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Reading the tea leaves

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Bleu posted 12/19/2019 06:45 AM

Sounds like you are in a good place.

Hoping today unfolds a good result!

ZenMumWalking posted 12/19/2019 11:01 AM

Good luck today ((((barcher))))

barcher144 posted 12/19/2019 12:18 PM

The meeting, theoretically speaking, was for three hours and it should have been finished 15 minutes ago, at worst. My lawyer said that it typically only takes 1.5-2 hours, even though they schedule it for three.

My attorney still has not called me. My GF is going nuts. So is the dog, although I think that just means that she needs to pee. Perhaps that is GF's problem too? I'll mention it...

barcher144 posted 12/19/2019 12:54 PM

I just got the results. The evaluator recommended 75% custody for the mother and 25% custody for me.

little turtle posted 12/19/2019 13:06 PM

Oh no! Any reasons why??

tushnurse posted 12/19/2019 13:10 PM

OH Barcher I'm so sorry.
That is sooo sooo wrong, and unfair. It's also not in the best interest of your kids. The good thing is they are already near their teen years, so they will get to start making the decisions soon on who they want to spend time with.

You are a good man

homewrecked2011 posted 12/19/2019 13:16 PM

Hereís hope: in my case, once it was resolved, my xh really didnít want the kids, he just wanted to win. He then stopped getting the kids, couldnt care less about their activities, etc. he took extended vacations with gf, gave me the kids- even in the summer!!!
I hope this is the case for you. Go to every single practice, etc, ask ur xw if you can take them to eat after every game, etc, (gives her time with bf, saves her $$, too), hopefully youíll see them for a lot more than 25%.


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:51 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

MamaDragon posted 12/19/2019 13:22 PM

That does not mean that you cannot reevaulate it in the near future, especially if you continue to be a positive force in their life.

Plus that is just what she is recommending, that doesn't mean the Judge will follow that recommendation. Sometimes they don't.

barcher144 posted 12/19/2019 14:33 PM

I just spoke to my attorney about some of the details. In the end, the decision to award Mom 75% custody was based on my older two girls saying that they preferred to be with Mom rather than Dad. It's hard to argue against that, unless they change their mind.

The evaluator is recommending that Mom get into individual therapy and that we all work start "family therapy" in which the therapist can basically pick-and-choose which of us to see that week (or weeks).

The evaluator did not believe that STBXW has a personality disorder... and she did not believe that the kids had been coached.

I am going to go take a nap. I have to pick up my kids in 2 hours.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/19/2019 14:46 PM

Aw fuckit.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/19/2019 14:48 PM

Well damn.

sassylee posted 12/19/2019 15:00 PM

Iím sorry Barch. I know this is not what you were hoping for. I have no words of advice. I just feel bad it turned out this way.

emergent8 posted 12/19/2019 15:09 PM

I'm really sorry Barcher.

Carissima posted 12/19/2019 15:12 PM

I'm sorry this was the result but at least this means you should get your kids every week. You will still be able to be a constant, safe influence on them.

Phoenix1 posted 12/19/2019 17:22 PM

I'm sorry, barcher.

IF the judge accepts that recommendation (always a big "if"), you can still be a very powerful parental influence on your kids with 25%. It may be less time in total, but it will be consistent and ongoing. That means you can instill a lot of good things in their minds, create a lot of meaningful memories, and be a positive influence needed to counteract your STBX's toxic influence. It may not seem like it, but they will be watching and listening. They will emancipate before you know it.

I second asking for first right of refusal. Have it in writing to eliminate wiggle room.

Deep breathe. It's not over yet.

crazyblindsided posted 12/19/2019 17:50 PM

Oh no (((barcher144))) I'm so sorry.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/19/2019 18:27 PM

I'm sorry, Barcher. I know this wasn't what you wanted or expected. You have fought the good fight.

That right of first refusal is huge. Someone like your wife will certainly need coverage. I have this in my agreement, and I've gotten lots of extra time with my kids. I have never missed an overnight with my kids when they are in my care, except for sleeping at Grandma's house maybe three times in two years, as regular visits. Not first refusal situations.

I'm sure we all know many men who have one weeknight dinner and every other weekend. You are already ahead of that shitty game. 25% in writing, for you, but I'll wager it's going to be a lot more. Live your life, but always be available to change plans to be with your kids.

barcher144 posted 12/19/2019 19:15 PM

Thank you everyone for the support. It means a lot. I am honored.

Deep breathe. It's not over yet.

Not even close. They have refused to negotiate several other issues as well. I still think there is a good chance that we go to trial. We still have alimony to fight over. We have her salary to fight over (she's worked 30 hours per week, but the law is that we should estimate her full-time salary). We still have some property stuff to argue over. It's all BS games that her attorney is playing tbh.

As far as the parenting bit, I can always go back to court. But, as I said before, I want to get my kids out of the middle. They have suffered enough. I will make sure that we all go to "family therapy".

Hopefully, the parental alienation will stop... but beyond that, hopefully I can accumulate better evidence of it and fight back in the future. I doubt that it will stop as it is presently on-going.

I picked up my kids today and they are mad because I "won't let them go to their grandparent's house for Christmas." Not true. I simply refused to give STBXW Dec 26 without an exchange. The kids parroted STBXW's complaint that she wanted to trade a night Thanksgiving weekend with Dec 26. (I did get STBXW to give me 3-7pm on Dec 24 in exchange... so some success).

25% in writing, for you, but I'll wager it's going to be a lot more.

I doubt it. She is the type that enmeshes the kids. She has our 8-year old sleeping with her. I had to start doing it too because she was claiming that he did it because he was scared of me.

We are going to ask to see if we can get one evening a week for three hours so that I can do something with the kids (but not necessarily all three). The evaluator gave me points for trying to do things with the kids one-on-one, something that STBXW thinks is terrible parenting. This would give me a chance to do that.

nekonamida posted 12/19/2019 19:27 PM

Ouch, barcher. But everyone is right. It's not over yet.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/19/2019 20:07 PM

She needs to be shut down on trying to take YOUR time to go out of town with the kids - (Christmas) AND telling the kids about it.
Your time is your time.

My xh got the kids all excited about a trip - before asking me- on my freaking time. HELL to the no. The kids were mad, but I told them they would just have to be mad, as Dad could choose another time. XH called his atty and his own atty shut him down pretty fast.

Eventually my kids realized how to stand up to their Dad, by seeing that I stood up for myself on my time with them. And I was there every single time that mf was too busy for our kids.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:57 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

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