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Still working through stuff

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CompletelyAlone posted 7/10/2020 17:01 PM

Gently, unless he sexually assaulted her, your WW was not a victim. There is never a shortage of AP to toss some meaningless compliments around in order to maybe get sex and attention, male or female. There's nothing predatory about that if your WW chose to go along with it. So unless there was any indication of a situation where your WW did not give consent, your thinking will have to shift on this and place the burden of responsibility exactly where it should go - on your WW. OM could have been any chump with a pick up line. It was on your WW to ignore him.


I could be trying to absolve her of guilt, but I do believe she was “groomed” to an extent, with a steady stream of social engagement requests, culminating in getting her number and then proceeding into a constant texting relationship. This, in turn, led to them planning several getaways under the guise of work-related activities. He was always probing, trying to find out her likes and dislikes and adjusting his approach to suit. I’m not saying she was innocent in this, but I do believe there are those who are predisposed to trying to woo married women who they detect might be less than happy in their relationship. I think it was a game for him, especially once he picked up on certain predispositions. Again, it doesn’t absolve her of guilt, but i do think he had a plan... and judging by his wife’s reaction when I contacted her, I think he’s done it before (I might even go so far as to say she might have been ok with his patterns).

The kicker is, we went out as couples many times and I would have never known that this undercurrent existed. I got to know them both. That’s why the sense of betrayal is so very strong, even now.

Anyway, yes, both of us went through IC and later, MC, extensively. Devices and accounts are open now, remorse was expressed, deep dives into the why’s and how’s were done. What remains unresolved is my anger.

Not to toot my own horn, but I have always been an exceptional partner. I cook, I clean, I take care of the house, the cars, the kids - and I work full time too in a professional career where I pull down a very robust salary, I may not have always been the most affectionate, but I took care of her. And when she traveled for work (often during her A, or rather, in support of it), I held down the fort and always made sure the kids and I had a great time despite her absence, while she took full advantage of time to herself. I think that’s one of the major things that bug me, I am the proverbial “unicorn”, and this is what I have to show for it.

Anyway, I know I haven’t responded to a lot of the comments here, but a lot of time has passed since my first few threads and much of the stuff I struggled with then has long since been resolved. What I’m left with today is an undercurrent of sadness, anger and a general sense of injustice. I think that’s more for me to work out than her at this point. I may have to head back to therapy.

Butforthegrace posted 7/10/2020 17:12 PM

I could be trying to absolve her of guilt, but I do believe she was “groomed” to an extent,

"Could be"? Dude. You're bending over backward so far to rug-sweep this you could joint a circus as a contortionist.

Unless he had some sort of Jedi mind control ("These aren't the panties you want to wear when I'm around. This (pointing to his dick) is the droid you're looking for"), I'm pretty sure that your wife made a decision to take off her panties in his presence, then another decision to lay down, then another decision to open her legs, then another decision to let him put his dick in her, etc., culminating in decisions to lie to you about this, and to her kids, and then to sneak around and do it again, repeatedly. In each of those instances, she could have changed her mind and decided instead to do what she promised you she would do, solemnly before God and your families, in your wedding vows.

Thumos posted 7/10/2020 17:24 PM

Four years ago, I guess I just wasn't strong enough to leave. And now that I am, I can't help but think that the time to do anything about it has passed. The timing is particularly bad with the kids coming into their most emotionally vulnerable years. I can't even imagine the devastation to them, especially given everything else going on in the world at the moment.

You’re certainly not alone here in this regard. A lot of us are in the same boat, and I suspect many more that don’t want to say so.

Thumos posted 7/10/2020 17:28 PM

I could be trying to absolve her of guilt, but I do believe she was “groomed” to an extent, with a steady stream of social engagement requests, culminating in getting her number and then proceeding into a constant texting relationship. This, in turn, led to them planning several getaways under the guise of work-related activities. He was always probing, trying to find out her likes and dislikes and adjusting his approach to suit. I’m not saying she was innocent in this, but I do believe there are those who are predisposed to trying to woo married women who they detect might be less than happy in their relationship. I think it was a game for him, especially once he picked up on certain predispositions. Again, it doesn’t absolve her of guilt, but i do think he had a plan... and judging by his wife’s reaction when I contacted her, I think he’s done it before (I might even go so far as to say she might have been ok with his patterns).

Brother this probably describes 99 percent of WW’s. Very common. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking she was some guileless waif wandering in the woods. She didn’t just “go along with it.” She loved it and ate it up and went after it with gusto. Let’s not kid ourselves about any of this. The only way forward in reconciliation is truth. If you’re not getting truth, you’re not in reconciliation. I know what I’m talking about.

My WW tried this same gambit. It’s a load of horseshit to put it mildly. Who cares if he was a smooth talker with some tricks up his sleeve in the texting department and “probing” about her likes and dislikes and grooming her? Really, who cares? How many wives are faced with this test? If they’re reasonably attractive, they have men expressing open interest in them ALL THE TIME and “probing.” It comes with the territory until they hit the wall of menopause and are suddenly faced with the well-known but only whispered about “invisibility” phenomenon. A woman with character would have seen through that. Hell, she DID see through it, okay? And she liked it and lapped it up. She knew exactly what his game was and she wanted to play. Better to come to grips with that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:34 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 7/10/2020 17:37 PM

A woman with character would have seen through that. Hell, she DID see through it, okay? And she liked it and lapped it up. She knew exactly what his game was and she wanted to play. Better to come to grips with that.

