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Dorothy123 posted 11/5/2019 15:29 PM

I'm just curious how many of your WS's claimed to be the victim ?

Also, when and how did the WS finally admit they were at fault ?

Also, I'm wondering if anyone here had a WS ,once caught, owned up 100% that the A was 100% the WS's fault right away ?

I'll start.

My ex thought that he was the victim of the A.

My ex has a hard time admitting fault because he felt sorry for himself that he was a closeted bisexual all his life.

Atg100 posted 11/5/2019 15:32 PM

My ex was / is the victim.
She admitted that it was her fault and then withdrew that statement.
Blamed me for everything towards her family .

Who cares what they think or say?
They lie to themselves and bury their guilt within some ducked up corner of their soul .
What a way to live your life ?

layla1234 posted 11/5/2019 15:35 PM

Yup. I didn't pay him enough attention or compliment him enough. I changed those things as soon as he told me it was a problem. He continued the affair that I had no idea even existed. Poor him.

zebra25 posted 11/5/2019 16:09 PM

Mine never claimed to be the victim.

He admitted he was at fault immediately.

Took 100% responsibility.

Dorothy123 posted 11/5/2019 16:32 PM

Wow Zebra, I didn't think that there were WS'S out there that admitted 100% fault for the A right away.

zebra25 posted 11/5/2019 16:34 PM

He did but he still did many other things wrong.

He is definitely not a saint.

Dorothy123 posted 11/5/2019 16:38 PM

Zebra, I knew that your WS is not a saint so I worded my response very carefully to not say that you are so lucky to have your WS.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 4:44 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 11/5/2019 17:27 PM

Yes my STBX is ALWAYS the victim. He is the victim again with this separation. I'm the big meanie BS who couldn't get over the A.

I don't even care anymore he can be the damn poor victim. I hope his girlfriend consoles him.

zebra25 posted 11/5/2019 17:27 PM

Dorothy, the eye rolling was not at you!

I was just kind of eye rolling at myself with regards to being lucky to have a cheater that took responsibility for his cheating.

Dorothy123 posted 11/5/2019 17:29 PM

Zebra, I understood the eye rolling was not at me.

JadedByItAll posted 11/5/2019 17:30 PM

I think a better question would be, "Whose wayward spouse didn't claim to be the victim?" But, then again, you probably wouldn't get many replies.

zebra25 posted 11/5/2019 17:33 PM

Dorothy123 posted 11/5/2019 17:34 PM

Jaded, I did think about titling this thread "Whose wayward spouse didn't claim to be the victim?" but didn't because there wouldn't be many replies.

I did ask

Also, I'm wondering if anyone here had a WS ,once caught, owned up 100% that the A was 100% the WS's fault right away ?

To my shock and surprise Zebra raised her hand.

Evertrying posted 11/5/2019 17:36 PM

Not necessarily the "victim", as much as he felt justified right at dday. He did take 100% responsibility for the A, but blamed me for a lot of pre A things that hurt him. Neither he or I were/are saints. I did treat him pretty shitty there for awhile pre A. Not that what he did was right, it just is what it is. He just had a shitty way of communicating. Escape was easier than dealing with it.

Odonna posted 11/5/2019 17:48 PM

BeyondRage’s WW seems to be doing things right. It is a long interesting story that may be helpful to you.

Incarnate posted 11/5/2019 17:55 PM

My STBXW is 100% the victim in her eyes. My requiring fidelity/monogamy, I was maliciously repressing the sexuality she never told me about. By marrying her when she was 19, I was taking advantage of a young, inexperienced woman and putting her in a situation she wasn't ready for (I was 17, mind you).

By being angry (and showing that anger) at her first affair with my best friend, I was emotionally abusing her. I should have just accepted it as a thing and moved on.

By begging her to break up with me before she had another affair (if she had another (spoiler: she did)) I was trying to force her into isolation, unable to find another partner by leaving her all alone.

By being diagnosed with C-PTSD and working out that a significant part of it was multiple layers of betrayal trauma, I'm demonizing her expression of love, and what kind of monster demonizes love?

My blaming her for her actions and her lack of communication and her lack of trying to focus on and work on our marriage, instead of seeking out emotional and sexual affair partners, I am making myself a victim when she is the REAL victim. Her favorite line is "Want me to get you some chalk so you can draw the outline around yourself, since you love playing the victim so much?"

By talking about the affair and its effects on me, I am demonizing her to everyone, defaming her good name, and the good names of the man and woman she spent a week having torrid threesomes with.

I can't wait until I can move out. The more I see without my rose tinted glasses, the more I see how incredibly toxic and FUCKING BONKERS this woman is.

crazyblindsided posted 11/5/2019 18:00 PM

I was maliciously repressing the sexuality she never told me about.

Incarnate it sounds like your ex should meet my ex. I was repressing my STBX's SA needs. I mean duh sex is more important than air or water He also had the biggest tantrum I have ever seen when I decided I didn't want to have the open the M anymore. Why I ever thought it was a good idea to open the M is still being figured out in IC.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:02 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

outofsorts posted 11/5/2019 21:06 PM

Also, I'm wondering if anyone here had a WS ,once caught, owned up 100% that the A was 100% the WS's fault right away ?

Yes, WH told 100% of the truth right away (I believe) and has never blamed me for his cheating. However, he didn't really have an affair, he had approx. 10 hand jobs and sex one time at "massage parlors".

AbandonedGuy posted 11/5/2019 21:11 PM

My ex didnt admit to a single wrongdoing. No apologies whatsoever. The whole relationship, she pretty much traveled everywhere with her cross and nails.

Justsomeguy posted 11/5/2019 21:18 PM

Shit yes. She blamed me for being abusive and keeping her under my thumb. No evidence of that. I'm a nice guy and the favourite son in law. My mother in law feels like she lost a son. My STBXWW blames her AP seduced her. I explained that he did not have magical powers, but she doesn't get it. Essentially, she is the poster child for cognitive dissonance. Takes full responsibility but it is everyone else's fault.

Hate typing on a phone...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 9:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]