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When your WS gets sick how...vent

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HeartBreaker11 posted 10/30/2019 10:32 AM

You are an absolute SAINT for continuing to care for him, especially how he treated you while he was at the hospital. Sick or not, no excuse for his disgusting behavior.

As a nurse, I HATE when patients oogle me. So uncomfortable and gross. Even without the previous infidelity, this is an awful way for him to treat women. Women don't like being oogled, especially when they are at work trying to take care of him with a serious illness. Men who treat women this way have absolutely no respect for women as human beings and only see women as sexual objects. With the infidelity history, it is even worse.

I would create some boundaries with him, if you can.
You will do x, y, and z for a specific amount of time until he can do these things by himself. Maybe even ask his doctor for a recommendation on how long recovery should take so that he doesn't milk it and play helpless in bed even longer.
And please please try to schedule some time for self care. Let the household work pile up (HE CAN ASSIST WITH THIS WHEN HE IS FEELING HEALTHY AGAIN), and take a break and focus on yourself for a bit. Even if it's just taking a bath for a half hour, or sitting for a bit watching your favorite show. Do something totally and completely for you.

DragnHeart posted 10/30/2019 10:59 AM

I keep telling him that all i am to him is a vagina. That's how I feel. Only when HE wants something does he do something nice for me.

Luckily i think the female nurse he had the second day in the ER was so busy she hopefully didn't notice his comments. He stupidly made them to ME...and when he had asked to go to the washroom she sorta forgot him cause of stuff happening across from where we were with another patient. She came back and apologized for the delay. She unhooked his IV and he went. I could have done it for him but ya no lol. He could suffer a bit after what he said. Man I just should have left at that point. It's not like he doesn't keep saying I left him when the truth is I left because he told me too...

He says hes fine now. Won't take any pain meds. I think hes trying to fake his way back to work cause theres no paycheck this week and if he doesn't go back for a day or two there won't be one next week. But if he goes back now he could make his back worse and land up back in the hospital.

Things were bad here before he got sick and now it's just plain shitty. Mortgage company said insurance is for death, not disability or illness so they expect payment on time. Phones will be cut off next week. Lifes just fucking grand.

I'd be able to handle all the other shit happening if I didn't feel like smacking him with a 2x4. All those infidelity feelings that were here on my Ddays are all back and I know I'm depressed.

DragnHeart posted 10/30/2019 16:25 PM

Is there an emergency bail money for bs fund? Ii swear he keeps up his shit and I'm going to need bail money.

Why does he have to be such a fucking jerk...omg I need a drink.

Hugs, jojo, prayers to calm the dragon before fire flies? Help?

DragnHeart posted 10/31/2019 16:31 PM

About to head out with the kids for halloween but i find myself consumed with the anger that I cant 'stress out wh by being the nagging bs". I just want to talk about what happened in the hospital how its affected me and what he plans to do to not be wayward anymore. Hes just not up to talking. Geez it was meningitis. His mouth works perfectly fine.

I'm a complete mess inside and its killing me having to bottle it up for his sake to get better.

I needed to vent this out cause I have to be all happy with the kids and thata really hard to do these days

StillLivin posted 11/1/2019 11:29 AM

I think at this point you'd be wasting your breath talking. When will you finally accept that THIS is who he really is? Do you think that by being the doting nurse and great wife to him, that he'll magically realize what he should have all along and do a 180 and become the husband you want him to be? Because that's not how this works. By continuing to not only stick around for his BS, but to in turn cater to his needs, the only thing he actually learns is that he can get away with it and you aren't going anywhere.
You'd have to be seriously intellectually challenged to not know when your comments and actions are inappropriate. For him, he knows, he just doesnt care. He's pathetic and desperate for ego strokes anywhere he can get them. And it's pretty disgusting from where I'm sitting. You may dear sweet DragnHeart deserve so much better. Even if your not in a situation to D, you can still detach. And ask my X if you don't believe me (or anyone else who has disrespected me with abuse), I'd let the motherfucker die before I'd lift a finger to help him with shit. And I would not have visited him in the hospital either. And if he dared to disparage me for not visiting, I'd simply just laugh in his face and tell him to get use to it with absolutely 100% mirth and not an ounce of animosity or acrimony. I just wouldn't care anymore. He's a sinking ship and he's going to take you down with him if you let him.
There are some great candidates for reconciliation here, your husband isn't one of them.

