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Headed for divorce

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TheThunderRolls posted 12/23/2020 11:03 AM

Iíll post the details in a little while. But it looks like I have a failed R and will be getting divorced in the new year. There hasnít been anymore cheating that Iím aware of, it just seems as though things are coming to an end. I wish I could say Iím surprised but have had a gut feeling all along that my marriage would not survive infidelity. When I first found out, I knew it was a dealbreaker but figured I would try everything possible to make it work. I should have just left on D Day. WH has not done the work & doesnít seem himself as having any issues. I of course am the problem. I could really use some support right now. My heart is breaking into pieces.

leafields posted 12/23/2020 11:10 AM


So sorry you are hurting. You did what you could, but it takes two to get through the R process. It sounds like he wasn't R material, and is blaming you.

EllieKMAS posted 12/23/2020 11:19 AM

Sending hugs and positive juju your way. It sucks when the ws refuses to work on things, but at least you can rest easier knowing you did everything you could. And check my tagline - no girl, you are NOT the problem!

Divorce is really hard, but once you're clear of things, I promise things get better. Getting free of my cheating xwh is the best thing I've done in years - my life is so much more peaceful and content now than it was when I was trying to do R with him and getting no help. You'll get there too!

Chili posted 12/23/2020 11:40 AM

We got you TTR.

First - it just plain sucks. It's sad and anxiety inducing and for me - the hardest thing was the injustice of it all.

You've taken a huge brave step in recognizing you just can't do this any more. Maybe you should have left on Dday, but maybe if you did, you should have stayed to make sure it wouldn't work? The problem in both parts of that sentence is the word *should.* You did what you thought you needed to do at the time, and that is always the right thing. There's no race to see who gets to divorce first.

I'm sorry you have one who just couldn't do the work - I have walked in your shoes on that front. It messes with your heart and self-worth.

Keep posting as you need to - the time between knowing I was done and the legal documents being signed was one of my most difficult.

What one little thing can you do for yourself in the next day or two? Maybe a drive to a beautiful place just for an "away" moment? A stroll out in nature? Cooking a special food? A long soaky bath? Numbing out with a show? Whatever it is - I hope you do a something something for yourself.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/23/2020 12:33 PM

I thought he was R material at first. Now I look back in hindsight it was all just love bombing & HB, All that changed was he is no longer cheating. WH couldnít even be bothered to read How to help your spouse heal from an affair. The absolute bare minimum. It makes me sick for my two DD that will suffer because of selfish decisions. Iím trying to hold things together as to not ruin Christmas for my children.

Thank you for the kind words & support. I have a hair & nail appointment so Iíll be pampering myself for the rest of the day.

tushnurse posted 12/23/2020 13:47 PM

TTR- Good on you fo realizing he isn't giving the effort that is needed to rebuild and move forward.

I have to reinforce for a successful R it really truly takes both partners putting in 150% effort to get to a happy healthy normal. It is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the trauma that led up to difficult path left scars for sure.

So you do you, be good to you like your are. Focus on loving yourself, get you all the support you need. Then when you have a clear path planned take action, if you haven't already.

((((And Strength))))

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2020 13:47 PM

TTR, so sorry you've come to this point. It's heartbreaking to let go of the dream when they didn't even try.

I don't know if you've read Cheating in a Nutshell but it gave me a lot of comfort by explaining why infidelity was a dealbreaker that nearly no one can surmount.

Good for you getting some pampering. Take some comfort in knowing you're modeling healthy self-care and boundaries for your daughters. You showing them what not to accept.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/23/2020 15:00 PM

You are obviously strong and brave and a devoted mom. As the others have said, you will feel better when clear of this mess. My H was also not able/willing/desiring to repair any of the damage. And in hindsight I also realized that the A was always a deal breaker for me, but took me a year to get to that point.

And of course your heart is broken. But it will be repaired when you are clear of the cheater, and your DD will benefit from that.