Agree with the above. These are choices that were made by your WW every step of the way. Grooming or not she did not back down.

Thumos posted 7/10/2020 17:41 PM

Not to toot my own horn, but I have always been an exceptional partner. I cook, I clean, I take care of the house, the cars, the kids - and I work full time too in a professional career where I pull down a very robust salary, I may not have always been the most affectionate, but I took care of her. And when she traveled for work (often during her A, or rather, in support of it), I held down the fort and always made sure the kids and I had a great time despite her absence, while she took full advantage of time to herself. I think that’s one of the major things that bug me, I am the proverbial “unicorn”, and this is what I have to show for it.

You really shouldn’t be doing this to yourself. It is not healthy. There is literally no justification EVER for infidelity. EVER. So the fact that you were a great husband just makes it worse. That means you’re married to a very entitled person with a narcissistic twist to her, doesn’t it?

Thumos posted 7/10/2020 17:47 PM

Forgot to add that what you’re really telling us with this “predatory” outline is that your WW is such a shallow person with such bad character that she accidentally tripped and fell onto the genitalia of a transparently cheesy con man without much of a second thought. And probably not even close to the quality man you are. This is the SAME thing, incidentally, that most of us have to come to grips with.

Robert22205https posted 7/10/2020 18:39 PM

She blew up your marriage. You have no obligation to stay with her nor is there a time constraint on changing your mind. You have an obligation to yourself (and your children) to live the best version of your life.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/11/2020 00:06 AM

Brother, you are being heard.

I feel very much the same, the thoughts of what she did are never far from my conscious thought, dancing behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes in the quiet to sleep.
Sometimes I liken it to a cancer that needs to be removed to save my life before it consumes me.

I hate feeling like this.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/16/2020 12:50 PM

Stay or go, either choice is the right one as long as that choice heals you. It's been 4 years though. Is where you are now, what you want?

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/16/2020 18:18 PM

In terms of being groomed, this is spot on

Brother this probably describes 99 percent of WW’s. Very common.

I found out later from the person who tipped me off that her AP bragged that he could get married women to do things with him they wouldn’t do for their husbands. And things his own wife wouldn’t do. He was like a business person executing a plan. It didn’t absolve my EX one bit. She had free will and had about a hundred points where she could have shut it down. She didn’t

I’m not totally up to speed with your story. We’re you going on these double dates while the affair was going on? If you were, how do you, or her live with that. I have said here many times, in most affairs the BS is almost a non factor. Collateral damage. The exception is where the AP and the WS manufacture situations where they interact with the BS. That isn’t done for them. It’s done to you to humiliate the BS and heighten the sexual high they get. It’s just my opinion, but any WS that does this is morally bankrupt. The thought of them playing footsie under the table is heinous. I have yet to see a WS explain the mindset that lets this happen.

Lastly, it was great you did all you did on the home front, but that should stop. All it did was enable her. I’m not saying that you should stop everything, but let her do her own laundry and not be her personal servant. That didn’t work out so well.

ramius posted 7/16/2020 22:27 PM

Not to toot my own horn, but I have always been an exceptional partner. I cook, I clean, I take care of the house, the cars, the kids - and I work full time too in a professional career where I pull down a very robust salary, I may not have always been the most affectionate, but I took care of her. And when she traveled for work (often during her A, or rather, in support of it), I held down the fort and always made sure the kids and I had a great time despite her absence, while she took full advantage of time to herself. I think that’s one of the major things that bug me, I am the proverbial “unicorn”, and this is what I have to show for it.

So what does she do?

FYI being the nice guy, the solid guy, doing the chores, and providing.....earns you ZERO credit with a cheater. It just doesn't matter.

If you haven't yet, maybe read No More Mister Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover

ramius posted 7/16/2020 22:30 PM

Just saw this part....

The kicker is, we went out as couples many times and I would have never known that this undercurrent existed. I got to know them both. That’s why the sense of betrayal is so very strong, even now.

That is sick. WWTL sums it up the best, listen to him....

If you were, how do you, or her live with that. I have said here many times, in most affairs the BS is almost a non factor. Collateral damage. The exception is where the AP and the WS manufacture situations where they interact with the BS. That isn’t done for them. It’s done to you to humiliate the BS and heighten the sexual high they get. It’s just my opinion, but any WS that does this is morally bankrupt. The thought of them playing footsie under the table is heinous. I have yet to see a WS explain the mindset that lets this happen.

Stevesn posted 7/17/2020 06:00 AM

CompletelyAlone

You still there?

Can I ask, does she still work with the AP? Is he still in your lives because of that?

What ramifications do you believe she has felt due to her affair? Can you name some?

Lastly, have you expressed to her what you told us you are feeling? If so, what was her reaction? If not, let’s discuss the possibility of you telling her.

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