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When your WS gets sick how...vent

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DragnHeart posted 10/28/2019 18:57 PM

How do you reconcile the feelings of anger, resentment etc. when in the BS position?

WH got sick (details in thread in OT).

I'm supposed to be the caring compassionate wife who doesn't mind playing nurse.

But I do mind. I'm angry that I am caring for him, while handling the stress of the kids, the financial mess this leaves us in, trying to catch up on my sleep since I went over 24 hours without and just cant get a good night's sleep...

And of course while in the mist if a serious illness WH still had the nerve to "check out" nurses...fml I lost it and told the doctor why I was so pissed off and when he got admitted ended up with a male nurse!!! Ha! I'll admit I was feeling the same I did on the first DDay. How dare he look at and comment on a fucking nurse when I spent all day and all night awake with him, while dealing with the kids and having to call in family to help. How dare he get angry AT me for being pissed off then telling me to leave because I didn't approve of his behaviour. And of course just when I was going to get some rest he texts me non stop from his hospital bed to come be with him because NOW he NEEDS me...

And even though wh is supposedly on the road to recovery hes still being a difficult asshole with keeping up fluids and doing what the doctor has instructed.

Hes an adult. I can't force him to do anything. It's up to him to work towards getting better.

Hes been all cuddly. Wants me with him non stop since coming home. Its just all about him like it always has been. It takes everything I have not to scream at him.

And of course being that I'm trained in certain medical areas I'm equipped to handle alot of the medical stuff, shit I even told the doctors what the problem was well before they officially diagnosed it. So I can and have turned in the professional nurse light and boxed my emotions. Of course now he refers to me as "all stick and no sugar".

If he wasnt a wayward.

If he hadn't fuxked multiple woman.

If he had had the decency not to gawk at the nurses I'd be more than ok being the compassionate wife.

Of course boxing my emotions has left me festering with frustration that it's all going to come bursting out and probably at the wrong person...I'm also riddled with guilt for even having these feelings.

I just dont know how to cope with all of this. Can someone just tell me I'm not insane and I'll be ok?

Dorothy123 posted 10/28/2019 19:07 PM

Can someone just tell me I'm not insane and I'll be ok?

No, you are not insane.

Yes, you will OK.

Easy does it.

One day at a time.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/28/2019 19:43 PM

Coco,

You’re not insane, you’re just married to an asshole

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/28/2019 20:41 PM

Hes an adult.

So, let him adult. You do not have to take care of him. If he is really in need of help, he can hire a nurse.

Take care of yourself and your kids. That is all you are obligated to do.

ScarredSurviver posted 10/28/2019 21:02 PM

I don't suppose this medical condition would require an enima or catheter? Could be a teaching opportunity. I've got several relatives in the medical field, there's no way I'd piss off someone who is caring for me.

StillLivin posted 10/29/2019 02:40 AM

You'll stop feeling anger and resentment when you stop doing for his ass. Just...STOP.
Seriously, go home. Turn your ringer off and get some sleep. Take care of yourself, then the kids, then, if you have the energy to give anymore, the cheater.
You're resentful because you keep giving and giving and he doesnt appreciate it. Newsflash this is who he is. He hasn't appreciated you in the past, why would he start now. If you can't give of yourself without expecting him to be a decent human being g in return, then stop giving so much. I'm not saying to stop doing the basic stuff you would do for a stranger in the street, but give no more than that. Otherwise, you're going to be a big wad of anger and resentment for much longer.
Detach and do your thing. It's pretty freeing.

StillLivin posted 10/29/2019 02:40 AM

You'll stop feeling anger and resentment when you stop doing for his ass. Just...STOP.
Seriously, go home. Turn your ringer off and get some sleep. Take care of yourself, then the kids, then, if you have the energy to give anymore, the cheater.
You're resentful because you keep giving and giving and he doesnt appreciate it. Newsflash this is who he is. He hasn't appreciated you in the past, why would he start now. If you can't give of yourself without expecting him to be a decent human being g in return, then stop giving so much. I'm not saying to stop doing the basic stuff you would do for a stranger in the street, but give no more than that. Otherwise, you're going to be a big wad of anger and resentment for much longer.
Detach and do your thing. It's pretty freeing.

Sambridge posted 10/29/2019 03:14 AM

WH obviously feels like he's got away with so much, he'll continue to do so because you've bottled everything up and there's been no negative consequences for him from his behaviour.

Show him or tell him what you've posted. I'm guessing it pretty much summarises the situation. If he thinks that he comes across okay after and most likely starts blaming you or throws a self-pity blanket over himself, then walk. I'm surprised you're still with him after the multiple women.

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 07:04 AM

you’re just married to an asshole

Agreed!


If he is really in need of help, he can hire a nurse.

Firstly if he required non stop care I would have insisted he stay in hospital. And home care is not something we can afford.


I don't suppose this medical condition would require an enima or catheter? Could be a teaching opportunity. I've got several relatives in the medical field, there's no way I'd piss off someone who is caring for me.

Ha! No but sometimes I wish it had been lol. However knowing him he'd get off on me or any female nurse doing catheter care... If he isn't careful with the opiate use he could get constipated. Not drinking alot or eating much so that is a possibility. In that case I'll just skip the laxatives and go straight for an enema hahaha

You'll stop feeling anger and resentment when you stop doing for his ass. Just...STOP.

I dont have to baby him but I do have to keep an eye on him so he doesn't end up on the floor just going to the bathroom. Make sure he takes his meds. Pick up the prescriptions. Take him to appointments.

I just dont feel that if the situation was reversed that he'd do the same for me. He wasnt very sympathetic to me after my 3 c sections. Then again back then he was still in one affair or another so his priority wasnt his wife.

