SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did not want to be here doing this. In all honesty (and selfishness)I wish my ex-wife would have continued private therapy and not come to an internet forum for help. But she did and she’s paying for it and I am too. It's not easy to eat dirt.

Basically, the sole purpose of this thread is to give my ex-wife and opportunity to come to this forum and post in the Wayward section. Our divorce was final several months ago, at which point she began posting on TAM. In her earlier posts on that forum, she seemed to be getting along well, until the connection was made between her post there and my post here, and then all hell broke loose; and she shut down. She has not said anything with any real substance since.

She did not shut down because she had been exposed, or found out. I think she did a pretty good job of explaining what she had done and what she felt about herself in her first few posts.

I do not believe she expected the response she received. The more I read and the farther I got into her thread, I realized she was protecting me. Yes, you heard me right. She did not want to say bad things about me. Because her heart is bent toward protecting me, she has been the recipient of unprovoked vicious repeated attacks against her honesty, sincerity and integrity.

Many, if not most, of the people who have posted on her thread, have had a desire to help. This is quite obvious and touching and had she continued posting in a progressive manner, I think they could have helped her.

But then there are the others. I know all about these others because I was one of ‘these others’ for an entire year. All of the bashing she has received on that site is child’s play compared to what I put her through. I could give the assholes on that site asshole training. As I read the things she was enduring there, I got a good look at myself and totally hated what I saw. Exactly what I had been doing.

If you’ve read my other thread you will remember my out of control anger and extreme rage. I could not deal with it and certainly did not handle it well. I was a basket case and wanted my wife to pay, and she paid with interest, and she has not complained. Speaking of my previous thread, I would like to repost something I posted there.

“She told me the first texting guy was a colleague in CA. I believed her, however, I had it in my mind that they were illicit texts. This was on me. Our relationship had been under much strain for the prior 6 months or so, and this was also on me. I had my head too far up my own ass to even take Wishes pleas seriously. My answers to her were macho. "Don't let them get to you," or "you're stronger than that," and my best one yet, "it's the right thing to do." I effectively forced her into a situation where she was deliberately, systematically, and wantonly the victim of physical, emotional and mental torture.

The colleague in CA did nothing wrong, nor did Wishes. Wishes had always trusted me 100% and tried her best to please me in every and any way possible. Many of Wishes friends were telling her to get away from me for awhile and when I discovered her texting this guy in CA, I suspected the worst and reacted with great anger and wrath. The emails backed up what she had been telling me. He was giving her moral support to hang in there with me and that I would come around. He had been a friend of my marriage all along.

This is first time Wishes had ever stood up to me in our marriage and she told me I was being foolish, and then later delusional and then, that I needed therapy. Wishes was already in therapy and pleaded for me to come to therapy with her. I responded by firing our employee in CA, who by the way, was an integral part of our firm. This is when Wishes said I was crazy and had just cut off my right hand (or something like that).

These things I would have never brought to light had Wishes not began posting on the talkaboutmarriage web site. I have received no less than 50 emails and PM's concerning her activities there and mostly, I am shamed that she has not outed me there. She has basically kept what I did to her to herself and I am filled with shame that she would continue to protect me. She even called to ask me if she could make a certain statement concerning me. After all that I have posted here about her...and she does have some artillery she could use against me, but she has not done so.

Do not be thinking, "Oh but, that still does not give her the right to cheat...," I think she had the right to kill me, beat the shit out of me, kick me to hell...she let me off easy. To this day, she is still suffering for the twisted bullshit I put her through and it was all because of my anger and pride and my demand to be respected. She is not the woman she was but that has little to do with the adultery, but everything to do with herself being betrayed by the person she loved most in this world and more than life itself. “

She was texting this person because he was giving her the guidance and support she should have been receiving from me. I engineered the vacuum in our relationship and then cut her off from good solid support she was receiving from someone who had been like a father to her. In fact, he had been more of a father to her than her actual father. When I nuked her source of strength, she fell for the next sympathetic ear, which morphed into an affair.

I would rather not be here saying these things but she is still crying out for help and trying to protect me at the same time. She has to stop. I want her to know that she need not protect me any longer. If she needs to out me in order to get the help she needs, then so be it. Everything that I did, I thought I was doing for the good of the marriage and what was best for Wishes, but I was a fool. If she starts talking, this fact will be pretty self-evident; I was a fool. It is not easy looking back and seeing what I did to her and obviously I cannot help, other than say again, she need not protect me. I’m a big boy. I can protect myself.

