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We have been married 11 years with 3 amazing kids, loving and supportive parents who were never divorced. 8 months ago her affair started. I was super suspicious the whole time, snooping and spying, confronting and begging for her to tell me, finally this past Friday I caught her conversation with him on tape, confronted her about it. Over 2 days, I was able to draw out all the details. Finally, I'm fairly confident I know it all. I knew it was bad, but the details are absolutely evil and horrible and there are many. They made love on our anniversary and she gave me the cold shoulder. I'm hurting so badly right now. Just torn to tiny shreds. I can't sleep or eat. Every time i close my eyes, i see them making love and my heart races, and adreneline goes wild.

Luckily her parents came in from out of town to help with the kids.

She says she wants to break it off with him and stay together with me. I don't understand how that's possible after what she has done to us. Will she continue the A? Is she even capable of quiting with him? Can i forgive her for the unspeakable evil she has done to me? I know all the answers aren't out there, but any support would be huge. I'm dying inside

Sorry you are here. I know all to well how you feel right now. You are not alone! Get yourself a counselor. Do not try to make any rash quick decisions. You need time right now to process this. You are in deep trauma shock right now. You will get through this. You will find the support here is very helpful. You need to trust in your ability to survive this. It is the hardest thing you will do in your life. Try to eat healthy. See a doctor right away. Sleep is very important. You can survive this. You will survive this. We are here to help!

Hey Ronoh,

So sorry you are here. The pain you are feeling is unimaginable and the worst possible, and we all know what its like because we have all been there. shitty club to be in, but your in the right place. read as much as you can in the healing library, it will give you coping mechanisms and instructions on the best way to proceed from here. you need to look after yourself as much as you can, and see your doctor if you need meds. many will give you support here. stay strong brother, and take your time sorting out your plans and future. good luck

I'm so sorry - so so so sorry.

Your world is forever changed.

I'm glad you have supportive family. Lean on them.

You are spinning - this I know - but you need to go see an attorney. It is not too soon to see what your rights and responsibilities are and this visit is the first opportunity to be proactive in the midst of pain and chaos.

Your wife should not be believed at this point. Her fantasy world was just blown up and she doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground. What she does know, is how to lie. Cheaters are magnificent liars so just know anything she spews for the next few days has potential to be utter bullshit.

The posse of male SI vets will be her soon. Listen to them.

And know you have found a group of people who really care

Ronah, glad you found us. But I'm sorry you need us. It's so early right now, it's hard to imagine forgiving and moving on in your marriage. But right now isn't the time for decisions. So glad you have family to help with the kids. Take good care of yourself. What is she doing? No contact letter that you approve, sent in front of you? Promising transparency, all accounts and passwords? Who is here? Is he married? If yes, tell his spouse asap. If she wants to stay married, you should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair," a short but very good book. She needs to live it. If you at all doubt that you have the whole truth, including possible others, get a poly before you fully delve into R or consider MC. Keep talking here. It gets better.

It's going to be hard. You have to have 100 percent transparency. Plus, it would be great for a polygraph to be passed. If you mention it and they don't welcome it, you know that they are lying about something.

ronoh,

If your WW is truly remorseful and wants a chance at a reconciliation and there is the slightest chance that you may attempt a reconciliation then:

She says she wants to break it off with him and stay together with me.

Not "wants to break it off", she gets 30 seconds to decide and then to break it off or pack her bags. The NC (No Contact) call is made in front of you and her parents, she tells him it is over, all calls, emails and texts will be blocked, and if he approaches her in person she will scream at the top of her lungs for the police.

Breaking it off must be clear, unequivocal, and any further contact must have a consequence for him enforced by her.

If their point of contact was work, she will notify HR and tell them that she made a mistake and has a workplace A and can no longer have contact with OM. If it was church or a social activity, she finds a new church or hobby.

Next comes, oh joy, whether you reconcile or not, full STD testing for everything under the sun for both of you.

Keep one thing in mind, you and the kids will get through this, and you and the kids will be happy again.

hello ronoh, sorry to find you here. Last Friday your world changed forever, it is now up to you what you want to do. What she has done is not your fault, there is nothing anyone can do to cause a spouse to have an affair.

For men the first tendency seems to be to want to see if there can be a future with the cheating spouse. I think this is a mistake most of us make because we are the protector in the marriage in most cases and we seem to carry this protection role into the post-affair relationship.

