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Question on NC letter

landclark posted 11/22/2019 09:01 AM

So my WH started an online/phone affair with an old high school crush back in 2009 (tale as old as time, am I right?), that as far as I can tell ended late 2013 (slowed down in 2012, ended in 2013). When I found out in May/June of this year, he was still friends with her on Facebook (color me pissed), and he deleted her as a friend, without a word to her as to why. I have since sent her a not so nice text with some not so nice names, and may have also sent her some other woman memes expressing how disgusting I think she is (like how God never leads you to another woman's husband....God was something they brought up often, it was God's plan that they met again, blah dee blah blah). I also found a picture of her during the affair time, and she was not as hot as high school as she claimed to be, so I threw that in her face as well. I also told her husband. Neither has ever responded to me (I probably wouldn't have responded to me either, I was nice to her husband, but definitely not to her).

So anyway, lately I am feeling bitter and mean, and I am considering asking my WH to write her a letter saying it was all a mistake, she means nothing to him, etc., etc. Where the affair ended in 2013, is there any point other than fulfilling my need to be a bitch? I just feel like it would hit her hard, and that pleases me greatly. lol

Has anybody else had a NC letter sent several years after the end of the affair? Did it help with closure?

Chaos posted 11/22/2019 09:38 AM

Gently - the affair only ended when any contact ended. That means when he had his final contact [being "friends with" and looking at her on social media counts].

If she has and OBS YOU send the letter to HIM and don't tell anyone you are doing it.

If HE sends anything to HER it should be via an attorney.

sisoon posted 11/22/2019 09:38 AM

An NC letter now is the very opposite of NC, IMO - it reopens communication.

Your H ghosted her. Her H knows. What more closure do you want?

NC has been established. How will breaking NC help you?

Oldwounds posted 11/22/2019 09:44 AM

At this point, years later, I think any contact sends the opposite message.

By having a note sent, the AP will KNOW she is still in your head.

I'm thinking AP will love the validation that you're still worried about her.

landclark posted 11/22/2019 09:48 AM

If she has and OBS YOU send the letter to HIM and don't tell anyone you are doing it.

I did do this.

If HE sends anything to HER it should be via an attorney.

He being the OBS, or my WH? I am confused on why we'd need an attorney?

Gently - the affair only ended when any contact ended. That means when he had his final contact [being "friends with" and looking at her on social media counts].

I hadn't looked at this way, but good point! And honestly, they could have been corresponding on regular Facebook (outside of the secret Facebook) and I wouldn't know because he carefully deleted any evidence.

By having a note sent, the AP will KNOW she is still in your head.

An NC letter now is the very opposite of NC, IMO - it reopens communication.

Yeah, you guys are right. Ugh. lol

Chaos posted 11/22/2019 10:01 AM

landclark - yes. I'm thinking from the standpoint that their affair was still active. The level of activity can be debated - but if they were friends on Facebook - there was contact. Even if minimal. They were still connected.

I should have clarified. If your WH sends anything to AP as a NC I would consider paying an attorney the little bit of $$ to write the letter.

Because he never did ghost her in 2013 - he only "unfriended" her in May/June 2019. That's not "after all this time". And it sends a clear and legal message to her. Otherwise it is just another case of "I have to break up and ghost you because landclark said so but we can still be friends as long as landclark doesn't find out" He sent one message in 2013 yet a direct opposite one between then and May/June 2019.

To be fair - some of this could be projection. But luck favors the prepared. I saw the NC message my WH sent his AP in Summer 2017. It wasn't until Fall 2018 that I stumbled on the fact that they were [surprise] still FB friends (she'd blocked me so I had no idea). They'd block each other so if I saw his phone he'd appear clean. YUP! If you guessed that affair had gone deep underground you'd win the $1,000,000 prize!

20yrsagoBS posted 11/22/2019 19:58 PM

I agree with the others.


Ghost her. Let her occupy none of your headspace. She’s a nobody.


landclark posted 11/22/2019 22:25 PM

If you guessed that affair had gone deep underground you'd win the $1,000,000 prize!

Ugh. So gross!

I’m going to let it go, but I’ll probably still dream about her heartbroken face if she were to get such a letter, especially from a lawyer (that would be amazing).

Skoochnski posted 11/23/2019 04:15 AM

I just recently found out about my WH’s AP who was 15 years older than him and their PA back in 2005 when I was still nursing our infant daughter.
I made him make a video and send it to her telling her exactly what he told me:

That he came to her for marriage advice because she was an older woman and he thought she would have some insight and she took advantage of that and convinced him that he no longer wanted to be married and then weaseled her way into having a PA with him at work ON THE CLOCK!
He agreed that sticking his d*ck in her was 100% his choice but he told her that he was sickened and angered by how she manipulated him.
He told her that he never loved her and reminded her that he never told her he did, he never intended to leave me for her, she was “...just a hole to fill.”
He told her that he wishes he had never met her.
He also told her that what they did to me was unconscionable and I did not deserve it.

