"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 12:25 PM

Ugh - so got the timeline. Initially wasn't a big deal because it was very sparse and left out a ton of stuff - so at least no new traumatic revelations.

Then, I pain shopped, if I'm using that correctly. I went through his phone records for a few months - and saw all the escorts he called during some of the stretch of his timeline. Calls to escorts versus calls to me, his wife, like 10-1.

I called him out on it by email and he said he needed compassion and he wouldn't be speaking to me for the rest of the day and that I was gaslighting him!

When he cuts off contact in the middle of something like this it makes me insane with anxiety. I'm getting a discard because I'm too insistent he be honest, won't let him slide? I get no resolution - no apology for leaving this out, no comfort, no explanation and now I'm persona non grata - not speaking to me??

I'm shaking and so upset - and I have to meet with an important client in a few hours so I can't take a Xanax.

Ok - I know I have to go back to no contact. I know. I know. It's so fucking hard to get over this hump. Fuck - I wish someone would put me in a coma and wake me up when this is over.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 12:55 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/23/2019 12:29 PM

Wow, he's got some cojones on him doesn't he? What a fuckwart.

You are right, you do need to go NC. NC = no new hurts. And, you knew his timeline was going to be complete bullshit cus he can't be truthful with you about anything. I know how hard it is to put down the hopium and stop the pain-shopping, but the sooner you can do those, the quicker you will feel better.

Sending many many hugs Skeet! NC this arse - you can do it!!

fareast posted 12/23/2019 12:34 PM

skeetermooch:

I think you are beginning to see you are never going to get a straight answer from your WH. He’s in total self protection mode. He doesn’t like being confronted with the truth. He’s used to getting his way. If you call him out on his lies and omissions he just gets defensive and shuts down. Poor muffin, you are simply supposed to believe his bullshit. You are not supposed to point out that he omitted calling two dozen escorts from his time-line. How dare you? He is not remorseful in the least. No contact. No contact. No contact. He is not going to change. Save yourself more pain. Good luck.

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 13:05 PM

NC = no new hurts

Putting this on post-its all over my house.

He is not going to change. Save yourself more pain

And this.

If he could just walk the fuck away that would help a whole lot. Instead he begs and pleads and gets the MC to reach out to me and takes my son out to dinner and puts bs up on his social media about his "amazing wife" who clearly is not as amazing as his hookers.

And even though he said he's not talking to me, he's already emailed and he's not actually going to not talk to me for the duration anyway - it's always just to cut me off when I'm in a state of upset for maximum pain.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 1:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Chaos posted 12/23/2019 13:07 PM

I called him out on it by email and he said he needed compassion and he wouldn't be speaking to me for the rest of the day and that I was gaslighting him!

The entitlement is strong with this one

When you have a chance [and when you are Xanax free] get a glass of wine, a decadent piece of chocolate, wear your comfiest clothes and indulge. If you have any thought process at all during this it should be "you are no longer my fu*king problem you flaming fu*kwart"

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 13:27 PM

"you are no longer my fu*king problem you flaming fu*kwart"

I will do that, Chaos!!

Sometimes, I actually have random moments of clarity. I see how unnecessary all of this trauma is - It looks so simple - I could walk away from this. I'm not tethered to this life of suspicion and pain. But, then I hop back onto the crazy train somehow.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/23/2019 14:29 PM

It takes time to ween ourselves off the drama and the hopium. But the more you stay N.C., the more you remind yourself of reality vs the gaslit bullshit false reality we were force fed, the longer the stretches of clarity.

Fuckwart is my new favorite word 😂

EllieKMAS posted 12/23/2019 14:29 PM

Sometimes, I actually have random moments of clarity. I see how unnecessary all of this trauma is - It looks so simple - I could walk away from this. I'm not tethered to this life of suspicion and pain. But, then I hop back onto the crazy train somehow.

Because this shit is HARD. Letting go of it is HARD. And that is ok that it's hard and that you have days where you struggle... because you are a human with actual human feelings and all of this doesn't just go away with the flick of a switch. (No matter how much we sometimes wish it would!)

Give yourself credit for how far you've come and try to hold on to those moments of clarity as long as you can. The more you do that, the easier it gets I promise!

tushnurse posted 12/23/2019 16:48 PM

Slight t/j.....I've been here a long time and it's a rare thing to hear a new term that I really like....but Fuckwart. That is perfection.
Resume your regularly scheduled discussion.
Oh and Skeeter honey you are strong and smart and brave. Fuck him and his diseased hookers. You are such a better person. Who cares what he posts on FB. it does not matter.

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 18:22 PM

Thank you all for getting me through my melt down. Your encouragement and wise words are everything. I truly don't know where I'd be without you all.

Onwards and upwards and no more fuckwarts!!!

gmc94 posted 12/23/2019 20:22 PM

Fuckwart. That is perfection.

You are welcome. It was borne of a combo of posts in the Betrayed Womenz thread.

Skeeter - You got this. You know you got this. You knew it before he came. You knew it would be hard (and it is). And despite his begging and MC and other bologna, you still got this.

It IS is hard. Triggers effing suck. Your WH's head is so far up his ass he can see his larynx.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't change it.

That's the mantra for alanon, but IMO, it works just as well with cheaters.

Hugs to you.

Bleu posted 12/23/2019 21:14 PM

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't change it.

Once you accept this, there will be glimmers of magic and a wonderful future ahead.

It was hard for me, too.

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2019 22:37 PM

Your WH's head is so far up his ass he can see his larynx.

Truer words were never spoken. It's extraordinary that he can remain in this position for all of these months with IC, with being kicked out. But his obstinance will be his undoing, not mine. I'll reach my limit.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't change it.
Once you accept this, there will be glimmers of magic and a wonderful future ahead.

It was hard for me, too.

Thanks, Bleu. Here's to more glimmers of magic in 2020!!

The1stWife posted 12/24/2019 04:11 AM

Still engaging in “trying to get an honest answer” from him.

He doesn’t have it in him. He’s a liar and a coward!

I spent years trying to get answers and make sense of his affair. The day I stopped my life Improved dramatically.

I knew everything I needed to know. I wanted details and why. Until I learned the only answer to why is b/c he chose to cheat.

I decided to move on and heal me. He could only do so much. I had to do the rest. Wishing you the best and hope you start healing from this nightmare. Unfortunately the healing is a slow process.

skeetermooch posted 12/24/2019 10:51 AM

Thanks, 1stwife.

You hit the nail on the head. I'm still trying to get an honest answer. I now get that it's not happening.

I do know all I need to know. He was utterly out of control - calling, texting, seeing escorts constantly. How many, what they did - doesn't change anything.

I'm safe now with him living elsewhere, post-nup in place, reclaiming my sanity and my life bit by bit.

If I weren't out of my mind with grief and processing trauma, I could say I have a really good life. I like my day to day so much better without him here and I rarely ever miss him. That's weird to say since I haven't completely let go - but it's true. I miss him when I've had a glass of wine - I don't know why that is??? But normally - nope - don't miss cuddling at night - none of it.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 10:51 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]