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Hard to make sense of confusing emotions

luffian posted 2/23/2021 04:38 AM

I found out about it last week. We've been together for 6 years. It was an online EA that lasted for a very short time but he does not want to cut contact since she's his only friend (yes, really).

My first instinct was to leave, block, leave them to each other (she's married too), fuck em etc but then I realized I don't want to be alone. And I never imagined the future without him and I want to hold on to that. So that is why I decided to try to reconcile.

========
So he met this chick online because he's a gamer and I'm not and she is also. That's what they have in common. At first I was happy for him because I knew how lonely he was and how much he wanted a friend to play video games with.

But then it quickly degenerated. They started talking about things they like in the bedroom and complaining to each other about their partners and so on.
========

After we decided to stay together he said he is very sad about being lonely all the time and he would like to remain friends with her, because he hasn't had a friend in years and so on.

And he promised to be with some self imposed limits which sounded good to me, so I said okay. My heart breaks when I think about how lonely he is, and I thought that if they're just playing games together for a bit and don't cross any lines in conversation it should be fine.
========

Then the first day after we decided to reconciliate, after he had to speak to her and convince her not to have an emotional affair on her husband (who doesn't know about any of this btw) she messaged him because she was literally about to die and on the way to the hospital.

I was like, why is this bitch messaging some guy she met a week ago about her medical emergency, instead of her husband? And how well timed. But of course my SO got all worried and it ruined our day and when she messaged him again a few hours later (maybe a couple hours after she told him her heart was acting all wacky and they used a defibrillator on her) she was already at home.

Like when you have heart issues and you go to the hospital and they're using a defibrillator, do they just leave you out an hour later?

That smelled like so much bullshit to me. But he thought I was being insensitive and petty.

Anyway. We moved past that and the next day he spends even more time playing games with her than he'd agreed to.

And the next day we watched a movie together. He let me chose it, hated it and then kept saying it ruined his day. I thought he was joking at first, but apparently he wasn't, so that was hurtful. Then he went to joke with her about the same movie.
=========

Besides that:

Now he tells me he feels like he could be 100% with her, which he never could with me. I wasn't aware of that. I am very flexible-minded and I don't remember judging him over anything since we've been together.

Also I have a sleep disorder (it's called N24, my sleep schedule shifts every day) and now he has a huge issue with that. He keeps saying he never knows when I'm awake, because then he feels like he has to drop everything he's doing for me. I never asked him to do that. I might ask him how long will x take? And he'll say 30 min or 1 hour and then I'll wait. I feel like that's reasonable.
I pointed that out to him and he said "that's how I feel".

He's also saying "I thought I was happy, but I guess I wasn't"

"I feel this tug towards her, maybe it's a sign???"

And that I should do this and that and fix my sleep schedule and so on.

He's also flip flopping between I do want to work on us and idk if I can cope with your sleep schedule and so on.

I ask him to block her now and he's like "I feel like I literally can't. Can THIS be a sign?"

========
And I'm just here like "??????? wtf??"

What's so attractive about a lying cheating homewrecker who doesn't mind shitting all over me and my life?
And if I go he'd still be a lying cheating homewrecker, also he'd be a homewrecker. Which I always thought he was too ethical to be, but I also thought he was too ethical to do all this to us and yet here we are. Also it's not sure that she'd even leave her husband for him, she probably wouldn't.

wtf is he thinking.

wtf am I thinking? Everything agitates me so much and I feel like my mind is in 10 different places.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so many things I don't want to be, and all at the same time.

Sometimes I'm tempted to just let them talk about whatever they want and see how badly they destroy each other's lives.

But the thing is that I want my relationship back and what I thought was my future back.
===========

Anyway. I wrote all this to try and make sense of things. I have no one to talk to.

I don't know how to react to things. Sometimes I feel like I'm over reacting.

bonitabellows posted 2/23/2021 04:50 AM

Dear luffian - so sorry this is happening to you.
It is really horrible to be cheated on. I just made my first post after reading a lot on this forum since I found out in Dec.
It's good to read up on betrayal trauma. It's so important to take care of yourself. His loneliness? Not so much.
Wish you the best through this.

luffian posted 2/23/2021 05:51 AM

Thank you for your kind words, bonitabellows. It really is very hard, I used to trust him like I trust myself but now I sometimes look at him and wonder who he is.

