SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

Buzzy posted 11/15/2019 09:12 AM

Before our crap went down i often thought my wife often had sex with me because i wanted it and she complied to keep me happy and not so much because she wanted sex, i found this to be an issue for me.

My ww almost never initiated in fact i did an experiment and never initiated for over a month with no effort on her part when i brought this up she said she thought i wasnt interested, my reply" now you know how i fucking feel.

Following our "madhatter" status this has now changed for the better.

ChamomileTea posted 11/15/2019 11:59 AM

My ww almost never initiated in fact i did an experiment and never initiated for over a month with no effort on her part when i brought this up she said she thought i wasnt interested, my reply" now you know how i fucking feel.

Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

I doubt your status as a madhatter has anything to do with frequent sex now. More likely, it's the same hysterical bonding that most of experience early in R. This typically fades as time goes by. So, if you don't learn healthier ways to communicate, you end up right back in the same screwed-up dynamic.

My WH used to pull the "initiation" game, much as you've described above. All it did for me is fill me with disgust and resentment. It accomplished the exact opposite of what he was going for in that I never found him so unattractive and undesirable as when he engaged in juvenile mindgames.

It's super important, post-infidelity, to keep your communications open, honest, and clear.

crazyblindsided posted 11/15/2019 12:12 PM

My WH used to pull the "initiation" game, much as you've described above. All it did for me is fill me with disgust and resentment. It accomplished the exact opposite of what he was going for in that I never found him so unattractive and undesirable as when he engaged in juvenile mindgames.

Yep this is how it went down with us too. I'm looking forward to being alone with NO pressures of sex.

Odonna posted 11/15/2019 12:13 PM

There are many reasons why a spouse may not feel that tingly impulse to have sex, some biological and some emotional. Keep in mind that from the female side, sex means you are allowing another person to come inside your body. Yes, it can be recreational as well as emotional, but when one feels disrespected by a husband, or emotionally abused, it can be very difficult to feel any “desire” for what feels like an “invasion.” And one does not want to implicitly “reward” the bad behavior by suggesting that it has no real effect on you or your connection with him.

So there may be a bunch of reasons for her lack of interest, some originating in her, but some that may be a reaction to you or your marriage dynamics. But she owes it to the marriage both to explore what those reasons are, and to explore them in IC and with her doctor, and to communicate fully with you.

Please note that I am not placing fault or blame on you, but just suggesting that you two need to have a larger discussion.

Odonna posted 11/15/2019 12:13 PM

Oops!

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:16 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/15/2019 12:24 PM

O’Donnell, exactly this!

landclark posted 11/15/2019 12:28 PM

So what’s your suggestion exactly? Cheat on your spouse to get more sex?

What happens when HB is over and it goes back to like it was before?

BraveSirRobin posted 11/15/2019 12:41 PM

You're really all over the map here.

In one place, it's I love my wife, how can I possibly tell her things I did that will hurt her, I wish I could erase the last two years.

In another, it's oh my golden AP, it was so real and amazing, how can I adjust to what I'm missing?

In another, it's look at the success story of my RA, it restored my self respect and forced my WW right back in line, you should all try it.

Gets hard to keep up.

EllieKMAS posted 11/15/2019 13:01 PM

BSR That's kinda the same thought train I was on.

Buzzy, No placing blame on the BS here, but do I think it would be worth you trying to communicate with your WW why she felt like you weren't interested in the first place. My WH was like that with me for years before he went and found his slut AP... I wasn't the best at communicating my feelings about that with him, but communication takes TWO people. You doing an 'experiment' like that sounds very petty and childish IMHO; a relationship is not (or shouldn't be) a quid pro quo. Maybe try talking to her about it in an open an honest fashion. Just my 0.02.

cancuncrushed posted 11/15/2019 20:23 PM

It was the std he gave me. It killed the butterflies from then on. Mind movies. His mouth. All these things took over during. I don’t feel bad for not being attracted to him any longer. Then the lies. Endless lies. It killed the mood

He never asked why I didn’t want to

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:24 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

KingRat posted 11/16/2019 13:51 PM

I'm going to echo Ellie. Communication is key. Any issue(s), whether joint or individual, in a marriage usually can be traced to a lack of communication and often snowballs into discord. It is so important in R, especially in the case of MHs, that you practice affirmative and unambiguous communication.

