Gottagetthrough posted 7/22/2020 11:32 AM

At first I thought I’d wasted 10 years to reconcile with my Wh

Then I realized
1- it was only 8 years
2- we did things as a family with the kids, so I hope they have some happy memories of childhood
3- I had baby 3
4- I was able to stay at home and homeschool for several years, which was a huge blessing in so many different ways

But there are memories that will always be marred by my Wh and his ow. Ow threw my baby shower for baby 3, and it’s hard to look at those pictures. Pictures of all the people I love in one place at one time!

I found out that Wh told ow he loved her the morning of baby’s baptism. The pictures from that are so grim.

Family outings that were so fun, with ow and her family, memories and photos ruined.

How do you unpack that? They were fun times!!! But now they are things that hurt to remember.

99problems posted 7/22/2020 12:57 PM

I am having similar problems. everything was fake, nothing was real. All of my happy memories are tainted.

tushnurse posted 7/22/2020 13:33 PM

"Box" them up and put it away while you work on healing yourself for a few years. Then when you have healed and recovered unbox them, and decide what you want to do w/ them at that point.
Also the baby is young enough you can choose to rebaptize w/ the family you are now with and w/o your WS or his OW there. Replace the bad memory and photos w/ a happy one and awesome photos.... Just my 2 cents.

crazyblindsided posted 7/22/2020 14:47 PM

I hate going back through my memories as it feels fraudulent. The times raising my kids are some of the best times of my life, thank god this doesn't include STBXWS because he was barely there for any of it. He was never fully invested in US the way I was. I practically raised my kids on my own. He was always busy doing who knows.

gmc94 posted 7/22/2020 15:23 PM

With the exception of a couple of years in the beginning (and even that I'm not sure about, as my WH hasn't taken a poly), there are no memories of my M that aren't tainted. I'm super happy that I did a fair amount of travel with the kids when WH wasn't there. But that's about it. WH was involved in everything else. Graduations. Birthdays. All of it.

WH cannot wrap his head around it. Recently the memory thing came up. I asked him to think of a particularly good memory of us. He thought of one & told me (it was from when we were dating, on a weekend getaway where we got stuck in a thunderstorm). I then said: Now picture your girlfriend there too. He still didn't understand. So I said it's not "her", but the thought of her and what she represents - secrecy and lies and the PA that overshadows all of it. He still doesn't understand. I gotta admit, the man gets an "A" in compartmentalization.

I honestly don't think that will ever go away..... but I sure hope I'm wrong.

Now, I'd rather focus on some new memories. Stuff I've done w/o him, like 2 yrs ago I flew to my son's place to get his car and his dog and drive back to my house. It was an awesome trip (I just LOVE that dog). Sure, it was during a period of immense pain (and before WH's suicide attempt). But for post dday solo adventures, the hurt is in the background. I assume it's bc at least I knew my M and my WH were frauds?

Gottagetthrough posted 7/22/2020 16:38 PM

First- Um, how did SIFTING get auto corrected to Signing

SIFTING through memories!!

Second- this thread has immediately made me feel better as Wh doesn’t do much with me and the kids. I’d say 80% of the time it’s just me and the kids. Our best vacation ever, Wh took off work, hot the dog kenneled and we were going to a sports match our kid was in. It was held at a big hotel with a Waterpark and restaurants etc etc. Huge complex. Arcades, escape room...

We were going to drive the 4 hours, see our kid’s match, then enjoy a weekend away. Wh “couldn’t go” at the last moment because of his bipolar (he needed me time or some bs)

Well, there was a huge snow storm and we played in the snow, swam in the pool, played in the arcade, and went to the water park and escape room. I got stuck in the snow and just at the moment I was about to start saying, “I wish Wh was here to help!” a parent I knew drove up right behind me (there were 1500 kids competing. And many stayed at different hotels.... so to meet one I knew at just the right time was fortunate!). The dad said I can get you out (I was iced in... had been working on the car for a few hours)

He was more aggressive than I would have been and got my car unstuck!

If he HADNT come by I had an alternate plan as well... so I would have been ok just by myself.)

I have a hundred family memories like this. The baptism, the shower... yeah those suck. But by and far my husband is absent from most of my memories the past 15 years.

LadyG posted 7/23/2020 23:08 PM

I did the sifting and I realised that as my STBXWH is a narcissist, that all our good friends, slowly dropped us by the time my 3rd baby was 1 year old. We’d been married 12 years.

It was just family after that and with my older sister and brother both going through 2 Divorces each, the pressure was on me to keep my family together. In fact my parents asked me if I could be the Normal one. My younger sister never married.

I am glad that I gave my children a stable home and took care and interest in their schooling and was always a calm, loving and caring mum. I hid the abuse from my children but in that time I raised them to never ever tolerate any abuse or disrespect from anyone, especially in their relationships.

Phoenix1 posted 7/24/2020 00:19 AM

First- Um, how did SIFTING get auto corrected to Signing

SIFTING through memories!!

Fixed it for you.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/24/2020 11:10 AM

Fixed it for you.

Thank you Phoenix!