For there to be any hope of a reconciliation she needs to go No Contact with her AP and if she won't then you need to do something to make her realize there will be consequences for her. This needs to happen immediately for your own sanity.

You are going through the most miserable time of your life and it is going to last weeks and months at a minimum. Try to get some meds for anxiety and/or depression, get some over the counter sleep aides and some caloric supplement drinks because you will probably lose weight due to the stress.

Others will come along to help out so check back often. Don't start thinking reconciliation too quickly, it is a long and hellish process.

Take Care of yourself and the kids.

Will she continue the A? Is she even capable of quiting with him?

Is she showing any remorse?

I would stay in detective mode - check her email, phone and texting records, social media accounts etc. Keep a VAR in the car.

If she ever does come out of the fog, and she finally feels the shame from the hell she has inflicted on you and her family, the more evidence you have gathered - screenshot etc, the more power and the more in control you will feel.

Read up on the 180 - this will serve you well, if you feel there is a chance she may still be continuing the affair.

It is an awful place to be - All 50000+ of us on here have been there... time does heal, and things will get better as time goes by...

Best of luck to you. Eat healthy - protein shakes, get anxiety meds from your doc if needed. Stay strong.

You have two questions to answer.

1. Is this a dealbreaker for you? If it is, you have all you need to know. Skip question #2 and move forward knowing none of this is your fault.

2. Is your wife reconciliation material? Most cheaters don't want to lose what they have -- they want it all. Is she looking for ways to hang on to "both" or is she quickly and decisively demonstrating that she will do anything and everything to help you heal? If she does anything that demonstrates she is trying to hide the affair or buy time to sit on the fence (e.g. "I need to figure myself out"), then reconciliation isn't an available option.

In terms of your other questions, it really depends on you and your wife.

- You can choose to forgive over time -- that is to let go of the bitterness and not invest your time and energy into having the events that have occurred in the past rule your future. However, even then, this is not the same as trust or forgetting. Trust is earned and it will take a long time to rebuild. Forgetting something as emotionally charged as this won't happen -- it will be a scar that you carry regardless of what path you take.

- Will she quit the A? That is largely up to her. Your only contribution is to make it clear that you won't accept anymore disrespect and then follow up with consequences should she choose to pursue the other man in any way.

- Can she stay with you as a safe partner? What is clear right now is that she is broken. She doesn't become "safe" overnight by saying "I'm sorry" or making promises. Words are cheap. You need actions. She will need to figure out what her character gap is that allowed her to think that cheating was ok. That will take intensive work, typically with the help of an IC.

However, at this point, these are future things. You need to focus on (1) is this a dealbreaker and (2) is she taking strong and decisive action to end the affair?

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 7:44 PM, February 29th (Monday)]

Thank you all. Unbelievable how assuring it is to have your support and know I'm not alone.

Without the kids, I think I would divorce her.

I can't let the kids go through a divorce battle though, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to fight to stay together.

About an hour ago we sent a no contact letter to her AP. I made her read it out loud to everyone in the room to me and her dad (whom she has respected greatly in her past). She was begrudging about it, but went through with it. We deleted her Coverme phone app and vaults with all her photos of the AP. She unfriended/blocked him on Facebook, she blocked him on google hangouts and on Spotify. Tough thing though is that these can all be easily reversed, then set back to blocked, whenever she wants to contact him. I will never be able to tell.

Then I made her go around and throw away all the special clothes/underwear/shoes that she wore with/for him. She was really upset about it as we went around the house gathering these things. She scowled and rolled her eyes, explaining that she needs time to grieve the loss of her deeply loving relationship with AP. It's nearly impossible for me to understand this. She seems to be mourning it, but I'm not sure how much space to give her to do this. Should she be coming to me for comfort in her mourning? I'm not sure I want to provide her comfort, but I sure as hell don't want AP to provide it.

I then went to urgent care, got tested for STDs (results in a few days), got Xanax and Paxil to help me relax a bit better tonight and hopefully get some rest, today and into the future.

Any other suggestions would be great, especially about how much space I should give her and how much spying I should still be doing. Thanks guys!

She says she wants to break it off with him and stay together with me.

Wants to? Wants to break it off? Doesn't that mean that she hasn't broken it off with him yet? Doesn't that imply that she has pulled the trigger on NC with OM?

Why?

