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Is limbo bad?

Wintergarden posted 11/20/2019 12:07 PM

It's been far too long in limbo I've pushed for decisions. The trouble is, if you both want it to work you join together in R if one or both of you don't know what you want you are in limbo. Pushing is heading me to D/S but though I am really sad and know there is worse to come, part of me is relieved that I may finally get out of constant unhappiness, that peace may get inside my head and replace all the shit bubbling away in there. Just maybe I can recover me and put that skip back in my step. Maybe I will be thankful one day that a decision has finally been made.

Strange he keeps saying " I don't want you to hate me" Sorry but I think it's part of the inevitable.

thatbpguy posted 11/20/2019 12:13 PM

If you're going to hate him, why would this make R or even a M successful?

I mean, I understand being angry at him and what he has done, but if a R or M is to proceed, that needs to be dealt with.

Perhaps you have already found the answer.

Wintergarden posted 11/20/2019 12:24 PM

I don't think there is any chance of R now. I fooled myself for far too long that it would be possible, it's what I wanted. Eventually I have to take the rose tinted glasses off and face reality. I know that if he goes I will have to be strong and go NC to survive. I feel the damage has been done now, I cannot see a way of either dealing with it or putting it right anymore. I am basically throwing in the towel, I have no fight left in me for the M. I need to put me first. With that will come the inevitable, I will end up hating him for what he has done.

thatbpguy posted 11/20/2019 12:28 PM

I get it. Then look forward and seek your better life.

Oldwounds posted 11/20/2019 12:30 PM

I think a lot of members here are in some form of limbo, as it takes a while for some people to find their footing and the path they want.

But it sounds like making a decision of some kind will get you some of that peace you're looking for.

I need to put me first.

Yes. I think this is the first step out of infidelity out of limbo for everyone.

Odonna posted 11/20/2019 12:33 PM

For now, don't speculate on possible future wreckage. Whether you eventually hate him or not does not really matter, although frankly YOU will do much better if you just become indifferent to him and avoid hot hatred.

Just allow yourself to give up on the fantasy of true reconciliation. He has made it plain that this is not in him, which in some sense is a relief, as you don't have pretty words at war with tepid actions. "Throwing in the towel" is not a failure on your part. You did not fail. In fact, it is a success to get to the point where you realize you cannot control the outcome. If he is not going to participate in a way that will let you R, well, you tried.

There is pride in being able to turn the corner and focus on yourself and get the D going so you can make a productive future for yourself a reality. Embrace it.

timespent posted 11/20/2019 12:40 PM

Wintergarden, I think you have done all you can, if your spouse does not want this enough to fight for you or drags his feet he is not what you need. I'm sure already know this but he is not good for you and your healing. I truly admire your strength and am sending you hugs.

Wintergarden posted 11/20/2019 13:00 PM

Such wise words and I thank you. Yes I do have to tell myself I have done all I can, this is his choice, his loss, I have spent far too long waiting for him to appreciate what he has got. I know he will loose so much that he doesn't even see yet, but it is no longer my concern. He thinks we can stay married and split everthing 50/50. I can't take a chance that once gone his mindset may change. I don't want to rely on his "fairness" I know I have to see a solicitor and get these things in order so that I can proceed knowing he can't hurt me any more.

Chaos posted 11/20/2019 13:06 PM

Yes I do have to tell myself I have done all I can, this is his choice, his loss

You have a choice too my dear. It is a damn shame that it appears he doesn't have the ballz to make it and is even leaving the pulling the proverbial trigger on the marriage up to you on top of everything else.

Walk away with your head held high like the awesomeness that you are.

crazyblindsided posted 11/20/2019 13:14 PM

(((Wintergarden))) it is such a difficult decision to make. I straddled limbo for years. Years I wonít get back but I guess as one poster said you have to get your footing first. You know when you know you are done. I was miserable too with a WS who never worked on himself but thinks he worked really hard on the M (Ha!).

Since separating I have gained more peace but still struggled with the failed dreams I had for us and for him. It has been such a huge disappointment. I did gain ME and Iím trying to nurture that person back again.

Sending you much love and strength!

