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Husband Cheated Lied and Left me for a young Girl

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The1stWife posted 11/24/2020 19:22 PM

He may not be that way now. He’s in the “new” phase of the relationship and trust me, he’s trying to keep up.

Wait a few months or so when the newness dies down. Then he’s watching TV, laying around doing nothing lol.

Sounds like his new interest is someone he needs to keep his eye on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:27 AM, November 25th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 11/25/2020 03:45 AM

I somehow envision him in a couple of months trying to get into K-pop, considering a tribal-tattoo and trying to understand the language his new 17-18 year old girlfriend and her friends use, dyeing his hair, worrying about his dad-bod into slim-fit clothes and the ever-receding hairline.

But know what MayLove? It won’t matter.
Your future happiness should never be based on his misery.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
You want him to be a reliable and sensible co-parent that will work with you on sensible and agreed on parenting issues, but other than that I don’t see you dropping off for coffee or inviting the new couple over for dinner.

I think you are correct in ignoring his messages, but I would also be OK with you telling him directly that since you two are divorcing he has lost any right or privilege to pry into your personal life and your actions.

Are you getting legal advice along the way? I see you are applying for a job. Would that in any way limit his liability in providing spousal support or child support? I strongly suggest you take all actions strategically.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/25/2020 04:57 AM

Hey,

I haven’t got any advice to give,
I just wanted to say how remarkably strong you are after reading your story,
how you have dealt with & continue dealing with this disgusting man child dating an actual child is a testament to your strength,

If you were my friend/sister/daughter I would be so proud of you.

You rock..Stay strong 💪

MayLove posted 11/25/2020 15:28 PM

@Bigger:

... dyeing his hair, worrying about his dad-bod into slim-fit clothes and the ever-receding hairline.

So funny... he shaved of the sides of his hair... unfortunately I haven't seen it... but my parents told me he's looking like a teenager now and it's super funny. He's started smoking now and is trying to lose weight. Wonder how long he'll be able to keep that up.


Your future happiness should never be based on his misery.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

I hope I'll come to this point... better sooner than later. I'm still not there.. and yes, I know all these horrible things he did to me. My head's telling me: How stupid can you be for crying over this kind of person.

Are you getting legal advice along the way? I see you are applying for a job. Would that in any way limit his liability in providing spousal support or child support? I strongly suggest you take all actions strategically.

I certainly do. A lot of things to consider... but right now I have to concentrate on regulation the contact he gets with our child. Not easy. But I'm on it.

@BigBlueEyes

If you were my friend/sister/daughter I would be so proud of you.

Thank you so much! Hearing this makes me smile. I often feel so weak. Like I've lost complete control of my life and everything I had. And being replaced by a 17-year-old doesn't help.
So thank you!

MayLove posted 11/26/2020 14:07 PM

I'm getting individual therapy now, to work through all of those things that happened.
Had two sessions up until now and she doesn't let me talk about what happened! I mean I told her the rough details... but we are only talking about things that I should be doing for myself.. All about the present. And I wonder does this make sense? I mean shouldn't we be talking about the past to work through this and then start with what's in the present and future? Anyone has experience with that?

The1stWife posted 11/26/2020 16:46 PM

And being replaced by a 17-year-old doesn't help.

You ARE NOT being replaced. No one can replace you. Never.

You are bring forced to watch a sh$tshow led by a guy with a mid life crisis on his hands. He’s acting out thinking he’s “a happening kinda guy” (stole that from The Brady Bunch movie).

He’s making a foot of himself. He’s beholden to a 17 year old who will drop him sooner rather than later. As long as he has $ and a good time waiting she’s in for the ride. Do you think she’s going to stick around and work to pay the bills? Do you think she’s going to play house and cook and clean?

I would be $ within 6 months he’s crawling to you begging forgiveness. Asking to come home b/c he made a mistake.

Then who is being replaced? Him. Because you will never take him back just b/c little Miss Wonderful dumped him. He would need to do more than that to be considered husband material.

My H’s affair was a mid life crisis too. Apparently turning 50 (😳) is hard to handle. His OW was 20 years younger. He (snd she) thought they were going to pick up when I left the picture.

🤣 ROFLMAO

One, I was in much better shape (physically and mentally). She was a drama Queen. Serious drama Queen. Everything was an issue (I saw their emails).

Two, financially I would have made sure he had very little left after house expenses, alimony and child support. A one bedroom apartment would have been all they could afford.

Three, his friends were not going to welcome him and her with open arms. Most of the wives would have had no use for her. They would not have welcomed her and even my H admits that.

