SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new here. I'm hoping maybe I can get help with this from other betrayed husbands who might have faced this problem. My Wife and I have been married for 30 years this June. She's 48 I'm 50. We have always had a happy marriage. We could and did talk about anything, I was always attentive to her needs and my favorite pastime was pleasing her in any way I could. I suspected my Wife was pulling away from me in early 02/13, she swore nothing was going on and there were no problems but she would go through mood swings of cutting sex completely off, to making love all night long. I loved performing cunniglus on my wife and enjoyed pleasing her and giving her mind blowing orgasms. We had always had a very active sex life. But this pattern kept up for several months. She would get angry for no reason, and sometime pick a fight with me over nothing. She would call me names and say I was trying to control her, I told myself she was probably going through the change and tried to be as understanding as I could.

One night in 10/13 she came in from a girls night out and stripped and literally attacked me in bed. She said she was horney as hell and begged me to go down on her. She was always sopping wet when I went down on her but that night she was really wet and very sticky. She tasted different and finally I had to stop. She begged me to keep going and I told her I couldn't because she tasted like she had just been fucked. And of course she screamed and accused me of only thinking of myself and never caring about her needs or her pleasure. She got up and took a shower and then stomped off to sleep in the guest room that night.

I was convinced she was having an affair after that. She kept her phone glued to her side and had a lock on it and changed her facebook and email passwords when I stepped up my snooping. One night I Finally managed to figure out her Facebook password and found months of messages to her from 3 different men who lived locally and most were very sexual. It was about 3am when I woke her up and confronted her with what I had found. She denied anything was going on and tried to go back to sleep. I kept her up till morning reading the Facebook messages I had printed out until she finally confessed to having an PA. That was 11/24/13, the first D Day. And D Day 2 came 12/11/13 when she finally confessed to having 2 other PA's.

She now is very apologetic for all the lies and for breaking her vows, and for all the pain she has inflicted on me. The more time that has gone by the more apologetic she has become. She's become very empathic of my pain and encourages me to get my anger out let her have it when I have my mood swings. She never gets defensive or makes excuses, she says she owns all the blame. She seems to have become very committed to my healing and helping me in any way she can. I'll post more info on my WW's Affairs later,

I demanded we both be tested for STDs and we both had to be treated for chlamydia and she also had trichomoniasis but I didn't. We are both clean now. We are currently attempting an R and WW wants to resume intimacy now. Although I wouldn't mind getting laid after all she's put me through these last few months, I feel it's too soon to be intimate. I don't even know for sure if I want to reconcile, but I feel I need to try. She has performed oral sex on me several times now, at first I tried to resist but she insisted I needed the release so I finally gave in and just let it happen. I do for some reason feel dirty afterward. She's now insisting that I should reciprocate and perform cunniglus on her. As much as I used to love going down on her, the thought of it now makes me want to puke. I don't know if Ill ever be able to do that again. Just the thought of putting my penis in her again make me feel ill knowing that 3 slobs have had their filthy unprotected peckers in her and shot their filthy cum in her. I'm hoping that feeling some day goes away. But basically I think it's just too soon to be getting this intimate. I don't think I'll ever be able to perform cunniglus on her again.

Has any other BH felt this way about their WW? or am I just being ocd about it?

I think based on what you've written and the very strong likelihood that she initiated oral sex with you knowing she'd previously been with someone else, your discomfort is completely understandable. She disrespected you in the worst possible way and for her to not understand the mental block that has to be causing says a lot about the likelihood that she truly gets it.

My husband loves to perform oral sex and he's very good at it. But because he was so enthusiastic about it with the OW and because her husband shared all the details she gave him with me, I find that I cannot stay aroused when my husband attempts it for me now. Three years after the fact, I'm still unlikely to orgasm from it because of the affair.

She put that mental block there. After what she did, she's lucky you're willing to have sex with her at all. I'd tell her to back off and give you time to work through it. In time, you may be able to overcome it. Or you may never be okay with it and she is going to have to deal with it. Sometimes, the price one pays for cheating is very high.

