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Husband Cheated Lied and Left me for a young Girl

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OwningItNow posted 10/30/2020 22:31 PM

What I saw was a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as Iíve never been kissed before.

The relationship with his mom is super creepy. They are far too close and she knows every single thing about us and our relationship. Unfortunately I only found that out now.

I would love to show him, that he's not better with his mom. Even worse I would say. After I found out about the affaire I was able to read some messenges he wrote to his mom before I found out. I was speechless what kind of things he's telling his MOTHER! Gives me the creeps.
But even if I would talk to him about it, he would find excuses why this is normal and me calling my mom asking if she's okay (after having had a heart attack two years ago) is a reason to end a marriage and cheat.

It has been my experience that if you have this kind of family enabling, this kind of backstabbing of a daughter-in-law while condoning predatory cheating, then the lack of role modeling, delusional denial, callous betrayal, and lack of empathy ensure that this will be the beginning of a lifetime of problems for your future ex. His mother, and any in his family who support him, seem to harbor an almost incestuous level of dysfunction. You are better off. There is something very, very wrong with these people, and I am so sorry.

MayLove posted 11/3/2020 02:25 AM

So wanted to give you a little update. Since Iíve stopped communication with him I havenít heard from him. Only exceptions is that he wants to see our son more often. Unfortunately I think this is not him wanting this but more so my mother-in-law.

I feel pretty good not hearing or reading anything from him. I had a little relapse when I saw his new girlfriend posting about their trip to the spa this weekend. Which happens to be the same, where he always took me. But I got over it quickly.

There is one thing thatís been bugging me for the whole week. And Iíd love to hear your opinion about it, as IĎm not sure if IĎm thinking rationally at the moment or if itís just anger and will bite me in the a** afterwards. 😂

My husband has told her parents his story of us having been separated for months and so on.
IĎm thinking about writing her parents or better her father (as I know the mother loves the attention of having a wealthy businessman as her daughters boyfriend) a letter, stating only the facts about me finding out about the affaire in September, my husband telling me they fell in love during driving school, my husband meeting both me and her during our relationship-break.
You know, only facts, no emotions or accusations.

Anyone think this is a good or horrible idea?

Bigger posted 11/3/2020 03:48 AM

Itís a bad idea. It wonít change anything at all.
Even if her father were to chastise them for the affair, it wont end the affair or prevent them from being together or whatever and he will still be her father.

Strange thing: Your husband and his GF need negative actions from you. In fact they probably take things you do and turn them into negatives. Like if he wants son at 8 tomorrow but you canít do a handover before 12 then that will be used by them in their conversations to ďproveĒ how impossible and hard to get along with you are.
I think couples that start in infidelity do this because the relationship is actually quite shallow. They NEED something to combine and unify on. In this case YOU.
So donít give them you. They will complain anyways because they need to, but just imagine how empty a complaint it becomes when they really donít have anything.

Does infidelity in any way factor in divorce in your country? Does your loss of a job/income in any way affect support? Can that be factored to your advantage in the division of assets?

Ripped62 posted 11/3/2020 08:11 AM

My husband has told her parents his story of us having been separated for months and so on.
IĎm thinking about writing her parents or better her father

I understand your desire in communicating the truth about their relationship.

I can assure you, no one sees their behavior as good or noble.

I feel her parents already know who and what she is otherwise they would have intervened initially upon finding out about their 17 year old daughter having sex with a married man. There are more vulgar terms that fit this sort of individual. There are equivalent terms for the despicable behavior of your wayward husband.

His mother is pathetic. Her mother is awful. Her father leaves me speechless.

As a father, I would have ascertained what my daughter was doing and halted it. I would also determine who she was conducting such a sordid relationship with. I would not merely accept the mutterings of your wayward husband as the truth. We men know some of us are dogs and usually try to protect our daughters from them.

I feel he knows. He is just like them in my opinion. He does not want to acknowledge what his daughter has become or the pathetic individual she is having sex with.

Save your words. I would not write the letter. He knows and probably does not care.

Take care of yourself and your child. Do not focus on their idiocy.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 8:17 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

MayLove posted 11/6/2020 14:14 PM

So today I was able to pick up my new car... as he has taken our family car and doesn't give it back. Both of us know the people working at this car dealer and really every single one of them came to greet me and told me what kind of idiot my husband is and how they don't understand why he would give up his family for a 17 year old. They also told me that he is parading her around in town... going to dinner and so on.

Hearing this hurt. But I also had to laugh when I thought about him being super proud to have his teenage girl on his arm, while everyone else is only shaking their head in disbelieve.

What's†buzzing around in the head these days is: A lot of people here or in my circle of family and friends tell me, that one day he'll probably try to get back with me.
I don't think this will ever happen. Why would he do that? He doesn't love me anymore.†Don't get me wrong. I know what he's done and still doing and I don't want this kind of man back in my life. But is it "normal" for cheaters to try to get back or why do people think†that this is possibly going to happen someday.

