"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Muggle posted 12/28/2020 20:29 PM

Like Godzilla from the fog, he flees from his 2.5 year marriage across the US, from the woman of his dreams toward the woman he abandoned to be with her.

Surprise, surprise, he's getting a divorce, and she lead him down the primrose path. She's left him broke, with a collapsing business, while he put tens of thousands of dollars into the business in her name. Now he has to fight her as she is in control.

He's in a room to rent and moved back to the same town, about 14 miles from me.

He reached out and asked for help with the business so it won't collapse. My money is still tied to his for another 2 years, so it's not in my best interests to let it collapse.

He arrives in town, asks to see me. I met him, we talked about the business, what she had done, and he took me to dinner. He said all the things a narc says. He told me he missed me, that he made a mistake and that he never appreciated what he had. He was just looking for his white picket fence and love.

Skipping past the obvious bullshit that I suspected he was spewing. He asked me for a kiss. Before I thought about it I let him kiss me, and then pulled away. He told me it was the best kiss he's had in 2+ years. I knew that to be a lie.

He continued to pursue me for several weeks, visiting with the kids, taking me to dinners as friends. He spoke about his soon to be ex wife, the same way I expect he talked about me.

I always felt guarded, and I allowed him to come over for Thanksgiving. I felt sorry for this miserable excuse of a human being. I was misguided and my first extinct was correct.

I think I found some closure that I needed, but I was strangely drawn to being around him, even though my common sense told me he was not someone I wanted in my life. It was like seeing an old friend, that I hadn't seen in a long time.

It might have been because he spoke about her in such a tone that it somehow made me feel vindicated that he hated her now more than he hated me.

I kept him at arms length, as he made it clear he would sleep with me if I gave him any indication I was game. I mentioned to him that he's married still, why is he making a pass at me. He gave some excuse that he's only married on paper, and he doesn't consider himself still married to her now that he left.

One night he was out with his friends, and my phone rings at 11pm. I didn't answer it. I figured he was lonely, and I'm not his call girl. He was trying to get me on the phone for his benefit, and I'm not interested.

Fast forward and one day he tells me he wants a monogamous relationship where both people only sleep with each other. He follows it up by saying that he won't hurt me, he knows I don't trust him, and that he won't disappoint me. He tells me we can tell people or keep it secret and he will take me to nice places and hotels if I don't want the kids to know.

I was offended, and turned him down. He wanted to know why I don't have passion for him, and that he wants me.

This is why you must keep your guard up! While he was trying to romance me, he reconnected with some woman he met 3 years ago.

FIVE days after I turned him down, he took her to a wine tasting, and spent $900, plus bought her $130 worth of flowers. Needless to say he didn't do those things while trying to "win" me, as he surely thought I would be easy prey.

I'm angry again.

I have no option but to help him with the business until it's stable. I'm helping him with his divorce paperwork out of self preservation. He said he will pay me $1000 for doing so. If I don't she will take what he has left and then I won't get paid.

Since he's been back he's been getting my payments caught up.

Christmas he gave me $200 and a gift card. He gave his kids $100 each. He bought the new victim about $500+ from what I can see in the financials.

When I asked him if he made the same offer to her that he did me, he balked. Of course not, I'm his favorite victim. He needed to woo her. He got mad and asked me if I was going to ruin it for him. He then threatened to move to another state. I told him I don't care if he does.

I wish he would move. He's already talking about moving to an apartment, which will obviously be closer to her. He spoke of moving 1.5 hours away again, stating that the kids really aren't that interested in him.

I guess he expected we would all roll out the red carpet for his return. He's good at running, and now so am I. I will run FROM him.

This proves to me that he's not capable of honest, deep change. He's a master manipulator, but this too shall end.

When he gets frustrated or mad he says I stole his house, I cheated him out of his house, and that his life was ruined and now he has nothing. I try not to engage, but one time I told him he would be living in his own house if he hadn't stuck his dick in someone else.

Vent over, I know he's not healthy. I know this isn't healthy for me to be involved with him in any capacity, but I don't want to lose the settlement money. I need it to have any retirement.

[This message edited by Muggle at 8:30 PM, December 28th (Monday)]

Chili posted 12/28/2020 20:43 PM

I really hate that you got sucked back into his bullshit.

Sigh.

(((Muggle)))

EllieKMAS posted 12/28/2020 20:45 PM

Muggle I was just thinking about you yesterday... Glad you're back.

And yes, he's a toxic piece of filth. You know that better than anyone. Is there any way you can get things settled without having to deal with him directly? I'm glad you knew what he was up to and didn't go there, but it's a slippery slope to be on and having any romantic dealings with him wouldn't end well for you.