I cannot say more than this because it is her story and concerns a very private matter. My intentions are not to add more drama but to give her a safe place to open her heart, if that is what she desire’s to do.

I used to come to this site and get so upset when I would read of a betrayed spouse that was considering reconciliation, and yet, I envied them at the same time. I do not know if Wishes and I will ever get back together. I've never known. I have left the door open because it was easier than shutting the door completely. I realize now that I have left Wishes in a state of limbo and my desire is to simply help her move forward.

[This message edited by DoneGone at 8:35 AM, March 25th (Friday)]

I'm sure this was tremendously difficult for you to write and post.

Sending you prayers and strength.

Wow, they're really giving it to her pretty good over there. I read the first 20 pages, and the last 10 or so. I am surprised that she hung in there and continued posting!

Her original post seems to be written in a way that she wanted you to read it.

Good luck to you! What she did was awful. I followed the story from the first day.

I'm sure this was tremendously difficult for you to write and post.

Sending you prayers and strength.

I concur with Walloped. Hoping for the best.

Hey DG. It's funny how it's easy to see things from the outside of a situation you're not emotionally tied to. I see both of you love each other very much. I hope one day this whole ugly point in life will be behind you as you two celebrate weddings, grandkids, life, etc.

One question I had, if you know the answer; why has she been hesitant to post in the Wayward section here? I believe it would really help her (and you).

DG

I started out as a member on TAM and found the crowd was mostly a group of blood thirsty cannibals, so I moved here. One of the issues I had was that once a cheater had shown true remorse the posters continued to encourage punishing them by destroying what little was left of their self esteem and character. In order to reconcile the cheating spouse must take a subservient role, but they can't become just a shell of a person.

Wishes has entered the lions den and has performed admirably. She has endured their 2 x 4's as a punishment for her infidelity, but now I agree that it is time for her to move on. She is only punishing herself and will get no help in reconstructing herself as a person that is capable of having a happy life and experience love again.

raven3321

Hey DG. It's funny how it's easy to see things from the outside of a situation you're not emotionally tied to. I see both of you love each other very much. I hope one day this whole ugly point in life will be behind you as you two celebrate weddings, grandkids, life, etc.

One question I had, if you know the answer; why has she been hesitant to post in the Wayward section here? I believe it would really help her (and you).

I agree with you raven. If she is going to continue posting, she should be in the wayward forum here. If I remember correctly, even one of the forum moderators at TAM said these exact words to her. I could be wrong, so don't quote me.

It's really messed up now. I can read her post and she can read mine. So why not come here. She said she would stop reading mine if I would stop reading hers.

If she gives me permission, I will tell her story myself, get it out in the open so she can move forward.

She has not come here because this is my space, she does not want to come off as following me around and the last reason she gave, and I am sure she was joking...she said she had some haters on TAM that would follow her here and mess up her thread here also. Again, I took that as not serious.

Deserta

DG I started out as a member on TAM and found the crowd was mostly a group of blood thirsty cannibals, so I moved here. One of the issues I had was that once a cheater had shown true remorse the posters continued to encourage punishing them by destroying what little was left of their self esteem and character. In order to reconcile the cheating spouse must take a subservient role, but they can't become just a shell of a person.

Wishes has entered the lions den and has performed admirably. She has endured their 2 x 4's as a punishment for her infidelity, but now I agree that it is time for her to move on. She is only punishing herself and will get no help in reconstructing herself as a person that is capable of having a happy life and experience love again.

I am glad you agree and I hope she is reading this.

Oh DG, I wish I could give you a hug. A totally platonic and appropriate hug between two people scarred by infidelity, but a big hug nonetheless.

Alaska77

Oh DG, I wish I could give you a hug. A totally platonic and appropriate hug between two people scarred by infidelity, but a big hug nonetheless.

I could use a totally platonic and appropriate between two people scarred by infidelity hug...

Alrighty DG here's a bro-hug for ya: ((DoneGone))

And yes, yes it was 100% platonic

I had dropped your story during the 'password impasse' period, but have since picked it up and also the thread on TAM as well.

Now I can state my opinion that neither of you seem happy, and that both of you would be better off having had some real IC for some time before ever considering dating anyone, especially one-another. I waited a year before dating (with IC) to get myself together before dating (25 year relationship before D), and IMO it made a world of difference. Anyway that's my opinion, blah, blah, right?

DoneGone to move forward the question you must ask yourself questions like this:

What, in the realm of probable possibility, do I want? How do I go about getting it? Do I have what it takes to accomplish this and if not, how would I go about getting those skills?