If I ask people they only say "You'll see." I don't understand.

leafields posted 11/6/2020 15:05 PM

Of course, every situation is different, but it can happen. My STBXWH went & spent the weekend with his new special person, then a couple days later sent me a text to ask for another shot at R. There's no way I was going to go back to that emotionally abusive relationship.

TruthIsPower posted 11/6/2020 15:25 PM

MayLove, you can read about Narcissistic Discard and see if this resembles your situation.

Wishing you continue to stay strong!

The1stWife posted 11/7/2020 16:13 PM

He will come back I or try to come back when his ďrelationship with this very young woman ends.

He will be devastated and look to you for comfort. He will believe you will still care and will feel bad for him. He will believe he can just ďeraseĒ the affair and you will give him another chance.

Iíve seen it happen. Just donít be shocked if it happens to you. And be prepared to stand your ground and decline to reconcile if that is what you choose.

HellFire posted 11/7/2020 21:27 PM

You say her parents are fine with all of this. Says who? Have you actually spoken to her mother, or did your lying POS husband tell you her parents are fine with it?

I'd call her mom. Tell her you wanted to inform her that her child is having an affair with a 30 year old married man,and father, and you are divorcing because of it.

I bet she has no idea.

I wouldn't do it hoping he comes back. I'd do it because anyone who has had a 17 year old girl, knows that even the most mature 17 year old, is still very much a child. I would want someone to tell me,if it were my kid.

The1stWife posted 11/7/2020 22:21 PM

Actually if her parents decide to press charges he could end up in jail. Problem solved. He wonít be back for some time.

And he deserves it in my opinion.

MayLove posted 11/8/2020 05:20 AM

Iíve seen it happen. Just donít be shocked if it happens to you. And be prepared to stand your ground and decline to reconcile if that is what you choose.

@The1stWife: There are a lot of people who would rather chain me to the chair than let me take him back. So if it happens... and my brain goes standby there is hope for me

You say her parents are fine with all of this. Says who? Have you actually spoken to her mother, or did your lying POS husband tell you her parents are fine with it?

I would want someone to tell me,if it were my kid.

@HellFire: You are right. I know it from my lying husband. And I've thought about calling her parents. I would want to know, if this was my child. But I'm really really bad at talking to someone over the phone. And I don't know if it would be good for my healing if I hear them say, that they are okay with it. Or how they think that they are a good couple or whatever.
That's why I wanted to write this letter. To get it of my chest. I want them to know my side of the story... the facts.. and what they do with it or how they react to it, doesn't concern me.
But there are few people who think that this is a good idea.

[This message edited by MayLove at 5:21 AM, November 8th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 11/8/2020 06:51 AM

I think your letter is a wonderful idea.

Not to get your H back but to be honest with this girlís parents. They may not know the truth about your H. This young girl deserves the full truth. So do her parents if she needs that type of support and protection.

Send the letter. You are doing the right thing here. If you had a daughter that age you would want to know the truth and protect her.

JS84 posted 11/9/2020 00:46 AM

I don't think the letter is going to make much of a difference. It kind of sounds like the community already doesn't approve of it. If the parents are letting her go all around town with him, it doesn't seem like they have much power to stop it even if they want to.

He'd most likely just tell her parents you're crazy and that letter is proof. A face to face would be much more effective. Once you mail a letter, you really don't control who receives it, who reads it, how it's interpreted, or what is done with it.

But like I said, in the end I don't think it's going to make or break anything with your situation to send it. It's really up to you. Who knows, maybe they just need more proof your husband is a douchebag for it to sink in.

I don't know what country you're in but if you can make sure someone specific, girl's mother or father, signs for it so you know they get it.

dotterofTheKing posted 11/9/2020 01:49 AM

Iím so sorry MayLove. Iím so sad that your husband has done this to you. I just want you to know I read your story and I care.

MayLove posted 11/9/2020 02:10 AM

I don't think the letter is going to make much of a difference.

You were right. Haven't send the letter and probably won't do it. Heard from someone, that the girl's mother is super proud, that her daughter has snatched a wealthy business man and is soon going to be the next Mrs. XX.
I couldn't believe it.

The father of the girl is not to keen on all of this but doesn't have much to say in this family.

What has my husband gotten us all into. I'm speechless.

I just want you to know I read your story and I care.

Thank you so much for reading and caring. Knowing that so many people care and confirm that he's the problem not me, helps me a lot.

The1stWife posted 11/9/2020 04:19 AM

I would send the letter making sure the parents know the shame and disgrace the family will suffer b/c of this.

How you intend to drag this young girl through the mud for destroying your family.

And then do it. Make sure she has no access to your children or family. She cannot attend events if your children are present.

Get alimony and child support or whatever you can so he has less $ for her. And prepare yourself b/c either she dumps him or he cheats on her. One or both will happen.

