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Headed for divorce

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siracha posted 12/28/2020 09:17 AM

Great decision to just focus on yourself , he has already told you he is a predatory violent animal and i think you already know you have to leave . He might be capable of self pity and physical affection but he isnt capable of being a partner just a threat.
Your therapist will help you unlock the best way to get out so you can be done with this shit show and show your daughter that you can protect yourself and her .
The only thing more valuable than love is time , dont waste any more of your life signing up to shovel his endless shit . It helps if you stop talking to him and withdraw contact in small but deliberate steps .


TheThunderRolls posted 12/28/2020 12:15 PM

^^^ spot on. Iíve been twisting myself into a pretzel to make things work without the same effort in return. Iím tired of it. Iíve given so much effort over the years only to be betrayed by the one person who was supposed to protect me. He has always known I would leave if he cheated and yet he did it anyway. It goes against everything I believe in. I was always more into him than he was me. Itís heartbreaking to invest so much time into someone only to be thrown away like trash, then on top of it being blamed for the selfish decisions. My mind knows what I need to do, itís just a matter of my heart catching up.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/29/2020 10:10 AM

So Iíve had the conversation of fixing your shit again yesterday. He says Iím worth it. The problem is heís not showing I am. He still hasnít read a book nor has he taken the initiative to make an IC appt. I had to remind him to check into our insurance to see if itís covered. Iím starting regardless. His actions show how much heís really into fixing himself. He has self pity and knows heís messed up but is not willing to do the hard work to fix his broken self. Itís almost like why even bother? Itís annoying and I feel like Iím well beyond worth the effort.

EllieKMAS posted 12/29/2020 10:28 AM

He says Iím worth it. The problem is heís not showing I am. He still hasnít read a book nor has he taken the initiative to make an IC appt.
Talk is cheap. Anyone can say the 'right' words. But talk with no action is just hot air. My xwh was okay at saying the right things, but like yours, he never put his money where his mouth was. Mine read books after dday - on how to live a poly lifestyle, but never one on how to fix what he broke with his wife.

It sounds like yours is like mine was. And the conclusion that I eventually came to is that if he wasn't even willing to TRY to fix things - which yes, means making IC appts, reading books, listening to podcasts, joining SI, anything - then he didn't have in him what it would take for R.

KatieKat posted 12/29/2020 10:34 AM

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It changes when YOU get out.

siracha posted 12/29/2020 10:49 AM

You are completely right , your heart which is a sweet trusting loving heart needs to catch up with his head .
He is a predator looking for someone to prey on , predators dont catch prey by saying Ē im going to be a terrible partner/ im going to ruin your life/ im going to make you miserable ď etc
They say ď im going to try /i love you /i can change /give me a chance /dont leave me / i cant live without youĒ
All lies . All deceit . He has Nothing but more damage to offer you
I know its hard but you have to be one hundred percent on your side and one hundred percent against him .
Detach detach detach girl friend

TheThunderRolls posted 12/29/2020 11:20 AM

Ellie- How did you go about doing that? What steps did you take to get yourself out?

My oldest DD will understand. My younger one will not and I think she will have a really difficult time getting thru it.

Katie- I know, youíre not telling me anything I donít know. Itís very difficult to let go.

Siracha- thank you for your words of wisdom. I can totally see more damage, I just donít know if I have the strength to get thru D. I honestly donít know how I survived infidelity besides relying on God.

On a side note my sister, whom I love dearly gave me the worst possible advice ever. Get high & screw someone else. I was like wtf??? She needs therapy too & is in the middle of a nasty divorce.

[This message edited by TheThunderRolls at 11:40 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/29/2020 12:25 PM

Ellie- How did you go about doing that? What steps did you take to get yourself out?
I know it isn't a satisfying answer, but I got done when I got done. I tried to save my M, but the more time that went by with no tangible action on his part, the more I realized that I just couldn't (and did not want to) live like that. I didn't want to waste more time and effort on someone who was not worth it.

I had it relatively easy in the D - we don't have kids, no shared assets, and he didn't fight me on anything. But once I decided that I was done, I didn't waste time in questioning myself either. I got filed and D'd in 90 days. Blocked his ass and have never looked back, except for where I need to to work on my healing.

Just my 0.02, but if he can't even bother to read a book, you're kind of dead in the water. R takes incredible effort on both sides (more so on the WS side imho) so if he isn't even willing to make the smallest effort, you don't really have much to work with.

Divorce is a scary word and when you're still in the limbo camp, it is downright terrifying. I remember that. But D is not the end of the world.

Phoenix1 posted 12/29/2020 12:28 PM

It IS hard, and not easy. It will take time for your heart to catch up to your head. Just keep taking baby steps, knowing you will stumble along the way (we all have at some point), and you will get there. Emotional detachment is the goal.

