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Happy Anniversary to Me or maybe not!

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36yearsgone posted 12/5/2019 12:54 PM

Today is my wedding anniversary. It is 1,186 days since D-day.

Today is a good day, not because everything is back to normal or because I've forgotten. It's a good day because I find myself not caring much. I think Catwoman said I was becoming indifferent.

My wedding anniversary is absolutely meaningless to me. It's as if the marriage never happened. Of course I have kids, so that proves something happened. But I digress.

My WS and I are getting along fairly well. She contacts me frequently (not always about needing money), to check on me, to see if I need anything, to invite me over for a meal or a movie.

However, I still cannot find meaning in celebrating a phony personal holiday (anniversary). Therefore I am going to get her the same thing I got her for the first anniversary following her affair: NOTHING. I may make it a tradition.

Question: am I being a dick for not joining her in a celebration that means nothing more to me than a memorial of something that died?

Question: for BS's, have your anniversaries changes since the affair? How so?

Question: for WS's, how do you honor your BS on your wedding anniversaries?

Millgirl posted 12/5/2019 13:01 PM

I have seen people that do celebrate and those that don't. I am 100% on the NOT bandwagon!

Oldwounds posted 12/5/2019 13:04 PM

Question: for BS's, have your anniversaries changes since the affair? How so?

The first couple anniversaries were brutal. I think I was still stunned for the first one as my wife's confession was only a couple weeks in advance of our anniversary. The second one I cancelled a planned vacation for our 30th, ate money on tickets and reservations. We ended up doing a very simple, quiet road trip up into the Rocky Mountains. It turned out to be our first real attempt to rebuild something from the burned out foundation.

I think we look at our anniversary now like our relationship, we've survived an adversity neither of us ever planned for, and it is kind of a 'wow, we are still here' kind of deal.

I think people should celebrate or not celebrate however they need.

At some point along the way, it does become about the kind of relationship you want. I imagine our next anniversary will be a lot less 'complex' based on how well things are going now.

36yearsgone posted 12/5/2019 13:05 PM

Reminds me of the Little River Band song: Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind

I'm so happy for you baby
Now that you've found somebody new
I see it in your eyes, Lord it's no surprise
What he can do for you

But when I look back baby
When I look back to what we had
And I know I'm countin' good times
But there were just as many bad

And so I wish you
Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind

There's a lesson here to learn when your baby ups and leaves you
Carry on, don't feel concerned even though you're so much in love
You need a little help from above, oh

Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind

Oh ain't no foolin' with you baby
Only the words are hard to find
You got me tremblin' at the knees
Answer won't you please
Before I lose my mind

This is our fifth year baby
And I feel like I'm in jail, Lord
I'm holding on to this card
Can't seem to get it in the mail
And the card reads ...

Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Ooh yeah, happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Ah yeah happy anniversary baby
Got you on my mind
Oh, have a happy anniversary
'Cause I've got you on my mind

Always on my mind
Happy anniversary
Happy anniversary

MamaDragon posted 12/5/2019 13:17 PM

My anniversary is in two days and I celebrate the day.

For several reasons,

1) I celebrate the fact I have kept my vows.
2) I celebrate the fact that I have not hurt, maimed or done away with my Fwh (This is said tongue in cheek)
3) He celebrates the fact that I am still with him and have forgiven him
4) I like shiny baubles and that is usually what I get.

However, I don't celebrate Valentines day - because that was my discovery week...Weird I know - but I totally get the reasons for not celebrating an anniversary. Our first one after DD was a bit tense and we did not do much to celebrate. I'm 10+ years out so, my pain is dulled somewhat (dulled but not forgotten!)

layla1234 posted 12/5/2019 13:37 PM

I guess it all depends on where you are in this screwed up journey. Right now, I can't see celebrating any sort of special occasion with him. It's sad because he planned to take me to a nice restaurant for our anniversary of dating 15 years. Then more trickle truth. There's absolutely nothing to celebrate.

SlapNutsABingo posted 12/5/2019 14:32 PM

4) I like shiny baubles and that is usually what I get.

That made me laugh a lot, Thank you! I needed to laugh today....

Justgetitoverwith posted 12/5/2019 14:45 PM

No, you are not being a dick. It's not surprising you feel nothing for the day.

