SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My girlfriend and I have been together for several years. A year ago, she asked how I felt about marriage, and I told her I was having doubts about our relationship. She didn't know I was feeling that way, and felt betrayed. We nearly broke up, but didn't. We started going to therapy together. Things got better. I worked through a lot of my own issues. I bought a ring. I made plans to propose to her the day after she got back from a long business trip.

One day, during her trip, she called and was upset about our relationship, wondering if I would ever be ready to commit. I tried to reassure her, and I told her that I was making plans to propose. A few days later, I asked how she was doing, and she told me that she was okay, but she had something she needed to tell me when she got back.

I went to our therapist alone while she was away. When the therapist heard about this, she asked if it was possible that my girlfriend was cheating. Absolutely not, I said. Our relationship was founded on absolute honesty. And she wasn't the type. But the therapist said that my girlfriend was in a totally different place, surrounded by different people, living a different lifestyle, and people sometimes act out of character in that context. She warned me, but I still didn't really believe her.

The day she got back, my girlfriend told me that she had had a two-week affair on her trip. She had been acting weird, but as she told me about it, she seemed to transform back into her old self. She told me that she regretted it, that she wished she could undo it, and she seemed sincere. I showed her the ring and I told her all about the plans I had made to propose. But obviously I didn't go through with it.

I hate thinking about the timeline. When we cried on the phone together and I told her that I was making plans to propose, the affair didn't end. When she had decided that she was going to tell me about it after she got back, the affair didn't end. The affair didn't end until she got home. That hurts a lot.

She's willing to work on fixing the damage she's done. We're still in therapy. She takes full responsibility, and she's supporting me through my own pain and anger. The other guy is far away, and no threat to us now. It was a long road to get there, but I was truly ready to marry her before this happened. So, in a lot of ways, it seems like our relationship is a great candidate for reconciliation.

On the other hand, god damn, I'm so hurt and so angry. And if it took me so many years to get ready for marriage, maybe that indicates that fixing this isn't worth the effort. And I'm young, and we're not married. I could find someone else. I hated losing what we had. I don't know how hard I should try to rebuild.

The other guy appealed to her with extravagant claims of love. Where I was tepid and unsure of our relationship, he was ardent and absolutely certain. He told her that she was the only one for him, that he wanted to marry her as soon as possible, and that even if she stayed with me, he would wait for her forever (but that she should do what she wants, because he just wants her to be happy). He also told her that he was a virgin, and she was the first person he had ever had sex with. But now she has herpes. We haven't had sex, and I haven't gotten it, but in time, I almost certainly will (if I stay with her). I hate that. But at least it exposes his lies to the both of us. He preyed on her, but neither of us believe that that lessens her responsibility.

She says she feels like the biggest fool. She says all the right things. But should I care? Is it even worth the effort to try? She disrespected me so callously. I know I deserve better. Now that it's over, she's doing everything right, but it was so so wrong. How do I even start to think about this?

Please help.

You'd better think twice before you marry her.

This'll never go away.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

You told her about the proposal and she kept right on sexing the OM??? That tells you everything you need to know.

IMO I'd break it off go dark and never look back. It'll hurt got awhile but what if you're in 10 years with kids and bang it happens again?

You have no idea what pain is. Run now. While you are young and have the chance.

Run.

Please don't risk your health and future with her. You have your whole life ahead of you and these should be the best years of your life.

Hard to hear, I know but you have value. Move on from this/her.

{{{Hugs}}}

Look at how many of us had our marriages disintegrate after 10 or 20 or 30 years. Don't be like us, this is a no brainier: Get out.

I remember the first time I posted here on JFO and I was told to run also .. by many and back then I couldnt understand and even though I wasnt married to him I loved him so much. I was in pain and needed support or some kind of help ..

what I can say to you is this: the pain you are feeling now? it will not simply go away and a year from now if you stay, you will be entering yet another stage of healing that is also filled with pain, and this is IF she does her part as a genuine remorseful partner who is commited to earning trust.

It hurts ALOT and it doesnt just go away. She cant make that hurt you are feeling go away. You need to heal. This is trauma. And it takes time to heal from it.

She also destroyed trust. A relationship without trust is DIFFICULT. It is a long arduous journey with many dips and tight turns and upheavals. It is difficult. 15 months out I finally threw in the towell because it took me 15 months to realize that it was a deal breaker. I tried and tried and tried but all the innocence of that love was gone and I did not want to accept what he did. I did not see him the same and when all the dust began to settle and going into year two, I realized I lost alot of feeling for him (which back in the days after DDAY I thought would have been impossible).

What took her two weeks to break will take years to rebuild.

So when the veterans come on here and say RUN ... it is because you are young and you can pick up and go and healing on our own is easier sometimes.

The choice is yours. Keep posting no matter what you decide. It takes time for some of us.

(((HUGS)))

Toopol, sorry you are here. You are in an awful situation and I hate it for you. After dealing with my WW infidelity for 3 years please think long and hard about what you are proposing to do to yourself... marry a woman that cheats before she was married. He will not be the only guy that sweet talks her in the future and she fell pretty easily for the attention. The herpes on top of that.... Run brother, you might love her but you need a safe partner in marriage and especially in bed.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate every response I get.

Please don't jump down my throat if I sound like I'm just in denial. I need to process this, and I want to ask more questions and push back a little. It's not because I'm not listening. It's because I want to hear more.

It's really hard to have perspective. Most people would tell me to run. But I know there are people who work through it. I know it doesn't count for much, but I trust that she truly regrets and hates that she did it (and not just because of the consequences for her). I don't take responsibility, but does it not matter at all that I had been so unsure of our relationship, leaving her insecure for so long? When *would* it be worth trying?

