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Unhappy, thinking of leaving. Confused.

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Cycle1 posted 4/23/2020 14:43 PM

Fast back story to bring you up to speed. Married 22 years. Tomorrow will be exactly 5 years from the day I learned of her LTA. We decided to try reconciling. It mostly worked. It was tough but ultimately we have a good relationship, for the most part. We went through the second honeymoon phase, so to speak. Then over the years things went back to normal life. And that's where I am now.

We still get along fine. A regular marriage. Ups and downs, minor fights, good laughs, etc. And she's never gone off track in being a good wife since DDay. I honestly have zero suspicion she'll ever do it again.

But then there's this. I don't feel like I'm in love with her anymore. I don't look at her and think she's beautiful anymore. I don't feel excited to see her when I get home. Or miss her when I'm gone. I don't look forward to one on one time.

I also find myself fantasizing about dating again. Finding a new partner, settling in with them. I wonder what that would be like? To reset and start fresh with someone. I'd NEVER cheat. So it won't happen now. We have a child who is a junior in HS right now. I'm contemplating leaving after he graduates. He is a major priority for me.

I feel she has some of these same thoughts, if I asked her. But to bring them up now and have them in the air around us for another year would feel like torture. I feel we'd separate amicably, and remain friends. There's no hate between us anymore.

I don't even know what I'm asking with this long, rambling post. What do you make of this?

survrus posted 4/23/2020 15:08 PM

Cycle,

How long was the LTA?

Did you DNA test, STD test expose the OM?

The1stWife posted 4/23/2020 15:23 PM

If you are serious you need to start your plan B now.

See a lawyer. Learn your rights and obligations.

BetterTimesAhead posted 4/23/2020 15:54 PM

Cycle1, my guess is that you will never look at her or feel the same about her because of what she did. In effect, she took the magic away and all the things that you overlooked, all the things that were once adorable quirks, everything that made her special - made her her - are gone. She's just a woman now, a woman that betrayed you. And maybe you subconsciously can't let go of that - can't believe she ever did that to you. That feeling of complete safety and trust is not there because you can't help but be reminded of what she did, even if you forgave her, even if you've moved passed it. So, you can have a good life with her but the fairy tale aspect is gone. The part that made everyday life seem special because of who you were with.

Again, just my guess.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/23/2020 16:14 PM

I'm pretty much in the same time and 0lace as you. 5+ years out from dday1. I thought we were reconciled at year 4. Then, almost exactly a year later he did something stupid and inconsiderate and I was done. He didn't cheat again or even come close. I don't think he ever will again. I just don't feel anything for him anymore.

We have younger kids and I like my life, so I'm not planning to leave anytime soon. It's always in the back of my mind, though, someday...

Darkness Falls posted 4/23/2020 16:17 PM

Iím in the same place too, except Iím the WS. 10 years, one remarriage, and two kids...and we just donít love each other anymore. Getting back together was the biggest mistake either of us ever made.

The kids are babies, thoughóIím jealous of your high school junior!

eehamlet posted 4/23/2020 16:30 PM

This thread makes me sad. Those of you that put in so much work to overcome the betrayal that the cheating caused only to achieve a reconciliation that actually worked for some extended period of time.

I'd fully understand blowing things up if there was another instance of cheating but to call it quits because you fell out of love...... Damn....

I don't have the answer but there must be some sort of couples counseling that might help.

It would seem to me like you had a nice car then had the engine blow out, spent tons of $$$ and sweat putting in a new engine then drove the rebuilt care for 4 years and needed new tire. After all that why sell the car?

As a couple you folks overcame the greatest challenge any relationship could face. Surely you'd at least try to get over this one.

Now granted - I've never reconciled with a cheating wife but I have been betrayed and have been with my now wife since 1982. Marriages have their ups and downs. Some things are worth fighting for.

Good luck Cycle1, cocoplus5nuts, and Darkness Falls - I hope that all of you find happiness however you need to.


Butforthegrace posted 4/23/2020 16:52 PM

Cycle, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Interestingly, there is a poster -- Waitewaytoolong -- who divorced his WW about 5 years after Dday. He just finally realized he could not look at her with love any more and never would.

On Feb 2, 2017, a little over 3 years ago, you posted:

It's been almost 2 years since dday. We have sat and talked and told each other what we need and want more times than I can count. How long do I need to wait?

You said you have a son who is a HS junior? Graduates June 2022? Maybe that's your answer to how long you have to wait. Until June 2022.

On March 14 of 2018, you posted:

At the end of our argument she for the first time said it. She said she's tired of trying. Said she thinks it is to we just end this. I don't know what she was expecting of me. But I calmly told her I agreed, and that I've been thinking it for the past year. She looked surprised I said that, and that was the end of it. We haven't talked since.

Sounds like your marriage has been more or less a stalemate since then. In July of that year the POSOM "accidentally" send your WW a friend request on social media. In August of that year, you crossed paths with him at work. In December you had a conversation with him in front of his GF.

