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How long before the WS realised leaving you was a mistake?

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Phoenix1 posted 7/11/2020 13:43 PM

I'd like to think that this little sliver of validation could at least help me regain some of my shattered self-esteem.

Valid feeling, but beware a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Xhole tried to worm his way back into my life after he and last OW broke up. He even moved some 4,000 miles back to my state and set up home five minutes from my house.

The reality? It wasn't "me" he wanted. It was the sham marriage we had that he wanted - a wife to keep up the house, cook, do all the heavy lifting, giving him security and a facade of respectability - so he could go back to having his cake and eating it too in the form of frosting covered side pieces.

As validating as it may feel, if it is based on a lie it amounts to diddly squat emotionally.

Just another perspective. Keep your eyes and brain open to watch for manipulation.

Jehuretired posted 7/11/2020 18:49 PM

Sorry Dadchats, I just saw this. This was my first husband, many years ago. I had total custody of my girls. It was not hard then, because he left no forwarding address and there was nowhere to serve papers. He could have taken it to court and contested it, if he had ever shown up, but by the time he did, the girls were too old to want to see him and they were allowed to say. He was trying to avoid paying child support, which was why there was no address, and I never filed for any child support because they would have aggressively searched for him and I did not really want him found. I personally believe that when you have to beg someone to visit and support their children, they have no real interest in their children at all, but alot of times they have an interest in "their" money. So I left him alone.

My second husband also had 2 children who's mother disappeared as well. She had visitation rights that she would try to enforce when it suited her. She would not keep visits for months and then suddenly pop up and expect everything to stop because she was in town. She got angry one day at the kids, moved away and did not contact them at all for 12 years.

I personally thought my way was easier to deal with--he had no rights until he took me to court, which he never did...

99problems posted 7/12/2020 18:28 PM

Sure it could help. So could a lobotomy. Why not focus on YOU regaining your own self esteem?

Know a doctor who has a deal on this? I'm interested... (Edit: the quote function, how do you make it work lol)

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 6:30 PM, July 12th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Chili posted 7/12/2020 19:04 PM

I'd like to think that this little sliver of validation could at least help me regain some of my shattered self-esteem.

I hear you. I think all the betrayeds here have longed for this. Lots of folks IRL used to tell me that he would show up one day hanging his head and beg to come back. I sort of hoped he would too. If only to slam the door in his face. For a while I actually imagined he might send a letter or something. Sigh.

And he did come sniffing around months later from a new phone number. I think he was probably trying to see if I still thought he was an asshole. (I did.) So even if he was leading up to giving me the "right words," I never let him get past my threshold to utter them. I instead blocked his number. I wasn't buying what he was selling by that point. <---- full disclosure: my heart probably still was a little bit, but I knew I just *shouldn't* for my own well-being.

It took me a long while to get there, but here's a few things I used to say to myself when I would ruminate on this issue:

1. Would it really change anything for me? Would I make a different decision now just because he said certain things?
2. Is it my pride talking? Why would I need validation about my worth from someone else - especially a piece of shit?
3. What good do these words do me now when I really really could have used something like that back when I was sitting there in a sobbing ball of snot and pain right in front of him?
4. Mine did say at one point: "I fucked up the best thing I ever had." Notice how many times he mentioned Chili in that sentence.
5. Any "mistake" would be about himself and feeling sorry for himself and why did he do that to himself. Sucks to be you I guess? How would that help me?
6. How would his shame soothe me? Let's just hypothetically say I bump into my assclown tomorrow and he says some of those words all these years later. And instead of actually laughing at him, I just listened. Then what? I wonder if I would just look at him and think how sad it is to see someone whose life path has been one of such destruction.
7. Once you lose respect for someone, most of what they say just doesn't feel genuine any longer. It's really pretty empty.

Just my ramblings - wanted you to know you're absolutely not alone on this topic.

The1stWife posted 7/13/2020 05:33 AM

I had a number of BFs dump me and then later tried to get back together. No second chance or opportunity. I figured it would happen again anyway.

My H never left but it took me months to really commit to R due to his affair and subsequent events. But he realized there is no room for error.


We are lucky he “got it”.

