Summer1976 posted 5/1/2020 12:21 PM

Hello again

As the titles reads. How does the other woman/man sleep at night? Yes, I know I shouldn't look but her social media is public and I can see pictures and videos of her laughing and she is 'liking' my husbands posts (and I know, yes this is where he would tell me that we are separated. From day 1 when he told me he was leaving he would say to all my questions 'we are separated.' He had obviously and unknown to me checked out long before.). While I have been feeling distraught and confused for a year since he left.

Am I just really old fashioned that I couldn't do that to a family/person in a committed relationship? Obviously I don't know what he has/is telling her but I could not do it and I cannot understand her motivations or the mind of someone that could. And I keep telling my children that I am sure that she isn't a 'bad' person.

She is 15 years younger than him and he is increasingly acting like a man in his late teens/early 20's. It's quite embarrassing.

I know he had his reasons but the whole thing still totally freaks me out at times.

20 years together and 2 beautiful children, a lovely home, pets, we both work, a whole life, I don't get how they can do it.

I try really hard not to speak to him about any of this or make snide comments but it hurts when I see this stuff on social media.

Please help me to understand this!

Phoenix1 posted 5/1/2020 15:49 PM

It's called integrity. Some people have it, some people don't and can sleep very well at night knowing they hurt others. Of course there are a lot of other possible reasons- personality disorders being one.

You can't understand it because you are not wired that way. That is why we advise learning to accept it. Some people are black holes of endless need, and they don't care who they hurt trying to fill that bottomless pit of need.

Aside from accepting the situation, stop looking at their social media. It's not called pain shopping for nothing. I know it is tempting, but you are only hurting yourself doing it. Put a rubberband on your wrist. Everytime you think about looking, snap the rubberband. Negative reinforcement to break the habit.

Lastly, this:

And I keep telling my children that I am sure that she isn't a 'bad' person.

should stop. An interloper in someone else's marriage IS a bad person! Don't cover for her. Does this suggest you start trash talking the OW to your kids? Not at all. It means not trying to put a positive spin on it and keeping your opinions to yourself. Stay neutral with regard to OW. If she stays in the picture long term, your kids will come to their own opinion of her. Let them without any commentary from you. As long as she treats your kids well, that's the best to hope for.

Hang in there, Summer. It does get better, but it takes a lot of time.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/1/2020 18:39 PM

Hi Summer

Phoenix is right. They have no integrity.

But STOP LOOKING. I get it — the draw is so hard. But it does no good. Really.
And keep your comments with him to only what is absolutely necessary. How old are your kids?

You are moving forward, and it is hard. But keep detaching from him. NC is so powerful (it takes a few weeks to start feeling normal— but remember he’s a habit that you have to break).

Are you in IC? THat might help you wrap your head around some of this. I found it helpful.

Time is truly a four letter word — just keep moving forward. You’ll get there! Happier days are ahead.

The1stWife posted 5/2/2020 05:49 AM

She’s not a bad person? ROFLMAO 🤣

She has convinced herself your “poor H” is so unhappy and you the wife are the evil monster. She probably is too stupid to realize many cheating spouses use the same story. “My wife doesn’t love me” blah blah blah

No morals. No integrity. No ethics. No self respect.

All traits of an AP.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/2/2020 09:12 AM

I believe it’s ok to tell the kids AP is not a good person. I did I with the first ow. I’m so glad I did because that affair ended badly to the point where police were called more than once, and I had to email my kid’s school (she was in kindergarten at the time) that ow might come to school, if so call police immediately. I had to tell my 5 year old if she saw that woman at school, to run away from her.

That was much easier done because I had told her ow was not a nice person . Even if your kids are adults, they need to see you stand up and show your moral integrity. It is NEVER ok to carry on with a married man. EVER. You need to still model that integrity for them. So they won’t think what their dad is doing is ok on any level.

Incarnate posted 5/2/2020 09:30 AM

I told my oldest daughter that the OM and OW were absolutely garbage people. Good people wouldn't have started an intimate sexual relationship with a married woman who had 5 kids. Good people wouldn't make hidden threats shaming that woman's husband because he had the audacity to be upset with the situation.

Good people don't go looking for married people online to have sex with. Good people don't step outside of their marriages.

The conclusion that my daughter came up with is that the APs are shitty people and so is her mother. I never said that last part, but, frankly, my STBXW's relationship with her children is not my responsibility any more.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 1:59 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Brokenheart29 posted 5/2/2020 14:32 PM

They sleep very well as they are not wired up like you. They don’t have the same kindness or empathy.
My xwh and ow have just moved in together after obliterating my family (I was pregnant with our second child) she got what she wanted and believes she’s with her soul mate. They don’t care about who they hurt in the process.
But here’s the thing. She got a broken cheating lying cretin of a man.
Please try not to pain shop. You just need time to accept what has happened to you. Yes it’s shitty and painful beyond words. But you didn’t lose a good man. Also don’t try think of ow too much. She wasn’t married to you. It’s easier to try shift blame (although I agree they should be held accountable for their awful actions) your wh was the one who decided to cheat and lie to you. She doesn’t deserve your time. Also tell your kids she’s not a nice human. Mine know my feelings on ow. I’m not going to fabricate who she is. Any woman who sleeps with a married man is not a good person.

[This message edited by Brokenheart29 at 6:50 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

hcsv posted 5/2/2020 14:44 PM

Exs AP is sleeping with her third husband. And it's not Ex. He didnt get the girl.

[This message edited by hcsv at 2:46 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

LadyG posted 5/3/2020 11:07 AM

She has convinced herself your “poor H” is so unhappy and you the wife are the evil monster. She probably is too stupid to realize many cheating spouses use the same story. “My wife doesn’t love me” blah blah blah

My STBXH told her, what he told me...

STBX: I told her she is not my type and I am not attracted to her. In fact he told me, that he pointed out flaws in her appearance that he disliked.

STBXH wasn’t looking for love. He was looking for free sex. He even admitted that he would have had been better off visiting a Brother/Whorehouse or picked up an escort for the night when his perverted urges took over. He was bored with the AF and yet the entire time, he taunted me with ‘I love you, I want you, you are beautiful and I find you irresistible’ the feelings from my part where not reciprocated. He forgot ‘ I respect you, I honour you, I cherish you. These words cane too little, too late

[This message edited by LadyG at 11:17 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

somanyyears posted 5/3/2020 11:43 AM

.. HHMMMmmmmm? Let me think!?

AP is in a very deep sleep, deep, deep, deep.

SIX FEET DEEP.. 14 years DEEP.

Sorry, I just couldn't resist responding.

smy

I could have written your third last line!

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:45 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 5/5/2020 18:45 PM

Seriously, stop looking at their FB account. Just b/c its public doesn't mean you should go snooping. It will hurt you more than anyone else.

sparkysable posted 5/13/2020 16:08 PM

The human emotions that would keep us up at night if we did something so hurtful to someone else, just does not exist in them. They literally do not care.

Evertrying posted 5/14/2020 15:34 PM

She’s not a bad person? ROFLMAO 🤣
She has convinced herself your “poor H” is so unhappy and you the wife are the evil monster. She probably is too stupid to realize many cheating spouses use the same story. “My wife doesn’t love me” blah blah blah

No morals. No integrity. No ethics. No self respect.

All traits of an AP.

^^^^^^^
THIS

My H's AP even had the balls to say "Oh God. I bet your wife hates me",,, after I found out about their A and he told her I knew. WTF?????
Seriously. Oh no you idiot, I love the fact that you fucked my husband.