TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 08:43 AM

Just looking for experiences with this particular phrase. I see it mentioned a lot, part of the cheaters handbook, and wondered if it sheds any kind of light on the WS mind during the time that It was said

Is it exclusively used for exit As or monkey branching or do all WS use this line just to justify the A whether they are planning to leave you or not...whether they plan to be with their AP in the future or not.

Surely using this line will in every situation send the BS into hyper vigilance and almost certainly discovery of the A.

What’s going on here, if they don’t want to get caught, why say this and raise suspicion, or is this said with the hope of getting caught?

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 8:59 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

CallMeRed1 posted 9/22/2020 08:56 AM

My ex told me this during his "confession". I asked him what he meant and he said he loved me but there was no spark any more and he hadn't felt that for a long time.

It's just a pathetic sentance they throw out to try and justify their actions. But it doesn't really, it just makes them look selfish.

dancin-gal posted 9/22/2020 09:01 AM

My WS used the words to justify his short A that was just physical..
I think it is a common justification for an affair, not necessarily words ment to end a marriage. Then we hear I loved you during the A . I truly believe that is all part of the A fog the WS goes thru .

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 09:04 AM

@callmered1 so your WH told you during his confession? Did he go to be with AP or did he want to R when the “fog” lifted?

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 09:17 AM

@dancingal thankyou, so your WH did not want to leave even at the time of saying those words?

thatbpguy posted 9/22/2020 09:30 AM

Yeah, I got this as well. Seemed like a cheap excuse to me to justify leaving me. It's a cop out.

hikingout posted 9/22/2020 09:34 AM

Hi Twodozen,

I am the WS.

This phrase for me is symbolic of a person who doesn't know what love is. The feelings of being in love with someone is actually best felt through their own efforts and investment in the other person. I feel appreciation when my husband does or says nice things for me, but I now understand the butterflies comes from the giving more than the receiving.

Also, marital love requires many strands to a rope, the fondness one feels is only one strand of that rope.

When I felt the whole ILYBNILWY, it's because I was comparing it to the getting high feelings in the affair. That seems like it means the AP is special, but it doesn't mean they are special at all. It's the conditions of what is happening, the situation, that is making the high. It's the self-adulation/ego. You can look around at many of the AP's people chose and can see they are not quality people, they are often less attractive, and there is nothing at all special about them. It's the affair that causes those feelings.

Also, because of cognitive dissonance, the WS really has to minimize things about their BS to a certain degree (that degree can vary) in order to make false justifications in their head. To me, the phrase is the result of minimizing the BS in order to be high more of the time.

I don't think any of this is conscious, it's just what happens when someone gets so selfish that they only care what they want. And, that's why the problem is always with the WS and it really has very little to do with who the BS is or what they do or don't do.

Lastly, because the WS has decided to cheat, it naturally breaks the authentic intimate connection the couple has together. If the WS is remorseful, and the BS also feels they want to try to give R a chance, then that connection will have to be rebuilt from the bottom up. It's a process that takes a long time. That broken connection also lends itself to both parts of the couple possibly using that phrase. I think for a very long time after DDAY my husband loved me, but didn't feel very in love with me because of what I did. Love is more than just the warm feelings, and the warm/romamtic feelings are something that ebbs and flows in every long term relationship. It's only stigmatized because of the infidelity.

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 10:03 AM

@hikingout thankyou for your feedback, I read a lot of what you write as I try to take in the enormity of the situation I find myself in and try to understand both sides of the equation.

gmc94 posted 9/22/2020 10:12 AM

Here's a funny anecdote:

I saw the title of this thread and a little light bulb went off....

At 2.5+ yrs post dday, that may be how I feel about my WH now. I love him, I want him to live a decent & happy life, but I don't think I'm "in" love with him anymore.

#irony

Oldwounds posted 9/22/2020 10:14 AM

I used to think it was a line only for exit 'affairs' -- but it's standard issue rationalization for a WS.

What’s going on here, if they don’t want to get caught, why say this and raise suspicion, or is this said with the hope of getting caught?

I don't think a lot of WS know how Universal that line with infidelity is until they get here.

But once you've heard it, and once you know what it means, yes, it's as big of a red flag as there is.

My wife's A wasn't a branch jump either, AP was neither physically bigger or stronger or have more money -- for her it was a cake eater scenario.

Her AP was actually up front with her, explaining that he wasn't ever going to leave his marriage. His sell was that my wife was so special he was daring to cross the line.