She hadn’t heard from him in 14 years so I’m sure this was a shock to her and she immediately blocked him on social media after she saw the video.

She had already blocked me because I got on her Facebook and did the same thing that you did – posted a bunch of stuff about how God will never send her another woman’s husband.

She’s now married and has a business and is a “pillar of the community.” She plays the “Pius Christian woman” bit to the hilt in her little one horse town.

I’m sure she wants all of this to go away.....

For me it felt good hearing those words come out of my husbands mouth and addressing her. All of these years I knew she was trying to steal him. She was promising him everything he had ever wanted . 🙄 I didn’t know that they had already had sex. I’m the one that forced him to stop speaking with her all those years ago because I just knew something was up. I just didn’t have proof. But now I do and I want her to know that she didn’t get away with it and she’ll have to pay for it.

Plus finally hearing him say what I always wanted to hear him say is healing for me.

As for her, I want her to fret and worry that I’m going to expose her dirty little secret to her tiny little Christian town and ruin her reputation as well as her business. Her business centers around families and children. I don’t think anyone would patronize her if they knew she is a harlot.

Inhateeverything posted 11/23/2019 06:51 AM

my experience with a NC letter is that my wife sent one and then decided to contact him again two weeks later and then lie about it for months afterwords until she was busted. My opinion is what does it matter? They have proven that they will lie and hide things until they are forced to face it.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/23/2019 07:51 AM

Unless she has tried to contact him, I wouldn't bother. She is not a factor in your life.

I'm going to assume a few things based on why I would feel like you do right now. Please, just ignore if I'm off base, or tell me if I'm wrong. I won't be offended.

I'm thinking maybe you want to do this because you are bothered by what she may think of the whole thing. Maybe she thinks your CH desires her over you. Maybe she thinks you are a jealous, possessive psycho. Maybe she's walking around with an inflated ego thinking she's better than you.

None of that matters. She isn't better than you in any way. What she thinks doesn't matter. If she thinks any of those things and you send a NC letter now, it will only reinforce her pov. Don't let her be in your head, your M, or your life anymore. Don't feed her delusions, if she has any.

Breathe and let it all go.

landclark posted 11/23/2019 08:06 AM

I think the biggest thing is that while I told her she’s nothing to him, I want her to know that he thinks she’s nothing to him. That it’s not just me saying it. At this point though I’m sure she’d believe that I’m just making him say it and it wouldn’t have the impact I hoped for.

Truthfully they could have been in contact that whole time with him trying to rekindle things, and I just don’t know, which means him saying she’s nothing to him could just be blowing smoke up my butt. She would know the truth, that he kept reaching out to her.

I wish I had made him do this back when I first found out. Can I get a do over?

Want2BHappyAgain posted 11/24/2019 05:58 AM

Everyone here has given you GREAT advice . However...NONE of us are YOU . I say it all the time...whatever will HELP a BS to HEAL...as long as it is legal...DO IT!

I didn't have SI on Dday. I gave my H ultimatums in order to R...and the first one was that he had to send an NC message immediately and then never contact the adultery co-conspirator again. He didn't even hesitate...he wrote her the NC message...I read it...and then he sent it. I actually asked him to send another NC message after he got a reply from her because clarification was needed. She was from another country and something literally got lost in the translation !!!

Anyway...part of my H's NC message included him writing that what THEY had was REAL . It stung me to see those words...but I didn't ask him to change anything in the message. My H never contacted her after that. But that part...about what they had was real...always struck a nerve with me. She KNEW that he felt something REAL with her...he had it written for her to see. Although...as most of us know...once he came out of that A fog...he was disgusted with himself for ever thinking ANY part of his A was real. But still...she KNEW...and it upset me that she didn't get to also see how he REALLY felt!

There was a thread a while back that helped me tremendously on this. People were writing about "do overs"...and NC messages were at the top of this list! Someone said that she had her WH write another NC message...then give it to her. SHE now had the message AND the ability to send it at any time...or not . The more I thought about it...the more I wanted my H to do this. So...my H wrote a message to the adultery co- conspirator...explaining his REAL feelings...and he didn't hold anything back! He then forwarded the message for me to read...knowing that I had the power to send it to her whenever I felt like it . I can't tell you how empowering that made me feel !!! Sure...SHE has a message saying that what they had was REAL. But the actions my H did after the NC message show her that this wasn't true . Besides...I have a message from him to her that would DESTROY whatever romantic thoughts SHE may have had. Oddly...this gave me the comfort and satisfaction I needed .

So the answer is...you can most definitely HAVE a "do over" !!! However YOU want to do it is totally up to you . There are many creative ways to satisfy your need AND still be NC . Whatever will HELP you to HEAL...DO IT ! Just be sure it is legal !!!

ETA because I hit "submit" too soon and did a "do over" !!!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 6:29 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

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