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My wife is going on a holiday with 3 single girls in July to an upmarket resort for 10 days staying in a villa. It all resulted from a 4th girl cancelling because her boyfriend didn’t trust her to stay faithful. I didn’t want to seem a prude, so I didn’t object when they asked if my wife would like to replace her. However, I do have concerns. The single girls admit they are going for sex and remarked that the “talent” at this resort is very good. However, my wife is much more attractive than any of them, a pretty slim dark haired lady who men have referred to as “hot”. Also she’s flirty and her attitude to sex is that it’s good fun rather than something that’s only a part of a steady relationship. She’s also rather non conformist and doesn’t like to do things just because they are the socially accepted norm. She’s also defended some married friends of hers who have had one-night-stands, saying it was “just sex”, but she doesn’t approve of “affairs” as such. On the plus side, she’s 36, at least 10 years older than any of the other girls, and is teetotal. So at least drink and loud partying behaviour won’t be a factor. Also, I’ve no reason to believe that in 10 years of marriage she has ever strayed, and nor have I

Not sure if she will cheat, but I think if it is it will be one-night-stands. My dilemma is how to handle it? Discuss my fears first, keep in touch with while she’s away, ask her when she gets back, or say nothing and never know one way or the other. Also, how do I deal with it if she has strayed?

Advice appreciated

Max

London UK

Hi Max

Welcome!

First, I have to say wow...as a married woman I would never take a 10 day vacation with 3 single, much younger friends.

Does she want to go, is excited about it?

If you have a feeling in your gut then you need to discuss it with her. One thing we know on SI is our guts do not lie to us...

Her history of supporting friends who have had one night stands would make me extremely uncomfortable.

Good luck!

norwichman,

My concern is that you have these fears to begin with should say something to you. Has your wife been inappropriate or shown poor boundaries in the past?

This doesn't guaranty that she will cheat. However, it was that way of thinking that go my FWW in trouble. She still thinks that it is okay to have sex outside of marriage if it's just sex and no emotions. In fact, she separates sex and emotions quite well. She just doesn't think it's right for "us". She did fail in her little A since at the end they couldn't "live without each other".

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel and the boundaries that you two agree on. Deal breakers and such.

Thanks everybody for your quick replies.

To answer your questions, she has not shown any inappropriate behaviour so far, other than just flirting with men she likes at social events.

She is very excited about going, and in a way it's good to see her so happy

I strongly suggest you talk with her about this.

My W once was on a week-long project on an army base. We talked. She agreed we signed up for monogamy. That worked fine then....

But 10 days with 3 friend wanting to hook up for casual sex? Doesn't sound good to me. It might be best for her to send her money but keep herself at home....

You just made a real bad choice, especially with what you have stated about your wife. Read the post on JFO called Unthinkable and you will want to rethink your decision and be like the other husband

Wait so 3 women going on a holiday explicitly for sex and you don't want to seem like a prude?

So what will your wife be doing while her friends ogle the "talent" and try to get laid?

There are a bunch of conflicting things you said which just seem strange.

You know 3 women are going for sex, yet you say yes because you don't want to seem a "prude"

Then you make a case for your wife being better looking than them thus having a higher likely hood of being hit on.

You state she's flirty and a none conformist when it comes to sex.

But hey I guess you know her best. Probably nothing to worry about.

Also she’s flirty and her attitude to sex is that it’s good fun rather than something that’s only a part of a steady relationship.

Stop and think about what you wrote here. This is your wife that thinks sex is just good fun that anyone can have and it doesn't bother her that her married friends have one night stands. Yet she doesn't approve of affairs.

I am confused completely. If that is her attitude, than it seems she is interested in sex as something fun, kind of like dancing is fun.

First of all, your wife already admitted that one time sex, one night stands or sex only one time with some guy does NOT constitute an affair. I am also taking that to mean she would be fine doing this herself, because in her mind, this is not an affair.

This vacation is for sex.

Why dont you just ask your wife if she is going for sex?

Watch her attitude, body language closely and of course listen to her answer at the same time.

Are you testing your wife. You could hire a PI to watch your wife. Then you would know for sure. I do believe, if you let her go, you will wonder for the rest of your life.

Welcome, norwichman.

I can't tell you whether your wife will stray or not. I can tell you this - you registered and posted here for a reason. You are concerned. And from what you've described, you have good reason to be.

Have you talked about those concerns with your wife?

I think a conversation might be in order. If you do (and it will probably be a hard one to have) try to remain as calm as possible. I know it will he hard but I believe that it is one that should take place.

As others have said, your gut is telling you something for a reason.

Good luck!!

