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Adjusting to less human touch

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Westway posted 1/18/2021 13:30 PM

Definitely the hardest part of dis-entangling myself from my xWW was the lack of physical affection. I used to enjoy walking into the kitchen and kissing her on the neck, or her coming up to me while I was shaving and wrapping her arms around me for a morning hug. I missed those simple expressions.

And not having someone to hold at night in bed?... That was tough. My xWW and I used to spoon and keep each other warm. I slept better. It took me a long time to learn to sleep without a bed partner.

Westway posted 1/18/2021 13:33 PM


I had a very lonely marriage. My husband slept in another room, touch was rare. He refrained from getting close to me. He voluntarily kissed me twice in 10 years. I did get the occasional hug. Kinda like back slapping.

I can't imagine that. I don't understand people who dislike physical touch wanting to get married. Why did your xWH even marry you if he wasn't going to revel in touching and caressing you? It just boggles my mind.

silverhopes posted 1/18/2021 21:22 PM

Neanderthal and Tallgirl - thank you for saying that wanting human touch is nothing to be ashamed of.

7 mile run, Neanderthal?? Holy monkeys, thatís awesome! Enjoy those runner endorphins!

Tallgirl, Iím sorry your xH deprived you of physical affection. It is beyond lonely when youíre with someone, the only person youíre supposed to share that with, and they wonít and wonít even try. It is so isolating.

Maybe as it gets safer, Iíll find other people who have been missing human touch too. No idea where one finds other people like that, but Iím sure itíll get easier. Just gotta be careful.

countrydirt posted 1/20/2021 11:20 AM

I have a couple of friends who are in similar situations. We decided that hugging just has to be a part of our friendship from now on. Not necessarily the sensual kinds, just ordinary long hugs.One friend and I gave each other foot rubs and leg massages (she actually is a massage therapist) and that helped as well.

Pandemic has certainly effed up the ability to just get out and connect for more physical activity, but with a few friends, hopefully I can weather through this season of life.

20yrsagoBS posted 1/20/2021 13:39 PM

This likely is of no help

I actually enjoy the lack of touch.

No more wondering if heís daydreaming of some skank while touching me

No more concern that I am being lied to

Tallgirl posted 1/20/2021 18:23 PM

West way,

He was angry with me. Really angry. And he had started cheating so he was getting his physical touch needs fulfilled. I was no longer the love of his life, I was the evil wife who didnít love him enough I guess.

We couldnít get enough of each other in the really early M years. That feels unreal

Queen posted 1/20/2021 20:58 PM

Physical touch is very important to me. Some things that I've done to cope:

Heated mattress pad. I turn it on several hours before bedtime so that I never crawl into a cold bed.

Weighted blanket. When I'm feeling anxious or lonely, it helps a lot.

Casual sex. I know that's controversial but the first year after my divorce, there wasn't a lack of attention or touch. (My divorce was a long drawn out process so I did spend over a year alone and not dating). I don't regret it at all. I learned a lot about myself and what I really want from a partner. It may not be the right approach for some people but it was right for me.


My dog. He sleep with me and while he doesn't always snuggle...I love it when he does.

steadychevy posted 1/21/2021 07:32 AM

One of the five love languages is physical touch. My top two love languages are tied being physical touch and words of affirmation. Physical touch is very important to me.

I have a dog, a house cat, outdoor cats. The cattle aren't cuddly. A few friends that hug. Daughters and grandchildren that hug.

That is all good. However, it doesn't replace the cuddles, snuggles, the hand on the shoulder or back for no reason other than to touch from someone you love intimately. We "spooned" for 35 years before DDay. Casual sex is out for me. Always has been. I was a virgin before my now XWW.

I've lived and slept alone now for over 3 years and the 4 years preceding were less than comforting. I don't have an answer to the question. Even though me being comfortable it would be nice to have someone for touch, quiet time, sharing and loving. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone because I don't want someone just to have someone, if you know what I mean.

I'm comfortable with myself. It would

Shehawk posted 1/25/2021 09:13 AM

My heart breaks for the decent people in this thread who married cheaters.

Part of the abuse I lived with was that the chex (cheating ex) withheld touch while choosing to have sex with himself and porn. Not what I signed up for in a marriage.

My (supposedly our) spiritual beliefs and agreement with eachother was sexual exclusivity in our supposedly one woman one man marriage. In the review mirror it looks like that was a complete lie from the beginning. But I digress.

I think that grown adults can meet eachother when one or both are walking out of pretty dreadful similar agreements and offer eachother the gift of healthy touch with boundaries that fit within each other's spiritual beliefs.

I personally do not do well with an open or casual situation so I don't do that. I did choose to agree to a small covid pod that includes a man I met long after the husband abandoned me. We are very honest with eachother and maintain boundaries appropriate for my current married (on paper only but married none the less) status.

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