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notrightinthehea posted 11/1/2019 12:15 PM

We are 5 months from DD1 - a month from DD2 (the rest of my trickle truth)

He reads posts here almost non stop, but hasn't noticed how many couples survive.
Am I just imagining it?
Who are having success reconciling? I know it is a never ending process... but .. is anyone "successful" ?/

KingRat posted 11/1/2019 12:24 PM

It's hard to put a number on it. There are a lot of couples that stay together, but not everyone of them reconciles.

I think its more important to look at what you the couple needs to do to be successful rather than looking at the numbers because numbers are meaningless because the results depend on the variables.

You are both MHs. This means you both will need to search individual and make each other safe partners for the other. Once you both figure out yourselves, you will need to look at how you can both contribute to your relationship problems to determine how it will can be improved so you can each be individually safe partners and come together for the benefit of having a meaningful and enjoyable relationship.

ETA: I believe MHs can (not do) have a higher chance of success because the mutual betrayals can (again, not will) result in a common ground that will be more likely to inhibit defensiveness and conjure empathy which are essential ingredients for R.

However, you mentioned that your BH does not recognize his betrayal as infidelity. That is problematic and will be a barrier to R. He must recognize his role, and you must recognize your role. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! You must accept your roles and actions are independent and not the result of the others.

[This message edited by KingRat at 12:33 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

fareast posted 11/1/2019 12:29 PM

My fWW have survived and have been in R a long time. But KingRat is correct. Everyone’s path is different. There is no one-size-fits-all template for R. Your individual and M dynamics make al, the difference. KingRa5 has excellent advice.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/1/2019 12:39 PM

4 years after D-Day. We are together and our marriage is better now than before the A.

Take R as the gift it is to really and truly work on yourselves to heal and fix. At the same time work on all the things in your marriage to make it successful.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/1/2019 12:43 PM

We are working at it. Truthfully it’s very hard, healing is slow for me even though she is doing it right...it’s just me, I’m not sure recovery will be fully possible this time.

No rug sweeping this time, so the reality of what she has done is still right at the surface for me, and it’s difficult to accept.

But I’m trying.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:44 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Chaos posted 11/1/2019 13:13 PM

"make it", "success" are relative terms. And an individual ones.

In the Reconciliation Forum there is a Positive Reconciliation Stories thread. Give it a read when you get a moment.

I am in a good place now. WH is in a good place now. We are in a good place now together.

Evertrying posted 11/1/2019 13:28 PM

We are just a little over 2 yrs from dday and we are still together. His A lasted 1 yr.

The first year was pure hell for us, but our marriage was in trouble pre A and we had literally stopped communicating with each other.

It can work out though and does for many. The key is that you BOTH have to want the same thing (to stay together) and then you have to be prepared to do the hard work and I won't lie, it ain't easy.

Chicklette posted 11/1/2019 13:38 PM

We are just over 7 months past DDay and I can definitely say we’ve been in R for over 6 months. What helps is that WH is genuinely remorseful and working hard to be a safe husband and to help me heal and feel secure. But as others have said, we’re all different and things can change at any time. But I remain hopeful that we might make it.

hdybrh posted 11/1/2019 13:59 PM

Many marriages survive, many don't... and every situation is unique, though here you'll see common patterns that align with success or failure. Though there are some here who had unremorseful spouses who turned it around, there are common characteristics to those that survive. Sharing your story helps to see your chances, but it is your choice and your spouses choice whether to do the work and what the decision is. The path is hard but it gets better regardless of the road. The process is not "never ending" though it is hard and takes time.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 17:41 PM

My guess is many who survive do not stick around, just like many who make it a dealbreaker never post of do not stick around.

Like some others said, surviving is probably a bit different that actually reconciling in the true meaning of the word.

Many reasons why people stay together. Calling them reconciled is I think stretching the definition.

The1stWife posted 11/1/2019 18:10 PM

We have survived the affair and we were on the brink of divorce.

We are very happy and one of the lucky ones.

NoMorDeceit posted 11/1/2019 21:49 PM

We were reconciled. Successfully". But...

I'm 10.5 years out. A few years ago I had this revelation, I was in the same relationship he was in and I never cheated on him, even after he betrayed me. It took me 8 years, but I realized it was a deal breaker. I realized that I deserved so much more than someone who had cheated on me. It didn't matter to me if he had changed, if he wasn't that person anymore. It was the fact that he did it. Period.

I was so scared when it all happened. I had a young son, we had moved across the country to be with him...after dating him for 4+ years and I had given up a good job and was a SAHM with him. I took a hardline though. I gave him a 3 count to decide his side pork or me. Turned out it was a lot of side-pork, I swallowed a ridiculous shit sandwich and even with him doing the right things, it took me years to fully heal. Years when my son was little that are a blur to me because I was so focused on my healing and watching him like a hawk.

Even in the years after I considered myself fully healed, every once in a while when he would run to the store for something and I would hear the garage door go down and the car pull away for a fleeting second I'd think "I wonder if he is calling someone." I shook it off fast and his phone was available to me anytime. I had 100% transparency. It wasn't a gut thing, it was a mind thing. Something about it the last time it happened really bothered me.

