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Supporting your child financially

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Katz13 posted 7/20/2020 20:10 PM

STBXH is angry about the amount of child support the online calculator determined. He said he will delay divorce paperwork so that he doesn't have to pay the child support. I was trying to do uncontested to make it quicker. I guess child support isn't back dated? He also said he wouldn't pay for any extraneous mandated child support (extra curricular activities, school trips) nor college.
He said if I told our teenage son about this, I would get in trouble with the courts?!?
I'm sure he isn't going to skimp on buying himself all kinds of extras.
Is he right?

This0is0Fine posted 7/20/2020 20:22 PM

Sounds like uncontested is going out the window really fast...

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/20/2020 20:41 PM

At least in my state CS is owed to a child attending school until they are 21. Sounds like you as a minimum need to look up the relevant statutes.

DigitalSpyder posted 7/20/2020 21:03 PM

Honestly, does this even sound like it will be uncontested?

If he is going to delay, file for temp support. Depending on you state it may be back dated, but likely only until the date you file something. So file now.

Phoenix1 posted 7/20/2020 21:03 PM

File for divorce, have him served, and request temporary orders that includes CS. He will then have a specific period to respond to the court. If he doesn't because he thinks he has an option to delay, you can file for a default judgment.

He doesn't get to choose not to support his child and any state mandated expenses. That's not an option which he will find out.

However, none of this will happen without action on your part. If you don't do anything, then no, he doesn't have to do squat because he is under no court order to do so. In that case, he certainly could milk it until the child emancipates.

Where it goes is up to you, but with the attitude he is showing, you can forget uncontested. His interpretation of that likely means do everything his way and in his favor and he'll cooperate. Meanwhile, you get screwed over. Don't let him do that to you. Lawyer up!

Stinger posted 7/20/2020 22:43 PM

Have your lawyer handle this. I paid 32,000 a year for 15 years. And, I was not the one who cheated. Pretty sure at least one child, who I love dearly, has a different biological father.

Sucks to get cheated, lose some access to your children, and pay support that you know is not all being used for the kids. Great system for betrayed dads, eh?

JanaGreen posted 7/21/2020 00:16 AM

Wow, what an absolute unwashed anus he is. Yeah I don't think uncontested is going to work, I'm sorry. Unless he's the type to blow hard and then calm down and see reason - but honestly thats a long shot. I'm sorry.

JanaGreen posted 7/21/2020 00:23 AM

Great system for betrayed dads, eh?

I'm sorry this happened to you, but if the betrayed mom is the higher earner she'd pay in an equal custody situation - if my ex and I had gone through our first divorce effort, I would have been paying as I was the higher earner at that time and I would have lost half my time with my daughter. We "reconciled" and had another baby, his business took off, he left me, and I declined to take him back again. Now he pays but if we had divorced the first time I would have paid.

Not trying to be argumentative but I was told by my lawyer that I would not be successful on fighting 50/50 custody even though I was the primary caretaker and ex made less than stellar choices (ie, texting me pre-divorce telling he couldn't come pick up the kids at our agreed upon time because he "accidentally" got too drunk ). Sucks all around.

Gablestitch posted 7/21/2020 08:56 AM

In my state, child support and custody are separate from divorce. Child support is factored from the time you file a case. So in my case, I filed right before courts were shut down for all but emergencies for a major renovations. It didn't see a worker for almost 2 months and then another 3 weeks for a judge because mine also didn't like the amount. However, the amount he owed began accumulating from the date I filed.

That's the key, you have to file. Custody and support are also separate issues. In my case, we already had a court signed custody order that was very favorable to me as he didn't have a lawyer and assumed all kinds of things. During the custody negotiations, I didn't even whisper the word support. I filed for support later when it was obvious he wasn't going to willingly support his children.

Now he's a deadbeat with no job and never sees his kids but that's an entirely different subject.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/21/2020 09:36 AM

Yeah, my xh told me he would “not pay child support, he was going to file for every other week custody, I was going to have to move out bc I only had a part time job, and he was going to fight me with everything he had”. My atty said,”mmm, OK, but I know every judge at the courthouse and how every one of them decide cases. Your stbxh is delusional.”

So, secretly see a couple of attys in your city.

barcher144 posted 7/21/2020 09:39 AM

I hate to say this, but get yourself a good lawyer, put on your seat belt, and make sure the air bags work. You are about to go on a wild, wild ride. I'm sorry.

And, as someone who is on his third divorce lawyer, I cannot strongly recommend enough that you get references (multiple) and ask a lot of questions before retaining someone specific.

