SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A question to those of you who were abandoned by their WSs/WP. How long did it take them to realise that leaving you was a mistake and they tried to reconcile with you (regardless whether in the end you decided to reconcile with them or not)?

My 1st H left me after I caught him for the 2nd time with another adultery co-conspirator. Their lurve affair lasted about 2 weeks . Although we never lived together again after he left...he would keep trying to come back...until he found a new "shiny".

Sadly...I was doing the "pick me dance" all that time. When I did that STUPID dance the first time...he came back to me. So...in MY head...it was working. It wasn't until I became serious with the man who became my 2nd H that I was able to STOP that STUPID dance that NEVER works.

Of course...after I did that...my 1st H decided I was THE ONE . I told him once that if he tried HALF as hard as working ON our M as he did trying to get me back...we would have still been married!!

My 2nd H never left. He had his A while working overseas and felt so much guilt when he came back that he confessed. He started his confession with the usual "I love you like I have never loved anyone else...but I don't think I am in love with you anymore" . My immediate reaction after his confession was to tell him the M was OVER. NO emotion at all...just a matter of fact statement. That "pick me dance" was no longer a part of my character .

He said that as soon as I left the room his heart sank. He knew in that instant that he was indeed still IN LOVE with me...and that the BEST thing that ever happened to him just said she was GONE .

I have often wondered if I had NOT done the "pick me dance"...would my 1st H and I still be married. Then again...my 1st H...who is remarried...relayed to my sister a few years back how he still wished I would take him back . He will always want what he doesn't have . I don't regret at all divorcing my 1st H...OR reconciling with my 2nd H .

2 years and counting and still nothing. I'm thinking I'm in the "never" group.

Took mine 3 months-

but in the months since then I have discovered it is false R and the TT information is worse than my worst nightmares.

He lied throught his teeth to lead me into false R and return home, because the OW didnt leave her BS for him as had been planned. His 3 month 'mid life crisis fling' had been going on for 2 years, all planned out with her,to just leave me,so they could move in together.

oh yeah, and he had been planning to leave me for the last 5 years and had been waiting and looking for suitable OW. Til he found her, he just stayed because it was 'easier'.

POS!

Be careful of their motives.

I really hope yours is genuine- some seem that way when you read the positive reconciliation threads.

I really hope yours is genuine- some seem that way when you read the positive reconciliation threads.

I don't really expect my WSO to genuinely try to reconcile (I think she burnt one bridge too many), but a part of me wants one day to hear/read "I was wrong to leave you". I know many will say that I give way too much headspace to my unfaithful ex-partner, but I'd like to think that this little sliver of validation could at least help me regain some of my shattered self-esteem.

Ws came back after a few weeks, but was a jerk and said I was lazy and needed to change. (Is just had a baby and he was upset the house wasn’t clean and dinner wasn’t made)

I busted my ass the month he was home cooking every night. I’m talking garlic shrimp with pasta, chicken cordon bleu, stuff that I never cook I tired hard to keep the house clean but I had a newborn and a preschooler so that was tough.

He left after a month of that, and was gone 13 months. When he came back after that 13 months, he was very remorseful and I didn’t take him back for another 2 years .

Never, hers was intended to be an exit affair.

I'd like to think that this little sliver of validation could at least help me regain some of my shattered self-esteem.

Sure it could help. So could a lobotomy. Why not focus on YOU regaining your own self esteem?

How long did it take them to realise that leaving you was a mistake and they tried to reconcile with you (regardless whether in the end you decided to reconcile with them or not)?

Usually it is the minute that you are literally done, no interest whatsoever, don't even want to converse with them ever again. Once your heart is healed and you laugh when you think of them, then they sometimes sniff around again as a challenge, testing their power for the ego kibbles. The smart abandoned partners just keep laughing in these losers' faces.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:20 PM, July 9th (Thursday)]

Don't hold your breathe.

My first husband showed back up 8 days after he left. I, too, launched into a pick me dance and he left again about a week later. I took him back twice more. The last time, I had finally found my backbone, and met him at the door (it was 3 a.m.) and told him I was his WIFE and he would not treat me like his whore. He got angry and told me he would go in the morning, which, of course, was supposed to set me to groveling and begging him to stay. I walked to the closet, grabbed an armful of his clothes and started chunking his stuff out into the yard. Coldly informed him it WAS morning, and kept throwing stuff out. He grabbed his stuff as fast as he could, and drove away. Called me later that day, apologized and asked if he could PLEASE come home. I said no. He slowly faded out of my children's lives, after trying one more time to get me to take him back. We did not see him again for years....

If my WW had decided to leave, the door would have closed so tight behind her that I would never give a shit if she regretted it.

I'm in the 4-1/2 years and counting, or "never" group. My xWW married her POSOM. They live in a rainbow forest and ride on unicorns.

a part of me wants one day to hear/read "I was wrong to leave you". I know many will say that I give way too much headspace to my unfaithful ex-partner, but I'd like to think that this little sliver of validation could at least help me regain some of my shattered self-esteem.

Me too. I hope this yearning is just part of the healing process and I will eventually get past it, because I am very unlikely to ever get this validation. Even if my xWH realized he chose the wrong path, he does not admit his mistakes EVER.

I don’t know anybody that decided to reconcile. They left because they wanted out of the marriages. The problem was they shouldn’t have married in the first place. The people they left behind are good and decent people. They are just wrong for each other as spouses. I agree that you should not hold your breath. It is not so much that the grass is greener over there, it’s just that it’s different grass. You would be much better off moving on and letting their lives fade away. You have only so much time on this earth don’t spend another minute of it waiting for them.

I wish people did not cheat their way out of marriages. How much kinder it would be to just explain that they were not going to stay married and then make a good plan and leave. People will still be hurt but they won’t feel that they are second best.

I think what most betrayed spouses hate is that they got conned. Nobody likes a con job. Nobody likes a con man. The whole problem is that being lied to is a con job.

If my WW had decided to leave, the door would have closed so tight behind her that I would never give a shit if she regretted it.

I'm the same exact way. Although he might as well have just left instead he carried on with his A for another 2 years under my nose. My STBX is like an STD you can't get rid of

Less than a year. He told me he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I told he wouldn't live long enough.

I think she had a slight realization after the AP dumped her the first time, 6 weeks after Dday. But no mention to me. Just hateful vile bullshit, that to me now, resembled she knew she fucked up. It's clear now. But no word. She knows, deep down in her empty soul, at the very bottom, she knows.

But I'll just say, I'm in the never column. I'm still the big bad boogeyman that hurts my kids and was terrible as a husband. My God, I'm the biggest jackass that ever lived 🤣

Honestly, it all depends on the WS. How in depth are they with themselves. Some come around immediately, some later and some never.

It's been 8-10 years since my EXWH started his affair with OW2 (depending on who you belive), & 4 years since our D was final.

He still lives with OW2 & has never once tried to say 'sorry', let alone come back, sooo...

JEHURETIRED I am going through something very similar except its the kids mother who cheated then slowly faded out of their lives. What has been your thinking process with regards to maintenance and arranging custody or have you just done nothing and left things be?