All of this is a great kick in the ass. It really is amazing how we, stuck in the M post A, can't see things clearly even though we are smart people. At least I like to think of myself as smart, but this whole thing has turned my world upside down and I guess it's going to take years to right it again.
I wrote a draft to email my WH because writing things down makes it easier for me to convey what I am thinking. I would like to get some feedback, not just from the BS but from WS to see if this adequately lays out what I'm looking for and if you are a WS receiving this, would it make sense? Thank you all.
I can see the work you've done to improve our relationship and our marriage and I don't want to take anything away from that. However, while our relationship and marriage is important to work on, so is the damage done by the affair. That is where I don't see any work done, or at least only the minimum work done, by you.
The things I have asked for you have not provided. I will never feel safe or be able to trust you again if you don't work on the reasons the affair happened in the first place.
You were vulnerable to the beginning of an affair, not just because our marriage wasn't the best at the time, but because of something in you that made it ok for you to do what you did.
You can promise all you want that it will never happen again, and you might even believe it, but, if you don't learn what it was that made you vulnerable to it in the first place, and work to correct that behavior or thinking, what is there to say that that vulnerability will not once more be used to convince you to have another affair?
The books I've read are not just for the person betrayed, but also for the person that was unfaithful. For instance, did you know that being cheated on is a traumatic event? Akin to surviving a natural disaster, or a carjacking. In fact, the symptoms of a betrayed spouse are the same as those of people with PTSD. These books try to help the unfaithful partner be a good healer to their betrayed spouse and make clear the many pitfalls they might fall into.
While it is great that we are doing better as a couple with our relationship, we still need to work on why the affair happened and how we...you...can make sure it never happens again.
When you tell me that you don't feel the need to do any more work on the affair part of this because you believe that I am here to stay and am not going anywhere, what I hear is "I don't need to do anything more to make this better for my wife since she's staying anyway." Which makes me feel that I am not worth your time and what I've asked of you is not worth your effort either.
You said that you don't feel that what we are going through is a crisis or an emergency anymore, yet I am still in crisis and emergency mode. Which means, that the marriage, whether you believe it or not, is still in crisis and emergency mode. I have never been a depressed person in my almost 50 years but now, I have to take anxiety and depression medication just to stabilize my moods so I don't spend every night crying myself to sleep. I am not OK, I am hurting and I need you to step up and make things right.
I hope I am making things clear in what I need and want and that you will be able to work on these things, with research, reading, counseling, I really don't care, as long as you begin to look at why you did what you did and try to minimize the possibility that it will happen again. This will not only be good for us, but for you as well.