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Now I have to start dating

Youknowit22 posted 1/2/2021 15:41 PM

Well it turns out after I gave him 4 chances my creep of a husband is still talking to his mistress. I recorded him and heard him say I love you to her and when I confronted him he said ďthat wasnít meĒ lol wtf! He refuses to tell me the truth even though he has literally be caught red handed.
I am filing for a divorce on Monday which is something I never wanted. We have 3 young kids who I dont want to share because honestly heís not that good of a dad.

Iím sad, extremely angry and resentful. I am going to start online dating, not necessarily to actually go on dates but maybe use it as a tool to talk to people who make me feel good about myself.

What are some good dating apps for divorced mid thirties people lol I tried googling it with not very much luck.

Thanks all. Anyone what to start up a convo about how you survived a divorce and dating let me know!

HFSSC posted 1/2/2021 16:11 PM

Oh, Sweetie.
Please donít do this. I understand the impulse. I do. But dating now would not bring about what you need, which is healing. You think some male attention will salve your bruised ego. But I can almost guarantee you will end up feeling worse. You are not whole. You have a big wound and youíre desperately trying to find a bandaid. But this is like you have a gaping shotgun wound in your belly. Thereís pieces of birdshot all in your guts, ragged edges of an entry wound. You need emergency care, surgery, antibiotics, probably a transfusion. But youíre at CVS buying those bandaids with superheroís or smurfs or something on them.

If you date right now, any decent man who isnít just trying to get laid will not get involved. And any man who would get involved with someone just out of an abusive M is very unlikely to have your best interests at heart.


Takes some time to heal. Get into IC and find out what about you let you stay in this situation for so long. (Not that ANY of this is your fault. But you have made decisions that kept you in this unhealthy abusive M. Find out who YOU are and become the strongest, most healthy version of that person. Take care of your children. Cherish and enjoy them.

Then when you start dating it will be from a place of strength where you are complete and looking for someone to enhance your life.

Hugs. I am so sorry this is happening to you and you are in pain.

[This message edited by HFSSC at 5:00 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

EllieKMAS posted 1/2/2021 16:42 PM

Pump the brakes honey. You don't 'have to' anything and you should really take time to heal before you even think of dating. If you suffered an injury that resulted in an amputated leg, no one would tell you you better just get out there and start training for a marathon would they? Infidelity is a trauma; it's an emotional amputation. Take your time getting back on your feet and figuring out exactly what you want.

Phoenix1 posted 1/2/2021 17:27 PM

We have some often repeated, and true, words of wisdom for folks that look into jumping into the dating pool right away - broken attracts broken.

Happiness comes from within, not from others. The ego kibbles you are seeking won't bring you what you are looking for. It often results in either you just using others to fill a void, which in turn potentially hurts others. Or, it may result in predators lurking in the shadows that wait for vulnerable people so they can exploit that vulnerability and use them.

Not everyone listens to this advice and dive in right away. That's certainly your choice. Some will say that as long as you are upfront about what your after and both are on the same page, enjoy yourself. However, I can tell you that over the years, these are the exceptions to the usual outcome, which often ends in more hurt and heartache.

Take time to heal yourself, get to a new normal with your kids, be the best parent you can be, set the best example for them (they are always watching and learning) BEFORE you bring another person into the mix. You'll enjoy the encounter/relationship much more if it comes from a place of healing and strength.

Hang in there. It DOES get better in time.

The1stWife posted 1/2/2021 22:49 PM

Your kids do not need to be exposed to a new guy in their life.

You do not need to date to get validation. You need to heal first.

nightowl1975 posted 1/3/2021 00:20 AM

You probably think things canít get much worse in the romance/love/marriage department. You are so very wrong. You havenít even filed for divorce yet, and youíre looking for suggestions for dating apps. Please donít. I know how tempting it is. But I promise you, the saying mentioned above ďbroken attracts brokenĒ is 1000% true. You just think your life is a complicated disaster right now.

Alonelyagain posted 1/3/2021 09:21 AM

I first started dating again on OLD after my divorce proceedings started but before the divorce had been finalized. Quite honestly, in retrospect, I did so because I needed the external validation of a woman wanting to date me. Big mistake for me and the unfortunate woman who I first started dating. To echo what I understand the above posters are saying to you, wait until you donít need external validation from dating some man, but are sufficiently happy with yourself to be content by yourself and would enjoy sharing your life with someone else, not needing someone else to complete your life.

Gottagetthrough posted 1/3/2021 12:06 PM

I understand why you want to do this. I am in a similar boat and have been looking at on line sites. Just to see whos out there.

It does feel weird to not be in a relationship after being in one for so long . Like, if you arent in a relationship, you should be atleast looking.

I agree with the others though... try to just get through the divorce , and when you are lonely, find something to fill that lonely space (reading, kayaking, volunteering, reconnecting with old friends...)

Tallgirl posted 1/5/2021 21:29 PM

It has been just shy of three years since DDay1. Hard to believe it is two years since he moved out.

Donít rush dating.

