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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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Chaos posted 12/10/2019 08:19 AM

Coco - it's been a daily event since we got the kitten. One cat hasn't used the litter box since.

We have more litter boxes than cats AND they are scooped daily and cleaned thoroughly regularly. By me so I know it's done right.

This cat has always had "issues". We were using the tin foil trick which we had great success with until kitten arrived. Kitten was eating the foil so we had to take it up.

Now me and Nature's Miracle have been daily BFFs.

EllieKMAS posted 12/10/2019 14:38 PM


I can't decide which of these mugs I need more

Has anyone else noticed a marked drop in patience in dealing with this? I wasn't ever the most patient person to begin with, but since all this crap, I just can't even most days. There is this one lady that sits in my cubicle area that I really wish I could shoot nerf darts at - she is SO fucking annoying.

I miiiiiight be PMSing just a wee bit come to think of it.

Happy fucking Tuesday!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/10/2019 16:31 PM

Chaos, suggestion for you - instead of tinfoil, try using a thick plastic shower curtain. We did the tinfoil for a bit but it was constantly being torn up by their little claws, especially because a couple of them loved the sound it made. No bueno. The thicker matte/frosted shower curtains were much more durable, and made less of an annoying sound than a tarp would when they would step on it.

I found that most cats don't like the feeling of that plastic, or moreso of the pee pooling up around them, so the plastic really worked for us. It was difficult trying to find ways to get it to stay down - at first they would just lift the plastic up and pee on the carpet under it - so I resorted to using some old hand weights I no longer used to weigh it down in the corners. At the very least it was easier to clean than carpet, as all I had to do was wipe it down.

Also, I have a recommendation re: cleaning supplies. We used to use Nature's Miracle with my dogs when I was still living with my family. I never liked the smell of it though. When we got cats, I switched to Biokleen's product called Bac-Out stain + odor remover. It works so well, and smells amazing because it has live enzyme cultures and uses lime extract. So it just smells like a nice lime based hand soap or lotion.

They say that citrus smell deters cats as well, so I would hope it would also be a deterrent for future uses of whatever area you clean with it. One of my cats somehow found a way to lock herself in my bedroom while I was out of town for a couple of days, so she didn't have access to any of the food or water. She peed on my comforter and it soaked through to the mattress, and I was so scared that this was going to become a new place for her due to the smell. I sprayed the crap out of all of it with the Biokleen and so far its been a couple of weeks with no recurring problem!

I used to have carpet in our old place with my XH, and there were some sneaky, hard to get to areas where the cats used to go and we wouldn't find it for a while, so it would be really stuck to the carpet. I would dump some of that stuff on it, let it sit for a bit, and voila, poop was easily removed and stains gone!

I have hardwoods now in my new place, and have a lot less accidents in general, but I still use it if/when they do.

How are the older cats taking to the new kitten? Are they getting along? I know when we first introduced our calico into the brood, the two prior females HATED her. It caused so much tension in the house, and they definitely started rebelling against us and peeing/pooping in all sorts of inappropriate places because of it. They did eventually get used to her, and now they all lay together, groom each other etc., but it was rough going for a bit.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/10/2019 16:31 PM

Ellie, I personally prefer the first one. But I'm sure that would be more offensive to some.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/10/2019 20:32 PM

Ellie, I like the second one because you might actually get something out of it.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/10/2019 22:05 PM

Ellie, I like the second one because you might actually get something out of it.

EllieKMAS posted 12/11/2019 22:13 PM

Proposal for new BW dictionary addition:

SKITD

Sparta Kick in the Dick...

You know, for when a regular KITD just won't fucking cut it.

All in favor?

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/11/2019 23:18 PM

Aye!

Chaos posted 12/12/2019 06:54 AM

I 2nd the motion!

Love Live SKITD!

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/12/2019 08:16 AM

I finally ventured back onto that dumpster fire thread, saw something I wanted to comment on, and now it's closed. I'll comment here.


HHADL, wrt your comment about thinking a spouse's body is a commodity bought once you marry really struck me. I can't imagine being with someone who tried to guilt, manipulate, and coerce me into doing a sex act that I made clear was off the table. If my fch tried to pull some bullshit about me not loving or wanting h9m enough, not giving my all or best, because I won't let him fuck me up the ass, I'd shut that down so quick that he wouldn't know what hit him. My body is not his to do with what he will just because he is my husband.

It would seem that a lot of men don't realize just how vulnerable a woman is during sex. I seriously doubt that there is any woman on the planet who hasn't experienced some sort of sexual violence.

FFS, I read an article the other day about a girl who was raped in the hallway of her high school in the middle of the day. She said she screamed, but no one came. How does that happen? She was a virgin, so rape is her first sexual experience. 😥

I got my tree up. Now, we need to decorate it. I'm still in the moving it around to find the best presentation stage.

