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How did you know it was time?

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Flnightmare posted 11/29/2019 21:18 PM

Wh is showing no remorse, he is very angry, blame-shifting, etc.

He is constantly picking fights and getting hung up on semantics. He pushes me until I feel rage. Tonight I threw his phone across the room. That is not me.

So, how did you know it was time for a separation?

WhoTheBleep posted 11/29/2019 22:00 PM

When it finally clicked in my head that I did not deserve to be abused. And he was abusing me, after 17 years of cheating. He should have been trying to be Mr. Perfect for the rest of his life. And he was as far from perfect as a person could get.

When that clicked in my own head, I left. By the way, it clicked because I finally went off Zoloft, and I could see him clearly.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:00 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Flnightmare posted 11/29/2019 23:54 PM

Thank you for sharing.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/30/2019 00:00 AM

My therapist kept saying Iíd be done when I was done. And he was right. It just finally got easier to let go than to keep holding on. And as much as it hurt and as scared as I was, i knew it was my only choice. Doubt and fear hung on for a long time, but the peace of not worrying about what he was up to, who he was seeing- that felt amazing even through the tears.

Good luck!

Overcomer1 posted 11/30/2019 07:21 AM

When you decide you deserve better and shouldnít be treated like crap, then you know youíre ready. It sounds like youíre ready. He wonít change. He doesnít want to work on himself. Get out of the abuse and go no contact with him. File now.

skeetermooch posted 11/30/2019 09:18 AM

Hi FLN,
I kicked my husband out a few weeks ago. He sounds similar to yours - minimal/occasional remorse, incredibly angry, gas lighting, blame shifting. Wants to argue about diction - ie if I'd phrased a question differently he wouldn't be so mad, etc.

He told me regularly that if I had treated him differently he wouldn't have seen sex workers non-stop, hit on work colleagues and spent hundreds of hours on cam girls and phone sex.

My crime against humanity - he claims I didn't make him feel like an equal. When I ask for specifics and what I could do differently he has no solid answers - just a feeling.

To cheat on someone and effectively pulverize their sense of safety and reality is bad enough, but then to rage when questioned about it, act impatient with my process or worst of all, blame me??!! It was making me nuts.

Like you, I was feeling more anger than I've ever felt in my life and I'm not that way - at all.

He often, after or between, rages wanted affection and hugs - most of the time touching him made my skin crawl. Sex was impossible. And any conversation invariable turned into him ranting about his "resentments."

It got to where I would hyperventilate when he walked into the room or if not then, when he started laying into me about how I needed to change.

I guess the short answer is: I knew it was time when my body wouldn't let me do it anymore. Hyperventilating, shaking, crying uncontrollably, etc.

I didn't like who I was with him - not just the sorrow and anxiety but the insecurity and jealousy and snooping. I'm not that person. I'm secure and I give people a wide berth and respect privacy.

I won't lie - it has been a rollercoaster. I feel worried about what he's up though not as frequently as when he was here because I get reprieves, where I forget about this mess, get lost in an activity.

I love that I have the privacy to talk to friends and process my feelings. I love waking up alone and going to sleep alone. Life is peaceful and safer without him here.

But I'm grieving hard. I miss who he was a long time ago. I miss the days of denial - to an extent. They weren't halcyon times but rather than this full blown anxiety it was lower level - but I know that is not any way to live.

I have moments of second guessing this but most of the time I feel really clear that this is the right path.

Tallgirl posted 11/30/2019 10:08 AM

I am S. He broke a dealbreaker. Omitted the truth. Said it wasnít lying. I had to explain why it was lying. My mind was blown by this.

Been 7 Months. I am ok with it. It is hard. It is lonely. No one is lying. It is quiet.

We are talking. It is a very real and shocking dose of reality for him. And he caused it all.

Flnightmare posted 12/1/2019 04:54 AM

Thank you all for sharing.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/1/2019 07:17 AM

Skeetermooch

My crime against humanity - he claims I didn't make him feel like an equal. When I ask for specifics and what I could do differently he has no solid answers - just a feeling.

Your husband sounds like a cluster B. "Feelings are facts" to them. I could have written your entire post. Please look into BPD / narcissism if you haven't already. There is no cure, and you will ALWAYS be blamed for the bad feelings that are on an endless loop in their heads. No contact is the only solution.

Heartinpain posted 12/1/2019 08:41 AM

Mine continued to lie and see the OW. The last straw was Easter weekend. He told me he was going to the emergency room, but went to OWís house. That being the 4th DDay in 6 months, I realized this wasnít going to change and I would never ever trust him. I threw him out for the last time and started divorce proceedings.

strongspirit posted 12/1/2019 09:17 AM

I had enough of him cheating on me,did it to me with over 30 women.Knew I had to get rid of him,he would of done it to me again if we worked things out

Ichthus posted 12/1/2019 09:37 AM

After 3 years of waiting and watching her behavior. She still could not be transparent with me about her thoughts and feelings. She continued to blame me for the problems in our marriage and was not owning her core problems. I did not want to be the marriage police anymore.

BigBlueEyes posted 12/1/2019 09:58 AM

A lot of things happened over a long period of time for me, things I had lived with for well over 20 yrs, abuse, Aís, ONS, online swinger profile. no remorse, gas lighting, TT, lies, much much more.
Looking back I wish I had left him over 20 yrs ago when it all began. However I didnít & I canít change that.