I have been on OLD sites. It is meh. Maybe because I am feeling meh about it.

It is a lot of work and time. Iíd rather hang with friends. Have fun. Read a book.

Put yourself first for a year. Then decide if old is for you.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:51 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

Muggle posted 1/5/2021 23:15 PM

You've been emotionally shot, time for wound care and some relaxation.

Do not scratch that itch, you'll regret it or if you find an actual decent guy he'll become collateral damage in the carnage of what your ex did to you.

Process the sad, scream, yell, and find healthy coping mechanisms to get through this. Journal, find a new friend to talk to or a support group.

You'll make friends here that know what you're feeling, have been there, done that and survived. Trust me there are people here in all phases of this fuckery.

We support each other, listen to each other's fears, rants, complaints and sorrow. We suggest, give advise, and sometimes just cry with you.

This is a solid group of people that you never wanted to meet, but when you have you will feel a sense of comfort being here.

This too will pass, like a damn kidney stone, but it will slowly transition from anger to acceptance of the things we can't change and aren't at fault for.

Hang in there...

Youknowit22 posted 1/7/2021 23:26 PM

Thank you all for that kick in the ass!!! Hahaha
A big part of me doesnít want to actually start dating but I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me and that is the wrong way to go about it, I know.
Iím trying to better myself and I hope that with some time I can feel better knowing Iím not the piece of crap that ruined my marriage.

DevastatedDee posted 1/8/2021 08:52 AM

A big part of me doesnít want to actually start dating but I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me and that is the wrong way to go about it, I know.

Well let me help you let that one go. It's a legitimate understandable feeling, but it isn't possible. I cheated back on DDay and still didn't cause him the trauma he caused me. You won't hurt him as much as he hurt you ever. You can't. In time, you won't care about what he's feeling anyway, so this doesn't matter much.

I'm not judging, I had a ONS two months after I left with a hot guy in his 20s. I don't regret that one bit as that was damned therapeutic for me. My XWH paid women that young for sex and all I had to do was show up at a barbeque and be me to get that. It showed me that I was still attractive and that was a bonus. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing something like that, but you have to be in a place where you do not get emotionally attached. I can do casual sex easily or I'd have had no business messing around that way. I was still an emotional wreck and no way would I have needed to date. That experience was more about helping me than hurting my XWH as he never knew about it nor did I care to inform him. Dating would be about hurting him and that's not healthy for you or the guy you'd be dating. I have no issues with you running into a boy toy for a night though if it's only about you, ha ha ha.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/10/2021 13:03 PM

big part of me doesnít want to actually start dating but I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me and that is the wrong way to go about it, I know.

Phew, I'm glad you know this. See, that style of dating is manipulative. Daters like this are using the other person without that person's knowledge or permission. Which is a pretty rotten thing to do to someone else in my opinion.

Infidelity sucks and is hard. It takes a long time to heal. One foot in front of the other with an eye on being the best parent you can be because your kids also suffered a terrible trauma and they need you.

Chili posted 1/10/2021 16:42 PM

I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me

You know what else might be a fine how'd ya do?

Choosing to rather be alone than with the likes of him.

Besides being really healthy to spend some time alone after a relationship ends, it gives off a pretty strong vibe if you ask me.

The1stWife posted 1/11/2021 06:41 AM

When I was 18 woo my friends left for college. I ended up with a BF who wasnít such a good guy. I ended up with him b/c I was lonely and desperate.

Years later I made a second horrible choice for a BF - serial cheater. Once I found out I ended it immediately.

I learned itís better to be alone than stuck in a miserable relationship or marriage.

And you attract better people when you are strong and grounded and give off a good vibe.

And eventually you stop caring about getting even. Itís called moving on. The loser no longer means anything to you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:00 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

nekorb posted 1/12/2021 18:44 PM

What they all said times two. ^^^^^

Shehawk posted 1/12/2021 20:10 PM

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was tempted to do something to prove I was desirable after dday. Second that about a palate cleanse.

But instead I doubled down and worked on myself. (For me that included figuring out and healing why I stayed with an abusive, gaslighting, lying cheater one second after I found out.).

And that self work has paid off so much more than the brief thrill of dating would have. Your time will come but I have heard that hurt people can hurt other people. So I echo others that maybe now is not the best time to find the love of your life on a dating site.

I learned a lot treating myself well, figuring out what my non-negotiable relationship needs are etc.

I wish you much healing and future happiness

99problems posted 1/12/2021 20:59 PM

Well, I agree with everyone here.
But one fun thing that happened with me is that an ex-coworker of stbxw's and mine, who was not a fan of the stbxw, planted a rumor(with someone she knew was in contact with stbxw) that we were sleeping together shortly after I filed.
She bought it hook, line, and sinker. And was totally offended! Why, I couldn't tell ya, she discarded me like yesterday's garbage, but I guess it just pissed her off to think i could ever be happy.
And although it didn't really fix anything for me at all, it did give me a chuckle.
It's childish and not worth the effort, but I didn't actually expend any effort so I played along.

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