I'm sorry brother but if she were remorseful then it would be "She ended it with and OM and wrote a NC letter she wants me to read before sending it. She wants to rebuild our M (as opposed to staying together which implies simply not divorcing)."

Ronoh

if she says she needs time to grieve the loss of her AP, sounds like she is not fully committed to R, and she may still want to go back to him.

She is still in the Fog.

She is feeling embarrassed in front of her family, but still has feelings for the OM. you need to get full access to her passwords on all her accounts. she needs to give you access to her phone, tablets etc. when ever you want them, and you need to get her to IC asap.

check the healing library about getting a WS out of the fog, and look up the 180. might help you snap her back

Yeah......I'm not sure this is your best approach. It sounds like she's being treated like a child and she's pushing back. Personally, and I know how hard this is to understand when you're in shock, I would have her served with divorce papers. Now that doesn't mean you need to divorce her. But I think you're best bet is to shock her out of this. She thinks she deserves time to end her affair, time to grieve, time to really make sure she wants you. Nope. You aren't Plan B. She wants you? She better get on her hands and knees and start proving to you that she deserves YOU. I can pretty much guarantee that you're on the path to her reconnecting with him right now. She needs to be thinking real hard about what life without you will be like for her. Shock and Awe, brother.

She scowled and rolled her eyes, explaining that she needs time to grieve the loss of her deeply loving relationship with AP.

Bullshit. She is NOT an 8th grade girl with a crush. She's a married woman and when you are married you cannot have a boyfriend - Point. Blank. Period.

It's nearly impossible for me to understand this.

It's not for you to understand. She needs to get her head out of her ass or go be with him. If she's staying, she needs IC to figure out what made her think she could have a lover in addition to a husband.

She seems to be mourning it, but I'm not sure how much space to give her to do this. Should she be coming to me for comfort in her mourning?

Mourning what? Again. bullshit. You don't give her any space. And you don't comfort her either. Put your foot down and let her know how it's going to be. If she can't let him go and wants to mourn, mope, and swoon, again, she can do that crap with him.

Stand up for yourself. The problem is with HER, not you. You don't need to seek answers as to why SHE has done this. That is HER job.

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:46 PM, February 29th (Monday)]

She was really upset about it as we went around the house gathering these things. She scowled and rolled her eyes, explaining that she needs time to grieve the loss of her deeply loving relationship with AP.

Did she actually say these words to you? That must have been a really hard thing to hear. She has seen how her A has affected you, yet she is still so selfish she is only thinking of herself. I know it's too early for her to show remorse, but wow, a little basic human decency is not too much to ask.

Her reluctance to purge reminders and mementos of the A in your house is a problem. The fact that she had no problems keeping these things around the house after you confronted her is mind boggling . It sounds like mentally, she is still deep in the A. She may be saying the right things, but words are wind. Watch her actions. Actions over time do not lie.

How confident are you the A is over? Is the other guy married? Are you planning on telling his spouse or GF? Do they work together? Are you going to keep monitoring her communications? Did she give you the passwords to all of her social media sites, email and her phone? Has she begun trying to set up IC for herself? Stay away from MC for the time being. She needs serious work on herself before you begin MC. Have you looked into IC for yourself? Has she been tested for STDs? Is this her first A?

Your willingness to reconcile is admirable, but I would advise you do not make any firm decisions now. If you have told your WW you want to make it work so soon after D-Day, it may explain her current behavior. She gets to have an affair, you find out and it shatters your world, yet she just gets welcomed back into the fold right away with relatively few consequences. Her A is a big deal, treat it as such.

I also caution you not to believe you know everything. Rule number 1 about cheaters is they lie. Do not believe anything she says you can not verify, especially so soon after D-Day. She was able to lie to you during the A... what has changed now? Essentially nothing. Now the lies will be to protect herself from further damage.

Read up on the 180. I think it will do you some good to start emotionally detaching from her. It sounds counter intuitive, but it works. It may knock her out of the fog. The worst thing you can try to do is try to "win" her back. Don't do the pick me dance. It doesn't work. Good luck brother, and stay strong.

Welcome to SI, ronoh. Very sorry you've had to find us here.

You've just experienced a severe trauma and shock. The emotional "rollercoaster" you've just boarded is going to last for quite a while, man. But! It does get easier with time and some serious self-care.

Eat. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months because I wasn't eating. Eventually, I started with small meals, forcing myself to eat. And I started eating healthier too, which meant eating less.