What I can change is my whole future, I donít care if Iím alone for the rest of my life....at least itíll be on MY terms.
Iím happy for the 1st time in a very long time,

Iím stupid happy, happy with family, happy with friends, happy with work, happy with every single thing I surround myself with.

only you know whatís right for you, what works for one person may not work for someone else, but I will say what your settling for yourself now isnít healthy or a happy marriage.
I truly hope you gain some strength to stand up for your wants & needs as it doesnít sound like your H will

(((((Hugs)))))


homewrecked2011 posted 12/1/2019 11:02 AM

As learned on SI: when you have to start explaining to your spouse the very basics of common human decency, itís time to get out.
They are never going to understand ďwhyĒ so donít even try. Just get an atty, file, move out, whatever it takes.
Financially Iím worse off, but I am actually richer in my mental state and very happy.

skeetermooch posted 12/1/2019 12:10 PM

There is no cure, and you will ALWAYS be blamed for the bad feelings that are on an endless loop in their heads. No contact is the only solution.

It's true. His life-long insecurities and bad feelings about himself are suddenly all my fault, hence, seeing all the hookers, because somehow paid sex makes him feel better about himself.

I know when things are this irrational there's no answer, nothing to untangle, no fix.

when you have to start explaining to your spouse the very basics of common human decency, itís time to get out.

Right - the ridiculousness of explaining to a nearly 50 year old man that asking young women at work if you can take them out for a meal or a drink is inappropriate!! The insanity of explaining to a grown human that their cheating, lying and emotional withdrawal was devastating and they still don't get it to the extent that they do it again?!!!

Personality disorders used to be called "Character disorders" for a reason.

MamaDragon posted 12/2/2019 08:51 AM

Honestly, for me it w/my first WH I knew it was over when I caught him in the act.

With my current FWH, I knew I wanted to R immediately. Different circumstances, different relationship.

My bff divorced 10 years ago bc her XWH had been cheating for years and she just took his behavior. One day she was driving to work after a sleepless night and all of a sudden she had enough. She called in to work, took the day off and saw her attorney. They divorced 6 months later - and he tried his hardest to talk her out of it. She is now happy in a relationship that meets her needs.

One day, you will reach that point and *poof* you are done. Only you can decide it.

Tallgirl posted 12/2/2019 12:10 PM

Skeeter,
There is a stream of thought that if you buy sex or sex acts, it is not cheating or an affair.

It's not THAT bad.

Can't say I understand that, but my WH thought going to a prostitute was not having an affair.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/2/2019 13:09 PM

After 3 years of waiting and watching her behavior. She still could not be transparent with me about her thoughts and feelings. She continued to blame me for the problems in our marriage and was not owning her core problems. I did not want to be the marriage police anymore.

Change this to 2 years and change she to he and you basically have my answer. (He didn't blame me as much for anything I did - just his "loss of love" for me).

Ichthus posted 12/2/2019 17:47 PM

Can't say I understand that, but my WH thought going to a prostitute was not having an affair.

This wins IMO. Because the exchange of money nullifies any bad behavior right. ROFLOL

ShatteredSakura posted 12/2/2019 20:01 PM

I tried writing this out twice now and all it becomes is a novel Third time's the charm...

But I am so disgusted with what happened the last 3 days. We're separated (she's shacked up with her AP) and don't talk much, but I do miss her and wish it didn't come to this...so this is more of another nail in the coffin of that feeling, and an emerging feeling of not wanting to ever see her again.

After a long radio silence, this last Saturday she texts "can we talk?". I ignore it. Around midnight she follows up "fine if you don't want to talk I'm blocking you". I take the bait, we chit chat. She says I'll tell you tomorrow. I even ask point blank if there's "trouble in paradise" which she says no.

Sunday, some more chit chat. I ask her what she wanted, silence. At this point I'm feeling really anxious and even have some hopium flowing...and as the day ends, all I can think about is the two of them in bed together. Around 2am I send her an emotionally charged text saying how I was feeling that her just wanting to casually chat while still with him is messing with me, that I suspected she just was feeling lonely (she's done this before, her AP is visiting family and she's by herself), and don't message me unless if it's something to do with bills/obligations we still are untangling.

Monday morning (today) she is apologetic says it wasn't her feeling lonely, is sorry for how things have turned out etc. She's about to cat/house sit for a friend and asks if I "want to come over later and play with the cats with her". This is 11am, I didn't feel like responding and go out to start shoveling my parent's driveway. 1:30pm I come back inside exhausted (a good start to a week off from work lol). Just wanted to do some manual labor to clear my head you know?

I look at my phone, FLURRY of ANGRY texts of her accusing various things, especially ignoring her. And that she blocked me and If I want to reply email her.

I should've just left it at one line reply "I was shoveling for almost 3 hours and just saw the messages". But I took the bait and went line by line how she isn't living in the same reality as me and she has no right to some of what she said to me or they were flat out untrue (and here's the text or whatever to prove that), etc.

She later replies "I'm sorry if I overreacted this morning. I was just really upset and thought you were ignoring me"

Anyways the anxiety and hopium this has induced, really has messed me up. And to put the cherry on top with unbridled rage that I'm ignoring her while I'm busy, that I'm supposed to be still at her beck and call.

Good freaking WTF.

I might also add that the last time we texted, she asked me not to message her. So ignoring her is what she wanted. She cheats on me for two years with her ex-BF and feels like she can dictate when we talk or not talk apparently, all the while accusing me of only talking about only my feelings and ignoring her feelings.

I have to share one text verbatim, it's a beaut: "Whenever you describe our relationship problems it's always based on your side, and you never consider that if you got everything you want I would still be miserable".

I wanted her exBF out of our lives. I wanted a faithful wife. I wanted a partner who didn't leave me at home with dishes to go out and party like an immature teenager!

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 8:18 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

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