I realized he never had that feeling of panic, even fleeting, never a worry about my faithfulness. Never. I realized I deserved that too. Even if I meant being alone. Even if it meant struggling. No matter what it meant, I deserved to never have to question for a nanosecond my partner's faithfulness or actions. I deserved to never be cheated on. It isn't that hard. It isn't asking for much. It really is the bare minimum requirement in a marriage or long term relationship.

It has been almost 3 years since I made that decision and I have never been happier or stronger.

Do I think people make it? Yes. Do I think people are successful? Yes. I know so. I don't think that means that at some point in the future, some betrayed spouses won't look back on their life(and how much they lost in time, mental health, safety, and happiness)and realize with complete clarity that it was a deal breaker.

Datura posted 11/1/2019 21:59 PM

We're 3 years post DDay. We're ok. Ok-ish. We seem to be on a dip in the roller coaster. I am questioning whether it was my dealbreaker. Or maybe I am just still cranky this is what it is and I am left to live with it.

I feel worse about 'us' now than I did a year ago. Maybe it's just part of 'going through it'. Maybe it's because the past year it's been more about me doing things for ME and I'm worried we are no longer on the same page....or maybe not even in the same chapter!! Hoping we can get back into the same book at least!!!

Are we making it? I guess so. Maybe no one can answer that until you find out if it is 'until death do us part' !!

EDIT: Sorry I turned it into a bit of a downer. Yes I think couples can succeed. But it will always be part of your story.

[This message edited by Datura at 10:12 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/2/2019 07:07 AM

There is a successful R thread pinned at the top of the Reconciliation board. Have you guys read that?

I'm almost 5 years out from last dday. For all intents and purposes, we are reconciled. Things are good. The A is pretty much a nonissue now. We've moved on to regular M shit. Have we "made it"? Will we "make it"? I'll let you know if we're still together when one of us dies, or if we end up divorcing. Do you consider that successful?

All of that is relative. That's why I haven't put my "success" story in that thread. Idk if we are successful yet. Some people would say we've made it. We have made it through the storm of infidelity.

ETA: If your CH is trying to decide whether or bot R is worth it based on others' success, he's not ready for R. If he's truly remorseful and wants R, he'll do the work regardless of you, anyone else, or the outcome of your M. He'll recognized that he is flawed and has work to do to become a better person, period.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 7:09 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

sisoon posted 11/2/2019 09:47 AM

The best data I've seen on this is from Peggy Vaughan, Help for Therapists (And their Clients), available for free download if you look for her website. Her survey indicates the majority of people stay together after infidelity.

2nd best if Shirley Glass who reported that a majority of her client couples stayed together.

Staying together is different, I think, from what SI calls 'Reconciliation.'

Glass also reports that, of the couples she worked with in which both partners were committed to the M, 20% split.

If you both want to build an M that serves both of you, and if both of you do your work, you'll probably succeed. If you don't do the work, you probably won't.

Stats don't matter at all in individual cases. Individual couples usually end up all the way to R or all the way to D or all the way to just staying unhappily together.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:48 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Emotionalhell posted 11/2/2019 10:56 AM

Still together but not R. He doesn’t get it. He hasn’t considered my feelings.

ramius posted 11/2/2019 11:12 AM

I realized he never had that feeling of panic, even fleeting, never a worry about my faithfulness. Never. I realized I deserved that too. Even if I meant being alone. Even if it meant struggling. No matter what it meant, I deserved to never have to question for a nanosecond my partner's faithfulness or actions. I deserved to never be cheated on. It isn't that hard. It isn't asking for much. It really is the bare minimum requirement in a marriage or long term relationship.

When you make yourself your own mental point of origin, things become clear.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/2/2019 11:46 AM

It depends on how you define it.

I thought we were successfully reconciled until 2016 (20 years) when Cheater started moaning women’s names in his sleep ( his MO during his other affairs)

He denied, but his a female coworker from me at a holiday party. Down the rabbit hole we fell.

Surprise! He had not come clean about his previous affairs, kept lying and gaslighting.

So, we were not reconciled. He was still lying.

crazyblindsided posted 11/2/2019 19:53 PM

Our M didn’t make it, but that’s ok.

I made it and am doing better each and every day since deciding to separate.

Not everyone is cut out for R. Making it can look different depending on the situation.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/3/2019 09:09 AM

I don't think that means that at some point in the future, some betrayed spouses won't look back on their life(and how much they lost in time, mental health, safety, and happiness)and realize with complete clarity that it was a deal breaker.

Hopefully, the BP won't feel like all that time was wasted.

I admit that part of the reason I stay is that I feel too old to start over. I know I'm not old (even though society will seem me as senior in just a few months), but I'm more than halfway through life. There aren't many career opportunities for a 50+ year old woman who hasn't worked for 16+ years. I never thought I'd be financially dependent on a man. I wasn't raised that way. But, here I am. 😕

I'm not concerned with trying to find someone new and better. I don't believe there is anyone safer than my fch. I believe I have the same, if not more, risk of being cheated on 8n a new relationship. I think that's just the nature of people. At least my fch is remorseful and doing the work and aware of the pitfalls now.