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Im unfortunately back

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bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 04:22 AM

I've never posted in this forum. We are 10 years out from our Dday and subsequent reconciliation. I thought we had made it. I thought this was part of our story, but that it didn't break us.
But he's moving out Wednesday. He's moving out, after 25 years of together. 21 years of marriage. Now I'm here to figure out how to be seperated from a man I love, adore and want to be with. So many mistakes have been made, so many resentments built up. I think we are hanging on by a thread, Probably delaying the inevitable. Sad, confused and hopeless.
Do seperated couples ever find their way back?

The1stWife posted 8/10/2020 05:16 AM

Yes some do. Some even remarry after D.

Is it his idea to end this? Or is it mutual?

SlapNutsABingo posted 8/10/2020 10:04 AM

If I may ask, how long have your children been out of the Nest.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 10:10 AM, August 10th (Monday)]

BentandBroken posted 8/10/2020 10:08 AM


I'm here to figure out how to be seperated from a man I love, adore and want to be with.

Me too. Except he is not that man, is he? We still adore the men we had built up in our heads. Not the ones that are leaving us heartbroken.

Please share more of your story when you can. I am so sorry you are here.

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 12:58 PM

Is it his idea to end this? Or is it mutual?

It was mutual agreement to seperate. He's been living upstairs and me downstairs since march. We've gone to therapy a couple of times, but the things hes communicating to me, make me think there's nothing to even work on. It's over. So I asked for a more formal seperation and he agreed saying he doesn't want to hold me hostage anymore, facing his presence but rejection everyday.

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 13:02 PM

Please share more of your story when you can. I am so sorry you are here.

I will, I will have time later tonight to outline a summary of the last 10 years.

This place helped me so much ten years ago, I'm hoping for guidance once again.

Thumos posted 8/10/2020 13:59 PM

Me too. Except he is not that man, is he? We still adore the men we had built up in our heads. Not the ones that are leaving us heartbroken.

Unless Iím reading it wrong the husband in this case is a betrayed husband who has decided the infidelity was a deal breaker for him, meaning he probably is very much the man the WW thought he was all along - someone faithful who lives by his values.

waitedwaytoolong posted 8/10/2020 14:27 PM

This sounds very close to my story. Wife had a short, but brutal affair.

We stayed together for 5 years but it never felt right to me. My gut on DDay was to GTFO, but I wanted to keep my family intact. I stayed, but kind of went through the motions. Sex was different as I couldnít get what they did out of my head. I had no compelling feeling that I wanted to spend time with her. Basically our marriage was a shell of what it was. At least from my perspective. Not that there were not plenty of good times too, but they were not enough to overcome the flatness I felt most of the time

She knew things were not great, but her perspective was it was good enough, and if more time passed she was convinced it could be great again. She did everything she could, super remorseful, and started to plan a 30th anniversary trip. She had great intentions, but I just had an epiphany that I would rather go play golf with my friends, than watch a sunset with her. She was shocked when after she laid out the trip, I responded with I think we should divorce.

He doesnít want to hold me hostage anymore

Im going to take this as how I felt. I knew deep down that even though I loved her, I was done. There was nothing she could do. In reality there was nothing she could do the second she slept with him the second time (I think I could have forgiven a one time thing.) I hated the way I treated her, which would best be called cordial. You should not treat someone you love cordially. I too was full of resentment

Instead of looking at this as a failure, maybe try to step into his shoes and realize he was there for your kids growing up. He sacrificed great years for you and the family. He could have left day one.

My EX and our kids still hold out hope we will get back together. I guess you can never say never, but my guts got twisted by her affair, got twisted again when I went through a divorce and had to see her pain, Iím just not willing to twist my guts again by risking marrying her again. Not because I think she is a danger, but I am. I could marry her and quickly realize nothing in our situation changed. Who needs to do that?

That isnít to say it doesnít happen. Iím interested in you going into more depth. Bottom line a 25 year relationship is something to celebrate. Especially as it doesnít seem to be ending with a lot of fireworks. Hopefully you can stay as good co parents, and maybe even have some kind of relationship

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 2:55 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 14:56 PM

Thank you so much, waitedwaytoolong.... Im going to take some time to really think about what you've said here. It resonates with me.

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 14:58 PM


Unless Iím reading it wrong the husband in this case is a betrayed husband who has decided the infidelity was a deal breaker for him, meaning he probably is very much the man the WW thought he was all along - someone faithful who lives by his values.

You are absolutely right. Although some things have happened the last ten years that were giant mistakes. I'll be detailing those below soon.

