"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

landclark posted 11/15/2019 08:30 AM

I think it's fair to say that I've been depressed for a while now, even before dday. Before dday, some of it had to do with my WH and the distance he was keeping between us. Then my mom's health took a turn and she passed in early 2018 which made things worse. Now dday this past May, and I've had days when I didn't want to get out of bed. In no way is my depression severe, no suicidal thoughts or anything like that, and for that I am grateful. I know others have it much worse, and it breaks my heart when I see those posts.

One thing that has made things worse is my need to always be "on". Always on my game, at work, for family, for friends, for my son. It's honestly exhausting. I was traveling for work every other week for a while and I am very much an introvert, so it was hard for me to travel during the week, and still be on my game at home for family.

Another weird thing that I recently realized is I haven't felt like my body was my own for a long time. After having a baby, I looked at my body differently. I looked at the biological mommy uses of it. The lack of intimacy and physical affection with my WH just made that worse. I was no longer a woman with physical desires, I was just mommy. My son tends to be very touchy feely, always wanting to be super close to me, which again as introvert gets exhausting, and continued my body is as a mommy feeling. He has just recently, the last 6 months, backed off that a little. Now I feel like I have personal space again. Like my body is my own again. Hopefully that makes sense. lol I say all this to say I think this added to my feelings of being depressed.

Before DDAY, I was turning down a lot of family functions, especially on my husband’s side. Some of it was definitely the dread of having to be on for his family when I wasn't feeling like myself, many of whom are extroverts and extra affectionate and talkative. I love these people, truly, but in my state of mind it was a lot. Some of it was I was not in a happy relationship, so faking it for family just held no interest for me. His family started to notice, so I decided to make more of an effort, and plus I was missing seeing my son have fun with his cousins. My family doesn't get together as often so not as much of an issue.

Going into the holidays this year, starting before Halloween, I found myself not getting into things I previously loved. I put off decorating for Halloween, put off finding a costume. I just couldn't get into it. I did finally decorate and loved it after it was done (haven't completely put everything away yet though, ha ha). Normally by now I have my large Christmas village out, but I am finding myself dragging my feet, just back to feeling blah about the holidays. I was going to skip it completely, but my son loves it and it's a good memory for him (his job is to put out all the trees and people).

This week I have been trying to find my motivation. Last night we put out the tables for the village and got the Christmas tree out. Now that it is started I am feeling a bit more like "I got this.". A bit more excited. I did decide to say no to a family thing this weekend, so I don't lose my motivation (I will see them for Thanksgiving). I'm feeling ok about my reasons for saying no. I need to do this for me (it helps that I had lunch with a friend on Thursday who encouraged me to take this time for me). My WH is also out of town for work over the next few weeks, so it will just be my son and I, and I won't get a lot of me time. So even more important that I take this time.

Anyway, my long-winded point is that it's hard getting through life, especially with the added bonus of infidelity. I know it's often easier said than done, but we should all try to show ourselves a little grace. To remember that we don't always need to be on and we don't always need to say yes. It's ok to take what we need for us, instead of give, give, give all the time.

For me, it will mean staying home tomorrow to setup my Christmas village.

Also, introverts unite! Separately, and in your own homes.....

bookworm19 posted 11/15/2019 08:38 AM

I hope, you will find some joy in setting up your Christmas village. I would love to see that! I never do any decorations, when we had a cat there was no point to do anything, because she destructed every plant in the flat, now it would feel like I'm betraying her memory. But I love the kitsch-time, ups, sorry, christmas season

Also, introverts unite! Separately, and in your own homes.....

I'm uniting, right now, alone with a cup of tea.
Sending you introvert hugs

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 8:39 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

outofsorts posted 11/15/2019 10:13 AM

Hi Landclark,

As another introvert I can relate to much of what you posted (I'm child-free though so can't relate to that )...... Feeling like you always need to be "on", being overwhelmed when surrounded by a lot of extroverts. It can easily become exhausting.

It can be difficult when you don't have an opportunity to recharge - even under the best of circumstances. And then infidelity makes everything 10 times (100 times??, 1000 times???) harder.

It's great that you are taking some time for yourself and saying no to relatives.

I agree with bookworm - I would also love to see your Christmas village. Post a picture when you do put it up!

I am also toasting you over a cup of tea (is that also an introvert thing? LOL)

MalibuBayBreeze posted 11/15/2019 11:43 AM

Landclark
I relate to so much of what you wrote. The need to always be "on". It is extremely exhausting. The days where depression creeps in and I barely leave my bedroom. The loss of joy I had for the holidays though I am trying to regain it by doing some things differently. I mean how many times can you see "the tree" and the crowds are just too much.