Once it's decorated, should I start putting presents under it, or should I wait? It's kind of fun to watch the kids go nuts wondering what's in the packages. But, it seems too early. Idk. I've never had a tree up this early.

DaisyAnne posted 12/12/2019 09:05 AM

Ellie, I like the second one because you might actually get something out of it.


So I have had an epiphany this week. I am done letting the OW into my life. She tried her hardest to break up my marriage, even way after the affair ended. She has failed. Last night my husband reminded me I should not let her have this power over me. Instead he said "we should be strong and proud that we are committing to making us work". She is just a jealous whore who literally wants my life. Guess what? She can't have it. Today I am taking back my life. Today is her birthday. I was dreading it for some reason. Why the fuck do I care? My "gift" to her is a big Fuck You and Adios. MY birthday is this weekend and I am looking forward to having my husband take me out and celebrating it in the town that I grew up in, not the town that she moved 500 miles to. Changing my thinking.


skeetermooch posted 12/12/2019 10:01 AM

SKITD

Oh hell yes!!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/12/2019 16:07 PM

Thanks Coco. Yeah, any reference to "false advertisement" gets my hackles up. Side note - what is a hackle??

It would seem that a lot of men don't realize just how vulnerable a woman is during sex. I seriously doubt that there is any woman on the planet who hasn't experienced some sort of sexual violence.

FFS, I read an article the other day about a girl who was raped in the hallway of her high school in the middle of the day. She said she screamed, but no one came. How does that happen? She was a virgin, so rape is her first sexual experience. 😥

Yup, super fucked up. She's going to have some serious hurdles to jump to have a healthy relationship with her sexuality. Hell, I consented when I lost my virginity, but after a lot of introspection I definitely feel like I was coerced to a certain extent. And I paid the price for that and didn't have sex for years after that because I couldn't trust anyone.

Re: the screaming and nobody coming to help thing, I can see how that might happen in a school, the halls during recess or even passing periods are so crazy loud. But there are some disturbing studies on pain vs. pleasure sounds. I would need to do some digging to find it, but I remember reading a study re: how men who consistently watch porn have a difficult time discerning between images of women orgasming and images of women in pain. If I remember correctly, a similar study was also conducted re: sex sounds vs. sounds of pain. I'm not sure if a similar study was done with women who watch pornography. I'm also not sure if they controlled for type of pornography being watched i.e. whether it was violent vs. more soft core, what type of penetration etc. but I'm sure all of those things matter too.

TMI Warning
I do know that the porn my XH watched (well, at least what I found over and over, who knows what else I didn't find) was almost exclusively centered on ass-play. After any of my numerous discoveries I didn't watch much as it is really jarring to come upon that when you're not expecting it. But from what I did see, these women were all "enjoying it." I put that in quotes because it's very difficult to tell if they truly are, or if they're faking it for the paycheck. Either way, it had the appearance of pleasure, which I think skewed his perceptions on that particular act.

I also read a quote from a former pornstar recently regarding her time in the industry. I just spent half an hour trying to find it in my Pinterest boards but can't seem to track it down. Anyway, I'm paraphrasing here but what she said was that while shooting a double penetration scene, she was torn inside. They finished, and continued filming, I think she said it was even while she was on the ground waiting for an ambulance. She ended up hemorrhaging and had to have surgery to stop the bleeding. The scene ended up winning Best Anal Scene or something of that nature at a Porn awards show that year.

End TMI Warning
I do think this effects all of us BWs in hetero relationships, because whether our WHs think this way, or we are newly single and having to navigate a dating scene where many men think this way, we're going to be affected. And many of us BWs have sexual trauma in our past, and at the very least betrayal trauma, so we're bound to be more on edge moving forward no matter what.

"What men fear most about going to prison is what women fear most walking down the sidewalk" I honestly don't know how to address this issue. I wish I did. I've had a lot of talks with my brothers about these things. They seem to get it, more than other men I've discussed this with. But even in a recent discussion, one I thought was super productive, my oldest brother still pulled out some version of Not All Men. And while I get the impulse, because it might sound like I'm talking about all men, and since he is a man, he therefore thinks I'm talking about him, it's just... hard. I have to say it stung. I love all of my brothers deeply, and I think they are all great guys who would never, ever say use a phrase like "false advertisement" with a woman, or ever insinuate that they are entitled to their body. But we've still got a long way to go.

I fear any discussions with future partners, because I worry that we will always inevitably get to some point like this, and I'll no longer be willing to look past it. I looked past seemingly well-meaning statements from my XH - "Continuing to talk about misogyny is only giving it more power. You're breathing life into it." Ok yeah, on the surface, I can kinda understand that. And I really don't think he was trying to be manipulative, I do think he thought he was being helpful. But what it really means is, shut up about it already.

