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crazyblindsided posted 12/16/2019 17:30 PM

She did wish me a Happy Anniversary. But she wanted to know where her gift was

The only response I could think of to her question was a big ol' eye roll

My STBX got angry at me one year after False R because I said I felt no need to celebrate the day anymore. He told me the day meant A LOT to him. Too bad he didn't think this way all the years he was spending our anniversaries with MOW

36yearsgone posted 12/17/2019 08:34 AM

If a wedding anniversary means anything at all, that meaning is only sustained by protecting one's vows.

My wife cheated. The marriage was killed. If the marriage is dead, then why the heck would anyone want to celebrate something that had no value to the person who killed it?

sisoon posted 12/17/2019 09:58 AM

Question: for BS's, have your anniversaries changes since the affair? How so?

Do you think you're a dick?

Question: for WS's, how do you honor your BS on your wedding anniversaries?

2011 (9 months out) - nothing. I told my W if she figured something out and invited me to join her, I might say 'yes.' She arranged something that appealed to me, so I went with her and had a great time. She also gave me flowers, which really impressed me.

2012 - nothing
2013 - dinner out, because we were with son, GS, and then DIL. I think I gave her a fancy chocolate bar.
2014 - dinner, I was beginning to think we had been M 47 years, not 4.
2015 - real celebrations of and enjoyment in our M.

That was my time line after starting on R on d-day. Since you're still in limbo, IIRC, not wanting to celebrate makes perfect sense to me.

36yearsgone posted 12/17/2019 10:19 AM

No, I don't think I'm a dick.

I just don't think there is anything to celebrate related to the anniversary.

Justsomeguy posted 12/17/2019 22:29 PM

Okay, so I am separated, but the first anniversary after D-day, I put it in my calendar as DWTFYWTDD. This translates into Do Whatever The Fuck You Want To Do Day. Had I stayed, I would never have celebrated another anniversary again, a fact I had made clear. I might have considered renewing my vows had she moved heaven and earth, but she didnt. Thank God for that. WWs are like the kid that shits in the pool at a birthday party and wonders why the fun stops.

Jorge posted 12/17/2019 23:10 PM

But she wanted to know where her gift was.

gmc94 posted 12/17/2019 23:19 PM

The marriage was killed. If the marriage is dead, then why the heck would anyone want to celebrate something that had no value to the person who killed it?

I don't celebrate my wedding anniversary for the same reason I don't wear my wedding or engagement rings. While our M may have been "real" to him, for me it was a mirage.

Butforthegrace posted 12/18/2019 08:04 AM

36, I'm curious to know what your long game thinking might be. What would you like your anniversary next year to be like? Two years from now? Five years? What concrete steps have you taken, or do you plan to take, to move yourself toward that goal?

DoinBettr posted 12/18/2019 11:15 AM

36years - Why don't you feel like you can exist in the same house as her and not still respect yourself?
You don't have to have sex with her if you are in the same house? Unless I am missing something.
If you aren't building new memories, the current crappy mind movies will be all you have from your marriage. You need new memories to build on if you are going to be in this marriage. Otherwise it is just a piece of paper.
Maybe sleep in a guest bedroom of your house. Then you 2 can at least talk more regularly.

36yearsgone posted 12/18/2019 12:28 PM

36, I'm curious to know what your long game thinking might be. What would you like your anniversary next year to be like? Two years from now? Five years? What concrete steps have you taken, or do you plan to take, to move yourself toward that goal?

Here's the simple answer: I don't know.

Here's the not so simple answer: It is my hope that everything will return to butterflies and roses.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 12:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

36yearsgone posted 12/18/2019 12:30 PM

6years - Why don't you feel like you can exist in the same house as her and not still respect yourself?
You don't have to have sex with her if you are in the same house? Unless I am missing something.
If you aren't building new memories, the current crappy mind movies will be all you have from your marriage. You need new memories to build on if you are going to be in this marriage. Otherwise it is just a piece of paper.
Maybe sleep in a guest bedroom of your house. Then you 2 can at least talk more regularly.

I am beginning to enjoy living by myself.

Oldwounds posted 12/18/2019 12:33 PM

Here's the not so simple answer: It is my hope that everything will return to butterflies and roses.

I tried that. Hope isn't a bad thing, but it doesn't solve much on its own.

If you want butterflies, you've got to reach out beyond the anger and the pain to try and reconnect with the person who hurt you. It ain't easy, but in my case, it was worth pushing past the past.

36yearsgone posted 12/24/2019 12:02 PM

If you want butterflies, you've got to reach out beyond the anger and the pain to try and reconnect with the person who hurt you. It ain't easy, but in my case, it was worth pushing past the past.

Good advice, Oldwounds. But try aas I might, there still seems to be something holding me back.

Vomitousmass posted 12/24/2019 22:50 PM

36
My anniversary is in days. DDay for me was the same time of year. While that was many years ago, I'm still waiting for that soul scorching moment where my WW can see the devastated wasteland in front of her; the fruit of her adultery.

I have little hope of it ever happening because many times she reverts to someone with the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old. It's during those times where our relationship resembles something closer to a parent/child. It's also during those times that I realize I didn't marry a mature women. The person I married is deeply FOObared and profoundly lacking in many traits associated with emotional maturity. It's as if entire lines of code were never written. I didn't see the deficit, or maybe I just overlooked it until I had my own soul scorching moment in the aftermath. Hard to be all in under those circumstances when you might be dealing with the human incarnation of the Winchester Mystery House.