In addition to your faith, find strength in your kids. They need at least one stable, supportive parent in their life that sets a good example for them. This will teach them to have strong boundaries, integrity, self-respect, and when to walk away from a toxic partner. When you hold your head high in spite of the searing pain you feel in your heart, they are watching, and learning. It may be tough in the beginning, but over time they will understand. Talk with them honestly (in an age appropriate way) without gory details or bashing their father, and always answer their questions honestly that will inevitably come out over time as they grow and process things.

Your actions now will be teaching them what to do should they ever end up in a similar situation down the road. Find strength in doing something so powerful for your kids in spite of how much it hurts you emotionally.

We have a saying around here - when they show you who they are, believe them. He is showing you he is not R material through his actions, and actions ALWAYS trump cheap, hollow words. Always.

Just remember, nothing changes until it changes. Lean on us. We'll walk with you through the storm.

siracha posted 12/29/2020 18:39 PM

I promise you will one hundred percent survive divorce and i also promise you will look back and wonder why you didnt divorce sooner
Take tiny Baby steps , get used to doing things alone , start the 180 , continue therapy talk to lawyers step up the exercise and prayers,
The first year is weird then you find your groove. . Break it into 3 mnth ďsemestersĒ and set a task per semester , redecorating, kick boxing , learning a new skill .etc. make it a fun year with multiple achievable goals .
You and your sister and could even buddy system it ( she might have to grow up a little first :))

TheThunderRolls posted 12/30/2020 07:47 AM

Ellie- what exercises did IC give you to help give you the strength to D. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment online with IC & they are supposed to call me back later today after verifying my insurance. Iíve always had a phobia of doctors and get very nervous going. What should I expect on my first visit?

Phoenix- you post made me cry. Thank you everyone for helping me get thru this.

Siracha- thank you for saying that. When WH and were being honest with each other he asked me to change a few things and I thought to myself, how the F dare he ask me to change? Just so next time he can move the lines again and say oh this is why I talk to you like crap. WTF. The audacity this man has. He should be doing everything in his power to get me not your leave and should never complain for the rest of the marriage after all he has put me thru. Then in the same breath he goes on to say Iím the perfect wife and the self pity starts but does nothing about it. This forum has made me wake up and realize hard truths.

I do not want him to start posting on this forum. While itís so helpful, this is my safe haven & do not want to give him access to any future actions I will be taking.

Itís IC or nothing.

demolishedinside posted 12/30/2020 08:04 AM

TTR, getting to the point where you are ready takes some time. We hold on to good memories, and yes, history. But for me, the cheating and the lack of peace was just too much. I lived in constant fight or flight. Once I made the decision and he moved our, I finally FINALLY had peace. My therapist said she was surprised how quickly And noticeably I became calm and peaceful. I am not ever going to say it was easy. Yes, I cried. Yes, I grieved. Mostly, I felt and feel bad for my kids. But ultimately, I chose me. I CHOSE ME. In a life when I certainly felt no one else had, it was about damn time. I have scars but I am Indeed happier than I have ever been. I feel joy. It is possible and damn it, we all deserve it.

TheThunderRolls posted 12/30/2020 09:24 AM

Iím seriously wanting to rip my hair out. Iím on the phone with the IC scheduling an appointment. I text WH if he wants me to schedule one for him. He says no thanks. And I asked why not? He said he doesnít think he needs it & that heís had an epiphany these past few days & my pep talks have helped a lot. I replied to him he needs to fix the damage his step father did to him and he needs to fix the void with in himself and that if he cannot do that, heís not serious about making our marriage work. His reply: and besides I want to see what they tell you first and how you feel afterwards. I have a feeling they are going to try to convince you that youíll never be happy unless you leave. Oh and then the conversation gets even better, apparently statistics show that this wonít work and that TikTok, effing TikTok says heís toxic. I told him he is all talk and no action. He needs to fix his shit. Iím going very hard on him and he says stop being pissed Iím not giving up. I told him how Iím the only one doing anything to make this work and that he canít even be bothered to read an effing book and then instead of dealing with his issues he avoids them. I told him heís blowing smoke up my ass. So he asks me for the book name again. I donít respond. Heís a smart guy he can figure it out if he wants to. Itís unbelievabley hurtful that he wonít look inside himself to see he is the edging problem!!!!

Argh!!!!

[This message edited by TheThunderRolls at 10:48 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 12/30/2020 11:53 AM

Oh honey he is pressing buttons that have long been installed by none other than himself.

STOP. Just STOP. Stop taking on his burden of him doing his work. Stop trying to take care of him. Stop.

Focus on you, your needs, your kids their needs. Do it consistently for 30 days, and then look up and see what he is up to. If he really truly gets it he will have his head down doing his work. If not then you are 30 days closer to truly detaching and getting yourself healthier.