Keep taking care of you, get your ducks lined up, and know that you did all that you could. And now it is time to cut bait.


fareast posted 12/23/2020 17:07 PM


You have done remarkably well. Your WH puts on a good show but he has not been willing to do the hard work. Humility is absolutely a necessary attribute and he doesnít have it. I have followed your posts and this has been a continuing problem.

Are you still graduating from grad school in February? A nice time to turn the page and begin a new life. Strength to you moving forward and for your children as well. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:08 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday)]

TheThunderRolls posted 12/24/2020 08:00 AM

Leafields- you are spot on. He blames the marriage and me instead of looking into why his defective character allowed him to do such an abusive thing.

Ellie- so much word. He is the problem. He decided his dick was more important than me and our girls.

Chili & Tush - Iíve gotten to the point Iím just DONE. Even if he tries to do the work now, itís too late.

Skeeter- thank you for recommending the book, I will definitely read it!

BB- thank you for the kind words.

Far East- you are very observant & hit the nail on the head. He puts on a good show but doesnít have what it takes to look within himself to see he has issues. I do graduate in February. Whether I find a job in that field with everything going on remains to be seen.

WH told me to stay off these damn forums & then also said and I quote, there is no point in reading HTHYSHFAA because itís common sense & all it will say is to be patient and understanding. 🙄 His problem is that he is very smart, but has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.

He has noticed that Iím just done and of course is trying the song and dance again. He will eventually realize what he had, what he lost and that he only has himself to blame. Too little to late. Even if he does the work now, it wonít be enough.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/25/2020 08:47 AM

Well after my post yesterday, Iím back on the emotional roller coaster. The dreams we planned together are hard to let go of. WH is hard to let go of. I say Iím done but sometimes I donít feel like it. I felt so strong when I created this topic now Iím not so sure. Iím going to get into IC to help me work thru all of my feelings. Iíve been trying to deal with everything on my own by reading these forums & books. I finally told my sister whatís going on. I had a lot of shame, humiliation and anger. She also pointed out some hard truths. I sounded ridiculous and stupid when I explained everything to her. Dumb for trying to make things work with someone who has treated me like garbage. The excuses I was making, saying them out loud sounded ludicrous. Itís hard to let go of 23 years history and the father of my children and my family unit. 😟 I also havenít cried so much since thinking about this. It almost as bad as DDay.

[This message edited by TheThunderRolls at 8:50 AM, December 25th (Friday)]

DanielJK posted 12/25/2020 09:09 AM


I'm here with you. Served papers to my wife on the 23rd after false R.

Similar to you I'm not sure I could have made it through R anyway.

I have the book cheating in a nutshell if you want it. I'll send it to you if you like, just PM me.

I think we are similar. We were together 24 years, 2 DDs. I am mostly sad about the dreams we had together and the shared experiences with our DDs that are now going to be missed. I want her out of my site one minute, then I want to hug her and kiss her and beg her to stay with me. It's so hard to let go.

I feel for you. I'm the same way I think...very sentimental, missing the good days of the past. I'm going to have a hard time moving forward.

I'll be moving over to this forum now...I'm way beyond "just found out." I'm now on to "just get me out."

I'm so sorry this happened to you. A new normal will emerge (that's what I'm told anyway).

EllieKMAS posted 12/25/2020 10:09 AM

TTR, it's okay to be in a mess about it. Divorce is hard and it's scary. Even when it's the best choice, it's still hard.

I can tell you for my 0.02, choosing to D was a very difficult decision. I dealt with an unremorseful asshat too. But getting free of him, getting free of his drama and his bullshit and his lying was the best thing I ever did. And my life has done nothing but improve since he left it.

Please don't stay stuck with someone who isn't capable of fixing their shit. It isn't worth it imho. You deserve peace.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/25/2020 10:51 AM

Daniel- I would love to read the book. Iím
Not sure how to PM?