I'm so sorry you are still having to do this dance with him.

The1stWife posted 12/28/2020 21:11 PM

Nothing has changed. You know that better than anyone.

He’s nothing more than a con artist. He just thinks he can bullshit everyone. And when you are smarter than him he reacts in anger and rage.

Typical.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/28/2020 21:25 PM

but I was strangely drawn to being around him, even though my common sense told me he was not someone I wanted in my life. It was like seeing an old friend, that I hadn't seen in a long time.

I disagree, it was like petting the rattlesnake that promised not to bite you...and then wham...poisoned by the bite.

He's not your friend nor has he ever been your friend....that's your brain tricking you.

My prayer for you is that soon you get to the spot where you do not interact with him in person. You either interact through email only or attorneys.

This never ends well and NEVER will end well for you and the kids.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:29 PM, December 28th (Monday)]

BigNoob posted 12/28/2020 21:44 PM

Just have the mindset that he will and always will be an atm. Only thing he is useful for is money and nothing else! I was mad for you that he expected you and the kids to welcome him with open arms

BearlyBreathing posted 12/28/2020 23:29 PM

((muggle)) shield up, dear lady! He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Keep a hawks eye on those financials.... he can’t be trusted .

Phoenix1 posted 12/29/2020 00:10 AM

Oh, Muggle! What you wrote is almost a perfect description of Xhole and me.

After his last OW dumped him, he moved back to my state. He needed help untangling some things and I agreed to help. I needed to play nice for financial reasons. It was obvious Xhole was hoping I would take him back. It was SO obvious that my grown kids were teasing me unmercifully about us being "besties." Wretched kids.

Xhile tried and tried to weasel his way back, but I had NO intention of doing that. I kept him at length, never let him in my home, and kept communication emotionless and to the bare minimum.

I got the sob stories about everything. Suddenly his OW became "the whore" when he spoke of her. I admit I did get some delight when I found out she was hunting him down like a dog to slap a paternity suit on him.

But deep down, no matter how charming he was trying to be to me, I knew it was simply to use me for a) resources and b) ego kibbles. Xhole requires undivided attention at all times. I'm not anything special, and he is just a bottomless pit of need. I know exactly who and what he is so his Prince Charming act that has always worked for him in the past failed him.

Once he saw he wasn't getting any traction from me, he moved onto another victim and ultimately married her. Suddenly, he didn't "need" me as much as he proclaimed. I just wish he would move far away.

So you see, very similar stories. What I can suggest is that you keep communication to a minimum, not in person (if possible), keep all emotion and idle chit chat out of it (I would routinely change the subject when Xhole did that), treat him like a distasteful colleague you must work with, and never lose sight of who and what he really is. He IS using you. Make no mistake about it.

Two years left to be financially entangled. Ugh. I feel for you and am truly sorry.

Marz posted 12/29/2020 01:03 AM

Skipping past the obvious bullshit that I suspected he was spewing.

Skipping past the obvious bullshit he was spewing.

There. Fixed that for you.

Muggle posted 12/31/2020 21:12 PM

Is there any way you can get things settled without having to deal with him directly?

If I don't want to get paid I can distance myself. When I'm out of the picture he doesn't prioritize his payments. Right now the business is sinking, and both of us are financially tied to the same income. It's useless to sue him, as I can't get what he doesn't have, and it would just cost me money. It's a catch 22.

What I can suggest is that you keep communication to a minimum, not in person (if possible), keep all emotion and idle chit chat out of it (I would routinely change the subject when Xhole did that), treat him like a distasteful colleague you must work with, and never lose sight of who and what he really is. He IS using you. Make no mistake about it.

I had words with him yesterday. I told him that it was disrespectful, rude and insensitive that I'm helping him with his divorce paperwork with the woman he left me for. I went on to tell him that while I'm helping him with his shit show, he can't be texting some new woman kissy face emoji's from my kitchen table when he was trying to smooze me a week before. I may have mentioned that if he thinks that shit will fly he can hit the road and don't let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. I said he can text her and tell her he's working with me on paperwork and he can talk later, but he's not going to engage her while I'm in my own home. I do need to keep the chit chat to a minimum. What I don't know can't hurt me, and it will give some separation from emotional trauma.

Skipping past the obvious bullshit he was spewing.

There. Fixed that for you.

Thank you, for fixing that.

Right now he's on his way to a fun filled night with his newest victim, armed with wine, and an overnight bag. He wished me Happy New Year, and I had to bite my tongue to not snap back. I met him to pick up paychecks for our kids. I can't do this unless I can separate his personal life to where it's not staring me in the face. It does me ZERO good to see what he does for other women that he didn't do for me. It makes me feel like I was the 23 year guinea pig.