Ain't fantasy great?

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 10:19 AM

@GMC64 I said the same thing to my IC about 3 months ago but tbh I dip in and out, one day I do the next day I don’t. Never enough don’t days to do anything about it though so far. Thanks for your input.

99problems posted 9/22/2020 10:20 AM

My stbxw knew I thought this phrase was a cop out. She still used it, after I told her I was done with the marriage. She used it as a weapon against me, to cheapen our marriage and hurt me.
She sucks.

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 10:23 AM

@oldwounds same, AP nothing special here either, just younger and exciting and “filled a void” so to speak

WhatsRight posted 9/22/2020 10:30 AM

At 2.5+ yrs post dday, (14 years for me) that may be how I feel about my WH now. I love him, I want him to live a decent & happy life, but I don't think I'm "in" love with him anymore.

My husband never really used that line on me… He always claimed, and does to this day, that he really loves me. 🤮

But I feel the same as you.

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 10:50 AM

@whatsright it would’ve certainly been easier if the A had removed all love for WGF from my mind immediately apon discovery of the A but it didn’t pan out like that, like I always thought it would do if faced with this situation.

I guess now I’m in that same space WGF was in pre A, half in half out, the difference being I won’t go down the same route she did and I actually tell her how I’m feeling so she has the opportunity to do something about it if she wants to.

The1stWife posted 9/22/2020 10:52 AM

My H had a typical mid life crisis affair. He was dumping me after 25 years of marriage for a much younger OW he knew 9 months.

And of course I heard the ILYBNILWY speech over and over again. And the “I want a Divorce” speech too many times.

It’s an emotionally charged situation and quite honestly I don’t think some of the cheaters KNOW what they want.

Let me explain. My therapist said we betrayed spouses should not try to make sense out if affairs. They are illogical and trying to “understand” will make us BS crazy.

Secondly at Dday2 and months of false reconciliation (Which I only learned on dday2) I told my H I had no other choice but to D him. He’s then trying to turn things around and make amends and reconcile.

I’m being a snarky person (because I have nothing but anger towards him) and I start throwing back in his face all the things he told me “caused him to cheat” like I don’t apologize for anything or I didn’t support him etc. You know all the typical lies and justifications.

Including all the times I heard ILYBNILWY. So I asked why he suddenly wants to stay married to me when he’s not in love with me. I told him he’s free to go and be with anyone he wants. He’s no longer going to live here and he can consider himself “unmarried”.

He said he realized the last month that he was looking at the OW and comparing us when that should never have happened. He now “realizes” that what he thought he wanted he didn’t really want. He values me & family & the life we have blah blah blah.

He realized that his infatuation with the OW was not a real sustainable relationship.

Does it hurt? Every damn day. But I forgive him b/c I realized he understands (now) the mistakes he made. He was unhappy with himself and blamed me. He had an affair thinking it would make him happy. It was the answer he was looking for.

He never expected me to stand up to him. He thought b/c I forgave him for his first affair I would forgive him and rugsweep this one too. 🤣 ROFLMAO.

TwoDozen posted 9/22/2020 11:11 AM

Thanks @the1stwife I actually only heard it once, 3 weeks before Dday. Since Dday it’s always been “I was confused” “I didn’t know what I wanted” “I was in a crazy place” “I didn’t know what I was doing”

I feel like for a while, I was plan B, that if there had been any real reciprocating feelings from the AP I would be in the separation / divorce forum now without any choice in the matter.

I know I’m plan A now, but In time maybe I’ll join the separation forum of my own choosing. Who knows.

Tigersrule77 posted 9/22/2020 11:39 AM

I heard that line from my XWW. I believe it was her attempt to "let me down easy". She didn't want to be the bad guy, but was unhappy in the M and it was far easier for her to chase strange than actually have a discussion with her husband (me). She later tried to claim in MC that she never loved me but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Our MC also called bullsh*! on that.

I can't speak for all WS's, but for mine, it was her attempt to still be friends, she cares about me, but doesn't want to married to me. But doesn't care enough to be honest and forthright about it, she'll still run around behind my back.

TheLostOne2020 posted 9/22/2020 14:31 PM

It's surprising to me that mine didn't use this line. She practically fit other cheater tropes to a "T" so I was expecting this.

Thumos posted 9/22/2020 15:05 PM

It’s a laughable phrase. There are various versions WS try on for size so beware.

It’s just more representative of selfish thinking than anything else.