You're not quite a month from dday 2 so the way you feel right now is normal.

My WW says they used condoms and there was nothing oral, but cheaters are liars, so who really knows. After dday, I insisted she get checked for std's, and the report was clean. But, she and I were having sex when I didn't know about OM, so, if she had anything, by the time dday happened, I would have already had it.

I read another post that someone suggested to think of the affair as just an old boyfriend, long gone now. That perspective helped me get past the mental block I had from doing oral on her.

Even if you are a little ocd about it, you're allowed to be that way a little bit, at least now.

Good luck!

if my wife had pulled that on me, I would already be divorced. It's disgusting. Ask her how she would like it if you rubbed her face in a urinal? go ahead, ask her.

so no, i don't think you're being ocd.

She had you perform oral after she had been with an OM (as in one of three possible OMs ). She gave you an STD!!!

You are not being OCD about this. Quite frankly you are showing restraint by even attempting R. You have every right to decide the A's are a dealbreaker. So imho it is perfectly understandable if performing oral on your WW is ruined for you forever. She needs to be patient.

I think, as a woman, you are being quite reasonable and your reactions are completely normal. If my H had wanted a blow job after f------ another woman i would feel the same way.

You are still very early on.... and if she (and you) do the hard work necessary to rebuild that trust you will likely be able to get past this issue of oral. It takes a looong time to heal... I myself am 4 years out and still healing. the sex life takes such a hit because of all the emotions involved. unfortunately, most of us are unable to separate the two and just have the sex for pure release. Should you get to the point of some trust returning you may want to try some other outlets besides oral to assist with the orgasm... i hope she truly gets exactly what happens in the betrayed person's mind when they are asked to do these things after a deep betrayal. And I hope she is in IC to get help for her problems.

You seem very normal to me.

I believe men have a possessive "thing" about their wive's being with another man that women find hard to understand.

Don't blame you one iota.

Well, I'm female, but at 14 months out I still can't do this (the reverse equivalent). I've even really wanted to a couple times as he's so sweet in bed now, but was revolted before I could even start. And that's just from knowing where it's been. I didn't have anything like what you described happen. So, NO, you are definitely not being OCD. I honestly can't imagine how you will ever bring yourself to do that again.

And please remember that you are not the one at fault here. SHE created this situation. And in this particular example, very deliberately. If she doesn't like the fall out, too bad.

Oh my god. When I read this right after you posted, I was too revolted to reply. That has got to be one of the most vile things she could do to you. Wow, just...wow. Then to top it off with an STD?

Yeah, you are NOT being OCD by any means.

It took me a year and a half to be able to give my husband oral again.

I think you guys need to talk about that night, what was actually going on, and see it you were right in your assessment. It might help to hear what she was thinking and maybe it would give you some peace? Maybe it wasn't what you thought? Maybe it was, but you need to confirm and deal with it. (And so does she.)

I am going to go against the grain here and say that the heart and sexuality do heal. I didn't think I could get over my H pleasing another woman that way, but I am. It is a process - but I am not willing to sacrifice my pleasure for the rest of my life for 2 months of f-ed up decisions on his part. He is here, where he wants to be, doing the work. He wants to please me - and thinks of those times as the worst days of his life now. Your wife may end up feeling the same, so let her have the chance to be a good person, if she is one.

I think based on what you've written and the very strong likelihood that she initiated oral sex with you knowing she'd previously been with someone else, your discomfort is completely understandable. She disrespected you in the worst possible way and for her to not understand the mental block that has to be causing says a lot about the likelihood that she truly gets it.

tearsoflove, that's what I think. The night she came home and wanted me to perform oral on her I accused her of trying to cuckold me. She of course denied that she had sex with anyone. I brought this night up again after D Day 1 after a PA was confirmed and she still swears she had sex with no one that night. I think she's still too scared to admit it to me.

You're not quite a month from dday 2 so the way you feel right now is normal.