Thumos posted 8/10/2020 15:14 PM

This sounds very close to my story. Wife had a short, but brutal affair.
We stayed together for 5 years but it never felt right to me. My gut on DDay was to GTFO, but I wanted to keep my family intact. I stayed, but kind of went through the motions. Sex was different as I couldnít get what they did out of my head. I had no compelling feeling that I wanted to spend time with her. Basically our marriage was a shell of what it was. At least from my perspective. Not that there were not plenty of good times too, but they were not enough to overcome the flatness I felt most of the time

Waitedwaytoolong knows my experience tracks very closely with his. Iím coming up on the 4 year anniversary of DDAY in December and I told my WW a week ago I want a divorce.

It certainly isnít from a motive for revenge. Itís just to get free and clear. Iím sure your husband has been swallowing his pain for too long and that just never works.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:15 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 8/10/2020 15:17 PM

You are absolutely right. Although some things have happened the last ten years that were giant mistakes. I'll be detailing those below soon.

Regardless Iím sorry for both of you. Work collaboratively on a clean amicable divorce. Thatís a gift you can give.

20yrsagoBS posted 8/10/2020 15:34 PM

The spouse in my head was wonderful.


I wonder when he died?

This other being in his place is so unpleasant, definitely not the type of person I would have been attracted to.


I only asked for two things of him. I lying and no cheating.

He gave me both.

I didnít need him to be handsome, wealthy, successful, funny, or even kind


Just not a liar or cheater.

Yet he gave me those two things and he still isnít wealthy, successful, funny, kind, or handsome.

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 15:38 PM

My updated story. Sorry, it's long but interesting...
Ten years ago, I had a short emotional and then physical affair. After the one night I spent with OM, he found out and I did not handle Dday or the subsequent months appropriately. I learned alot here posting in Wayward, and we entered a reconciliation. I was vulnerable to the affair due to his withdrawl from our lives. Please understand that's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances. But we both understand I was vulnerable because I kept begging him to be involved , to be with me, to live our life with me, and he kept resisting , isolating and denying.
So... In our reconciliation, I offered him a ' wild card' or 'free pass'. We were onlies, and I had taken that away, and changed it for us and it was something that wieghed on him. I wanted to fix that for him. I know that was flawed thinking, but its what I did. He said he'd never want to do that, that it wouldn't fix anything, that it was crazy, and for years, we left it at that. Until 2 years ago, so like 8 years into R, all Of a sudden there was this opportunity. A friend he used to work with, messages him out of the blue and is now single. I knew she wanted him, he shared everything and I knew. So.. being the still guilty, never self forgiven ( although I claimed to be) WW that I am, I encouraged it. I provoked him into flirting with her for several weeks, ultimately setting up their "one free night ". She was told In advance of that night, exactly what it was and why, and that he absolutely had my blessing. ( hardest night I had ever lived through ). But now , he would feel better!He would surely forgive me now, after my ability to do that for him! Even though, before all this happened, he had told me I was forgiven and we were happy, reconciled... Living our new life.
If all that isnt crazy enough, that's only the beginning. The beginning of the end.
Following that one night that they shared, I declared they should really only continue a friendship if her and I met and were feiends too. She agreed to meet and weirdly, somehow, it turns into a threesome situation. I cannot even explain how. I have never in my life been attracted to another woman, but all lf a sudden this was fun. I really liked who BH was, I liked all the attention and flirting and ' dating'. I didn't ever LOVE the threesome sex, but it was a part of it and it was adventurous and daring and different. I felt like I was this awesome wife who gave her man something noone else would give their man. I always said it wasn't forever , this was just a thing we were doing for a bit.
It grew though, it grew out of control , I got uncomfortable, we had fights regarding boundaries and my emotions. It ended when her life got hectic, by her choice and we went back to being us. If that had been the end, maybe we'd still be ok.
When she csme back after a year, we decided to start it up again. I said at the start that I didnt want it to be as intense as last time, and that I wanted to be able to say so if I didn't want to do it anymore. He readily agreed and we had a gifriend again. Well. It not only was just as intense as the first time , it was much much more so. Why didn't I see that coming. She was a part of everything we did and said, she was everyday, everything. He made very effort he could to make me feel like I was #1, the wife... But it became to much and I couldn't live with it anymore . When it ended, in March.... He decladed a need for time and space and moved upstairs. We've lived like that to now, and he moves out this week.
The two of them have maintained a friendship the whole time. Her and I have not. Tried, a little ... Didn't work. I'm so ridiculously jealous that she gets to talk to him every day and I don't, after everything we've been through. I know that's just my side, he has his reasons. He's tired of ' losing in this marriage' hes tired of my emotional outbursts and he says I never consider his feelings before my own. He's not wrong, in the threesome situation I absolutely did that. I was the one who was scared, insecure, conflicted, jealous and unable. I don't think I did that outside the threesome relationship.
So now, here we are. On the brink of divorce. He says it isn't the breakup of the threesome that's to blame. It's the accumulation of all the resentments and bad stuff through all the years. I believed for a long time it was because I didn't want to be with her anymore. Part of me still does.
Obviously, thats not an all inclusive, highly detailed explanation, but its an outline. Thoughts, questions advice, criticism... All welcome. Thanks for reading.