Drink Water. Your body's going to be in hyper-drive for a while. Stay hydrated! Drink lots of water!

Sleep. If you can't, try some OTC sleep aids or see your doctor.

Exercise. Even if you've never worked out a day in your life, get on a treadmill for 15 minutes tomorrow. Then 20 on Wed. Get back into shape. The endorphins are great and it just feels good overall.

Ending this affair is your first task, brother. It's good (very good) that her family knows, that she now has to face her parents with what she's done as well (can be powerful stuff). If the OM is married, inform his wife immediately. Affairs cannot survive in the light of day. There's a chance, of course, that she and the OM will take this deeper underground and she will remain in a "fog." With today's technology it's almost impossible to prevent contact, but if your WW truly wants to stay married to you, she will go to great lengths to be completely and utterly transparent in every single thing she does. In fact, demand this from her. In the meantime, continue to expose this affair to everyone concerned.

Now, get these two words out of your head: Forgiveness & Reconciliation. These two things you can worry about months or years from now, if you ever do at all.

In "The Healing Library" are dozens of excellent essays from SI veterans that are must reads for you. Look in the upper-left hand corner of this page, the yellow shaded area. In the Library is an "Articles" tab. "The Tactical Primer" is your first step.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

If this affair, this infidelity, a pure deal-breaker for you and there's no reason you can find to even consider staying married to her and trying to reconcile the marriage, then don't bother. However, if there's still a part of you that wants to give it a chance, you should know that it is possible, but it's not easy, the odds are against you, and there are still never any guarantees in this life.

I can't let the kids go through a divorce battle though, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to fight to stay together.

The kids don't factor into this, ronoh. Pretend for a moment that you're one of your children and ask whether or not you'd rather live with healthy, happy parents, who love each other or miserable parents who hate each other. I grew up with the latter, btw, and it sucked. More so, however, you have no control over whether or not you can reconcile your marriage. You can control what you do and that's it. You can't control your WAYWARD wife.

ronoh, the next few months are going to suck. Surviving infidelity is going to test you like nothing you've ever known before, but you will eventually find your strength and clarity will return. Detach from your wife, become extremely cold about watching her end this affair and maintain No Contact. Then watch and see what she does. If she can truly "get over" this affair, recognize it for the lies that it actually was, and start to accept full responsibility for her decisions, her choices and her actions, reconciliation might be possible.

There's no reason to decide this now. In fact, I'm pretty sure every state has a mandatory waiting period before a petition for divorce becomes final, anyway, so the "system" is perfectly content to let you change your mind. One of my biggest regrets of the past year is never having actually filed, even if just to convey to my fWW just how close I really came to divorcing her.

Focus on yourself for a while, ronoh. For a long while.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:21 PM, February 29th (Monday)]

She scowled and rolled her eyes, explaining that she needs time to grieve the loss of her deeply loving relationship with AP.

Is it "reasonable" to think that a WS has a grieving process to go through given that they are cutting off a relationship that they've been deeply invested in? Objectively, maybe so. But that isn't the point. What your wife is doing is taking a grain of truth and using it to manipulate you into feeling bad and guilty for the consequences of her actions. Just like how she was totally self-centered during the affair and playing you for her own benefit, she is continuing in the same pattern.

Should she be coming to me for comfort in her mourning? I'm not sure I want to provide her comfort, but I sure as hell don't want AP to provide it.

Step back and see the manipulation. She is playing you against the other man -- either you accept her terms or she just might run into his arms. That is exactly where she wants you. She wants you to try to "nice" her back into the marriage and she wants you to do the "Pick Me!"dance. It never works.

Should she be coming to you for comfort? She has just stabbed you in the back multiple times, but got a sliver from the knife handle and wants you to be sorry for her. This is beyond messed up. This is manipulative and it is emotional abuse. If she needs help dealing with her splinter, she can get her own IC (individual counselor) to deal with how she feels. The ONLY acceptable thing she should be expressing to you right now is astonishment at how cruel she has been and commitment to do everything needed to help you.

Please take some time to read the FAQ for Betrayed Spouses (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp) and take special note of the 180. She is playing games with your mind and emotions and it is vitally important that you get the time and space needed to be able to think clearly about what she is doing to you. In addition, you are following the path that many other betrayed spouses (BS) have in being too nice after Dday. You might find the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover to be enlightening.