And hes pulled the guilt trip crap the Friday I left him in hospital alone. That's when he was checking out the nurses and commenting I got mad. Doc said he could go home if he wanted but he chose to stay (after he had bitched to me for HOURS that he wanted to go home). He knew I still had to drive an hour to deal with our kids (at my parents) then an hour back after no sleep. He knew I had stayed because they said he was going to be released and I was going to take him home. Then he up and changed his mind. He told me to just leave. So I did. Then later begged me to come back. And after he got home the first time said that I was mean for leaving him. I walked out on him. Ugh!.

The1stWife posted 10/29/2019 07:24 AM

Set boundaries with him NOW. You will only do x y and z. The rest is on his own healing and self care. Or you do what you need to do to get him back to work ASAP and then start the 180 in terms of his care.

Let him go to his doctor appointments alone. Let him make the damn doctor appointments also. Let him figure this out. Let him suffer if he makes poor choices.

He’s not remorseful. He’s needy. And he has expectations that you will fulfill his needs.

Time to start your empowerment in YOUR life. He wants to flirt with the nurses? Then he doesn’t get to have you support him during his recovery.

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 08:00 AM

He’s needy. And he has expectations that you will fulfill his needs.

Yes! Very needy. But as I told him i am nothing special. Any female could fulfill his 'needs'. Theres nothing about me that makes me special to him.

Or you do what you need to do to get him back to work ASAP and then start the 180 in terms of his care.

This will be the way it is. Hes the only source of income and just two weeks without has left us struggling. Once hes back to work full time I've got to find a way to heal from this.

In the mean time I'm just trying to contain the anger. Every once in a while it surfaces. But the doc said he needs to stay "stress free"...

I'd take it my anger by being physical working out etc. But the night before I took him to the hospital I fell down the back deck stairs and came out looking like Barney (as in purple from bruises) and a couple weeks later I'm still hurting. I dont know what to do with this feeling. The more I stuff it the more I feel like I'm going to snap.

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 08:19 AM

I could do something like this. Lol. I'm trying to hold it together today but the emotions are not staying stuffed...

tushnurse posted 10/29/2019 13:16 PM

Send him to his Momma's house let her take care of him for a few days.

He is being a child. He needs a mom, not a wife, not a nurse, but a mom. You are not the mom.

crazyblindsided posted 10/29/2019 13:34 PM

Send him to his Momma's house let her take care of him for a few days.

I like this idea

(((DragnHeart))) ugh so sorry you are having to deal with a man-child. You are not crazy but he is trying to make you feel that way.

Leave.
Turn off the ringer.
And go get a massage

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 13:35 PM

Yep. That's what he needs. But even his mother doesn't want him there lol.

His pain is there. Even when laying down after taking the pain pill it was still there. It went away after a while but it worries me that he was in a prone position and still had pain.

If he was a child I would have had him back to the hospital but as an adult he is making the decision not to go. Hes scared. I get that but if hes going backwards instead of forwards he needs to go back.

I'm just to tired to fight with him right now and still trying to figure out how to manage my anger.

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 13:38 PM

A massage wound be great as long as they dont touch my shoulder. If I had the money I would go. Just relieve this stress and anger.

And I.meant to add before I'm trying to contain how I feel cause its tempting to put him in the hospital lol. At least he would be out of my hair.

I haven't done anything useful around the house and its piling up. Ugh! I need to drag my sorry ass out of the depression hole i dug and deal.

survrus posted 10/29/2019 15:12 PM

DH,

Sorry you have to put up with this, we send money every month to my Father in law who cheated horribly and repeatedly on my Mother in law.

I sometimes don't know how to handle the injustice either, he got his jollies now we pick up the tab!

My mind shifts from compassion for him to feeling he is getting what he deserves.

If your WH has issues going to the bathroom buy a strap on and do to him what he did to you.

Catwoman posted 10/29/2019 17:49 PM

I don't know how things work in Canada, but here in the States some companies have EAP programs for things like respite care. It sounds like you need it.

If that doesn't work, if he's well enough to ogle nurses, he's well enough to read a story to your children while you take care of something else or just sit with a cup of tea. He's well enough to ask his mother to come and help.

Until you change the dynamic, nothing will change. Once he is well, he's going to have to take his turns with child care and kid-wrangling.

If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten. Remember, it's not that you aren't doing enough in the marriage--it's that most of the time the WAYWARD isn't doing what is needed in the marriage.

This is a prime example.

Cat

DragnHeart posted 10/29/2019 18:07 PM

Right now hes snoring on the sofa with little M snuggled up to him.

Hes not so bad that I'd need respite care brought in. I can leave the house if I need to. He just needs to stay in bed.

I had thought he was working on being wayward. I was wrong. The ogling nurses proved that. Knowing him he'll just blame being on good meds at the time.... I've told him his actions hurt but all I got was a typical "sorry" which we all know means squat.

When this is all said and done and hes healthy again I'm insisting on getting some sort of counseling. The doctor that he had in hospital wants him seeing someone just for his anxiety which when bad comes out as anger. Hes on meds now for that so we will see if it helps.

I'm going to have to take time for me after all of this. I've lost myself in all the crap we've gone through and I need to find myself again.

That might mean.movjng forward without him. I'm not sure yet. Like I said there were no infidelity related issues until the hospital visit...

DragnHeart posted 10/30/2019 10:15 AM

Yesterday he was considering going back to the hospital.

Today he's playing the "I'm fine" card.

And hes trying to be helpful however hes in my damn way and its pissing me off.

Not that I feel like doing a damn thing right now but theres stuff to do.

He kept his distance last night after I vented a bit to him. Told him I'm just angry at how he acted and how much of a jerk he was and is being towards me.

Today he isn't talking much to me, which is fine. Just wish he would stay in bed or at least out of my way...

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