If you are still with her you are taking way too long to figure this out.

Friend,

Run, run as fast as you can away from this woman and please, don't ever look back.

When my XH and I were dating, he cheated on me. I thought he had seen the error of his ways and wouldn't ever do it again and we'd be able to walk together into the sunset, happily ever after.

Guess what? He did it again. And again. And again. Had I stayed with him, I have no doubt that he would have done it yet again.

There's something about the cheating mindset - the entitlement, the poor coping skills, the selfishness, the lack of empathy - that most just can't comprehend. Some blessed souls can change, but I believe most don't.

Look, you're already in therapy at a time that's supposed to be blissful and trouble-free. There's something really wrong with that. Really REALLY wrong. Surely you see that.

This woman has shown you who she is. Believe her.

You've been given a second chance here - a chance that most of us will never get. Take advantage of it and save yourself years of heartache and a lifetime of wondering if you REALLY know what she's up to.

Run.

I trust that she truly regrets and hates that she did it

No my friend - right now you DESPERATELY WANT TO BELIEVE she truly regrets and hates that she did it. It takes a long, long time to see whether her actions match her words and whether she'll step up to the plate to help heal you and your relationship.

Please run. I've been where you are and a few years out, it's not pretty.

She is supporting you through your pain and anger?

She caused your pain, a pain that will never totally go away.

Two week affair while in contact with you? You are still in shock, you haven't even begun to process the mental movies, what she did, how many times she did it during those two weeks. The calculations and deliberate destruction of your relationship.

You are the fall back. It is not our job to fix her. It is not your job to take on her STD.

You are upset enough to post here and elsewhere, let go, think of yourself, not her. She stopped thinking about you.

OK, a compromise, you need to separate and live alone for a while, you think about things and she continues her IC. At least do that for yourself, at least give yourself a chance. And keep posting here and listen to what these people say - take their advice.

Toopol,

She called you while in the trip to break with you thats what she wanted to tell you,and thats why she kept the Affair going on after talking to you. She wanted OM more than you... Now that Plan A revealed his true colors she is back to Plan B, you！

IMO you should really left her, as you can not marry someone you dont trust and she wants so bad to be marry and seems that no matter to whom.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 11:47 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]

You're in the EASY phase of the relationship now. No mortgage, no kids, no combined finances. It should be fantastic right now. Excited about the future, honest, in love. And she's cheating on you. You wait until things get stressful. She has poor coping skills now. Throw in kids and marriage stress and she has no way to deal with it. Plus, she already proved you can't trust her. Dude.......RUN. Most of us would have been so thankful to have been given a clue and a chance to just walk away. You have that chance now.

I just hate that this is happening to you. But I have to agree with the posters who are telling you to run. Your GF betrayed you even after knowing that you intended to propose. She didn't come running back right away. She kept having fun! If she has such little strength of character at this stage in your relationship, I cannot even imagine what she will do to you when faced with the normal stresses of marriage, pregnancy, and child-rearing. She is mentally weak.

And the fact is that once you get herpes from her, there are thousands of potential mates that will no longer consider a relationship with you if you separate from her in the future. Why would you do that to yourself?

Please think long and hard before continuing a relationship with this woman. You deserve better.

Get out now.

Consider it a blessing that you found out what kind of person your girlfriend really is. Better now than after building a life together, thinking you know her so well and then years later being blind sided and wondering who the hell this person is that you married.

You said it yourself, you're young and can start over. Listen to your own inner voice, it will not steer you wrong on this.

I just saw this in the Newbies - Important Info stickied thread:

5. Don't take advice from people that have never experienced infidelity or ones that immediately say "cut and run...". They are not in your shoes and do not know your history and/or investment with your relationship.

On the one hand, it's true, nobody here knows my situation better than I do. And our therapist thinks we can work through it.

On the other hand, ~95% of people I'm asking are saying "run for your life". It's a little much to dismiss.

She must have really enjoyed the sex if she kept doing it for the full 2 weeks.

Good luck with your marraige. I don't hold much hope for you, but maybe you will overcome the odds. Nobody knows how things will work out.

You should probably get checked for STDs.

Toopol, Every one posting in this particular forum is a Betrayed Spouse. These folks are experienced and seasoned in what, I assume, is new to you.

This site, as a whole, is arguably the most pro-Reconciliation forum to be found, IMHO. You are not going to find calmer and more reasoned opinions elsewhere. Even some of the posters above acknowledge that they do not usually advocate 'cut n'run', but with what you presented of your history and experience it is painfully obvious what the best choice is.

I know this is painful and horrible and you are turning everywhere you can think of to try and fix it, to make sense of it. 'It' is the relationship that your SO destroyed, It does not exist anymore. The person you were going to propose to does not exist anymore, or is not who you thought she was. That is OK. Knowledge is good.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 AM, April 24th (Sunday)]

But I know there are people who work through it

You were in therapy before she cheated, now you're in therapy after she's cheated....and this is before YOU'RE MARRIED!

Dating/relationships are supposed to be the audition before committing (and let's say marriage is a big commitment even with the relative ease of being able to divorce these days) and she's already cheated, and please don't feed into the nonsense about she wasn't sure you were committed, like you said she entered the affair knowingly and didn't stop until she was home, so she did it because she wanted to.

So even if you've forgiven, what's the timeline until you fully trust? Ready for marriage, even after marriage the hurt will still not have gone away, and if her reasons for doing this are so flaky, what about when you have kids, even bigger financial commitments, not enough time for each other, more hours at work?

End of the day up to you what decision you make. But as a grown man, don't say you weren't warned, up to you whether you want to commit to this woman after what she's done.