I didn't put up a thing for Halloween. I'm going to put some fall themed items I have for Thanksgiving and Christmas decorating can wait til early December. I also do a Christmas village LOL. I have so much stuff I can't even put it all out where I currently live.

I also have always been an introvert. Perhaps that's what drew me to my WH as he is the polar opposite. I love my alone time but also have pushed myself socially after DDay and I'm glad I have.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone and I will be thinking of you as I set up my village this year. ❤🎄

Chaos posted 11/15/2019 11:51 AM

The need to always be "on". It is extremely exhausting.

Oh yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!

I didn't decorate for fall or Halloween either.

The thought of Christmas decorations is daunting. The thought of the baking no longer brings me joy.

The shopping and wrapping is just another chore to be done.

I did have a moment in Target the other day. I was wondering aimlessly sipping my coffee. I was looking at all the decorations, etc. and felt nothing. I saw some ornaments and gift wrap with little sparkly multicolored donuts on them with little sparkly santa hats. I mentally indulged in a dark fantasy while pelting WH with the ornaments and smacking the crap out of him with the gift wrap roll. Then I tossed my hair, sipped my coffee, pushed my card away and gave silent thanks to the genius who put the holiday chocolates in the next isle.

Catwoman posted 11/15/2019 12:43 PM

I am a musician, so my Decembers are very busy.

I will perhaps do a wreath, but I don't do a tree any longer. And I'm just fine with that--it gives me time to do the things I really enjoy, such as the local Messiah Sing and all the concerts I participate in.

I've come to the determination that I'm going to do what makes ME joyful, and if it doesn't fit anyone else's definition, that's their issue, not mine.

Actually not tearing apart my home and putting it back together is very liberating for me.

Cat

landclark posted 11/15/2019 13:18 PM

Actually not tearing apart my home and putting it back together is very liberating for me.

This would be if not for the pesky child. lol

smacking the crap out of him with the gift wrap roll

Smacking somebody with a cardboard tube is very therapeutic. I mean, of course I wouldn't actually know, I just heard it from a friend. Yeah, a friend.

I will see if I can post a picture of the village when it's done. :) And I am toasting right back with my cup of tea!

MalibuBayBreeze posted 11/15/2019 14:54 PM

I mentally indulged in a dark fantasy while pelting WH with the ornaments and smacking the crap out of him with the gift wrap roll. Then I tossed my hair, sipped my coffee, pushed my card away and gave silent thanks to the genius who put the holiday chocolates in the next isle.

Belgian chocolate. TJMAXX. Absolutely delicious assortments. I highly recommend it LOL. I have a box at home I'm saving for Thanksgiving for my mom and it's so damn tempting LOL. I actually smashed several ornaments I had bought that symbolized things WH loves. My collection is still more than enough. Love the wrapping paper idea too! Swing away with it as I think of how he had used paper I bought to wrap things for his skank.

I hear you about the baking Chaos. I love it. After DDay I didn't bake for quite some time. But I'm slowly taking that back too. The early cold weather is making me want to do it. Yes after discovering an A many of the things we loved to do for our spouses, families and selves disappears. I felt stupid for having believed it meant anything. But it means something to ME, my kids, friends. So bake away I will.

Apple pie with homemade crust for Thanksgiving. Mounds of Christmas cookies as giveaways. I've been posting pics of cookies and cakes that are almost works of art because they're so beautiful on my FB page. I find them inspiring and may take a decorating class with a friend as a result.

You'll find your joy of baking again Chaos. Bake some goodies for friends and family. Put them in nice decorative tins or containers. Put some pretty ribbon around it. You'd be surprised how much they will appreciate it because it was made by you.

cancuncrushed posted 11/15/2019 20:02 PM

I’ve struggled with holidays since d day. Slowly I realized I wasn’t struggling because of d day, destruction had become our lives. There is no getting thru it when it continues.

My feelings about most things have changed. I constantly work on sorting them out. I don’t know how I feel. As far as holidays. So far. I feel zero. I moved recently. I just finished painting. Still boxes everywhere. I do it when my soul says it’s ok. I’m not forcing myself. Pretending. Feeling guilt. I’m here today. I’ve let family know there will be no holidays this year. Not for any reason other then I refuse to be pressured. I’m not going to fake holidays. I skipped last year. Xwh left me for Ow.

It’s not a life decision. It’s today. I will cook something cozy. And do what I feel I want to do. I’m tired of being shattered glass My grown kids are good with it. They have stress now too. Special needs baby. And a. wedding in planning.

It feels good to have decided. I notice and enjoy decorations. I see happy families. Sometimes I trigger. Most times I don’t. Just me and my dog.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:09 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

Marie2792 posted 11/15/2019 20:20 PM

I understand. For me it had nothing to with infidelity. I am usually shopping by now. And decorating some. Today was the day from hell and I had to cancel plans with three people because my husband had an emergency with his car. I have been saying that I will do the upstairs bedroom tree and bathroom this week. Forget the village, not coming out this year. Until today my skeletons and ghosts were still on the front lawn.