StillLivin posted 7/13/2020 18:46 PM

This is dangerous thinking for some situations. My ex, and many remorseless asswholes, aren't sorry and don't miss US . They're sorry that their actions had consequence and they miss what they had with us, but not US! KWIM. If their fantasy had played out, the AP would do all the things for them that we did, and in a newer model. But, sadly for them, they usually affair down and are so wrapped up in their fantasy, that by the time they see what they traded us in for, it's too late.
To answer your question, xhole was sniffing around and putting out feelers within a year after I helped him pack his shit and changed the locks. I shut that shit down hard and his feelings got hurt.
About another year later, he actually skipped the feelers and outright asked me to move overseas with him. I laughed and hung up.
At no point did he really apologize to what he did to me. He apologized that I got hurt, as if it just happened, but he never owned his actions. When he was trying to tell me what he missed about me, it was really what I did for him and made his life easier.
We were married for 8 years, together for more than 10. I could tell you his favorite foods, dessert, drinks, how he took his coffee, his favorite cake or pie. I could tell you every scar and how he got it. If you asked him how I made my tea, or what my favorite ice cream is, he would guess wrong even if he had several chances.
I wouldn't even go down this rabbit hole. It's a waste of mental real estate.
ETA: this applies only to the remorseless cheaters.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 6:48 PM, July 13th (Monday)]

suckstobeme posted 7/14/2020 01:04 AM

It’s been 10 years and I’ve never gotten so much as a half assed apology so I’m pretty sure exWh sharing a wave of regret with me will never happen. Even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. If ever there was a situation of too little, too late, this is it. As one poster said, where were the words of love and regret when I was stuck in the fetal position crying my eyes out? Where was the regret when I had to take my 7 year old DS to counseling and my three year old DD couldn’t understand why daddy couldn’t stay home with us. If he couldn’t muster up the feelings for me or our kids then, he’s never going to do it. He’s danced around things over the years, but the best me and kids have ever gotten was “I’ve made big mistakes”. Exactly what mistakes those are have never been articulated.

I get exactly what you’re saying and I hoped for that validation for a long time too. Believe me. But, the further out you get and the more you see him for who he is, the less meaning any of those types of statements will be. At this point, who gives a shit how he feels or what he thinks? Go ahead and have regrets. It doesn’t change the pain that he caused and it will never change the fact that he chose to demolish his family. It wasn’t an accident. It was a choice and grown ups with feelings and empathy understand that some choices have life long effects. If my drink at Starbucks sucks today, I can chose to order something else tomorrow and life will go on. Not so when you choose to fuck around, break the vows, and leave your family to fend for themselves because something more shiny and new crossed your path. Your sense of self worth should never come from a POS who chooses to do that.

babypuke posted 7/14/2020 03:18 AM

Of the 5 cheating ex GFs that I have only one still reaches out to me and tries to reconcile once in a while.

Her reason is that she wants to become a mother but she finds that the men she is currently dating, the types who she cheated on me with and who she continued to see after Dday because "I had no right to limit her freedom and autonomy", are unwilling or financially unable to have a child with her. This ex literally said a few weeks ago: "My current BF is relatively poor and he simply does not have the salary that you have", she mentally keeps track of my earnings and makes mental shopping lists!

While she asks for it over the phone I never agree to meet her in person, I stay away from her as far as possible because she has mental issues (BPD) and while in a relationship with her I have seen her freak out and do things that were unsafe and dangerous to me and her. Frankly, I am always happy to hear from her, because then I know that she at least is still alive.

The other cheating ex GFs?, they never reached out to me to apologize and reconcile, for different reasons. One enjoyed her AP until it blew up, another made herself believe that it was better that we had broken up because of our different moral values (I did not approve of her sexual attention seeking from other men), another one did not acknowledge her emotional cheating with her ex, etc.

Strength all!

Dyokemm posted 7/14/2020 03:48 AM

I think a MUCH more important question is this:

How long does it take before the BS wakes up and questions why in the hell they are pining away for, and desperately trying to keep, a WS who could crap all over theIr spouse and the lives they have built together?

A WS is definitely NOT a catch as far as partnership goes.....

Yet in the emotional devastation of discovery, many BS find themselves further humiliating themselves with begging, pleading, and ‘love bombing’ the very person who has stabbed them in the back.

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