I don't want to be looking for the hidden meanings in everyone's statements. Part of that I can't avoid, I'm an INFJ and I can't shut that part of my brain off. Then there's all the messaging I've received growing up as a woman. But my life experiences have also taught me that I have to constantly be on alert for people like this, male and female. I somehow married one of them! What would life without hypervigilance look like? I have no fucking clue.

On a happier note, go for it Coco, I say put the presents out! I tended to buy presents throughout the few months preceding Christmas as a way of spreading it out financially. Plus I shop for a living, so I'm always out in stores and would pick things up as I saw them. It was fun to wrap them and put them under the tree as soon as it was up! The girls would shake them and try to guess what they were. Sometimes I would put them in funky shaped boxes to throw them off the trail haha.

My parents never did that, Dad always waited to wrap until the night before. He would shut himself off in his room and we weren't allowed to go in there! He would sometimes have us come in to help wrap things for other people, and would just hide our presents while we were there. That's where I learned my awesome wrapping skills!

I also liked wrapping early because it meant I didn't have to keep them in hiding any longer, using up my storage space, or worried someone would find them. They were hiding in plain sight, and also building up some fun holiday anticipation. Win, win!

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/12/2019 17:20 PM

My fch does not think of women as objects or commodities. He is not sexist or misogynistic. He still sometimes says things that get me going. I'm constantly reminding him that he's a white, Christian, hetero male in this western society, which gives him a skewed pov. I don't think they can ever truly understand the threat and fear we live with every day.

I used my dad as a perfect example of that. He's 80 years old and sick and frail. He had absolutely no qualms about going for a walk by himself in the dark after 9 pm. I would not do that. I'd at least take my pitbull, maybe my gun. I'm probably more physically capable of defending myself from an attack. My dad wasn't concerned in the least about being attacked in the first place.

A thing came up about sex, and he said that I hold the key. I had never heard it referred to like that until I read it on here, women being the gatekeepers of sex or whatever. He had never said anything like that before. Idk where he got that. I lost it on him. He didn't know what hit him. I think he honestly thought he was expressing that he would never force anything on me or try to coerce or manipulate me into sex. Poor guy.

I think I will wrap and put presents under the tree in increments. I've been buying gifts for about a month now, buying things here and there when I see them. I've never done that before, either. I usually get a list and do all my shopping at once. I didn't buy a lot of stuff from Amazon yesterday. We still need to come to a decision about our 12yo's big gift, an already built pc or parts to build a more powerful gaming pc.

And, of course, only one string of lights put of an entire box works. They're all blue and I don't think it's enough to go around the tree. I like multicolored lights, anyway. Just get a new set or try to fix the ones we have? Ugh!

skeetermooch posted 12/12/2019 18:11 PM

Either way, it had the appearance of pleasure

I'm not anti porn but men are generally too willfully stupid about women's bodies and desires to separate fantasy from reality. As a result porn perpetuates a lot of really bad and sometimes dangerous notions about sex.

20yrsagoBS posted 12/12/2019 20:14 PM

After becoming a BS, I felt like the village idiot for my romanticized notions about the sex life between a husband and wife.

I assumed we would explore everything together, discovering what each other enjoyed, and striving to provide that for eac other.

Factor in lying, cheating, porn, excessive masturbation.

Well, so much for my idea.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/13/2019 07:44 AM

while shooting a double penetration scene, she was torn inside. They finished, and continued filming, I think she said it was even while she was on the ground waiting for an ambulance. She ended up hemorrhaging and had to have surgery to stop the bleeding.


How does that happen? No one stopped it? That's abuse!


The scene ended up winning Best Anal Scene or something of that nature at a Porn awards show that year.



I went to a Beyond Affairs Network meeting last night. There were 2 other women there. One on pretty much the same timeline as me, found out about her CH in 2014. The other is only about 18 months out from dday. We talked until the librarian kicked us out at closing time. We had lost track of time. I really enjoyed it. We may get together for coffee sometimes.

Chaos posted 12/13/2019 09:44 AM

Coco - how awesome! IRL support friend and coffee?!?! I hope you both get together soon.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/13/2019 12:05 PM

I have so much to say to you Womenz, but unfortuanately I am feeling very, very fragile right now.

But, what I can say right now and what I am feeling for you all is that you all are such an amazing, smart, witty, wise, funny, empathetic and strong group of womenz I can't understand how you all were betrayed in the way that we all were. Sending so much love and wishes for peace and serenity in your lives. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/13/2019 18:37 PM

((SMS))

It's good to "see" you.

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