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Love? So what!

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fournlau posted 2/4/2020 09:31 AM

I think we all agree that love is bullshit unless it is backed up by real selfless actions! Unfortunately, it is going to take so much time for any BS to feel that love again. Me included. Right now I'm still at the stage where yeah, so what.

I'm not saying love isn't important in a relationship, otherwise, I don't think any of us would be feeling so devastated by what our WS's did. We loved them, and many still do, whether they stay together or not. But we now have taken those blinders off and are seeing things as they truly are. Love is not enough. Love does not conquer all. "All you need is love" is dead. Because you need more! And you need it every day.

So yeah, all the romantic, blind love, is nauseating to me now. Because that isn't reality. It is not sustainable! It dies a slow and pathetic death if there is no foundation. And the cheating tears down that foundation.

Love? Whatever!

whoami62 posted 2/4/2020 09:59 AM

Oddly, most of the time during his affair , he was very loving towards me.

He went to great lengths ( and expense ) to make my 50th birthday very special...and kept it going months after my birthday by making my dream travel destination come true.

We never skipped a beat when it came to our sex life and of course he has told me that he never stopped loving me , before , during and after his affair.

I don't know if he really understands the concept of love , at least from a romantic point of view. He loves his children, parents , brother and our pets . He also told his AP that he loved her and also she was his " soulmate "

His explanation for that was that he told her what she wanted to hear to get more from her...and some of that more was work related

No doubt , he has some warped views when he was involved with her , but my view of his declared love for me is now and forever will be tainted.

Our MC who is a CSAT assures me that it is possible to love your spouse and cheat

As a side note , my husband is a self made business owner and directly values his worth based on the money in the bank..
I usually make all deposits and there isn't much cash this time of year..the other day was unusual and he had a large deposit for me. As he handed me the cash , he said to me :
" you are going to really love me today "

Sigh...can't tell you how many times I have told him that money has no bearing on how much or little I love him

It's very hard for him to unlearn this

DebraVation posted 2/4/2020 13:20 PM

I told my WH I don't care if he thinks he loves me, but he will bloody well respect me.

DIFM posted 2/4/2020 14:55 PM

Our MC who is a CSAT assures me that it is possible to love your spouse and cheat

It all hinges on how the MC defines love. It appears that the MC's definition of love does not make it incompatible with abuse, neglect, betrayal, endangerment, and manipulation.

If that is so, then there really is very little value in love as a noun or a verb or as anything at all.

JBWD posted 2/4/2020 20:56 PM

Seeing “love everywhere” has become, IMO, a fairly hazardous marketing ploy. I will make a statement that’s true of me at my worst, guessing that there might be others with similar experiences.

When we see soulmates, intense partners, etc- The marketers have the advantage of not having to show a lot of substance, just the surface. If you haven’t experienced the strong bonds some have described (50 year marriages, etc) it might be hard to fathom that there’s effort that goes into it. Like watching the duck swim without seeing the feet move. Once again not reason enough to cheat, but a potential contributor to lopsided unhealthy expectations.

It’s hazardous to those trying to sell you crap to acknowledge that there are things we can do for each other as humans without the new product. This has in turn led to increasing isolation as we pin increasing numbers of roles/responsibilities onto ONE PERSON instead of the many that used to interact in less nuclear families. It’s putting a lot on the partnership, and it often rears its head here. Interesting book on diversifying is called “Connections” by Dr Edward Hallowell.

I believe in love. I believe my BW taught me so much about it in our aftermath, regrettably too late. But you can’t really blame anyone here who’s been betrayed from hearing that they’re loved and saying “If that’s what this is, no thanks.”

SpeedBump posted 2/5/2020 01:44 AM

He also told his AP that he loved her and also she was his " soulmate "

His explanation for that was that he told her what she wanted to hear to get more from her...and some of that more was work related

I hear this time and time again and even from my WH. Seems to me WSes use it the same way with their BS. They need us for...laundry, cooking, finances and saying meaningless 'I love you," keeps those things rolling in while they play the field. I have never felt so used and unloved in my life while WS disputes that, as though he gets to tell me how I feel.

Love is cheap to a WS. They use those words like coin.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/5/2020 07:37 AM

My H told me he loved me always. Never stopped loving me, even when he was screwing the OW. He immediately felt ashamed for what he had done. I'm with you, so what? I don't need that kind of love.

I'm not saying love isn't important in a relationship, otherwise, I don't think any of us would be feeling so devastated by what our WS's did.

Here's something to consider. Is this love or is it attachment? Are we devastated by the cheating and lies because we love our partners, or is it because our world has suddenly become unsafe? That devastation we feel is about us, our fear, not our love for them.

We can love people and let them go. We can love people and not let their behavior affect us. I love my kids. I don't get hurt when they scream that they hate me. I know that is about them, not me. I want them to be happy no matter what, even if I feel hurt because of it.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that attachment is wrong, necessarily. I am not saying that it's ok for them to cheat or lie or harm us in any way. Just saying it's not our love for another person that causes us to feel devastated when they don't live up to our expectations.

sisoon posted 2/5/2020 09:03 AM

So yeah, all the romantic, blind love, is nauseating to me now. Because that isn't reality.
I'm sorry you're nauseated. Romantic love sure seems real to me.

It is not sustainable!
Yup. I know. I've been waiting for it to go away since 1965.

Until my W's A, I never found M to be hard work. I guess part of that was doing basic work on keeping the in-love feeling going. About 2 weeks into our M, I realized I'd go crazy unless I could see all the attractive women as attractive, but not as potential sexual partners. At that point I decided to associate any conscious thought of sex with my W.

As we aged, I decided to emphasize the (many) nice parts of her body and de-emphasize the signs of aging. For me, it was either that or cheat; it was either continue to desire my W sexually (and in other ways, to be sure) or doom myself to great unhappiness.

So the in-love feelings can be sustained, with a little work. I know I'm in a minority, but I can't be the only man who has taken this approach to M.

It dies a slow and pathetic death if there is no foundation.
Yup.
And the cheating tears down that foundation.
True. Just remember it can be rebuilt if both partners want to rebuild, and if bot partners do the necessary work. And if you can't rebuild with your WS, it's always possible to build a new relationship with someone else.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:04 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

dfdxb posted 2/14/2020 01:52 AM

I definitely have become bitter after DDay. My WS cant live without me apparently. Loves me more than life. Changing his actions etc

None if it is registering in my heart and I find it hard to believe he loves me like he says.

Doesn't help that everyone I know has been through some form of betrayl. When I see happy couples on the street now I try and guess who will cheat first.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/14/2020 06:31 AM

None if it is registering in my heart and I find it hard to believe he loves me like he says.

That's the kicker. Something the CP most certainly did not consider when he decided to cheat. Now, he says, "Oh, shit! I'm sorry. I always loved you. Take me back." Problem is that feeling of being loved is gone for the BP. IME, it doesn't return.

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