As a BS: the first few anniversaries after dday, he actually bothered getting me something. Although one of them he forgot, and ordered flowers from work. Cant remember if this was the one before or after dday. Thats how omportant the day is to me now. Im pretty sure the one directly before, he was deep in aggressively argumentative denial that he'd done anything, asked sarcastically if I was getting him anything. I said no, and got him a card anyway. Because- wedding anniversary! 12 years married and 27 together, even if we were arguing.

That cemented it for me that unless things are on his terms, he doesn't really care. I havent got him anything since dday. Its an empty day. He hasnt made any particular effort. Card and flowers ordered from work. No special events or presents, no day taken off work to be together. He pays lip service to the correct attitude now, but his real attitude keeps peeking through, so as it stands, I don't see me celebrating being married to him next time round either.

hikingout posted 12/5/2019 14:45 PM

Question: am I being a dick for not joining her in a celebration that means nothing more to me than a memorial of something that died?

No, all bets are off after infidelity. Traditions change, expectations change, everything changes. If you really get down the road and R, you may consider making a new day to celebrate based on something else meaningful.

Question: for WS's, how do you honor your BS on your wedding anniversaries?

First, let me say, H and I aren't big present exchanging types of people. Prior to the A, a dinner out or something like that was our celebration. With his travels, it was rarely done on our anniversary.

Our first anniversary after DDAY? Googly Moogly, that was only at 4 or 5 months out. I gave him a card and wrote a letter in it. We were both struggling that year so I am not really certain if anything else transpired or what happened. That whole time was a blur.

Second anniversary - I got him tickets to a comedy show I thought he would like and made dinner reservations. He ended up having to travel on that date, so I went with a girlfriend. I know I also wrote him a card and I changed the dinner reservations and got us a couples massage. He wrote me a card that year too.

Third anniversary past dday (coming up shortly) I bought him tickets to a UFC fight. He already knows because I wanted to make sure he wouldn't be traveling for work because we will have to travel to see it.

landclark posted 12/5/2019 15:13 PM

Question: for BS's, have your anniversaries changes since the affair? How so?

My anniversary was less than special before dday, usually with me wishing him happy anniversary and him saying it after that, and never publicly via any social media (heaven forbid his girlfriends saw that, they’d cry). After dday we’ve only had one anniversary and honestly, it was just another day to get through. No special meaning at all.

So no, I don’t think you’re being a dick.

[This message edited by landclark at 3:14 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

Zirconia posted 12/5/2019 15:30 PM

I came down firmly on the side of no, hell no in fact. My WW mentioned that things are improving between us, it is a special day, something only we share, lets make it special. That further fueled my resolve. D-day for me was a line in the sand, everything I held sacred prior to that point related to my marriage was over.

From a practical standpoint if I was the wayward I would make a point of saying hey, I screwed up, if you want to do something fine, if not that is fine too.

All I have left is my future. Memorializing a past event that ultimately concludes in her affair is not a day I want to celebrate.

36yearsgone posted 12/6/2019 16:47 PM

I did, successfully, do absolutely nothing for our anniversary.

I felt no guilt.

I felt no shame.

I felt nothing.

Today, I feel just fine.

Darkness Falls posted 12/6/2019 19:48 PM

Our fifth anniversary (of our second marriage to each other) was a few months ago. We said “happy anniversary” to each other with an awkward peck of a kiss. That’s all. Needless to say, our marriage is not in a good place.

KingofNothing posted 12/16/2019 14:35 PM

Surely your ex? wife doesn't pretend to say "Happy Anniversary" to you any more?

After all you've been through (yes, I've read it all), that would be an amazing act of gall and indifference.

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 15:03 PM

Surely your ex? wife doesn't pretend to say "Happy Anniversary" to you any more?

After all you've been through (yes, I've read it all), that would be an amazing act of gall and indifference.

She did wish me a Happy Anniversary. But she wanted to know where her gift was. I told he she gave her gift away in 2017.

Odonna posted 12/16/2019 15:12 PM

I still do not understand why you continue this relationship and hold onto hope it will ever be different?

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 15:23 PM

I still do not understand why you continue this relationship and hold onto hope it will ever be different?

I often don't understand it either. But, I'll give it my best attempt to explain it.

I believe in honoring my commitments. Honoring my commitments doesn't require someone else to honor their commitments.

Despite all the absolute crap she put me through, I still love her. But, admittedly that love has changed. I love her, but have no desire to be with her sexually. She's a gorgeous woman, but the passion I had for her is gone. I can't have sex with someone I don't respect. Nor can I get excited by her as the thought of sex with her causes my mind movies to start up again and again.