I can't let the kids go through a divorce battle though...

While going through a divorce is awful, it is also damaging to kids to have a parent model that it is ok to just accept betrayal, manipulation and emotional abuse. Requiring love and respect as foundational to a marital relationship is not only what is best for you, but is also healthy behavior to model to your kids. At a minimum, visit an attorney to educate yourself on what your rights are.

so I'm going to do whatever it takes to fight to stay together.

Reconciliation takes two. If your wife isn't in it with you, there isn't anything you really can do. You can't force her. You can't nice her back. Ultimately, she needs to have the motivation to stick to NC, be honest, be fully transparent and to do IC. It is a matter of the heart -- she needs to be remorseful and she needs to see that she is broken and needs help.

What your wife is doing is testing your resolve to require her to love and respect you. Begrudgingly sending the NC and scowling while tossing her affair wardrobe/belongings is active disrespect of you. Asking for mourning time because she has lost her "love" is disrespecting you. She only gets two choices:

1. Comply fully and without complaint.

2. Get sent home to her parents with divorce papers soon to follow.

Any other suggestions would be great, especially about how much space I should give her and how much spying I should still be doing.

She gets no space to mourn in front of you or to sulk around the house. That is a clear statement of what choice she is making. She sets up an IC appointment (with an IC who is experienced with infidelity) to get started working on her. She can have her own space to think and process within reason. You can grab a copy or two of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" -- it is mandatory reading for her and highly recommended for you. A free PDF copy can be found online or you can find it in book format at a bookstore or Amazon.

She should be giving you full transparency. What that means is that you have access to everything at any time. Her phone, computer, social media, email accounts, etc. Location tracking should be enabled on her phone (don't advertise this if she isn't aware). If you want/are able and she doesn't know, install a keylogger on her computer/phone so that it will be impossible to hide her actions on the device. Deleting anything is not allowed. Creating new accounts is not allowed. Installing new apps (and even then deleting them) is not allowed. She has catastrophically broken your trust and she should be willing to accept the lack of privacy as a necessary consequence of her actions and as a move to start rebuilding a level of trust. Once again, complaining about or breaking these conditions indicates that she isn't reconciliation material.

You're early in this process and it can be very tough. It is ok to make some mistakes, but, hopefully, you will get enough advice here that you can avoid much of the pain that others have had to go through. Keep posting!

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 2:28 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

No doubt she is mourning for her other man. She loved him. She had sex with him on your anniversary while she gave you the cold shoulder.

She has reasons she decided to stay with you. It might not last, but for now I would guess it is:

1. Reputation of being a cheating

2. Her dads's disapproval

3. Her relationship with other man now will be doomed in "real life" because everyone will think of them as tawdry cheaters.

4. Other man doesn't need her and her baggage in his life full-time, he just really likes the sex the most (maybe he's married already, too).

5. She needs your money.

6. The kids.

7. She used to love you, now you are like a roommate, soon to be her "dad" who keeps her in line.

I think you did the wrong thing by telling her to send a "no contact" letter, block facebook, etc., while she was "begrudging." I think what you should have done is told her that you have some proud and self-respect and you are not staying in a marriage where my wife is in love with another man. So go be with the other man, I will find a good woman who isn't a lying cheater. Whatever good qualities you may have, your lying unfaithful cheatingness overwhelms it, and who wants to be with someone who cheats on them?

You being already to tell her she can come back, that you don't want to divorce, has sent the wrong message. So she can be a petulant child, roll eyes, and tell you, DAD, that she is going to do it but she isn't going to like it. Yes, you have now become her DAD, you now have another child, a petulant child who doesn't want to break up her boyfriend.

I suggest you tell her she is an ADULT, she can do what she wants, if she wants other man, then go, but don't expect you to stick around her cheating act. If she wants to stay with you, then she'd better act like it, or she won't have that option.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:27 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

Ahh yes.....the rush to reconciliation. You see it all the time. It seems like the path to take. Save the marriage, spare the kids, etc etc

Re-read the last post by wk55hn. Its dead on. You have made yourself the Dad. And most girls are not interested in sleeping with Dad.

Pause. Try to think Instead of feel. She did evil things. Things designed to emasculate you. Do not let her get away with it. She is NOT acting like a wife who wants to fix things. She has no remorse. See a lawyer, figure out what a future without her looks like.