DragnHeart posted 11/1/2019 11:42 AM

There are some great candidates for reconciliation here, your husband isn't one of them

I know.

I guess I am in the camp of put up and shut up til the kids are older. DD has some friends whose parents are divorcing and the hell those kids go through DD said she doesn't want. She has asked if we will D and I told her she doesn't have to worry about that.

In reality I'd love to kick his ass out. I'm sure hes feeling like just a paycheck since I told him if he was well enough to want sex he was well enough to work but I'm thinking of how to feed the kids right now. No I dont want him getting worse again because hes back at work today but at the same time I've called food banks that cant help, and have a whole $25 on me for food. And that's not even the worst. Phones will be shut off Monday, mortgage due Friday, no money for gas for the van so he'll need to get picked up all next week. to heat the house. And its fucking cold.

Everything happened all at once with thr worst timing and I'm supposed to hold it all together after he acts all fucking wayward while laying in a hospital bed with a wife at his side. Fuck I could just scream.

After the 20th we should be back to normal but until then yes I'm totally detaching. I cant afford to have his shit pile up on my mind while I've got so many other problems to deal with.

BTW "bs" and BS I find funny. One is betrayed spouse the other bullshit. And yes being a betrayed spouse IS bullshit.

Sorry for the vent.

DragnHeart posted 11/1/2019 12:27 PM

Notice in the mail. Vehicle insurance cancellation. fml. That's why I have no money. I PAID it. Called the broker who said the cheque and letter passed in the mail. Took their sweet ass time sending it. I nearly broke down crying in the driveway. But it's all good. Insurance is fine. Another useless money grab. Whatever. Ugh.

WH needs to get well enough to bank some overtime and take a week off to watch the kids while I go for a mental health break at the hospital...with No visitors...

StillLivin posted 11/1/2019 14:35 PM

I can't remember if you're in the States or not. If so, contact the Salvation Army for help with the Bill's (fuck I hate autocorrect and it keeps changing it to Bill's) and contact every church within a 10 mile radius for food. If I had the money, I would send you some for food or at least get you and the kids some stuff from Costco. I'm broke too. Not as bad off as you yet..
Can I send you a virtual hug instead?

StillLivin posted 11/1/2019 14:38 PM

Well crap, I just saw that you are in Canada. I'm sure some of the churches can help with the food though.
Are there any other organizations similar to the Salvation Army in your neck of the woods?

DragnHeart posted 11/1/2019 14:43 PM

Sorry. Kids just got home. WH a few.minutes before thay and hes freaking on me for starting a fire in the fireplace. A wood stove would be better. But I've got the house 5 degrees the moving room.

No clue what may be around here. I'll check churches. Hate asking for help. Hate more that wh boss can go buy atvs galore but cant pay him any sick leave. Wh family went crickets when he asked for help. I'm waiting to see of my brother can pick the kids up food.

I feel totally beat down today. But happy face for the kids...

DragnHeart posted 11/1/2019 14:48 PM

Oh man wh is now whining that he should have gone back to work yesterday like I told him to....

If he had he would have had indecent pay next week. Grrr.

Hes pain. More than hes admitting. His face screams it even though hes trying to hide it. He sees his doc again on the 18th and may be told he has to return to hospital for more tests or whatever. At least if that happens we will have one full pay in the bank, and the kids benefits come in shortly after.

Edited 4 spelling

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 2:48 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/1/2019 15:42 PM


Do you know how we always say the cheating was something that only the WS is responsible for?

Well, prior to DDay, I was a great wife. I supported the endeavors he pursued ( that I knew about), tried to boost his ego, tried to shield him from the big, bad world out there.

By protecting him, IDO believe it helped him believe he was entitled to chasing women.

Your WH is playing you. Heís the poor sick guy. If you donít play along, youíre the bad guy.

So, being the nice one hasnít worked for any of us BS. Be like him. Donít be nice, donít be sensitive to his needs. Just take care of your actual children. If WH wants more care, tell him thatís his APís job now. He fired you

DragnHeart posted 11/1/2019 15:50 PM

Ok I gotta be a smart ass for a sec... which of the many AP's would have actually stayed awake for 30+ hours to be with him?


I did and he acted like a child. He still doesn't appreciate that one fact. I was with him when no one else was.

He said that I'm being all miserable. Geez I wonder why. And I'm not being miserable. I'm stressed to the max with terrible thoughts going through my head while four kids drive me crazy in a cold house. Ugh!

