"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Gottagetthrough posted 9/2/2020 07:25 AM

I am stuck. I lived with relatives out of state this summer. It was great. During this time Wh had a breakdown and lost his job and ow 2 refuses to speak to him (lost the job bc of stuff with ow 2 actually)

I came home 1- because the house we live in is owned by my relative (so Wh needs to leave not me) and 2- my kids didn’t want to move. I broached the subject and they did not want to move (oldest is in 11th grade)

Wh is refusing to move out. We went to counseling and I told him that I want to separate and have him leave the house. He said no. The counselor said it’s not forever, it’s separation. Perhaps you two can work on things better if you’re out of the house. Wh said no. He has no place to go.

The relative that owns the house is older. To get him evicted I have to go through a process where they come here and go to court. I don’t want to put the relative through that especially during Covid. They would have to fly here. They have told me they would do it if I asked but I don’t want to ask.

The therapist talked to us about divorce. I told Wh it would not be like last time (we were actively divorcing for about a year, had custody and visitation, 3 court dates, etc). It was very nasty last time. I had a PI and everything.

I told him we’d separate and after a year get the divorce granted and it would be quiet and we’d move on. He told me and the therapist no. I’m going to make it nasty. Therapist told him “that’s stupid, why would you spend that time and money making it a difficult divirce”. (He got mad and said she wasn’t impartial)

I am also realizing how wrapped up my life has been with Wh. We spent so much time with his family who don’t like me. On his career, that frankly is floundering now, and on walking on egg shells so he didn’t go manic.

The world is my oyster now. How do I proceede? How do I make goals for myself? I think the divorce can go off in (less than) a year and we’d just say we had in house separation. Wh has signed papers that give me sole custody of the kids and separate our assets (basically, what’s mine is mine and I don’t have to pay his student loans)

The paperwork is DONE. All we have to do is wait out the year out state requires.

I know that being near him is clouding judgement. I was resolute when I was 500 miles from him. He needs to get out of my house.

hcsv posted 9/2/2020 07:43 AM

File for legal separation and include the sole occupancy of the house.

Charity411 posted 9/2/2020 09:21 AM

Can your relative give you a power of attorney agreement to handle just the eviction?

Gottagetthrough posted 9/2/2020 09:22 AM

I’m an idiot. I already have that in the document we signed. He has 45 days to get out after I notify by written letter.
The relative could get him out faster, but I still can do this myself. I just “forgot”

I think I’m coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t kick him out. I’m scared I can’t do this alone. I’m scared what he will do in the divorce. But in no way do I want to reconcile. At all. The trust has been absolutely destroyed. The only reason I’m not moving forward is fear

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:24 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 9/2/2020 13:33 PM

You sound a lot stronger and can now see your future. I think this is great news for you. I know the fear that you speak of and it is debilitating especially when you have a spouse that is throwing out guilt trips left and right I am forcing myself to keep moving forward no matter what. I am also scared as to whether I can do this or not, but I also have my parents who have offered financial help should I find myself in a bind.

I think you should go forward with the letter and giving him 45 days. You can do this!!! Woo Hoo Gottagetthrough has a whole new world ahead of her

The1stWife posted 9/3/2020 03:48 AM

What are you fearful of?

Gottagetthrough posted 9/3/2020 07:16 AM

CrazyBlindsided-

Debilitating. PERFECT word. I feel so stuck and the fear is debilitating.

The 1st wife- I’m not sure exactly what I’m scared of. Everything? It’s also the realization that relationships I’ve put so much time and energy into the past 20 years are trash and I have wasted my time . With Wh, with in-laws.... I should have been on a different path .... instead I was on the highway to hell and kept going... thinking, well, if I just give this road a little while longer it will be ok....

I’m scared of admitting I was so so so wrong to love this man, have kids with him, invest my life in him. It’s a total loss. I have gotten NOTHING from this marriage. 3 kids. But I could have had them with someone else. I just wasted so much time.

Gottagetthrough posted 9/3/2020 09:36 AM

45 day notice has been sent. He has until October 18 to move out.

nekonamida posted 9/3/2020 09:50 AM

GGT, you're doing great. Every one deals with fear in this process but as long as you keep putting one step in front of the other, this hell will end for you.

Phoenix1 posted 9/3/2020 13:05 PM

45 day notice has been sent. He has until October 18 to move out.

Excellent news, Gotta! That's a huge step in the right direction, and you are one step closer to freedom.

Stay the course and don't back down. You will eventually learn that reality is much better than imagined fear. You've got this!!

Gottagetthrough posted 9/3/2020 13:28 PM

I’ll be honest- when I sent the 45 day notice I thought, “ok I can take this back... if I don’t want to go through I can take it back..”.

Has anyone ever thought like that? Like, “I’m signing divorce papers, but I can take it back if we decide to later on”

I would LOVE for Wh to get therapy and become the dad and husband I thought he was. I’d love it! I’d say oh.... I’m so glad , I knew you weren’t that guy you’ve been from 2009-2020!!

But right now, he isn’t the dad and husband I thought he was. I’ve given him YEARS and he still is awful. I have to get out of this mess. I don’t want to get a divorce. But I just can’t reconcile with someone who’s been so disrespectful towards me and our marriage and has cheated TWICE! (Plus the women he was with while we were separated... don’t know if I count them... if so... )

tushnurse posted 9/3/2020 14:09 PM

Gotta honey keep plugging along.

You know for a fact that you were fine when you were on your own previously.

You know for a fact that you were much happier this summer away from him.

You know for a fact that your kids are going to be more well adjusted, without dealing with his level of manipulation, and abuse daily.

You know for a fact that you are in a much better position than you were a year ago.

You are a strong smart capable woman. You will be able to make it through the next few months. You will be happier and stronger on your own. YOU know this. Don't be afraid of falling off the cliff you are going to fly.

((((And Strength))))

Chaos posted 9/3/2020 14:13 PM

Make yourself a countdown calendar [there are apps for that] and treat yourself kindly.

You are stronger than you know.

ETA- bonus points if you use Samuel L Jackson as the background photo with the caption "tick tock motherfucker"

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:13 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 9/3/2020 14:23 PM

Gotta — we can feel your strength coming through. Keep those bitch boots nearby for those moments when you feel weak. You know your future is bright, but it’s still a bit scary to not see the details. With him, you know what to expect, and as horrible as it is, it is comfortable to KNOW.

What you felt this summer is what NC provides— the space to breathe and gather your strength. Once he is out, you will have that back. No more eggshells.

Remember what a strong capable person you are. You got this, Gotta.

Gottagetthrough posted 9/3/2020 14:57 PM

With him, you know what to expect, and as horrible as it is, it is comfortable to KNOW.

Yes. Exactly

ETA- bonus points if you use Samuel L Jackson as the background photo with the caption "tick tock motherfucker"

Thank you all for the support

Gumdropped posted 9/3/2020 15:34 PM

I would LOVE for Wh to get therapy and become the dad and husband I thought he was. I’d love it! I’d say oh.... I’m so glad , I knew you weren’t that guy you’ve been from 2009-2020!!

But right now, he isn’t the dad and husband I thought he was. I’ve given him YEARS and he still is awful. I have to get out of this mess. I don’t want to get a divorce. But I just can’t reconcile with someone who’s been so disrespectful towards me and our marriage and has cheated TWICE! (Plus the women he was with while we were separated... don’t know if I count them... if so... )

Spend time on getting what you want - don't waste any more time hoping he will become the man you want him to be - it seems he is perfectly fine with the human being that he is.