My WW says they used condoms and there was nothing oral, but cheaters are liars, so who really knows. After dday, I insisted she get checked for std's, and the report was clean. But, she and I were having sex when I didn't know about OM, so, if she had anything, by the time dday happened, I would have already had it.

I read another post that someone suggested to think of the affair as just an old boyfriend, long gone now. That perspective helped me get past the mental block I had from doing oral on her.

1owner, My WW swore she used condoms too, until the tests for STDs came back positive. Then the truth finally came out.

It's kind of hard for me to think of the PA as an old boyfriend because she was a virgin when we got married and I never had to contend with the thoughts of other men before me. That's one of the things that made our marriage almost magical in my eyes, that she had saved herself for me and had bestowed a once in a lifetime gift to me on our wedding night. I guess that was one reason I held her so high on a pedestal and believed she could do no wrong and I would go out of my way to please her in any way I could.

I don't blame you at all. You are not OCD. Your W acted in a disgusting manner (actually vile). It is only natural you are disgusted by her.

It seems to me that she got off on the illict nature of her A and tried to bring that feeling into your bedroom. I think she got off on knowing and not trying to be funny here, literally rubbing another man in your face. WTF !? She took pleasure in your pain, probably still does on some level and that has to be addressed and redressed.

I did not really have the HB that most people go through. I wasn't interested either for awhile. I had to force myself or self medicate. I usually felt horrible afterwards.

The beginning to healing this part of my W A was to realize that I had needs. I was honest that it was just meeting my needs and was less hurtful to include her in it. There was no emotional attachment involved. Physical needs being met, nothing more. No cuddling or talking afterward either. I usually slept in the guestroom after.

I know that seems cruel and with no context, it would be, but I had to start somewhere. Slowly over time it became better. Eventually I could "fake" the intimacy part, but I could not genuinely combine the physical and emotional aspects. As I healed and her remorse was apparent, it became easier to initiate A discussions after. Most therapist will tell you not to do this, but hey, it has worked.

In order for me to feel close to her the physical aspect had to be there in whatever way it could be. Only on that foundation was I willing to try the emotional aspect.

Anyway there is betrayed mens forum in the I can relate section. I would suggest posting this down there. There are a lot of guys who have had to deal with this. Give it a whirl.

The night she came home and wanted me to perform oral on her I accused her of trying to cuckold me.

I actually had this same thought but wasn''t sure if I should include it in my post. My guess is that she is afraid that will be a deal-breaker if she admits the truth. And quite frankly she has every right to be afraid of you deciding to D her. I think the only way you''ll get the truth on this is to have her do a polygraph. Odds are she''ll confess in the parking before going inside. At least that is what has happened to a lot of BS on SI (getting the old "parking lot confession"

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:21 PM, January 6th, 2014 (Monday)]

Ugh, no, you are not being OCD. She needs to back the hell off and give you as much time/space as you need. I'm appalled at her selfishness.

if my wife had pulled that on me, I would already be divorced. It's disgusting. Ask her how she would like it if you rubbed her face in a urinal? go ahead, ask her.

Mike7, Divorce was my gut reaction after DDay1. I threw WW out and sent her home to her parents. After days of begging on her part and swearing the PA's were over, she was so sorry and she would some how make it all up to me I caved. I agreed to MC and would try reconciliation as long as she got counseling on her own too. The MC brought about DDay 2 when she finally fessed up too all of the PA's and described the sick twisted shit she did with those disease infested slobs. She still can't answer the one thing I want answered, Why?

She had you perform oral after she had been with an OM (as in one of three possible OMs ). She gave you an STD!!!

You are not being OCD about this. Quite frankly you are showing restraint by even attempting R. You have every right to decide the A's are a dealbreaker. So imho it is perfectly understandable if performing oral on your WW is ruined for you forever. She needs to be patient.

Brandon808, I still don't know if I can R but I've decided to try. We have 30 years of history together. I don't understand how she could cheat and just shit on our entire marriage without a second thought.