[This message edited by antlered at 9:04 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

I really hope she does come here to post. This is the best site out there. The wayward forum is protected, our mods are great, and she would receive advice from those who have been in her shoes and walked the same path. She need not be worried about invading your space, the cross traffic on both of your threads means that is unavoidable now anyway, and I hope she is not really concerned about trolls following her, I am certain that DS and MH can handle that too.

It's good to be able to look back and take responsibility for things in your marriage that didn't work, but don't fool yourself into thinking that this led to her A. It didn't. Wishes had other options, she just didn't take them. If she was looking for someone to confide in, a counsellor would have been the correct choice, not an older male colleague, and certainly not a male acquaintance from her youth.

After reading her thread, all I can say is YIKES! There's still a lot of entitlement on her end and poor boundaries that you will need to work through. She would be better served here but some of the things she's said will not fly with the SI WSes either. Good luck.

...but some of the things she's said will not fly with the SI WSes either.

^^THIS^^ This is exactly why she should be here rather than there. She is being bashed but there is productive bashing and just piling on because hey, I'm miserable so you should be too type bashing. Here she would not be coddled but told the truth.

So DG what is your plan to help Wishes move forward in life?

And what will you do to ensure Wishes that your uncontrolled anger is now in check.

Both of you are in my prayers my friend.

HM

As someone currently living outside the states can someone please tell me what TAM is?

Geez.. For some reason, I had never read your OP. I did yesterday. And her post.

I sincerely sincerely sincerely wish you both would stop involving your kids. They are NOT adults. They are still kids and this is NOT their relationship. As a child of divorce, please stop. Every post involving your kids just disturbs me. And please don't say that they're in it now so you might as well continue. STOP. There was nothing posted there to justify bringing them into this even if the XWBS showed them the thread. Sorry - I just have to say this to you. You have given them a false sense that their input and hopes matter. They don't. This is your marriage. They have not been through this. They are not adults.

Second, I think you've already chosen your path. But I urge you to be extremely cautious. Watch your back.

DG

You are longer than me on SI so I haven't been following your post from day one but I read all off it. I then read your ex wife's entire post on TAM as it was mentioned here. It's good to examine both sides. Personally, I don't like TAM and think that SI is better but not because of the reason you mentioned. Given her manipulative conduct on TAM it's a miracle that she still got that gentle treatment there. It is one of the reason why I know that she's manipulated you to believe a cheater has a valid reason to betray his partner. I call bullshit on her entitlement and arrogance to make the notion that she was entitled in her affair and had a good reason and explanation for it. That you are responsible and her being right to do so. I also don't believe in the rest of the story as in regard to this

The fact that your story was published there is hers and only hers problem. It is a derivative of her behavior and manipulation. The same manipulative behavior she exposed in the conversation with the other man she exposed also there. Now you seem to be completely beaten up like a case of a wife that is manipulated by her husband. There are too much inconsistencies that makes the story of you as an abusive monster unreliable. I don't buy it. In the bottom line your wife is not remorseful, she continues to manipulate you and like every abuser make you to believe that it's you that made her to be that. You may dismiss everything and that's o.k. Yet, your healing will not be possible with someone as manipulative and not remorseful as your ex.

[This message edited by MrSpock at 11:39 AM, March 26th (Saturday)]

Could it be that she can tell she can't "be herself" here? I noticed - as did others on her thread from the beginning - that she seemed flirty and coy with the male responders on her thread. It was disconcerting and a bit vile considering her audience and the subject matter. A quick perusal of the threads and posts in our wayward forum and you'd know that shit wouldn't fly.

Give her your blessing to post here (with a stop sign for sure) and if she wants serious help - she'll post. What difference does it make whether you read her posts here or there?

I'm just not sure our wayward forum would meet her "needs" as she perceives them to be.

Why did you leave out the fact that when she questioned your sanity it was during the texting with your mutual friend and partner, which you found out to be innocent?

You had all of us believing that she said that during her actual affair with video game boy.

And when she got the children involved, and tried to get you to go to counseling, and you refused, was that also during the first texting period with the mutual friend? If the answer was yes, then she did nothing wrong.

People lashed out at her over on TAM, because of your own omissions and mixing of timelines in our your thread. Something to consider: you will not get the help you need here on SI if you aren't honest about the timelines, what you did, when you did it, when she did things, etc.

You said she suffered emotional abuse. You explained some of that. What about the physical abuse and the psychological abuse? What did you do to her?