Ellie- OBS has emails that I havenít read. He offered them to me a year & 1/2 ago and I declined. Declining them has haunted me til this very day. If I had them maybe it would be the final straw I need to move on. I also fear that reaching out to OBS will invite AP back into my life & make my WH angry. Whenever I try to bring things up, he keeps asking why Iím picking the wound. Iím not sure what to do on this front. As far as I know AP & her OBS are still married. He might not appreciate hearing from me if heís trying to move on with his life. 😟 my DD is 15 and sees whatís going on and wants me to divorce WH. She does not know about the cheating, only the way he speaks to me at times. The audacity he has to do so is astounding at times. Yet, here I am still putting up with it. 🙄

EllieKMAS posted 12/25/2020 11:29 AM

If you're haunted by that, then reach out and get the emails if you can.

The blow that killed pete with mine... It was right after we'd separated and I had to put my dog down. Xdouche wanted to come with to offer "support". He was on his fucking phone the whole time. Well later that night he went out to dinner and left his phone charging at the house. I snooped and found out that the whole time we were at the vet while I was saying goodbye to my 16 yo best friend, my xshithead was sexting and getting tit pics from ap #2 (that I knew of). It just.... I felt that switch flip in my soul. That this is who he was and he was never going to change. Finding that killed the last fuck I had for him. And I'm so glad it did because it made my decision to move forward with the D a lot less full of angst.

And yeah cheaters say some super dumbass stuff. How dare you have hurt from the wound HE inflicted? The audacity.

OwningItNow posted 12/25/2020 16:00 PM

I could not have pursued D and stuck with it without the guidance and continual support of a good IC. The IC helped me not to fall for one kind word and then allow weeks of pain and dismissal. She helped me to overcome shameful guilt about valuing my own needs and feelings which started with my narcissistic mother in childhood. She helped me see that I would always have my dignity and my own self and would never be alone like I feared. She helped me walk away instead of listening to false accusations and gas lighting from the selfish people who dominated my life (including my WS) who were just like my mother.

A good IC helps you see how you are getting in your own way and keeping yourself stuck and in pain. Good luck to you, TheThunderRolls.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/27/2020 12:37 PM

WH and I had some very good and honest discussions all day yesterday. I called him out on blaming me, the marriage etc and told him his lack of humility prevents him from looking beyond other people to see that he is the one with deep rooted issues. I have known this all along, he suffered verbal and physical abuse as a child. He has carried the verbal abuse over into his entire life. Itís why all of his exís left him in the past. He self destructs and self sabotages everything. Nothing is ever good enough no matter who the person is. Even if itís not me, the next girl he would be like this with. He has admitted this. He has an empty void within him that he cannot fill. He also admitted to being a lost cause and compared himself to a killer pit bull. Puppies donít start off as killers then are trained that way & once they are killers they never go back. He thinks he will end up old and alone because he pushes everyone away before they can do it to him. He has admitted to pushing me away because he thinks I would be happier & better off without him. I told him he needs IC to work thru his issues and that I am starting IC to work thru my anger, and all the feelings that come along with being betrayed. Iím also going to IC to see what Fíed up childhood issues I have that allows me to stay in the situation Iím in. I donít deserve it, I know I deserve better & I need to figure out what it is inside of me that allows it to continue. Hereís to a new, healthier me in 2021. What happens to my marriage remains to be seen but for now Iím focusing on ME.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/27/2020 13:12 PM

TTRó great! I used IC to also help me find my internal strength to get out of a toxic marriage and am still exploring why I stayed, why I allowed so much (not the A, but overall disrespect and lack of support), and how to move forward on my own true path.

You got this, TTR.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/27/2020 13:25 PM

BB- Congratulations for getting out! I know everyone is different but how long were you in therapy for once you decided to get out?

EllieKMAS posted 12/27/2020 13:34 PM

Smh. My xdouche was the same. But... I suffered emotional and mental abuse too. I don't act abusive to others. I don't use that as an excuse to be a horrible person. I get foo issues, but there comes a point when you have to deal with them like an adult and not let them dictate who you are.

I had a similar convo with mine at the end. That unless he got serious about fixing his shit, he was facing a lonely life of expecting others to make him happy and never finding it. It's pitiable really.

Glad you are working on you. You are more deserving of the effort ttr!

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