I reread this thread and my response and I realized something. I didn't answer based on how I would respond.

Hell no! My wife going with single friends on a vacation that is explicitly for finding sex partners? That is a vacation no married person should be on. Ever.

Also, I somehow missed that part about your wife's attitude about sex. Throw that into the mix and I would say it's a recipe for torpedoing a relationship.

FWW here. I flirted with many men before I had my A. I don't know your wife but I'm pretty sure, based on what you've shared, there is a strong chance she'll have at least 1 ONS while on this trip. It will be condoned and encouraged by her single friends. Your wife seems pretty approving of it herself. IMO, she's already on that super slippery slope.

she has not shown any inappropriate behaviour so far, other than just flirting with men she likes at social events.

Um, this is pretty inappropriate for a married woman. I have a feeling there's a side to your wife you know nothing about. But, that's JMHO.

You are being so naive it is almost impossible to believe. I honestly don't know other than curiosity why you posted this.

She will have a bangfest, not feel guilty about it, and you will be clueless.

If there is anyone who thinks you should not stop this from happening with what you have said I would love to hear the rationale . You obviously do not care if you are sending her off to a resort full of horny guys with girls openly stating they are going there for sex/ read your post and see how silly your question is

Something is making you think she is going to have a ons.

That's not the normal reaction to your wife going on a vacay," I think she may cheat" Plus, there's no way in hell this would fly in my M or any M's of people I know. If you think she may cheat, why aren't you asking her not to go? Are you afraid she will get pissed? Or that the friends will say your controlling?

My ws has always been cool with me doing things with friends but this trip your wife is going on is pretty much so these friends can get, uhm.laid? Talk to her. Ask her if the chance to hook up is available, will she take it?

You're talking to people here that got burned, BURNED real bad. Some of us perhaps thought like you. We trusted with our eyes closed. There's a reason why we're all here now.

Badhurt...

You have a PM.

Thanks again for all your replies

Some people are suggesting that I stop my wife going, but don't think that's practical. Given that I go on one week golfing hols with the lads every year + a lads stag do in Ibiza last year, I could hardly say No! Also it wasn't until later that I discovered that all the other girls were sex mad and also the reason for the 4th girl withdrawing. However one piece of advice I will be taking from these posts is to talk to her about my concerns. Coming straight out with it won't work especially as for the stag do I went on, she showed no interest other than to ask afterwards if the groom to be got laid! He didn't.

However, a chat with her last night have eased my fears a bit. Seems the villa is much further from the resort than was first thought, 20 mins drive. She's concerned that the other girls have an expectation that as the non drinker she will act as a taxi service for the other girls to and from the resort, but she says she's not happy with that. Also their choice of going to nightclubs and getting drunk is not her thing at all. She's more of a dinner party type of girl, so she said she might hire another car and do her own thing sometimes. She also said she's got no particular desire to meet lots of new people, but rather just relax by the villa pool and read. However I do need to explore her feelings more about Affairs and "Sex being just fun", and put them into context of our marriage and this trip, rather than just general views.

Her definition of an "Affair" re the physical side is that it's any sex that occurs on more than one occasion. Therefore not a ONS. Also she doesn't approve of married people looking for a ONS, such as looking on-line or deliberately going out to pull. Her view is that these + Affairs show underlying marriage problems that the couple should be trying to resolve, whereas an "Opportunistic" ONS is quite often just a bit of fun.

As for sex just being fun, I can confirm this as when we first met we had sex within 3 hrs, and she was so natural, totally un self conscious and relaxed, no first time nerves, unlike me. At the time she told me she had several partners and intended to carry on with them, and also with ONS's until she got engaged to "Mr Right". I became that guy a few months later on condition she dumped all her other bf's which she did, and I'm pretty certain she's not strayed since. Maybe she still has this wild streak, but I'm going to discuss it with her soon

Hope this gives more context

Given that I go on one week golfing hols with the lads every year

Big difference as far as I know, you don't go golfing for sex. This trip is all about sex for three of the four woman.

At the very least, you do need to have a talk with your wife about fun sex and ONS.

Either you are in a monogamous marriage or you're not. That is one area that is pretty black and white.

I agree. You cannot ignore this issue. Given what you have said about her expressed beliefs, it is not unreasonable for you to start a calm conversation about her remaining faithful during this trip.

I cannot understand why she wants to go on this sorority field trip, unless she enjoys being housemother to girls gone wild. She's not into clubs, and unfortunately will therefore find herself with time alone. Your concerns are justified.

A non-accusatory approach may work best, having the focus on your concerns.

She mu st have told,you the goal,of the three younger ones and why the fourth backed,out. Simply present this as a continuation of that conversation.