what their relationship is like now. They have been married for 35 years and now that they are older honestly they seem happy. My XHís father married his AP and they seem happy as well but who knows. It could be a shit show and none of us know it.

But thatís the way it is. Not everyone has a shitty second marriage even if itís borne out of deceit and lies. Most do but not all. And yeah itís inherently unfair for those of us who were used, abused, and ultimately discarded so all you can do (Iím told) is to focus on your own life and make the best of it. Iím not doing a good job of that right now at all so my advice sucks.

Iím sorry you are feeling the way you do and I just wanted to say I get it.

EvenKeel posted 10/28/2019 13:41 PM

Hugs Yogi!

From your tagline:

Divorced May 2017

You are HARDLY past the two year mark. You are still healing. That is why this is hitting your extra hard.

feelings of being totally replaced
Remember, you are being replaced as a partner to someone who devastated you. Would you really want to be in her shoes knowing where that path goes?

You are grieving the future you thought you had/wanted. That is healthy. Just remind yourself that you are building a much better/healthier future for you and you child!

and it's all my DD talks about
That must be really tough for you. It is a hard job to force a smile and be excited with our children at times like this but it is what we do. Parenting - it ain't for sissies

I know you don't feel like it but you are doing a great job. You just keep marching down that path. You are such a strong and independent person - what a great role model for your DD.

Hang in there!!!

cancuncrushed posted 11/29/2019 09:20 AM

Please remember. Your seeing the mask. Your seeing the fake man you fell for. This is a shit show. One day he will emotionally abuse her. Cheat on her. And destroy her. Before moving on to the next victim. This is Npd.

His stage play is attractive. He is alluring. It can be great fun for awhile. Then hell sets in. He was not what he looked like or pretended to be. They tire of everyone.

I know. I am madly in love with the fake man. Heís long gone. Performance over. The jerk is a predator looking for the next nice girl. You have to always remember this.

I honestly feel sorry for these women. Sorta

I will miss the fun vacations. The nice dinners. Etc etc. he was bragger. It was all show for others to praise him. He acted like s jerk while there. Cheating

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:25 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

cass posted 12/6/2019 16:19 PM

Dear Braveyogi- it's all fake so let them get on with it. She'll find out soon enough but not your problem anymore.

Long time ago my dad did the same. Married affair partner. She's had the life of hell with him but her choice. Leave them to it and be who you are. Feel nothing for them, not even pity, anger nor regret. Their choices - their lives and good riddance.

Hold your head high and big hugs to you - you'll be ok

Braveyogi posted 12/7/2019 10:20 AM

thank you all so much for your kindness and wisdom - i really appreciate not being alone through this sh*tstorm. The wedding is this week. I'm staying calm, busy, connecting with friends and working out. I'm sorry to hear so many of you have lived through or witnessed something similar. Sending winter hugs to you all.

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