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Husband left for younger AP

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Muggle posted 6/25/2020 18:15 PM

I am literally so broken inside, I don't know how to move past the pain. Will it ever go away? I can't stop thinking that he is getting to live out his limerent fantasy with his 14 years younger AP, while I'm here left to pick up the pieces of the broken home he left. I'm trying to focus on myself and go to therapy, but it's not enough. The Pain is too real and I need a lot of help. Is he a hopeless cause? Will he finally wake up from the limerence one day and realize all that he has lost? or will he just go on and think this was all justified?

This is an all too familiar statement seen on this forum. Infidelity does break you, and the pain is indescribable to anyone that's not felt it first hand. A new baby on top of all that and you are feeling like the world is spiraling and you are circling the drain with it.

I feel your pain, we all do. You will not likely find the answers your brain needs to wrap your head around this. Nothing in life prepares us to be betrayed by someone with as much power as someone that held our trust, and love.

You will need to focus on yourself, your needs and the needs of your new baby. I know this will be hard, and many days you may cry all day and have no peace at all.

This too shall pass. You don't feel it when it's happening but when your mind has caught up and you've grieved the loss of the life you imagined, and you stop trying to find the magic decoder ring for what happened, you will start to heal.

It happens slowly, painfully, but it does happen.

We had the PERFECT relationship that everybody wanted. We had everything, perfect relationship, house, jobs, child. How could he just leave it all because we had a rough first year with a new baby?

You imagined you had a perfect relationship, but he wasn't sharing in that. He was flawed, and failed to live up to being the partner you deserved. He's incapable of seeing what he has, and may not ever feel the loss you are feeling. He's selfish, and not worthy of your devotion, attention, love or tears. His fantasy is exactly that, a thought that life is greener on the other side, but it rarely turns out that way.

She isn't special, better than you and doesn't have some magic that she brought to the situation. She's willing to accept a man that's left his wife with a newborn, and has had an affair with her co worker. Karma will get them both in time, but it's not going to make you feel better right now.

Ask yourself if she can ever trust him when she knows how he left you holding the bag? He cheated on the woman he'd been with for 12 years. He will cheat on her too, in time. He has no respect for himself, so he doesn't respect her any more than he respected you. Remember you didn't deserve this, you are not at fault for his choices in life. You were forced to endure the pain of his choice. No one forces someone to cheat. There's ZERO excuse EVER for cheating.

Don't be afraid to talk to a therapist or get counseling if you feel stuck. It really does help to have someone else to talk to and guide you out of the pain.

Keep chatting, and getting advise, and we are here all the time. All of us are at different points in this process, so tons of support to be found here.


CoderMom posted 6/30/2020 22:59 PM

Counseling is an option. Having been horribly cheated on, I still have issues trusting people and had to go to counseling myself.

SallyShrink81 posted 7/6/2020 12:58 PM

We had the PERFECT relationship that everybody wanted. We had everything, perfect relationship, house, jobs, child. How could he just leave it all because we had a rough first year with a new baby?

He didn't leave because of a rough year. He left because it wasn't perfect and easy anymore. Basically (excuse my language) but shit got real and he couldn't handle it. How do I know? same thing happened to me. My then 36-year old husband would not end a year long affair with his 19 year old coworker. Our DD was 3 at the time the A started and our DS was 3 months old. They are still together. She's about to be 25 and getting sick of his immature, helpless shit. She's outgrowing him and he's 41.

You can and will get through this. One day you'll look back and shake your head because you are so strong and so brave and so wonderful and don't realize it. Working through and surviving infidelity will help you recognize how incredible and strong you are!

gmc94 posted 7/6/2020 14:12 PM

Resilient - I - and probably every other BS - felt the same way you do in those early days/weeks/months. It hurts. Bad. And it's really hard to change the lens from "what did I do wrong" to "what kind of a man would do such a thing" . It can take some time for one's head and heart to get back in sync after the TRAUMA of betrayal & abandonment.

You've got some great advice. One thing that really helped me start to reframe thoughts is a book by Rick Hanson called (coincidentally, given your user name) Resilient. If possible, I'd get on audiobook (I got audiobook from my library for free), as audio will make it easier to do the exercises (not necessary, just helpful.... and I couldn't concentrate or focus for sh*t on paper after dday, but was able to whiz through a lot of audiobooks). Hanson talks about incorporating joy into our daily lives, and using that to help sustain us (or provide resilience) during the tough times. With a new baby, I can imagine the hundreds of joyful moments (and some stressful ones too) to savor in the day.

Another book I enjoyed is "journey from abandonment to healing" by (I think) susan anderson. I'd bet this will really resonate given your WH's deciding to up & leave.