Atg100 posted 11/20/2019 13:17 PM

I agree with Chaosí opinion .
It is your decision .
You chose to give him the chance for reconciliation .
But you can now chose that it is best for you to live the life you intended .
The limbo will go, some pain will remain .
But if you think of pain as waves :
Whilst in limbo , these waves will keep coming.
Once you walk away from it, at first you will think that the waves of pain havenít changed .
But they become less frequent and less intense .
At first unnoticed , but then there will be a day, where you realise that the waves have changed.
Your decision

fooled13years posted 11/20/2019 13:47 PM

Wintergarden, you asked:

Is limbo bad?

In some areas, what appears to be limbo, is just making sure you have done the research and deciding how to proceed. Such in making a major purchase.

In other areas it can possibly be harmful as in giving a sense of false hope.

Just remember that you will never have the opportunity to live today again.

Phoenix1 posted 11/20/2019 14:05 PM

I can tell you I was in self imposed limbo for four years. I knew we would eventually D (R was never an option), but stuck around for other reasons and played the happy family game. That limbo was hell and, looking back, I can clearly see that it killed a little more of my soul every day, though I couldn't see that at the time. With the decision made to finally D (last Dday prompted it earlier than planned), it was like a huge boulder was lifted from my shoulders. Incredibly liberating.

If you are done, you are done. Move forward, reclaim yourself, and lift that burden off your shoulders.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:51 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

MyAnimals posted 11/21/2019 04:22 AM

I haven't read your story. I'm sorry you're here.

I don't hear this much, but I suspect its somewhat common:

I could basically forgive anything, in theory. I don't really think cheating is a deal-breaker for me, in and of itself.

But I've left a cheater before who just wouldn't do the right things afterwards.

I'm currently in a limbo, but not because I don't know if I can deal with it. It's because I don't know if she can deal with it. And there will be a point where I just get tired of waiting.

If she would tell me the whole truth and show me she won't ever do it again, I'm all in. But without that... I will either leave, she will get tired of the work, or we'll just disintegrate.

It's kind of up to her. As I said I suspect this is more common than is let on.

If you're at that point, You're at that point. If you're not you're not. But don't fool yourself about what he is doing or willing to do. Sounds like you are seeing it for what it is.

Reality. Do you. Stay strong.


nekonamida posted 11/21/2019 09:48 AM

Yes, one day you may hate him for what he's done. And really, cheating, wanting to D, and then only half committing is despicable. But eventually, you will reach indifference and will see how much more peaceful you life is without him in it. Who cares what he wants? Put yourself first.

PieceByPeace posted 11/21/2019 13:43 PM

"The trouble is, if you both want it to work you join together in R if one or both of you don't know what you want you are in limbo."

Has only one of you been making efforts towards R? Is he stringing you along giving you false hope? Remember...actions always speak louder than words. You probably already have your answer you just need strength and courage to do it. What is your answer?

20yrsagoBS posted 11/21/2019 13:49 PM

Limbo leads to the land of Indifference and detachment.

My home. I planned my life as if the Cheater was remorseful and reformed. Once I learned otherwise, it was too late for me to change direction.

If you have the opportunity to get a new start away from the monster, do it.

sickofsurviving posted 11/21/2019 14:26 PM

Limbo isn't good or bad. It just is. 20 years nailed it. It leads to indifference and detachment.

To me, limbo is when you give up on any real R, but for whatever reason have to stay.

It is in my best interest to stay. I am in poor health since my last cancer surgery. I haven't worked in 9 years. At this point, my option is here, in my house, or a shelter. I have lived in a shelter.

That's my limbo. No longer interested in R. I've come to realize it's just winning a booby prize. Too sick to leave.

Wintergarden posted 11/22/2019 03:35 AM

I do appreciate the replies.

Sickofsurviving I'm sending you hugs. I do have my health so I am grateful for that. It seems hard to start again at this age. But, I used to have such a zest for nature, sport and a love of life. I do want that back.

He has never said he want's to R, he did go NC with AP but he never left so that's where my hopium kicked in. I know what I am facing and it's more daily misery until we get out of this M.

In my heart I know I will never forgive him.

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