Fourth, their time together would be limited b/c my H was very involved with our kids. On weekends he would be taking off to continue to see them - with limited time to see her. She’d be sitting in the sidelines so to speak.

Replace me? Hell no. Never going to happen.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:59 PM, November 26th (Thursday)]

MayLove posted 11/27/2020 14:54 PM

@The1stWife

You ARE NOT being replaced. No one can replace you. Never.

Do you think she’s going to stick around and work to pay the bills? Do you think she’s going to play house and cook and clean?

I would be $ within 6 months he’s crawling to you begging forgiveness. Asking to come home b/c he made a mistake.

My H’s affair was a mid life crisis too. Apparently turning 50 (😳 is hard to handle. His OW was 20 years younger. He (snd she) thought they were going to pick up when I left the picture.

Never saw it from this side... thank you for enlighten me!!!
She will surely not stick around... actually I don't think he will ever find someone better fitted than me concerning his debts and watching over his company. But that didn't matter to him.
Not that I wanted him to stay with me because of these facts.

He's too stubborn to crawl back... and he's afraid of my dad.
But oh how I'd love to see that happen.

Can I ask... how did it end with you H? Did he try to get back with you?
I admire how strong you are... have you been like that from the beginning since DDay or how long did it take you to get there?
(Would have written you a PM but I haven't reached that status yet.)

The1stWife posted 11/28/2020 16:10 PM

MayLove.

Thank you for your kind words.

I wasn’t here on SI during my H’s affair. I had to rely on my gut, common sense and street smarts. I made a ton of mistakes during his affair. Pick me dance. Trying to reason w/ him. Hoping he’d come to his senses. Believing his lies. Don’t supportive about his emotional mid life crisis.

Until dday2 - the day I found out he was still cheating while I worked my butt off to reconcile. I went go counseling. He refused.

He kept telling me for 6 months he wanted a D. I kept hoping he’d change his mind. I was a yo-yo. He wants a D. Then the next day he changes his mind. Two weeks later he wants a D. Then a day later he changes his mind.

Prior to that in our marriage I was very laid back. I was pretty much okay with most things and he took advantage of me. Showed up late all the time. I mean hours late. He would refuse to call. Traveled extensively for his job so I was home with kids etc. very often. Never complained.

Okay. It’s dday2. He walked in the door and demanded a D. 3 days earlier we went for marriage counseling and he swears he wants our marriage to work. Now he wants a D (yet again). I am devastated yet again.

However these last 6 months (since dday 1)I had been working on my plan B. Just in case. You never know right?

Hours later I decide to call the OW. It was a 3 minute conversation. I was very polite and just asked her what was going on. She told me they had been seeing each other. I said “thank you for being honest” and hung up.

I went downstairs and told him I knew everything. I spoke to the OW. He said he ended it earlier that evening and the Affair was over. He swore up and down he wanted to reconcile. I was very calm and rational. No yelling. No cursing. Just calm.

I was so angry I couldn’t speak.

Two days later I told him I had no choice but I was D him. I told him I had nothing left to give to this marriage and he was free to go and be with the OW or anyone else he wanted. Again 2 minute statement of fact, I did not give him a chance to speak and I left the room.

He’s begging to reconcile. Love bombing. The whole sh$tshow. Straight out of the cheater’s manual lol. I refuse. I told him he had to leave. He refused. So I made a phone call to a friend and told my H in 3 days you are leaving and going to a friend’s house. After that you are on your own. Figure it out.

Of course he’s now devastated. He never thought I would ever stand up to him. He thought I would let him come running back and all would be forgiven. He seriously underestimated me.

I then demanded a post-nup to even consider a reconciliation.

It took me six months to stop thinking every day I was Divorcing him. It took a year to stop thinking I was going to D him at least once a week.

He changed. He realized all he did and the damage he caused. He has seen over the last 7 years the trauma he created for us. He acknowledged all of it. While it was true he ended the affair hours before I told him I was D him, it didn’t matter. The damage was done. He said “divorce” one too many times. And in 25 years that word was never spoken.

However I could see immediately the changes he was making. I can tell you they are permanent. Not something he did for a few months but things he still does to this day. 7 years later.

He’s not the same lying cheating jerk he was. People can change. They just have to want to. And he wanted to.

We have a very different marriage now. I take no crap. Once I stood up to him I expected things to change or we would not stay together. I no longer do errands for him or his laundry. I don’t stress over his things - like his keys or wallet or did he remember to do things. That is all on him.