I can see now just how little I mean to him and that I'll never be the wife he wants. No one could cause hea not looking for love and companionship, he just wants a whore.

josiep posted 11/3/2019 14:05 PM

I hope, hope, hope you get some relief really soon. Maybe some unexpected money will arrive in the mail and he'll start to feel 1000X better and be able to work overtime for the next several weeks.

However, barring that, I wish you the serenity and peace to get through it all with your own health and mental energy in good shape. What you're having to endure is beyond what most people can even imagine, let alone survive.

Best to you.

DragnHeart posted 11/3/2019 14:13 PM

I pray daily for relief but alas the Lord wishes for me to suffer.

Perhaps I was a real bitch in my last life lol

Wh is going downhill. Pain. Total exhaustion without even doing anything. He needs to be back in hospital. He won't cause he knows we need money.

Another 14 days and things should be ok with money. I'll have the child benefits then. I'll be able to get heat again. For now we manage as best we can and I hold out long enough to be able to take time for me when I can. Seriously need a stay in the mental health unit.

Say a prayer. Send some mojo. Throw out a hug. Trust me it helps

Edited for spelling. This phone is possessed

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 2:14 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

JustDone posted 11/3/2019 21:26 PM

I just saw and read this thread, Dragn. I'm so sorry.

I had viral meningitis a few years ago. Could barely sit in a car to the hospital my doctor sent me to because every little pothole felt like my head was going to explode and fly off and I wasn't able to speak coherently. Couldn't sit up, couldn't eat, couldn't talk, couldn't sleep.

Luckily the spinal tap showed it was viral and not bacterial. meningitis. I was in the ER for a long time but wasn't even admitted to the hospital once it was confirmed, as there is no direct treatment. It being a virus, there was only support, like pain management. I went home and couldn't get up, except to go to the bathroom, for probably close to a month, I hate to say. It was truly awful. I still couldn't sit up at all, and could only lay flat. Once I was actually able to get up and move I had sciatica, I think from being immobile for so long. So it took physical therapy to be able to get me to walk again.

I hope your husband recovers more quickly. Even with my illness I didn't mistreat those around me, being sick is not a reason to abuse other people. I'm so sorry you are going through as much pain as your husband is. You deserve so much more...

Sending hugs and hope.


DragnHeart posted 11/4/2019 03:42 AM


Thank you for sharing your experience. This has really taken and physical and emotional toll on him. Hes gone back to work against doctors advice because of the financial issues and I hate it. Hes exhausted. Hes in pain. His vision has changed. The back pain especially worries me. Still cant sit for any length of time without pain. Hes getting a headache now when laying down. He rolled over in bed onto his stomach and got a sharp pain in his back then an instant headache.

It's a complete mess.

DragnHeart posted 11/4/2019 03:43 AM


Thank you for sharing your experience. This has really taken and physical and emotional toll on him. Hes gone back to work against doctors advice because of the financial issues and I hate it. Hes exhausted. Hes in pain. His vision has changed. The back pain especially worries me. Still cant sit for any length of time without pain. Hes getting a headache now when laying down. He rolled over in bed onto his stomach and got a sharp pain in his back then an instant headache.

It's a complete mess.

DragnHeart posted 11/4/2019 09:52 AM

I wanted to send iut a thank you to everyone who has posted, said a prayer, sent mojo or hugs.

Good news. No loss of phones. You're all stuck with me for a while longer

I swear it was a total fluke this happened but also a total God send. SI magick exists!

Thank you.

cancuncrushed posted 11/4/2019 11:06 AM

People have to be respectful. Even if they arenít well. Itís not an excuse to treat others badly. Trying is still important.

I took care of Wh for three years. Making all his appointments. Finding specialists. Arranging m r iís Attending all of it. I researched. I checked and monitored him. It was brain damage from alcohol.

I was bitter. Angry. And pushed it down. He quit meds. Dropped appointments. And still attracted to women. It was hell There was no appreciation.

In the end. He was sober three years. Improved greatly

Meds helped He decided he was back to normal. He
started drinking again. And cheating again. And left me for Ow

I donít feel guilty at all. I did what was needed. I did what I felt was right. He couldnít wait to repeat It showed me everything. We are Díd. He was dumped by Ow. He hates me????
Drinking is chronic. He attacked me. I can no longer be the one He only speaks of punishing me. Was Married 36

I would do things differently. Not sure exactly at what point. But certainly different. He left me. That leaves my conscience clear. In my eyes and everyoneís.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:14 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

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