STBXH is angry about the amount of child support the online calculator determined. He said he will delay divorce paperwork so that he doesn't have to pay the child support.

Sucks to be him. Again, get a good lawyer. In my experience, narcissistic assholes think they are the first person to try games like this. It's rare that they are... and there are usually laws in place to prevent their bullshit activities.

I was trying to do uncontested to make it quicker.

I thought so too. STBXW and I separated almost two years ago. My divorce is not finished and thanks to COVID... there is no end in sight.

Again, lawyer up... big time.

I guess child support isn't back dated? He also said he wouldn't pay for any extraneous mandated child support (extra curricular activities, school trips) nor college.

To be honest, this is almost certainly where none of us can help you. You really need a lawyer to sort through these issues because they vary from state to state.

In my state, I don't have to pay for extraneous things like extracurricular activities, school activities, etc., because they are part of my child support payment. That doesn't stop STBXW from complaining that she has to pay for everything, conveniently forgetting that I pay her a lot of money each month for everything.

In my state, kids emancipate once they turn 18 and they graduate from high school. I have no obligation to pay for college (nor does STBXW), although I am still their dad.

ALSO, in my state, you can take your Ex to court for a preliminary hearing if he refuses to pay for child support (or similar) before the divorce is final. My STBXW did this, even though I was already paying my share (and she WON -- again, get a GOOD lawyer).

He said if I told our teenage son about this, I would get in trouble with the courts?!?

First, do not EVER take legal advice from your ex or from his attorney. Take legal advice EXCLUSIVELY from YOUR ATTORNEY.

Second, if you are in the middle of a custody battle, this could (theoretically) harm your case. It's parental alienation, although a fairly light example in my opinion.

My custody agreement forbids me from saying anything bad about STBXW... and she is forbidden from saying anything bad about me. That said, STBXW said a whole bunch of bad stuff about me to the kids before the custody evaluation (a lot of it was, to me, obviously parental alienation) and the evaluator still recommended majority custody to her. The evaluator excused STBXW's behavior by saying "STBXW just made a handful of poor decisions."

My advice to you is to keep your kid out of it as much as you can. Learn to bite your tongue. It won't be easy.

This weekend, for example, I told my kids that STBXW is financially responsible for their cell phones and she has included their phone service on her list of expenses to the judge twice. Yet, because they are on my cell phone plan, I am still paying for it and STBXW refuses to reimburse me for it.... so, when their plan expires... I will be kicking them off of my plan and their mother will have to cover it. It wasn't the nicest thing to say, but it was 100% honest and there is little enforcement of the parenting plan these days.

Threadjack comment/response:

Pretty sure at least one child, who I love dearly, has a different biological father.

I am in a similar position. I have three children with STBXW but I am only 100% certain that I am the biological father of the first one. I could get them tested, but I don't care about their biology (i.e., I changed their diapers at 3am, they're mine) so I haven't done it. My lawyer advised against testing because if they were not mine, then I could eventually lose them completely.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 9:44 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

EvenKeel posted 7/21/2020 09:41 AM

Is he right?
No.

He is bullying you and counting on you believing him.

Don't discuss it with him. Go get an attorney and get educated on your rights in your state. File for your CS.

In my state, the state online calculator amount is the MINIMUM you will get (UNLESS YOU AGREE OTHERWISE...and don't you dare do that). The share of medical co-pays the court did by income percentages). We split extra curriculars, etc.

As for college, it depends where you are. In my state, he only had to pay until they were 18 or graduated HS (whichever was latter).

Once that date hit - he never paid a cent more....EVER.

My ex thought the amount he had to pay was 'too much' as well. My children had no clue what an azz their own father was about all this stuff. I did not share the divorce financials with them. They had enough to deal with.

File for what you child deserves. Your ex's tactics will probably get worse so find out what you are entitled to.

Hugs.

JanaGreen posted 7/21/2020 09:53 AM

My lawyer advised against testing because if they were not mine, then I could eventually lose them completely.

I saw this happen to a family member whose ex lied to him - they had a ONS and she turned up pregnant - told him he was the "only possible" father and he MARRIED her. Raised her as his own for years - after they split he tested the girl and fpund out the truth. That's when he found out he was only 1 of 3 candidates and she eventually stripped him of any rights. It's a terrible terrible thing. I'm sure he wishes he had never opened that test.

barcher144 posted 7/21/2020 11:50 AM

I saw this happen to a family member whose ex lied to him - they had a ONS and she turned up pregnant - told him he was the "only possible" father and he MARRIED her. Raised her as his own for years - after they split he tested the girl and fpund out the truth. That's when he found out he was only 1 of 3 candidates and she eventually stripped him of any rights. It's a terrible terrible thing. I'm sure he wishes he had never opened that test.