Marz posted 2/23/2021 06:23 AM

An affair trumps everything. Spouse, family, etc.

He’s still in la la land with her.

If you want a chance inform her husband. Without warning anyone.

Laying back doing nothing won’t get you a thing except more of what you’ve gotten.

luffian posted 2/23/2021 06:59 AM

Marz, yeah, some of the things he says sound insane, especially the talk about "signs".

And how can you say you're "free to be 100% yourself" when the other person is a liar? Does this make sense?

I would contact her husband but I don't know anything about her, except her Steam handle, her first name and her city. I tried googling her with this info but came up with nothing.

My SO claims he never added her on social media so he doesn't even know her family name or anything like that.

They speak on discord/steam/World of Warcraft

Because her suspicious "heart issues" AND the fact she has a job AND a husband AND a couple pets AND other friends AND hobbies AND she goes to therapy, but she's online all the time (without her husband being aware) I have a strong feeling that she is lying about some things, maybe she's even a catfish.

Now I wish that I would have asked to speak with her myself and tried to find out more info on her, before freaking out about the EA.

[This message edited by luffian at 7:02 AM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 2/23/2021 07:09 AM

He’s saying things like “it’s a sign” because he wants to believe this chatting is something. It’s nothing more than an ego boost that he is hooked on.

Google affair fog - it will explain everything.

Many of us have been in your shoes where the cheater just refuses to stop the affair. Unfortunately even if he does stop talking to her it may be some time before he comes to his senses.

You can do the 180 and stop being his wife. Stop cooking and doing laundry for him. Stop letting him sleep in bed with you. Stop being nice. Stop talking to him too.

It may not stop the affair but it will stop you from having to watch it. If after some time goes by he doesn’t end the affair then you may have to take more drastic steps like separating.

Get yourself some counseling too. It will be good for you.

luffian posted 2/23/2021 07:36 AM

I know I should walk away, but I am terrified of being alone. I didn't know this about me before.

Also the thought of the future being uncertain scares me so much.

I know this makes me pathetic. I don't like myself very much right now.

I currently don't have a job, so I can't afford therapy.
In 2 or 3 months I might be able to apply for a really good one, but I have to learn a bunch of things before. I actually found out about it right before finding out about the A and was planning on spending the next weeks studying. Then that happened and now I feel like I can't focus.

I would like to work on myself more and become a better, stronger person.

DanielJK posted 2/23/2021 07:47 AM

First, be sure to take care of yourself. If you are like most of us here, you’ve just been hit hard by betrayal trauma. It stings like a motherfucker. Focus on you. Be sure to eat, drink, and sleep. I know it sounds very basic, but I lost 30 pounds through the last half of 2020 and ended up dehydrated several times. Please be sure to take care of these basic needs.

I realized I don’t want to be alone.

Don’t let fear cloud your vision. I totally get it, but you have to get out of this infidelity. It clearly bothers you. Don’t live like this, you will regret it, trust me. Living in limbo is horrible.

…complaining to each other about their partners

He had to paint a negative picture of you in his mind to justify the affair. It’s very common. Just remember this is not about you. There is nothing you could have done to stop an affair. It is a character flaw in the cheater, not in you.

…he said he is very sad about being lonely…

Typical cheater speak…oh poor me…he’s playing the victim. It’s not you who is devastated by his cheating it’s HIM! See how that works? It’s the sick/twisted mind of the cheater. Look up DARVO.

He would like to remain friends with her…

“friends” yes, just “friends”…ummm, NO! Do not tolerate this. As long as they are friends (even just a little bit) the affair is active and ongoing and should be viewed that way. Tell him he can have her as a friend without you in his life.

…kept saying it ruined his day…

Again, he’s the victim and not you. See how this works? He’s playing games with your head, don’t let him. If he is only happy with her, then you have to let him go…it’s not worth your life being miserable so he can have his side piece.