Despite the above, I do still love her and I long for what we once had (if it ever existed at all). I would like to see complete restoration to our relationship, but doing so may be more of a problem with me than her.

She tries to be loving, and considerate more now than before. But the trauma lingers.

As I read what I'm writing I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. It sounds more like I'm babbling incoherently.

Let me just say I am a man who believes in family. I believe in true love. I believe in commitment. I believe in my vows. I believe that most things can be resolved if people will work on them.

Unfortunately, at this point I also believe I will probably die alone.

Booyah posted 12/16/2019 15:55 PM

36, I'm confused.

I'm not questioning your decision or calling you out here.

You mentioned that you extended the gift of R not just because you love her but your faith in Christ was guiding you to do so. That if the Lord forgives you (and he has and will continue to do so) than you should do likewise with your wife. Not just forgiving her but staying married.

If this is the case, if I'm not mistaken, you and your wife still don't live with each other, correct?

If your faith has led you to offer R to your wife than what's keeping you from letting your wife move back home (or you where she is)?

How can you be in R being apart?

If you're hesitating on living with each other does this mean you're not all in on R?

You've mentioned you can't explain it fully (the gift of R) but that you felt like this is what the Lord was guiding you to do.

Again if this is the case why the hesitation?

Are you really working on R if you don't want her under the same roof as you nor work on the passion possibly returning?

Something seems off here.

Am I off base in this assessment?

If you're being led to do this why not push your chips all in and if R doesn't work out after truly attempting to build a new relationship and if you find your wife isn't putting in the work as well and not rugsweep this than you can look in the mirror and know you truly tried but it just isn't going to work out and you both go your separate ways.

The way things are right not she may not be continuing the affair and yes you're out of infidelity but you're also stuck in no mans land treading water. Not divorced but also not in true reconciliation either.

Thoughts?

36yearsgone posted 12/16/2019 16:13 PM

Booyah:

As usual, you make some good points and as excellent questions.

You mentioned that you extended the gift of R not just because you love her but your faith in Christ was guiding you to do so. That if the Lord forgives you (and he has and will continue to do so) than you should do likewise with your wife. Not just forgiving her but staying married.

Correct.

If this is the case, if I'm not mistaken, you and your wife still don't live with each other, correct?

Correct.

If your faith has led you to offer R to your wife than what's keeping you from letting your wife move back home (or you where she is)?

She has the Main house. I have the secondary home. I don't fully understand what is keeping me from moving back home other than I really can't bring myself to desire her sexually. There's nothing there.

How can you be in R being apart?

Crickets. I got nothing.

If you're hesitating on living with each other does this mean you're not all in on R?

I still love her, but something is holding me back.

You've mentioned you can't explain it fully (the gift of R) but that you felt like this is what the Lord was guiding you to do.

Correct.

Again if this is the case why the hesitation?

Crickets. I got nothing.

Are you really working on R if you don't want her under the same roof as you nor work on the passion possibly returning?

I think I made the offer, now most of this is up to her.

Something seems off here.

yes, it seems off.

Am I off base in this assessment?

No.

If you're being led to do this why not push your chips all in and if R doesn't work out after truly attempting to build a new relationship and if you find your wife isn't putting in the work as well and not rugsweep this than you can look in the mirror and know you truly tried but it just isn't going to work out and you both go your separate ways.

I don't know how to respond to this. We are dating. But something is still holding me back. It's not spiritual; I think it's psychological. I know that I definitely don't want to see a repeat of the past. I find myself deeply dwelling on everything she says or asks of me.

Dwelling in the sense of what does it mean. For instance, she has told me that she is thinking of going back to work in some capacity because she would like to have her own money. But, the funny thing is, I pay all her bills and provide another $1,000 to $2,000 a month for her to use as she sees fit. Her suggestion that she wants to return to work has triggered me I think, as her previous employment led to her affair. Besides, she won't make as much as I give her.

The way things are right not she may not be continuing the affair and yes you're out of infidelity but you're also stuck in no mans land treading water. Not divorced but also not in true reconciliation either.

True to some degree.

Thoughts?

I still stand by my previous decisions. It's a step of faith for me, even if it appears to be more of a step into stupidity.

I've gotta walk by faith not by sight. With any luck, I'll go blind.

Booyah posted 12/16/2019 17:22 PM

Do what you feel he's calling you to do.

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