Justkeepgoing26 posted 9/24/2020 10:39 AM

Can anyone suggest something to help please?

3am wake up- dreamt I caught husband with a prostitute in our bed. He slept with prosititute in a hotel in real life. My husband woke me up, I was sweating, fidgeting and ended up crying when I woke up. It’s the 3rd time it’s happened this week. Once I’m awake that’s it!

The1stWife posted 9/24/2020 10:46 AM

They will subside. I promise you one day there will be no dreams.

It just takes time. Unfortunately.

I went from no sleep at Dday 1 - maybe 45 minutes a night. My CH slept like a baby. That lasted 2 months for me. Then it was sleep a few hours (maybe 2) and wake up from nightmares.

At about 6 months from dday 1 I was sleeping normally. When dday2 rolled around it was my CH who wasn’t sleeping b/c I told him on dday2 I had no choice but to D him.

After that I was fine b/c I was no longer stressed and afraid of the “what if”

survrus posted 9/24/2020 10:53 AM

JKG,

To ease your mind, I think your WH needs to be ultra accountable with money, if you don't have a handle on the family finances you need to get to that point.

You may need to do your own forensic accounting as prostitutes are expensive, I think it was like $300 20 years ago when my BIL was going to them. He has a nervous break down when my SIL want to look at their records.

tushnurse posted 9/24/2020 10:56 AM

Without proper sleep and rest you will not be able to control emotions and balance behavior and know if you are rational or not.

Please reach out to your Dr. This is all part of the trauma you are going through and PTSD. There are great therapists that can help you learn to clear your mind through meditation prior to bed, and if that fails there are medications that can help you as well.

I couldn't eat or sleep pre and post DDay and getting medication was a game changer for me. With sleep and the ability to eat a meal or two a day, my brain worked a lot better, and I was able to deal w/ my trauma and pain better and more effectively.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 9/24/2020 18:27 PM

What you're experiencing may be PTSD symptoms. I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with it.

I can't speak of anyone else's experiences but I will share mine with you.

For about 10 years prior to my 2019 DDay, I didn't dream. Then as the TT began to really set in, it caused my mind to race. The little sleep I got typically included a person I'd rather not see. My WW wasn't in my dream, but I saw the face of a person I thought was trustworthy who disgusted me.

Dreams went away and so did sleep.

Sleep and a lack of nightmares came about when I told myself I needed to accept that my WW's actions were and are out of my control. That if we didn't make it, it was 100% her fault.

The mind is a complex thing. Introducing betrayal trauma puts it through a lot of stress and it suffers. In the simplest terms, I found the best thing for me was to try to not care as much and accept that no matter how hard I could try, successful R for us was out of my control. Then my mind calmed down, mostly.

From time to time, I don't sleep. But the nightmares have gone away. 5-10mg of melatonin has helped me much. But when my mind is racing, the melatonin does nothing for me.

One of the worst feelings is lying in bed, sleepless, while your WS is fast asleep. Must be nice...

GTeamReboot posted 9/25/2020 06:47 AM

What is it about 3 a.m.!? The universal “wake up and suddenly remember your life sucks” hour?

How does he handle that when it happens? I sure hope he is being a rockstar of humble support. It’s the least he can do. It has happened to me a few times and he has done well.

But yes... if he is otherwise doing what he can (as in not making it worse therefore ensuring it keeps happening), that seems like PTSD that merits separate medical help. EMDR? Meds? Talk to your IC and or your doc.

I hate this for you and for all of us!

Justkeepgoing26 posted 9/25/2020 12:21 PM

Thank you everyone for the advice. I will try and contact the dr next week regarding ptsd. I think I have a lot of things going on. I miscarried three weeks ago, it was an unexpected pregnancy, but it didn’t miscarry fully so may need an op soon.

I am able to check all accounts luckily and his phone contract is in my name so could check that if needed (had to do that on renewal before I found out)

Definitely feeling the lack of sleep at the moment which really isn’t helping.

He woke me when it happened but he pretty much went straight back to sleep. He didn’t even ask what was wrong. I told him the next day. He just hugged me but didn’t say anything

GTeamReboot posted 9/25/2020 23:01 PM

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry for your loss, even if it was unplanned and unexpected. That experience - hormonally and emotionally - would certainly add to the trauma.

I’m sorry he wasn’t more outwardly compassionate, whatever his internal thought and intentions may have been. It sucks when they can’t really get down in the emotional trenches with us.

Get some help and hang in there!

Justkeepgoing26 posted 9/26/2020 05:59 AM

Thank you GT- pretty eventful year! Definitely can’t wait to see the back of 2020. The dreams seem to have eased the rest of the week. Maybe it was because I was bottling everything up. I don’t know. X

Chaos posted 9/26/2020 12:46 PM

I'm so sorry. I think I speak for most of us when we say we've all been there.

Time helps. I promise. I used to have one every time I closed my eyes. Now I only have one every few months.

What also helps is my reaction to them. Now - this is from someone farther out so take that with perspective. When they happen, I am kind to myself. I let myself feel the feels. Purging my body so to speak. I communicate to WH - I let him know I had one and how it affecting me. [I used to hide them and try to white knuckle through my days/weeks until I exploded or imploded]. I up my exercise - nothing like a little stress relief while getting some good things flowing through your body.

Find what works for you and do it. And be kind to yourself when they happen [I hope with less and less frequency]

MistletoeEl posted 9/26/2020 17:48 PM

Its been 3 months since my partner of 5 years cheated and left me for our co-worker and without fail, I get nightmares about it every single night. I completely understand how you feel and the panic and fear you wake up with. The pain just hits your chest as soon as you wake up and you feel like you can’t breathe. It’s horrible and terrifying! I don’t know if they’ll ever go away completely but I’ve been told by my doctor it’s a symptom of PTSD. What you’ve been through is very traumatic and PTSD is a mental health condition caused by any traumatic experience. (Unlike what a lot of people think, it doesn’t have to be to do with war or death.) A traumatic experience is anything which overwhelms the body’s ability to cope. It sounds like you might be suffering from something similar. I would really recommend listening to calming music before you sleep, smelling lavender oil and doing mediation or having a bath before you sleep as that can help to calm your body. I’d also really recommend therapy/counselling to help you work through this, as your subconscious mind (the one that works when your sleeping) is understandably still in a lot of pain and trying to process everything. Antidepressants can also help for PTSD but be mindful they can sometimes make symptoms worse for the first few weeks of taking them and have some side effects. (I am on Sertraline for this and would recommend talking to your doctor.) Exercise before you sleep might also help to tire you out or writing down your dreams and your worries when you wake up could be useful. (So it’s on the paper and no longer in your head.) I really hope you can have a peaceful nights sleep soon and I’m sending you lots of love, healing and support. Stay strong lovely, we are all here for you!

[This message edited by MistletoeEl at 5:54 PM, September 26th (Saturday)]