…he has to drop everything he’s doing…

Loving partners usually do this for each other. But he’s playing victim again. Stay focused on the cheating. Lay down some boundaries… "you can continue gaming with the whore, but do it somewhere else and without me in your life…GTFO!”

He’s also flip flopping…

Yes, I’ve heard this before… “I’m not sure what I want.”… "I’m conflicted”… "I’m on the fence.”
Just more cheating 101 stuff. We call that a cake eating cheater. Don’t stand for it. Decide what you want and move forward with it…he can sit on that fucking fence all day long if he wants, but move forward for YOU! What do YOU want? If he is on the fence then tie a rope around that fence, then tie the other end to your car, then drive off into the sunset and rip that fence out from under him.

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m so many things I don’t want to be, and all at the same time.

None of us want to be here, but it’s the hand we have been dealt. This is not easy. Like most of us, you are going to go through the grief cycle like a ping pong ball. It’s totally normal. Also, your mind and body are reacting to the trauma you have experienced, your fight or flight instincts are in overdrive right now. If you had sleep issues before this, I image this is making it worse. Don’t hesitate to tell you doctor about this.

But the thing is that I want my relationship back

Me too, I so desperately want my wife back from a year ago. I wish I had better news for you. You now have a cheating SO. You can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube. Read as much as you can here. See the healing library on this page.

Sometimes I feel like I’m over reacting.

You have just been dealt a blow of betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma is among the most devastating things that can happen to us. It is among the worst betrayals that humans do to each other and it hurts like hell. The consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from it. You are doing fine.

Like The1stWife said – he’s in the fog. The fog is hard to break. Look in the healing library, there is stuff in there about communicating with someone in the affair fog.

fooled13years posted 2/23/2021 07:56 AM

luffian, I am sorry that this is happening to you.

Remember that your wayward partner is not the priority here. Neither is your relationship. You are the priority here!

Take care of yourself and remember that you are not the cause of this. He chose this without obtaining your input or approval. The outcome of this is placed squarely on his shoulders.

A wayward tells themselves so many things and tend to rewrite relationship history to justify their actions. You do not need to defend yourself as he does this rewriting.

He has said many things that would be tough for anyone to recover from.

Stay strong and remain true to yourself.

Justsomeguy posted 2/23/2021 08:21 AM

I was afraid of being alone as well. That was after 27 years of marriages and two kids. Then my friend said something to me. He did that I was already alone and just didn't realize it...

It's okay to be alone.

nekonamida posted 2/23/2021 09:58 AM

Luffan, weren't you alone for some time before you met him? Don't you have friends and family to rely on if he left you and moved out tomorrow? This is the FEAR talking but it's not reality because in reality, you don't break up once and have to be alone forever. Like I said, you probably have all sorts of people in your life who would be happy to support you through this. So stop letting fear run the show.

At absolute MINIMUM, he needs to block OW and better yet stop playing WoW for a while. Leave his guild. Play on a new server. Whatever it takes. If he won't do this, you're sharing him with the OW. Are you okay sharing him? If not, 180 him. Detach. Call up friends and family and lean on them for support. Start making moves to move on from him.

newlife03 posted 2/23/2021 10:47 AM

but then I realized I don't want to be alone.

I get this. I didn't want to be alone either. At 36 I was facing the thought of being alone after being with one person for 16 years. 3 small kids to raise. It was scary.

But at 37 I finally had to face it, and guess what? I'm ok! I'm 50 now and most definitely ok! In fact, I'm great!

Don't let fear keep you from living the life you deserve.

EllieKMAS posted 2/23/2021 12:04 PM

Sending you huge hugs. I am so sorry you are here dealing with this!

Just gonna share some thoughts with you because a lot of your story reminds me of mine.

It was an online EA that lasted for a very short time but he does not want to cut contact since she's his only friend (yes, really).
This is a flat-out no. He doesn't get to be 'friends' with the person he cheated on you with. Mine tried this line of bollocks too - about how he 'didn't have any friends' wahwahwah. "Friends" don't encourage you to cheat on your SO. That's not friendly behavior.