I now put myself first. I used to put everyone else first. Not any more. I have my own social life just for me. Things he’s not included in.

And I always have my plan B - money in the bank-just in case.

I realized his affair had nothing to do with me. It was his unhappiness and issues. While he blamed me for everything none of it was my fault. He just allowed his dissatisfaction with his life to spill over to our marriage. He realizes now his poor choices only complicated things. Typical mid life crises snd he thought an affair was the solution.


[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:00 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]

DevastatedDee posted 11/30/2020 14:57 PM

And being replaced by a 17-year-old doesn't help.

Oh girl please, he hasn't replaced anything. He has become a joke. He is making an ass out of himself in front of everyone. I assure you that he is the one who looks pathetic to people right now, not you.

My head's telling me: How stupid can you be for crying over this kind of person.

Well, you didn't marry a pathetic joke. You thought you married a grown man who loved you. This stuff plays havoc with your mind and heart. It gives you mental whiplash and it takes your heart time to catch up.

MayLove posted 12/7/2020 11:28 AM

So..........

I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed.
There are moments were I think: This is wrong... this isn't my husband. This isn't right.
And then I'm trying to draw back... but I can't keep it up that long... cause I MISS him.


Of course he knows about my story. And he knows that I'm not sure what I want. He gives me all the time I want. Let's me set the "rules".


During the day... when I'm alone or doing my normal chores... thoughts about my husband are being replaced by thoughts about this new man.
And I feel light

Bigger posted 12/7/2020 12:15 PM

Let’s just hope he’s older than 18…

All joking aside: Generally it’s good to give some time from ending one relationship before committing too hard to another. Tread carefully.

MayLove posted 12/7/2020 12:31 PM

Oh he sure is...

Totally agree with you. I definitely need time before committing to something new. But as long as he knows where I stand.. everything's good I think.

The1stWife posted 12/8/2020 01:30 AM

Ow what’s your plan for the cheater?

You know once he finds out about yiur new friend he’s going to lose it. He prepared. Have a planned response. Have a PLAN in case he shows up and tries to talk to you.

He may not want to be your H right now but he doesn’t want anyone rose to be interested in you either.

Be prepared for it. Have a very short response to him if you feel one is warranted. Don’t engage in his drama or game.

Silence can be just as effective too. Or something like “my personal life is no longer your concern b/c you have not been acting like my H for “X” number of months”. Nothing more.

Time to set some boundaries. And get a lawyer.

MayLove posted 12/8/2020 07:13 AM

Ow what’s your plan for the cheater?
You know once he finds out about yiur new friend he’s going to lose it. He prepared. Have a planned response. Have a PLAN in case he shows up and tries to talk to you.

He may not want to be your H right now but he doesn’t want anyone rose to be interested in you either.

Be prepared for it. Have a very short response to him if you feel one is warranted. Don’t engage in his drama or game.

Silence can be just as effective too. Or something like “my personal life is no longer your concern b/c you have not been acting like my H for “X” number of months”. Nothing more.

Time to set some boundaries. And get a lawyer.

Puh... I actually didn't think about it. You really think he will care?
Shouldn't he be busy with his girlfriend and not concerned for what I'm doing?

I don't know.

I'm trying to stay out off his radar. We'll see...


Got a lawyer and she's on it... divorce can be final in August next year.

The1stWife posted 12/8/2020 14:22 PM

Yes I do think he will care. This is what my H did. He yo-yo’d me for months. I’d start to distance myself and he would make an effort to rope me back in. Once he succeeded then he’d become distant again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Just please be prepared for it. That’s all I’m suggesting. You don’t know at what point Little Miss Teenager will dump him. And he may just decide to come crawling back to you. Like nothing happened.

Just be ready for it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:02 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

Trapped74 posted 12/11/2020 16:48 PM

Please PLEASE wait for legal separation or divorce before proceeding to date anyone else. Don't add any variables to an already tumultuous situation. You need to have your head on straight to protect yourself and your child during the next few months. New relationships have a tendency to take over our brains (look no further than your own STBXWH). You need to be sharp and cut-throat to get what YOU DESERVE out of this divorce. Being all goo-goo for a new guy may lead to you settling for less just to be done with it.

AND, just to play devil's advocate: let's say (please no!) that you somehow decide to reconcile. Then you'd have this weirdness (beyond his douchebaggery) of your own to try to unpack.

Just play it smart and patient. Let him continue to be a fuckup in public while you maintain saintliness. Then when it's all over, you can have ALL the guilt- and baggage-free fun you deserve!

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