Do you know my brother-in-law? This is what happened to him... although there is a happy ending to his story.

The mother of the child was such a narcissist that she agreed to allow my BIL to legally adopt the child (after the paternity test)... which then led to him getting more and more custody (because the mother couldn't be bothered to be a mother). She's an adult now and I don't think that she talks to her mother at all. She's very happy and she is just another part of my sister's family now (biology be damned).

JanaGreen posted 7/21/2020 12:06 PM

I wish - we haven't seen the little girl in years now. After sleepovers at my house and my daughter being thrilled to have a cousin (by marriage but we don't care about that either) close to her own age. It's so tragic and I think about her a lot.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/21/2020 12:08 PM

What Phoenix said is the right approach.

You need to take action, and get off the FEAR train. Your ex is not going to just change, like you said. Why do you think he'll just cooperate on an uncontested D?

Action is what is needed now. You need to take the bull by the horns and get your child and yourself out, and the support you need. Its not up to him, its up to the courts. And the courts say otherwise.

Snapdragon posted 7/21/2020 18:03 PM

Unless he is an family attorney then any time he tells you that you will "get in trouble" with the courts then you can tell him to produce his law degree and bar exam.

That being said, let me tell you a story. I turned 18 in December of my senior year of high school. My parents' divorce decree stated that my father would pay CS until 18 or high school graduation, which ever is later. As soon as I turned 18 my father stopped paying. I found out (I don't remember how) and it really hurt me badly. It wasn't about the money for him. He was very well off. But, it hit my self-esteem and sense of worth. I felt like he simply didn't care. I should note that he had moved 1500 miles away with his wifetress and had abandoned me in every other way. This was the last area of him actually being my father. I wish I never found out. I'm 55 yrs old and he died 30 yrs ago. I still have an ember of resentment (and I'm not a grudge holder!).

Be careful.


Planetx posted 7/21/2020 19:42 PM

I agree with other posters, a lot depends on your state. In my state, my lawyer wrote into the agreement that child support started from the date I filed. You can file for temporary orders. I did not, and it worked in my favor because WXH would not have paid the payments. He does not work a job where the state can garnish his wages. We took almost a year to come to an agreement and by that time the child support that he owed was in the thousands, and I used that amount to leverage more on the house and keeping my 401K.

My lawyer also wrote into the agreement that he would pay half of extra curricular activities and sports. if your divorce ends up being contested in the end, then your lawyer will ask for it and a judge will decide if it's fair.

I would not tell the kids he's not paying. I don't tell my kids their dad won't pay support because I don't want to hurt them. If we can't afford it, I'm just honest that it costs too much.

Your STBXH can say whatever he wants. My XWH was really full of himself and thought he was smarter than my lawyer, which totally worked in my favor because I got full legal custody, the house for a steal, and a chunk of his portion of the house's equity due to all the money he never payed me during our separation. Go see some lawyers, leave it to the experts and stop letting him make you second guess what your kids deserve! Having a lawyer was a godsend for me, because he would threaten me or try to scare me but I just left it in her hands.

barcher144 posted 7/21/2020 22:38 PM

I find all of these discussions about men who refuse to pay child support very disconcerting.

My STBXW has tried to convince my kids that I am trying to avoid financially supporting them. The fact is... I don't want to financially support her. I have never argued about child support, just alimony.

Pretty much everything that I can afford goes to my kids anyway. I am trying to free up some cash (and perhaps getting there) so that I can do more things with my kids (like ski trips, etc). Paying child support never bothered me for a nanosecond.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/22/2020 09:48 AM

What Phoenix said! He has no say over what he gets to pay if you’re simply asking for guidelines! My Wh was very upset about how much cs he had to pay when we went through a divorce (later reconciling).

It should be from the date you apply for c/s (it was in my state). My judge said since I left and lived with family I didn’t get the back owed c/s.... yeah, great judge right?)

But from the day we had a pendente lite case Wh had to pay. And it made him and ow so mad!

And no!!! You can’t get into trouble with the courts for telling your kid dad isn’t paying for college. Hell, what does he expect you to do???? Say, dad is paying his share but i don’t want to pony up the rest? I used what dad gave me for your college to buy magic beans? I mean, the kid is 18 and will know someone’s dropping the ball. Tell him now to avoid a big disappointment when he’s a senior. Or so that he knows he has to get scholarships and aid.

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