I've always been a very restrained person, when angry I choose my words carefully before I speak and I choose the people I care to be around carefully. I grew up feeling the only person you could trust absolutely was yourself

My relationship with my wife was totally different. With her I let my guard down and I held nothing back. I let her know everyday how much I loved her, how beautiful and sexy she is. I believed her character to be beyond reproach and I trusted my Wife more than I trusted myself. To me she was the epitome of what every woman should be and I worshipped her on a daily basis.

I hear you Leon, my W and I were "onlies" until she started screwing around. To this day I have been faithful.

It's true, my W and my marriage have lost that "high esteem" I used to have for her. It will never be back the way it was. Compared to what it was, it seems crippled almost, but I know if she and I can fix it, it can be good again. If nothing else, we are at least wiser.

The "old boyfriend thought", for it to work for me, I had to accept the fact that I was not her only partner in her life, like she was/still is mine. It was crushing, and it is a betrayal to be sure, but I had to accept it. It is now what it is, not what it was. Sad. But, R is still possible if both parties desire it and work for it.

If I understood your post, it sounds like your W wants to R, and is actively participating in your healing. If you want to R as well, I think time may be your best friend.

Post often as you go through this, it really does help.

Good luck!

The fact is, your dday is very recent. You have a LONG way to go on this ride, sorry to say.

I agree with Jana above; she needs to back the hell up and give you some space and time.

It really is to early for her to be remorseful. It takes time. Establish your boundaries, keep working the process. I'm sorry you are here with us.

You get to draw the line where you want it. I can understand making that night a deal breaker; I can understand accepting it. I can understand making the STD a deal breaker; I can certainly understand accepting it (my W now tests positive to HPV).

You get to draw your lines in sex, too. Your W does, too, though if she wants to R she'd be wise to adjust to you.

You say you like giving head, so I hope you don't have to forgo the pleasure forever, but I think it's way out of line for your W to demand it. There are consequences to actions, and she needs to recognize that.

No matter what, she insulted you in a way that very few WSes do. If she wants to R, I suspect she needs to (ad)dress that wound with very special attention. I'm not sure what you need from her to accept this, but I suspect it starts with total honesty, a bunch of abject apologies, and some TBD concrete actions.

Remember this, though: Your W cheated because of her own issues, not because of what you did or didn't do. You have to endure a lot of undeserved pain, but the responsibility lies all with your W.

I hear you Leon, my W and I were "onlies" until she started screwing around. To this day I have been faithful.

It's true, my W and my marriage have lost that "high esteem" I used to have for her. It will never be back the way it was. Compared to what it was, it seems crippled almost, but I know if she and I can fix it, it can be good again. If nothing else, we are at least wiser.

1owner, Thanks for your input. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this too. I believed our marriage was so special, and while our love making was very intense I never thought of it as sex. It was making love. Now I feel all of that is gone. I can't imagine ever being intimate with my WW again. Maybe it's just too soon to even be thinking about that though. I suppose at the end of this journey I will emerge from this fog a little wiser. But right now I'm just numb. Sometimes I feel so numb I don't know what I'm feeling. I forget to eat or I feel too sick to eat. I've lost 15 pounds in less than a month. I can only sleep 2 or 3 hours each night. I'm an airline pilot (I fly cargo not people) and I'm not fit to fly. My concentration is shot, I space out in my thoughts constantly. Thoughts of my WW wife screwing those filthy pigs play through my head every waking moment. I go from hopeful to sad to tears to anger in mere seconds. I walked into the family room last night and my WW was sitting reading and looked so sad, I had an overwhelming urge to just hold her and try to comfort her, by the time I walked to the couch the thought of touching her just made me feel sick and angry, so I sat down and ignored her and just watched some stupid show on tv.

I don't know if I can reconcile. It just doesn't seem like there's anything left to save. She destroyed it all with her lies, deceit and PA.

My heart goes out to you.

What your wife did was very disgusting. So, no I don't think you are OCD about the whole thing.

I'm nearly a year out from dday, but the pain is still there. It takes time and I don't know if a BS can ever really get over the betrayal.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 2:20 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]