And he promised to be with some self imposed limits which sounded good to me, so I said okay. My heart breaks when I think about how lonely he is, and I thought that if they're just playing games together for a bit and don't cross any lines in conversation it should be fine.
Yep. Mine tried this too. "I will just keep her as friends and will not cross any lines until you say it's okay" (mine fancied himself 'polyamorous' after meeting his aptwat and wanted me to 'let' him 'date' her). Welp.... come to find out much later after many months of false R - apparently dry humping each other and making out were acceptable behaviors for him to do with his 'friend'.

He can promise all day long to stay in bounds, but a cheater has VERY poor boundaries to begin with, so that would not be a promise he will be able to keep... which he has already broken yeah?

Anyway. We moved past that and the next day he spends even more time playing games with her than he'd agreed to.

He's also saying "I thought I was happy, but I guess I wasn't"
"I feel this tug towards her, maybe it's a sign???"
I ask him to block her now and he's like "I feel like I literally can't. Can THIS be a sign?"
Now he tells me he feels like he could be 100% with her, which he never could with me.
Every line straight outta the cheater 101 handbook. Mine said all these things almost verbatim. This is just some re-writing bullshit they do to justify to themselves what they are doing (that the absolutely KNOW is wrong).

wtf am I thinking? Everything agitates me so much and I feel like my mind is in 10 different places.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so many things I don't want to be, and all at the same time.

This is all very normal for a new BS. They don't call it the roller-coaster for nothin. It does get better, but it takes time.

My first instinct was to leave, block, leave them to each other (she's married too), fuck em etc but then I realized I don't want to be alone. And I never imagined the future without him and I want to hold on to that.
You 'first instinct' is usually your gut talking. Mine said this too and I ignored it, had 9 more months of bullshit and lies, and ended up divorcing.

I'm not saying you should do a, b, or c, but instead learn to listen to those instincts because IME they rarely lead you wrong.

But the thing is that I want my relationship back and what I thought was my future back.
Once infidelity happens, there is no 'getting things back'. Rarely, a new thing can be built, but the old relationship is dead and gone. And you are very right that what you saw was what YOU thought your future was - nothing wrong with that. But you now have a new reality in front of you and that changes that picture. It is really hard to reconcile those two and it takes time to do it.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 5:08 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

BigMammaJamma posted 2/23/2021 12:47 PM

Hi luffian,

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also sorry that you have decided you deserve so little and are accepting so little.

Can you elaborate on your fears of being alone? What part scares you?

Empty2714 posted 2/23/2021 15:30 PM

Wow.. I feel u on some level... been married for 6 years. My wife had an affair from July to November. She did cut it off. I felt all along that she was doing something, but had no prof. Finally found out the truth 2 days before New Years...great timing. Not sure what to tell u cause everyone handles things differently. That said take some time for ur self.. find out what really matters to you. We are trying to see if we can save our marriage. It is not easy... there is no further contact that I know of. I do have access to her phone and all iPads r connected to each other, so that helps. But it’s not easy. In ur case that they still have constant contact cannot be easy on you... I believe it should end all together, or at least u talk to this person ur self and let it be known where u stand.. also let her husband know what is happening. One day at a time, that’s all u could do.. wishing u well. Just so u know I am 58 days into it... gets a little bit better at times. Good luck

The1stWife posted 2/24/2021 06:59 AM

Your guy wasn’t lonely. He had you.

What’s his next excuse?

Tell him to find a guy friend to do play video games with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:26 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

cbgrace1980 posted 2/24/2021 13:12 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult. I think you should decide what is best for you and move forward without concern with his situations. I will pray that you make the best decision for you.

This0is0Fine posted 2/24/2021 14:53 PM

No contact with him sending the no contact letter in front of you.

There are no "signs". He is trying to remove his own agency and decision making. This is more or less, "How can this be wrong when it feels so right?" He knows how it is wrong.

"Not Just Friends" is the title of a highly recommended and very good book by Shirley Glass that you should get. Have your WH read it. It's just so titled because you know the WS is gonna say, "We're just friend!". Nope.

I game as one of my hobbies. I have friends, a wife, kids, multiple pets, therapy, and a full time job and still chat online with my friends (usually over discord). That said, I'm not carrying on an EA level of conversation with them. It's entirely possible she isn't lying.

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