EllieKMAS posted 12/30/2020 12:17 PM

Ellie- what exercises did IC give you to help give you the strength to D. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment online with IC & they are supposed to call me back later today after verifying my insurance. Iíve always had a phobia of doctors and get very nervous going. What should I expect on my first visit?
Unfortunately my therapy got sidelined with covid and shitty insurance. But I remember my first appt was just barfing up allllll the things about the cheating and such.

I didn't go to therapy because I needed someone else to give me the strength to divorce. And guess what... YOU don't either. Once I got done, then it was just a matter of taking the steps to get out. Change locks, get his crap out of my house, get the paperwork signed and filed... it was logistical at that point. Emotional too - it was hard, but getting free and clear of him lifted such a huge weight from my mind. Getting clear made the tears feel healing instead of soul-crushing.

And I second tush - stop holding his hand to make him be a grown-up. He figured out how to cheat all by his damn self, he can figure out how to grow the fuck up too. Not your job anymore ttr!

TheThunderRolls posted 12/30/2020 17:30 PM

Things came to a boiling point. WH likes to joke too much about D. And you know what they say about there being truth behind joking. He doesnít like me standing up for myself so it seems. He doesnít like my demands. I left the house for a drive because I canít handle his bullshit. Of course heís blowing up my phone saying we can work this out etc, please come home etc.

The1stWife posted 12/31/2020 03:18 AM

You are wasting your energy on the Wrong things.

Your posts have been about your CH ďnot reading the booksĒ and ďall talk no actionĒ and ďwe can work this outĒ and ďhis refusal to address his issuesĒ.

I would love to see where your posts are about you disengaging and NOT being dragged through the mud with his endless promises.

Counseling for you is 👍🏻 GREAT!!!!

Asking about an appointment for him is you STILL trying to drag him down the reconciliation path.

If your focus is 100% on you then you will get stronger and understand heís not your problem any longer. You cannot fix him. He wonít do anything he doesnít want to do.

He wonít read any book or go to counseling or commit to making amends. He is either too afraid or too arrogant or too lazy ó it doesnít really matter. The point is understanding you cannot get people to do what you want. They will only do what they want.

And if he reads a book b/c you insisted do you think it will be helpful or useful or change anything? Probably not.

My H acted the same way after dday 1. Funny how when I told him I was D him after dday2 he changed his tune. He quickly realized I no longer cared what he said or did. I was leaving him because of him and his poor choices and disrespect he showed me.

Iím not saying threaten D. Only say D if you mean it and are prepared to go through with it.

Realize you need to be your own priority. You need to make changes so you no longer deal with this drama and repeated ďsmokeĒ you see him blowing at you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:21 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

TheThunderRolls posted 12/31/2020 07:27 AM

The1stwife- WH is very arrogant yet suffers from low self esteem at the same time, as odd as that sounds. Last night he broke something inside of me. He told me he didnít think I was the one. That literally hurt worse than DD. I hit rock bottom and could not get up off the floor for 2 hours. Pathetic I know. Looking at him just hurts too much now. My first IC appt is 1/8. Older DD begged me to take her if I leave and my younger DD put a concert on for me to make me feel better. Iím finding my strength thru them & am starting a hard 180. I started it last night & now my phone is blowing up. Iím not letting myself get to that point last night ever again. Iím also using this forum as sort of a journal so one day I can look back and see how far Iíve come.

[This message edited by TheThunderRolls at 9:24 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

TheThunderRolls posted 12/31/2020 10:50 AM

All while Iím at work, WH is on the phone with his sister for 2 hours & she told him she thinks we need a 30 day separation. I feel like if this happens, itís over. Thatís so very hard to accept.

EllieKMAS posted 12/31/2020 11:35 AM

I know how S/D can feel like the end of the world. When I finally got to that point with mine, it felt like I was dying.

But some really neat things started happening in very short order. I started to have days where my focus could actually be on me. I started sleeping better. I stopped feeling like my heart was going to beat of my chest. My appetite returned. I was able to focus on a book, a movie, a tv show. I started holding my head higher without having to try. My soul started feeling lighter and more at peace. I felt more empowered and less beaten down. I laughed more and easier.

When I was in the throes of 'saving my marriage' (which was beyond saving the whole time I tried btw, though I didn't want to accept that), alllll of my mental energy was on him. Is he doing [fill in the blank]? Is he talking to another AP? Is he going to read this book/make an IC appt/give a fuck?? My entire being was SO focused on him and watching what he was doing that I literally had no energy to spare a thought for MYSELF.

Your focus should be on YOU first right now. Then on your girls. If any thoughts are for him, they should be pretty far down that list. I know that is so much easier said than done, but once you get a little freedom from the constant focusing/worrying/wondering about him, you will seriously wonder why you wasted all that energy on someone who is not worth it - and a ws who refuses to even try to fix things is NOT worth it at all.

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