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Did your WS claim to be the victim ?

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AbandonedGuy posted 11/5/2019 21:27 PM

Oh yeah, I know that type too well.

1. Do something *objectively* shitty and selfish and disrespectful
2. I point out why I didn't like that
3. I'm the asshole for being critical, no mattet how calmly I communicate
4. "Fine, I'm sorry, it's always my fault, I always have to be the one to change"
5. Repeat behavior again and again and again

What a nightmare.

IntoTheFray posted 11/5/2019 22:50 PM

No. He took 100% responsibility for everything that happened. Never acted like the victim, never blamed me or our marriage. His story didn't add up though and I kept prodding to get to the bottom of it. At four months out he finally revealed the extent of the blackmail and broke down when he confessed to being raped. Up to that point he let me believe that he was a willing participant and took everything I threw at him as his just desserts. He took full ownership of everything he did or didn't do to get him involved and keep him involved in the affair.

Dorothy123 posted 11/6/2019 00:43 AM

Truthfully, before I started this thread I thought that 100% of WS's, once caught, would blame other's for the A 100% of the time.

I always thought that it would take those WS's , whom are quick learners, at least a few weeks to admit fault for the A.

Surprised and shocked me when three people responded to this thread saying that their WS admitted 100% of the fault for the A right away.

Maudlin posted 11/6/2019 00:49 AM

I’m shocked anyone took responsibility too. All I got was “well, you did xyz!”...that I never knew bothered him and he never brought up, mind you, until I was a Big Ole Meany having the audacity to be mad about multiple affairs with hookers.

He is a peach, that one. Of course that makes me the fool who loved and married him, so off to therapy I go...

Motheroftwocats posted 11/6/2019 02:01 AM

[This message edited by Motheroftwocats at 2:55 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Chicklette posted 11/6/2019 02:22 AM

My WH has admitted responsibility from the time I found out and has made a point of telling me it was not in any way my fault.

MaryannFaithful posted 11/6/2019 04:38 AM

My husband trickle truthed me, but never once blamed me after Dday. He was always clear that the cheating was on him, even when he was being defensive.

He did however blame me for his thinking about leaving me while he was cheating on me. I didn't know he was cheating and tried to save our marriage while he was paying prostitutes. I don't know if I will ever be able to use love languages again.

tl502 posted 11/6/2019 05:53 AM

My h never blamed me or anyone else for his a’s. When he admitted the last a, he also dumped the other a he had many years ago as well as 2 ons. However, he then proceeded to continue phone and email contact with the most current ap for the next year and a half.

annb posted 11/6/2019 06:09 AM

Initially my WH blamed me and the relentless pursuit of him by OW.

He didn't realize all he had to do was shut her down.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 06:44 AM

I was just kind of eye rolling at myself with regards to being lucky to have a cheater that took responsibility for his cheating.


Ain't that the truth. So lucky!


He didn't realize all he had to do was shut her down


And, this one. You mean all they have to do is tell the OPs to leave them alone?!

PinkJeepLady posted 11/6/2019 06:48 AM

My fwh did admit and take responsibility, but at first sort of excused it on being a “victim of circumstance”, which was ridiculous of course! I could not believe the outlandish mindset he was in! He had some bizarre “justifications” shortly after dday as well.
I was shocked by the absolutely stupid things coming out of his mouth! It took him awhile to snap out of it. It’s true he was in a very strange environment but that was in no way a valid excuse for cheating and he for sure wasn’t a victim of anything - except maybe his own stupidity!
It’s strange now to think he was that man back then, saying and believing some really crazy things! “Victim” my A$$!
He has taken full responsibility for his actions and is shocked disappointed at the person he allowed himself to be.

JimmyB posted 11/6/2019 10:08 AM

Every time my WW has said anything, it has always been, "I know what I did was wrong, but you have to understand that I felt..." Fill in the blank with whatever issues she had with me.

She doesn't understand that her "but" negates her accepting responsibility. Well, to be honest, she's not so ignorant that she doesn't understand that, she just refuses to accept accountability for her choices and at this point I have no reason to believe she ever will.

ScarredSurviver posted 11/6/2019 10:27 AM

Initially I was told that it was my fault because I didn't support her feelings. When I pressed harder she said it was because I wouldn't let her put up all of the Christmas decorations the previous year. At the time we were trying to sell our house and I had already boxed all that shit up and moved it to storage. Guess I'm a big jerk so she had to go find someone more "sympathetic."

EllieKMAS posted 11/6/2019 10:38 AM

Oh yes, like Incarnate and Crazyblindsided, mine was roped into monogamy against his will and apparently was miserable for the whole time we were together. Oddly his misery wasn't apparent when he asked ME to marry him, or for the 8+ years when I was paying for everything, taking us on vacations, buying his car, buying our house, and etc etc etc ad nauseum.

My fucktarded idiot xh was quite put upon you see, that his meany-head wife wouldn't let him bonk his 18 year old skanklet twu wove schmoopsie-poo soul mate or go date and screw other sluts. Isn't that just so tragic for him? Poor little muffin.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 10:39 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

LittleRussian posted 11/6/2019 10:41 AM

Oh yes. He didn't do anything wrong you see.

likeapinball posted 11/6/2019 10:42 AM

I guess I'm in the "lucky" camp too. My H admitted EVERYTHING as soon as I showed him the iMessage that I saw. Took full responsibility for his shit decisions/choices. Didn't try to blame me, make excuses or play victim. Had he done so, he may have found himself being an actual victim - chalk outline and all!

RedHeadTemper posted 11/6/2019 10:51 AM

My WW opened up to me but didn't admit to everything initially. I went into the pick me dance since I thought she was gay and needed to figure out her sexuality. Turns out she had already figured out her sexuality and used it to cake eat. 4 months the A continued. When it ended, she blamed 50/50 for the affair. 2 weeks later she owned up to the affair 100%.

NorCalLost posted 11/6/2019 17:41 PM

I'm just curious how many of your WS's claimed to be the victim ?

The day my husband essentially ended our marriage, over the phone, he claimed to have simply "hit a wall" over my 25-pound weight gain, over my having to work out of town. He said that he hadn't been happy in a long time. He told me that his leaving shouldn't have been a surprise to me.
What he didn't know is that I knew that he had just met and exchanged numbers with another woman. While telling me that leaving me was a big deal, and that he wouldn't be seeing anyone for a long time.
So, while he didn't call himself a "victim," he certainly did act like he was justified in leaving me.

Also, when and how did the WS finally admit they were at fault ?

My ex never admitted he was at fault. The closest he ever came was when, in our final phone conversation, he told me, "I never meant to hurt you."

Also, I'm wondering if anyone here had a WS ,once caught, owned up 100% that the A was 100% the WS's fault right away ?

When caught, my ex turned abusive. He screamed at me on the phone, called me "emotionally disturbed," and told me that although he and the OW were just casual friends, I was driving them closer together! To this day, he has me blocked everywhere, has alienated me from friends and family, and tells people my lies, insecurity, and internet/phone hacking are what led to the end of our marriage.

Not once has he apologized or admitted to cheating on me or anyone before me, even though he betrayed everyone he ever was in a committed relationship with.

I met him in 1990 and loved him my whole adult life, went through so much because of him, and I will probably never see or hear from him again.

He left me in April 2018, and I still think of it every moment of every day.

DaisyAnne posted 11/6/2019 18:30 PM

My WH has admitted responsibility from the time I found out and has made a point of telling me it was not in any way my fault.

Yes, my WH has done the same as well. It’s one of the reasons we are in R and i believe we can get through this.

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