How did you learn of the LTA? Do you care to relive that part? How long-term was the actual LTA?

Has your WW ever gotten a job? I believe you said that one of your children was fairly high needs. Is that the reason she doesn't work outside the home, or is it simply that she doesn't need to and doesn't feel like it?

In this thread, you say:

But then there's this. I don't feel like I'm in love with her anymore. I don't look at her and think she's beautiful anymore. I don't feel excited to see her when I get home. Or miss her when I'm gone. I don't look forward to one on one time.

We have a child who is a junior in HS right now. I'm contemplating leaving after he graduates. He is a major priority for me.

I feel she has some of these same thoughts, if I asked her. But to bring them up now and have them in the air around us for another year would feel like torture. I feel we'd separate amicably, and remain friends. There's no hate between us anymore.

I would be very surprised if your WW didn't intuit exactly what you are feeling, and is in fact even making her plans for what she'll do after your son graduates. Women are very tuned in on these things. I reckon you ought to start planning your life as if the marriage is done after graduation.

Justsomeguy posted 4/23/2020 16:59 PM

Because I have chosen to D, my opinions are biased. As well, I'm in the "once a cheater-always a cheater" camp, most of the time. I believe that building a stronger M after an affair is a very rare thing. Rather I think many people convince themselves of this soas to justify their choice. My MIL was one. Her H was a serial cheater and she stayed for the kids. I'm sure she suffered Stockholm syndrome from it, but she stayed. In the end, she confessed that she just wanted him to hurry up and die so she could be free. I often wonder how much better her life could have been.

The question is, what life do you want? Is meh okay, or do you want more? You got one crack at it, so live it is my position.

Evertrying posted 4/23/2020 17:14 PM

We have a child who is a junior in HS right now. I'm contemplating leaving after he graduates. He is a major priority for me.

Why wait? He's old enough to understand. If you aren't feeling it and it appears she isn't either, why stay and make each other AND subject your son to see you are in an unhappy marriage.
I am a child of divorce and I can tell you that I would much rather come from a broken home than live in one. I don't understand people that "stay for the kids", because guess what? They grow up, move out and start their own lives, and you and your wife look at each other with regret, resentment and anger that you wasted time with someone your not in love with anymore.

I have a friend who's parents went through infidelity yet they stayed together "for the kids" and then continued to stay together after all the kids were gone. Now they are in their 80's and HATE each other but feel stuck because they didn't make the move when the kids left, and actually should have done it before they left! It is so uncomfortable to be around them because they both just trash each other in front of whoever is there. I talked to my friends mother when her Dad wasn't in the room and all she can say is what a waste the last half of her life was. That she grew to absolute hate her husband and even said at one point she wished he would just die in his sleep.
A pretty miserable existence if you ask me.
Life is way too short to accept something just because that's the way it's been for 22 yrs.
If you really want out, get out.

nightmare01 posted 4/23/2020 17:53 PM

I think that love must have trust at its root. Infidelity kills trust, at least for the BS I think. With a lot of work, some of that trust can be rebuilt, but I doubt it will ever be as it was. Again, from a BS POV, I don't think it should be... I mean, I trusted my wife completely, and she used that against me.

That's not gonna happen again.

We've reconciled and are good together. I like my wife a lot, but love? <shrug>

Cycle1 posted 4/23/2020 18:00 PM

Lots of replies with questions here. I really appreciate it. I'll never get to all questions, but to answer a few.....

Yes, all three of my kids are my kids. Oldest has since moved out. She's the only one that knows everything. She still has a great relationship with both of us.

We are a happy household in all ways except for the lack of love I feel for her. My 17yo son is not witnessing anything bad. He's happy, doing great in school, and loves working. I don't want to disrupt his life at this critical point.

We do have one younger son, with significant health issues. He is not expected to be around much longer. I don't mean to sound like I'm brushing that off as insignificant. It is. But it was expected and I've always taken him day by day.

We've been through all the counseling I can take. And again, all is right at this point, except for the love is gone.

You want to know something that seems do stupid to me? One if my biggest concerns with leaving is where will I put all my stuff? I have all kinds of tools and guy type toys that I'll lose access to if I move to an apartment. They'll have to go into storage for who knows how long. I don't want this house. Silly, eh?

I'm being called for dinner, so I'll check in again later and answer more questions. Thank you all again.

OwningItNow posted 4/23/2020 19:21 PM

R seems to me to be about piling new memories and new attitudes onto the old beliefs. The old M is still down below it all. I can never walk away from what my H was, said, did. It is always still there with the new adventures piled on top. I haven't decided if that's good enough.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/23/2020 22:52 PM

As a couple you folks overcame the greatest challenge any relationship could face. Surely you'd at least try to get over this one.