I think you both can really benefit from practicing speaking and listening to the other. No more assumptions. Get it out there and leave nothing on the floor. Seems basic, but it can really be challenging to remember to do this daily. You need to really open up and let the other person in if you want R to have a great chance of success. If you both work at this, you can find your marriage will be stronger and each will be able to find more trust in the other. It is easier to trust a person when you feel like they do not hold anything back and are willing to share their thoughts and wanting of your feedback.

Keep working together.

[This message edited by KingRat at 1:55 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

StillLivin posted 11/17/2019 01:11 AM

Why would you test somebody like that when you can just open your mouth and make your needs known? Either stuff gets resolved or you walk away from a toxic relationship. Who has time for mind games these days?

Dragonfly123 posted 11/17/2019 03:33 AM

It’s called hysterical bonding. It’s part of the process. It’s a biological/neurological response to betrayal.

Has f’all to do with you banging the ‘hot’ running chick at your club. Would have happened after your WW’s original affair.

I’m so sad that you seem to still be trying to push the ‘advantages’ of revenge affairs.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:49 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/17/2019 06:36 AM

I agree that the current situation sounds like HB. It will pass. What will happen then? Things are not fixed because you had a RA and are now having all the sex.

Why would you test somebody like that when you can just open your mouth and make your needs known? Either stuff gets resolved or you walk away from a toxic relationship. Who has time for mind games these days?

Not defending the experiment, but it may not be playing mind games. I didn't something similar. My fch rarely initiated sex, although he didn't turn me down when I did. I tried talking to him about it. He always said he wanted sex, more of it, anytime, all the time, but he still wouldn't initiate.

I eventually gave up talking about it and just stopped initiating. I was tired of initiating everything all the time. (It wasn't just sex.) Nothing happened for weeks, until I finally caved. I found out after dday that fch was the one playing mind games. Apparently, I had turned him down once very early in our relationship. He felt so rejected that he decided not to ever initiate again. 😕

CatsNTats posted 11/17/2019 12:12 PM

Because she wants to - What? Fuck. I agree with others in that it sounds like HB - Now that you've both fucked up. Let's be honest.

I've been lingering on your posts kind of in shock at the behaviors that you like to justify. When my now (as of last month) deceased husband found out that his 1st wife had a 14 month affair after 11 years - (I was friends with him prior to our relationship/marriage) - he was so devastated he could not function. Let alone get his dick up or even think about fucking another woman. Was he angry? Sure. Was he sad? fuck yes he was. But he didn't go and just throw his dick into the next thing that walked (or ran) by. Could he have, probably. He was an attractive man. She emasculated him, but he didn't go settle the score. He asked her to stop seeing him and for marriage counseling.

But she was "in love" with her AP. So they separated. I found out after his death that she actually married her AP last year.

When I found out about his infidelities - did I go settle the score? The answer to that is NO. Because regardless of the shitty things he did - I loved him. I loved him to stay up until the point where it was no longer safe before I left so I didn't wind up where he is now. Could I have fucked someone else? Fuck yes I could have. Come to find out that my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard and there are plenty of men that would like the opportunity to see me.

But what would that have done? Just created more mistrust.

People devastated by infidelity are just that - devastated. If you want to go fuck other people - just leave the M. You made a conscious and cruel decision to go fuck someone she knew and rub it in her face. Exposing the A to APs wife and whoever else should have been enough. But you took revenge to a whole new level. If you wanted to save your M after exposing the A, you wouldn't have settled the score. Now you both have to live in infidelity and the poor choices you both made rather than trying to fix the poor choices of one.

You've bragged about your AP, and how you have all these opportunities to do it again with others. So fucking what? Who doesn't? Anyone can have those opportunities. You're no different than anyone else in that matter. I don't know if you have to brag about that to boost your own ego. But gross. If you are serious about fixing the M - stop talking about all the things you could be doing to and with other people other than your BWW and focus on what matters - how to fix this mess you've both made of your M. Serious IC for both of you. And then maybe once you both figure out what's broken inside of each of you - MC.

I apologize if some of my anger from my grief appears in this post, but I would still be just as blunt. People just need to stop being so shitty to each other. Humble yourselves. And try to be grateful for what you have left and making it stronger. Stop bragging and boasting about what you can do or did - and fix what's broke.

DoinBettr posted 11/18/2019 10:22 AM

My ww almost never initiated in fact i did an experiment and never initiated for over a month with no effort on her part when i brought this up she said she thought i wasnt interested, my reply" now you know how i fucking feel.