Bigger posted 11/9/2020 07:03 AM

Reality is others arenít really so invested in our story. The people around town that are gossiping about your husband. WellÖ that lasts until the next divorce, the next movie-star beats his wife, the next sports personality fails a drug-testÖ whatever.
Iím guessing that in your circle there are divorced people. People that are on their second or even third marriage. People that broke up with long-term partners. I also guess that for many of them you donít know who the former partner was, why they divorced or if the ex is a nice person or the spouse from hell, infidelity or incompatibility. It just doesnít matter. People move on.

Like it or not then thatís what you Ė and your then ex-husband Ė will experience. Some of your joint friends will be his friends, some will be yours, some will find a way to remain friendly to both. Your role in his family will change and diminish. That is just the way it is. Itís not evil, nor intentional. Itís just what it is.

I donít see any profit whatsoever in you shaming his family or the OW family. If her mom is happy with her daughterís decision, then nothing you write will change that. In fact, any letter will simply be twisted to ďconfirmĒ that you are a crazy vengeful bi%%h and why your husband was lucky to get away.

I am perfectly 100% content with you being honest about the affair: If asked why you are divorcing then be upfront that your husband is having an affair with a 17 year old girl, and yes Ė you think itís shameful that he runs around with barely legal young women and yes Ė you are surprised about how her parents and his family seem OK about it. But thatís not your concern. Your concern is that you donít share your husband and his actions removed all respect you have for him, therefore making divorce inevitable.

Rather than focus on him or her then I would strongly focus on YOU.

Your best revenge? Get what is yours from the divorce. Is the OW mother all happy at the rich son-in-law-to-be? WellÖ do your best to make her content with the new son-in-law-to-be worth half of what he is now. Remember that not only are you losing a marriage, but also a job. Do you know that your husband put private costs on the company? Was a company credit-card used to pay for holidays? Think heís using it now to pay for his new woman? Did he under-report his pay? Would the IRS (or whatever the tax institution is in your country) be interested in doing an audit? Use whatever you can or whatever threat you have to get every single dollar and then some. It give you time to recover and to focus on your personal recovery.

MayLove posted 11/9/2020 14:24 PM

So today he picked up our son and was in complete shock that I didnít hand him over this time. My Dad did. HavenĎt seen him for two weeks and with my Dad doing me this favor from now on.

He got out of the car and instantly started to cry. I donít know if it was because of the situation, our son or my dad.
He walked up to my dad and wanted to lean on him and said ďIím sorry for what happened last time picking up our son. I want to apologize.Ē


Just for the record. Last time he accused me of dating other man and dressing like a who**... in front of our child.

So back to the topic. Whatís his game? I didnít get any apology up until now. Crying? Is he serious? 🙄😤

Jeaniegirl posted 11/9/2020 14:53 PM

I have never found myself in disagreement with Bigger - BUT I think this will be the one time I am..

Telling her parents, to me, is not shaming. It's letting them know their daughter, a minor, is involved with a man who walked away from his marriage, his wife, his son and his home - and will probably do the same to her later. They also need to know you and your H were NOT separated when this affair started up and how shocked you were to find out what was going on.

Then wish their daughter (and them) good luck with HIM. You should also tell your WH (afterwards) that you have set the record straight with her parents, since she is still a minor.

Bigger posted 11/9/2020 18:50 PM

Jeaniegirl Ė the girls parents already know. Her mom has expressed joy in her daughter making this great catch. With that sort of attitude then I donít think ANYTHING MayLove can say will change their attitude or their minds, nor will it change the outcome. Thatís why I donít see it as a sensible act.

MayLove Ė Donít overthink his actions. We all tend to be our best AND OUR WORST with our spouses. Heís OK with being his worst towards you, but KNOWS his actions are wrong. I hope your dad kicked him where it hurts the most...

I want to share a story. Itís just an idea, maybe only something to chuckle about, but maybeÖ

Some years ago on an infidelity site I was reading at that time a woman had a comparable situation as you do. The husband found a younger woman, wanted to divorce, moved outÖ The works. The divorce process is initiated and is going along at itís own pace.
The woman at first was all confrontational and unhappy. Then she changedÖ She started dressing up, having her hair done and looking her best. She also started insisting the husband take the kids for weekends. She would go out to movies by herself, spend time on long drives and generally be unavailable when the husband called. When he came to get the kids, he would see flowers in a vase, maybe some candy or a card, his soon-to-be ex-wife preparing for a night out. When he dropped them off there might be a couple of wine-glasses by the couch. An extra toothbrush in the bathroom. She started being dismissive of her husband Ė cut the calls short, tell him she didnít have time for a coffee because she had to be somewhere and so on. Basically she created an imaginary love-interest. This accumulated into a weekend where she asked him to have the kids for an extra day because she was leaving town with ďa friendĒ. The husband rushed over asking for a second chanceÖ

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