Thumos posted 8/10/2020 16:44 PM

I was vulnerable to the affair due to his withdrawl from our lives. Please understand that's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances. But we both understand I was vulnerable because I kept begging him to be involved , to be with me, to live our life with me, and he kept resisting , isolating and denying.

If you haven't you might consider getting feedback from other wayward spouses in the wayward section as well. Here, you're going to get the perspective of both betrayed and wayward spouses. I would have been awfully triggered by this set of statements a year ago, but I can see your pain. I would gently suggest that even with the qualifiers, I'm seeing blameshifting in here. I think wayward spouses might be able to give you better feedback.

The offering of a free pass is unfortunately a common phenomenon and my understanding is it is common among WW's. It's really damaging in a one and only situation. My WW hinted around on this, but never said it outright. I can only tell you it ramifies the damage pretty severely. Your BH may have shrugged it off but it's not a small thing. It signals that a WW's view of sex is very skewed and not lining up with the way a faithful one and only BH viewed it. It's hard to describe just how painful this realization is.

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling ill-equipped to help you deal with a polyamorous/madhatters situation. It's beyond the already complicated situations many of us are more familiar with. I don't feel equipped to give you very good advice on this aspect.

Cooley2here posted 8/10/2020 20:07 PM

The back stories are often overlooked but they are soooo important.
He withheld attention and affection
Another man gave you attention and affection
You traded that for sex
Your husband found out and you became the bad guy
He held it over your head, probably subtly
You kept trying to get forgiveness
He was never going to give it because he had all the power
You decided to go against your feelings by giving him a hall pass
He took it and ran with it
You fell on your face.
He has had the power all along
Refer to the first sentence.

bewuzzled posted 8/10/2020 20:21 PM

The back stories are often overlooked but they are soooo important.
He withheld attention and affection
Another man gave you attention and affection
You traded that for sex
Your husband found out and you became the bad guy
He held it over your head, probably subtly
You kept trying to get forgiveness
He was never going to give it because he had all the power
You decided to go against your feelings by giving him a hall pass
He took it and ran with it
You fell on your face.
He has had the power all along
Refer to the first sentence.

This is why I belong here. You guys always make me think in ways I hadn't before. I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you for this to comtemplate.

ChamomileTea posted 8/10/2020 20:35 PM

BS's don't always do the work involved in recovery. One would think that it would be common knowledge that if we take a WS back into the marriage, we do it with the intention of full recovery, eventual returned equality, and just in general behaving with good grace. And while people can decide they want to divorce for any reason at all, your WH can no longer make any kind of credible case that it's about YOUR adultery.

So no... you don't owe him a favorable divorce. If things go that far, you'll do well to get a good attorney and make sure you're getting what you're owed and what you need.

waitedwaytoolong posted 8/10/2020 20:49 PM

The back stories are often overlooked but they are soooo important.
He withheld attention and affection
Another man gave you attention and affection
You traded that for sex
Your husband found out and you became the bad guy

He held it over your head, probably subtly
You kept trying to get forgiveness
He was never going to give it because he had all the power
You decided to go against your feelings by giving him a hall pass
He took it and ran with it
You fell on your face.
He has had the power all along
Refer to the first sentence.

This is so wrong on so many counts. I really feel for her as I get what having a truly remorseful WS see their marriage implode does to someone. My EX still hasnít recovered

But do you think her trading sex with another man, no matter what the reason makes her a good guy? My guess is even Bewuzzled with not agree with that.

If you read her post in wayward she didnít go against her feelings with the hall pass. She facilitated it. It never would have happened if she didnít push it. It also sounds like she actually did get forgiveness from him. Things were pretty good for 8 years until they opened it up.

I want to be sympathetic to her plight, but her husband does not deserve to be portrayed as a monster. It was a mistake to cheat, and a mistake to open things up. Both things she chose.

By opening up the marriage she took a risk. It didnít play out

ChamomileTea posted 8/10/2020 20:59 PM

...her husband does not deserve to be portrayed as a monster.

He may not be a monster, but he's certainly a cake-eating WS. One can't speak out of both sides of their mouth, "yes, we can end this whenever you're uncomfortable" and "if we have to end this because of your emotionalism, I'm reevaluating the marriage". I'll grant you he's oily, and trying to get by on technicalities... but he doesn't deserve better treatment than any other WS.

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