Ok, ladies. Almost every guy feels this way!
I am a BS, yeah, I pulled this stunt(test) too even before my wife cheated. Not due to a lack of communication, but because women are less sexually driven than men.
I bet he pulled this before he cheated too. I was seeing how long it would take before my wife desired sex with me. I even tried the girl moves you all think are flashing neon lights and just tried to wear some clothes she liked me in before. She just thought I was acting weird and ignored it. We were regular twice a week minimum people. Guess what! Without pressure women let sex drop to the wayside. Then some outside influence hits (Her friend shares a sexual story or she watches a romantic seen on TV) and they come back hot and heavy and want it like crazy. It isn't a gradual build like it is in guys. Seinfeld, Friends, Rules of Engagement, … all the sitcoms talk about this. It isn't new.

So, if that is what you want is to berate him for having normal levels of insecurity and bad communication in a marriage, yeah, we are all there.

The real question. Buzzy, have you and your wife talked about how you 2 make the other feel sexually desired? It is a weird conversation that should have some adjustments of actions. Good luck.

prissy4lyfe posted 11/18/2019 10:41 AM

Guess what! Without pressure women let sex drop to the wayside.

Let me help you....

Guess what! Without consistent HELP from our PARTNERS to manage OUR home, OUR children and OUR shared responsibilities women are too damn tired and sex drops to the wayside.

hikingout posted 11/18/2019 10:53 AM

We were regular twice a week minimum people. Guess what! Without pressure women let sex drop to the wayside. Then some outside influence hits (Her friend shares a sexual story or she watches a romantic seen on TV) and they come back hot and heavy and want it like crazy. It isn't a gradual build like it is in guys

This is interesting, I would say my experience in being a woman is that it is totally gradual for me, and more instantaneous for him. I have learned that I have to start in the morning, our morning exchange is likely an indicator if sex is on the menu later in the day. Fires can be stoked throughout the day. Anticipation is part of the magic of passion and desire for me. H needs none of that. If we are reading in bed and I move my legs around on his or put my butt against him, he's ready to go. I am surprised you would see men as gradual and women as spontaneous, but I think again there aren't any true norms in terms of genders and how they replenish desire.

We are probably 3-4 times a week type people. When we were first married for the first several years it was every day. As I aged, my body and needs changed and I think his have too (He's 10 years older than me) so it's slowed down. I have never felt there was a pressure towards sex that if he let off the gas in initiating, it still happened roughly the same amount of times. Since Dday I initiate more often than he does, and I have a new appreciation for the vulnerable state one puts themselves in if you want it and the other doesn't. I was actually quite surprised by it.

I think sex is something more use it or lose it. You do what you are used to, if you do it less it then it creates a resentment on one or both sides that then brings a mental block to it. It complicates something that really was designed to not be complicated. That's not a statement of complications that occur from infidelity, that's a statement of a normal, healthy marriage. I understand how infidelity brings it's own set of complications.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:54 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

CatsNTats posted 11/18/2019 11:07 AM

DB, not berating him for that. Don't really care. However, to come here for help with R, he needs to stop bragging about his sexual conquest and possible conquests and own his actions as he fucked up as well. It comes off pompous. Reality maybe hasn't set in yet. But he did.

The game playing just aligns with his attitude and demeanor about HIS own affair and it shows. Not everything has to be about "evening the playing field." Man, if could you imagine having to keep up with someone that always had to even the playing field about everything? Sounds exhausting.

elKAPPYtan posted 11/18/2019 11:49 AM

My wife and I had a dead bedroom from the start of our marriage. Dating was good, she got pregnant shortly after I proposed, we moved up the wedding, then kids 6 months after getting married, we never had a honeymoon stage. She gave in 4-5 times a year, that number dropped to 1-2 times a year, to once a year, to less than that.

I got fed up, and was going to make a change whether I stayed with her or not. changed everything about the way I was living, started dieting, working out, gaming my wife, flirting, building attraction, being more assertiveness in my life and our relationship, started going to IC, and the dr.'s had my blood work done (low T)and she responded positively. She moved back into our bedroom after 2 years of sleeping on the chair in the living room. Started initiating. Went from once a year to 3-4 times a week for just over a month, that is when I discovered the EA that she had 5 years ago.

I don't know that reconciliation will work for us or not, but the sex is still good... well, the best actually.