Another thing to remember is that this is TRAUMATIZING. For real. As in, this shit can change your neural pathways (which is something the Rick Hanson book can help). I spent a fair amount of energy blaming myself for the pain and emotions. For obsessing about it all. I remember thinking all the damn time "what the eff is WRONG with me??" This kind of reaction is not unusual for anyone who has experienced a traumatic event. Our lizard brains can kind of take over. A great book about trauma is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk. It's like the bible of trauma for me. It's long, and with a new baby, your time for books at all may be pretty limited, but it may be worth checking out (I also got it on audiobook from the library.... cuz I guess I'm cheap that way ). The biggest takeaway for me was the validation of my feelings and why I couldn't just set them aside like I could with everything else before dday. IOW, my being so heartbroken and dysfunctional and incapable of controlling my emotions did not make me an awful or immature or whatever [fill in blank] person. It made me someone recovering from trauma, who could benefit from shifting the energy I was spending on self blame over my reaction to really letting myself experience all the feelings of grief and loss that come with a dday. To owning that hurt, feeling that pain (that I didn't think was possible to experience and still be alive), and processing that this did happen. That I did not cause it. That I cannot change it. AND - most importantly - that I will ultimately be OK.

And you will be ok too. Grief can take a long time. And that is OK! You may cycle through one aspect (eg I see a lot of bargaining in this post.... all of those "what ifs" can be our brain trying to see if we could change things - to bargain for a different outcome, even in the past tense), then move on to another - like anger. And then the next thing you know you are back at something you'd been processing earlier (like back to bargaining). This is normal. Your mind needs to find a way to come to terms and accept what's happened. To accept this new reality. To accept that this man you married is no more.

Hang in there - you've found a wonderful place to share and get support.

Cooley2here posted 7/6/2020 14:30 PM

Idealize, devalue, discard. That is the cycle of a narcissist. I have no idea if that is what he is. You need to accept that you were living with a fake human being. Whatever he is you are the one who stayed. He is the one who strayed. He is not worth another tear.

Sending virtual hugs!

Phoenix1 posted 7/6/2020 15:17 PM

I've also read that it took some of you years to get over this. How did you get through the days in those years? The anniversaries, the holidays? I feel like I"m so depressed and can't imagine going through this for longer. It's so hard and so painful and I am trying my best to get through each day. How long do these things take to get over?

Here's the thing, it is different for everyone, and yes it can take years. It is so hard to see that far out from where you are right now so don't even try. Focus on each day, each hour, and each minute. Baby steps. There are NO short cuts for healing, and it is not linear. That's why it is called a rollercoaster. Some days you will be doing great, and other days you will be back down again. All completely normal.

The key is emotional detachment, and that takes the dreaded "time" requirement. But you have to start somewhere, even if minute by minute. You focus on other things, not on him and what he may or may not be doing with AP. You don't pain shop by looking at his social media. You try to exercise, do new things, resurrect old hobbies. The point being you focus on you and your baby and making the most out of every minute.

When you "move on" from this, can you speak to the WS civilly? Are you able to ever be OKAY from this especially if they are with the AP? I just can't see myself getting past this especially because he left his family for this person and I don't think he deserves me being his friend or even having me be there civilly for him.

Yes, you can be civil. Just remember there is a difference between being civil and friendly. You do not have to be his friend or even forgive him, if you don't want to. You don't owe him any of that. But with regard to either co-parenting (or parallel parenting, if co-parenting doesn't work), you can take the crappy high road of bare civility for the sake of your child. Doesn't mean you engage in chit chat whatsoever. It means you respond to questions with as little as possible, and NO emotion so he has no insight into your life or feelings. It's called gray rocking, and you can look it up.

We've all been where you are. I remember on first Dday I was gutted like a fish. Never saw it coming after 20 years together. I thought I was going to die from a broken heart because I just couldn't believe he did that to me. First Dday was with our oldest DD's BFF's mother, whom we were friends with. Further investigation uncovered an OC from another OW, and that OC was born one month after our youngest DD was born. Yes, we were preggers at the same time. The knowledge explained a lot. Much more info came to light after that, and it just got worse and worse.

In the beginning, I absolutely was where you are. But as I started focusing on our kids and other things, I slowly started to not only emotionally detach, but I also got angry. The anger eventually took over after the last straw was uncovered, and that anger gave me new energy. Boy did I use it! In positive ways.

So give yourself time to grieve the loss of what you thought your marriage was and who your spouse was, but don't let it take over your world. Get angry! For you and your baby! How dare that fucking excuse of a human being do this to you and your baby! Only the lowest POS possible can do that! He doesn't deserve you or that child!!

Then determine to be the best mom possible for that precious wee one so you can teach him/her what treating people with respect really means, how marriage should be, how not to put up with such complete disrespect, all with a smile on your face glowing with love and support for that child.

Just remember, you need to be healthy (emotionally and physically) yourself to be the best mom you can be to your new baby. That baby needs you to focus on your own well-being.

You'll get there, RS. Time will do wondrous things, but it's not just time passing that matters. It is equally important what you DO with that time that plays a big part. Keep focusing on what is important and going to therapy. You'll get through this, you really will.

And we are here for you to walk with you every step of the way. One day those dark clouds will start to part and you really will see sunshine and blue sky again. I promise!

Bookgirl posted 7/7/2020 18:57 PM

All this advice is really worthwhile. Everybody on this site understands the heartache and pain that infidelity causes. Itís the hardest thing to move on from, but you will start to feel better in time. There is a thread in the section called I can relate, which is specifically for people whose partners have left to be with their affair partner. It would definitely be worth having a look. It really helped me to. Sending you lots of support xx

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