A friend actually teased me about it today. She said You haven’t shopped or wrapped or put up even your tall Santa Claus? Do you have a fever ?

I have no spirit. I remember the first Christmas after dday. I went overboard in decorations and gifts and jolly. My kids are all grown and don’t really care.

I’m glad you found a groove and are trying your best. It’s all any of us can do. Keep it coming maybe I’ll find some too! MBB, You need some ?

pureheartkit posted 11/16/2019 07:35 AM

I think the holidays come too early anyway. Now it begins after Halloween.

I like to decorate with fall colors, flowers and foliage and that transitions to winter evergreens and white flowers, white lights in December for two weeks. I don't add any color or jolly elves, snowmen, all the rest including the music until the last two weeks. I wish it could be a two week party of lights, song, pretty things and a little shopping and going to some events. By the time the end of the year comes, it's been on tv and out in the world so long that it's become regular.

Trying to limit it helps it retain the fun for me.

If old traditions don't bring joy then turn to thoughts of appreciation and service.

Way back when, during the ice age, Europeans struggled for survival in small groups. Everybody was important then. You needed the contributions of every member of your group. All the skill, all the knowledge, all the strengths, all the hands to do things. And people gathered around the fire trying to survive and be thankful if they ate and hoping to see the next spring. That became a festival of lights and ritual meals handed down to us. We celebrate and exchange gifts because we appreciate each other and we are grateful to see another year. Now there are things through history that got added and layers and layers of traditions but at its core, the winter celebration is a thank you.

So if you can strip away all the added parts and sit quietly with a candle or a fire. If you can invite someone to share a meal. If you can give a small token of appreciation or call and express your thanks for help from that person during the year, there is no need to be pressured to do the rest. If you want to then fine, but don't feel bad.

The holiday is not to give bad feelings. It is for thankfulness. If you can share with those who have nothing, that's even better.

Take a break, just go enjoy nature and if you feel like baking your favorite treat and share with a friend then that's great. We don't need everything to be happy.....I think of little Tiny Tim who appreciated love and kindness. The holiday is in our hearts, not in the things. The things are fun but not essential.

When I was a kid, it was in the things. Now I see it differently. I go an listen to my friends choir group and I feel lifted up. We have a few cookies and punch and I try to imagine what it was like for kids back when. A sweet cookie was a great. Sugar was expensive. Spices were expensive. Gingerbread was luxury. We are surrounded by plenty.

We hardly know what scarcity is. Well, some people know and they need us to bring them some happiness. I always try and give to toy drives and to food drives. No kid should be hungry or forgotten. I believe no human should be hungry or forgotten. We have come too far to let that happen. Time to go back to the roots, to be thankful and to appreciate the contributions of others. No one succeeds alone. We all rely on someone's effort.

Please find some comfort in this whirlwind called the holiday season. Find some little thing you can call your own. Maybe a vase of greens and a bright how, maybe a few treats, maybe a simple song, maybe write a real letter by your own hand. Maybe be happy to be able to help someone in need.

I am sad too for what I lost and some things are different to me now. That's ok. Maybe sometime later Ill enjoy them again. If I don't want the old things I can share with those who can't afford a tree or lights or whatever it is. I know I can get more of that later.

Sadness is a companion who sings a song in my mind. A song of sadness to fill my day and night. And I have wondered too, if death wouldn't be kinder than a long persistent song of sadness that never ends. To hear a different song requires effort. We have to learn to sing a different song to ourselves, at least sometimes until it gets more frequent. Then one day that sad song is not there anymore.

Please find a gentle song to be happy for. You are here. Your kindness is here. You are loved. Your life is worth so much. You can do so much still with your mind and your will and your words and your two hands. You have all of your human ability to do good with. It's an amazing power. Don't let sadness take that from you.

Celebrate it at the turning of the year. Gratitude to be here another year and share the power of human love and kindness.

landclark posted 11/16/2019 18:19 PM

I’m glad you found a groove and are trying your best. It’s all any of us can do. Keep it coming maybe I’ll find some too! MBB, You need some ?

I had my groove and I lost it. Lol. I did manage to get all of the Halloween stuff put away (it was down but not put away), got some Christmas decorating done, and cleaned up some crafts. Not much progress on the village, but tomorrow is a new day!

Hope everybody is having a relaxing, tea filled day.

Chaos posted 11/17/2019 12:00 PM

MBB I like your idea of reclaiming baking. Although this year I will probably stick to baking things that require a rolling pin. And maybe some bread. Nothing like smacking the crap out of a ball of dough 😎