First, I have to ask what you think we would try to get over? Your post has me feeling a little like you are blaming the BS for failed R, as if it's the BS's responsibility. It's not. The BS never owes the CS anything.

I didn't overcome any challenge. My H failed. He failed the moment he chose to cheat. I was done the moment I found out. My love for him died then. I stayed and let him try to R. I realize now that my love will never come back after his betrayal.

His attempt at R was the same as everything else he has done. A surface show of what he thought I wanted so that I would like him again. Once I saw that none of it was real, I was back to square one. That's on him, not me.

For me, it's not about trust. It's about respect. I have no respect for him. I can't love someone I don't respect.

Butforthegrace posted 4/24/2020 09:32 AM

How was dinner?

As to your son, my bet would be that he observes and absorbs way more about your marriage than you seem to believe. Kids are extremely perceptive of stuff at home, and if your oldest knows, then you should assume your 17-year old also knows. It is almost certain he harbors opinions about the marriage you have modeled for him for the past 5-7 years.

There is a lot of discussion about the impact of divorce on families, depending on the stage of life. I personally think that for a child around the age of 8-11, divorce has little impact so long as the parents are devoted to good co-parenting.

In contrast, if a kid graduates high school and goes off to college, a divorce at that point can be very difficult for the child. The kid is trying to feel his way in the world, uncertain. The comfort of knowing home is there as an escape is important. If the home dissolves and the parents split at that point, the child can feel untethered, like that astronaut in that movie where the line breaks and she drifts freely into space.


thatbpguy posted 4/24/2020 09:46 AM

Some thoughts...

Let's set aside the betrayal for the moment. I think there are specific reasons people fall in love and they usually remain. It's the couple who get lazy. Think about what it was that brought you together in the first place and see how that can be reignited.

Talk to her. Tell her your thoughts. Maybe she has the same or maybe she will want to fight for the marriage. Who knows, maybe you're just in male menopause or something.

One last thought is that many couples stay together because they have a comfortable marriage and starting over, or being alone, is less preferable. My wife and I married as we were great friends. And still are.

notanotherchance posted 4/24/2020 11:32 AM

Cycle I could never have stayed with my WW after I found out so I left. Best decision ever. What you decide after the A is up to you period. Much like the A was all her idea.
As for the boy toys, tools & man cave trinkets I rented a storage facility that has 24/7 accessibility, set it up like a mini garage & have stuck everything in there for whenever I want to visit the treasure trove whenever I am back in country.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:41 PM, April 24th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 4/24/2020 13:32 PM

She's the only one that knows everything.

You really think she hasn't told her little brother???? I highly doubt that.

In contrast, if a kid graduates high school and goes off to college, a divorce at that point can be very difficult for the child. The kid is trying to feel his way in the world, uncertain.

I don't know if you went away to school, or if your son is planning on doing so, but it can be an extremely difficult transition period, especially if you have a kid that was smart and didn't have to work too hard in HS. They do in college and the changes there can tough. Also dealing w/ extreme changes at home would be really hard on some kids..... like flunk out hard.

I would encourage you to find your new normal sooner than later, or stop with the fantasy that you are going to find something better. Your thoughts almost sound wayward in your initial post. Wanting something better than what you got.

As someone who has R'd and rebuilt a healthy happy M afterward I can say that I am glad w/ the choices we made, and my H is a great man who holds me in a place of high priority. But I also did a lot of healing w/ myself as well, and know that if something ended it all today, that I would be content to be alone. Maybe you need to find that. That internal peace and happiness.

Relationships wax and wane, and sometimes have passion and others not so much, but just because that passion is not there doesn't mean that the relationship isn't strong and healthy. It may mean there is stuff to pick at and figure out, it may mean you are now middle aged, and it's time to get your testosterone levels checked. It may mean that your M is forever broken, and her A was truly a dealbreaker, but stop fantasizing about what can be, and start doing the real work to figure your shit out. Not being intentional and authentic in how you live only makes you miserable.

Westway posted 4/24/2020 14:26 PM

Cycle1 there is no reason to feel guilty if you want to move on and divorce her. Forgiveness and trying years to reconcile is no guarantee to the WS that their hard work will keep the BS in the marriage.

I used to work for a landscaping/tree doctor service when I was putting myself through college, and my boss taught me something about old trees that kind of imitates life. Sometimes when a tree is struck by lightening, it will go years looking healthy and continue to put out leaves. But inside the heartwood of the tree is burned and it starts to rot out. Eventually the rot will travel through the tree and it will slowly die from the inside out. This can take years.

I think that is the way adultery kills a marriage. Most of the time it blows the marriage up, but sometimes it injects a slow poison that takes years to kill all the love. Maybe that is what happened with you.

sisoon posted 4/24/2020 17:12 PM

I agree - D is traumatic for kids at any time. Soon after he starts college, though, is one of the worst times, especially if he's away from home, for the reasons stated above.

But what did you do to R?

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:13 PM, April 24th (Friday)]

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