He stated last night that he should have left me more than a decade ago, but he was too cowardly to want to enter the dating scene again. That made me feel like shit that he wasted all those years of my life. He also fessed up recently that my birthday (the night I found out about them) that he turned his truck around, and went back to her place, because he realized he didn't think reconciling with me would work, he felt nothing had changed, and he planned to just get a mistress again. Of course he didn't tell me that when it happened, and left me alone for my birthday that year. He then took her out to dinner on my birthday, bought their airline tickets and had two days to spare to ask her brother for her hand in marriage. Eight days after my birthday they were married. Of course this was because he claimed he needed to do things right. He wouldn't know what "right" was if it hit him in the face. Right would have been ending one relationship in a healthy manner BEFORE you dated and married someone else.

At that moment I wished he'd step in a big pile of dog shit, and track it into his precious Tesla. His pride and joy, a $75k car while living in a room to rent, behind on his payments to me.

jadedangel posted 1/1/2021 02:24 AM

Wow.

He tried to get you to drop your panties for him when he came back but finally admitting that he should have ended it with you 10 years ago??

I understand the financial need but when that ends it would be fantastic to read about the day that you can ignore him and you have peace.

The1stWife posted 1/1/2021 05:51 AM

The mistake you continue to make us taking his actions or behavior personally. I know it’s hard to stop that thought process.

But he did it to his current wife. Same behavior. Same loser of a H. And she’s kicking herself for marrying an idiot.

It’s him!!! He’s the loser who is one screw up after another.

Yes he treated you poorly. He treats everyone poorly. It’s just a matter of time. He has deep rooted issues. He doesn’t understand respect or have values or pride.

It was not b/c you weren’t good enough in your marriage. You were more than the best thing to happen to him. He’s just too broken to realize what he had b/c he’s operating on a child’s maturity level.

He’s not logical. Recently he tried to get you back but then says he was trying to end your marriage years before he did. He can’t even keep his lies straight. He’s a user — only out for himself.

Step back and see how he will treat every spouse or partner in the same manner. He’s the problem. Please know that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:56 AM, January 1st (Friday)]

ArkLaMiss posted 1/1/2021 13:05 PM

Muggle, go to the courthouse and put a lien on his car! Also anything else he might own! Also, call the IRS to get his tax return money! Be proactive!

BigNoob posted 1/1/2021 15:09 PM

He stated last night that he should have left me more than a decade ago, but he was too cowardly to want to enter the dating scene again. That made me feel like shit that he wasted all those years of my life. He also fessed up recently that my birthday (the night I found out about them) that he turned his truck around, and went back to her place, because he realized he didn't think reconciling with me would work, he felt nothing had changed, and he planned to just get a mistress again. Of course he didn't tell me that when it happened, and left me alone for my birthday that year. He then took her out to dinner on my birthday, bought their airline tickets and had two days to spare to ask her brother for her hand in marriage. Eight days after my birthday they were married. Of course this was because he claimed he needed to do things right. He wouldn't know what "right" was if it hit him in the face. Right would have been ending one relationship in a healthy manner BEFORE you dated and married someone else.

Don't worry Muggle he is already getting hit by karma with his second divorce. Divorce number 3 will for sure come for that ass. Please limit direct contact with him ads much as possible so he doesn't keep getting in your head with cheap blows. He is just mad that OW is divorcing him and you were "right" all along.

Cooley2here posted 1/1/2021 15:52 PM

I wonder if he’s a sociopath. They really just do not care who they hurt. It doesn’t appear as if he minds one bit how badly he hurt you and the children. He just dumped the other woman and now he’s got a new one and married and he’s going to screw that up. None of this matters to him. If you will stop taking what he does personally you will get along so much better. They are now finding that part of the brain is missing is people like this. It’s as if he was born without arms or legs. He was just born without part of the brain. There’s nothing he can do and there’s nothing you can do and it cannot be fixed medically. He is just who he is. Accept that you happened to be married to a person with nothing internally. He’s a hologram.

Muggle posted 1/1/2021 19:34 PM

Muggle, go to the courthouse and put a lien on his car! Also anything else he might own! Also, call the IRS to get his tax return money! Be proactive!

I have no legal attachment or ability to lien his car. She put the down payment on it in 2019 for Christmas. Our CIR was finished in March of 2018. The car has 7 years of payments that are over $1000 a month.

Don't worry Muggle he is already getting hit by karma with his second divorce. Divorce number 3 will for sure come for that ass. Please limit direct contact with him ads much as possible so he doesn't keep getting in your head with cheap blows. He is just mad that OW is divorcing him and you were "right" all along.

He does get in my head still. That is something I've struggled with. I still get stuck in the illogical parts of the process. The memories, the wish that it hadn't destroyed my life. I get hung up on the fun stuff he does with other people, but never did for me, and then I'm in a loop I have a hard time getting out of.

It's not genuine jealousy, but it might be envy of the things I never got to experience, and financially may never get. The fact he's not struggling and he can move on with no emotional issues and I'm still trying to lose the baggage he left me with emotionally gets to me.

In essence Life isn't fair, and I deserve to be happy, loved and with someone, but I'm so damaged from him I can't see my way forward. I know at some point I will be healed enough, but in hindsight I didn't think I'd still be struggling 3 years later.

I can't in good conscience ever be in another relationship if I'm looking in the rear view mirror. I want to know that I'm healthy first, and it's taking longer than I ever expected. Other people have no concept how long it takes to heal from betrayal, infidelity, lies and manipulation.

It changes who you are, how you see yourself, and it's real work to refocus and become healthy.

Being friends with your ex is like your kidnapper wanting to keep in touch. It makes no sense, but you cling to tiny fragments of your prior life trying to see some truth, something good in it to have to fill the void.

nekonamida posted 1/2/2021 06:45 AM

FIVE days after I turned him down, he took her to a wine tasting, and spent $900, plus bought her $130 worth of flowers. Needless to say he didn't do those things while trying to "win" me, as he surely thought I would be easy prey.

I'm angry again.

Gently - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. There is NO good reason for you to have ever entertained him beyond what was necessary for the business. Even if you kept him at arm's length, you still got hurt. You still dealt with the drama. And it had nothing to do with the business. You played with fire and got burnt so don't do it again.

Can you see a lawyer about what your options are to disentangle yourself from him once and for all? You don't need this hanging over your head and since you can't control the outcome of his future court cases with XOW, you may be better off doing this now to protect yourself before she takes him to the cleaners.

Edit: Get into IC too. Reeling over him and being bitter over what he's doing is not a healthy way to live. There is a better life out there for you but you're going to have to work for it.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 6:47 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

skeetermooch posted 1/2/2021 10:29 AM

Being friends with your ex is like your kidnapper wanting to keep in touch. It makes no sense, but you cling to tiny fragments of your prior life trying to see some truth, something good in it to have to fill the void.

I think I found some closure that I needed, but I was strangely drawn to being around him, even though my common sense told me he was not someone I wanted in my life. It was like seeing an old friend, that I hadn't seen in a long time.

I think we may have a sort of Stockholm syndrome. They are our abusers and they are also the person we were closest too for long periods of time. You have the added financial entanglement.

Sometimes I think it's worth chewing off a foot to get out of the trap. I wonder if hanging onto the mutual business is the best option. It may be absolutely necessary to your survival, but I say if there's a way to disengage it might be an option to consider. This schmuck seems to land on his feet (or another unsuspecting victim), so he may not let the business go down the tubes - I'm sure he knows putting you in the position of being responsible keeps you engaged and nets him kibbles so, he's highly motivated to appear helpless. I would examine all the worst and best case scenarios of staying tied to him and see what feels right.

betrayed 35 posted 1/2/2021 12:35 PM

Thank you for posting this...

I needed to read this today. I am having one of those days where I am having too many thoughts in my head. I question what if she is really making him a better person and it was me. I know the truth but our minds our cruel to us sometimes.
I needed to read this and remind myself the real him will come out sooner or later... He is playing father of the year right now so it's been a hard couple weeks. They will keep cheating and always put themselves first. They only know how to be narcissistic and manipulative!

It's amazing some of the things they say to us... Good luck and you did an amazing job of keeping him at arms length. Keep it up and the two years will hopefully go by fast!!

Phoenix1 posted 1/2/2021 13:46 PM

Remember, it is often said it takes 2-5 years to heal. Three years is right in the middle. But, and a big but at that, it is not only time needed. It is also what you do with that time.

Being friends with your ex

This ^^ is what I was getting at above. You are NOT friends. You should not be thinking of or treating him as a friend. You can be civil without being friendly. Shut the "friend" thinking down. Friends don't betray friends. Friends don't stab friends in the back. Friends don't do the shit he is doing (and has done) to you.

You've also got to understand you will never understand why he does what he does. You will only twist yourself into a pretzel with no more understanding than you have now. You are not wired like him so you cannot understand his thinking why he treats people the way he does. Bottom line, he's a selfish user. He uses people until they are no longer useful. He probably thinks everyone in the world are useful idiots - easy to manipulate to get what he wants, then just as easy to dismiss from his life.

I would also suggest talking to an attorney to see if you have any legal options to cut the financial ties. If there are no viable options, go gray rock with him with every interaction.

Repeat after me - He is NOT your friend.