SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

High school sweethearts, been together since we were 17. Both close to each other's families and my mom thinks of her as a daughter. The love of my life who's saved every little note present and anniversary gifts and cards has been having an emotional/texting relationship with a co worker.

She started being distant a few months ago and I did some snooping and found out she has been texting this number everyday with many messages. I confronted her she said it was just a friend of hers from work but now she says she's fallen for him and doesn't know what she wants. She says she's loves me and doesn't want to divorce but she's just so confused. Saying I've been ignoring her needs and working too much and not giving her enough affection and attention.

We had this house built because it was her dream house, now she just wants to destroy everything. The women who was my rock since high school has been having inappropriate relations with another man. I suggested counseling but she is skeptical and doesn't know if it will help. She just keeps saying she doesn't want to get divorced because she still "loves me"

What the fuck do I do? We both make the same amount of money and have a nice house that we built mostly because of her. Told her to stop contact and she said ghosting him is a shitty thing to do. I guess getting your emotional needs met by someone other than your husband is perfectly fine. I don't smoke don't drink and I'm in shape, I

was a good husband to her and took care of all her needs.

From my evidence this inappropriate relationship has been going on for 4 months. She said she isn't sleeping with the guy but I'm sure it's headed or probably did already happen. I broke down at work today and my boss thankfully let me take the day off. I found this all out 9 days ago. Told her maybe she should leave because I should be the number one man in her life. She won't leave the house and said maybe I should stay with my parents for a few days. (Also is against us sleeping in seperate beds). She has also been more angry and easier to flip out on stupid shit, she was never like this before.

I found this website from reddit and I just cross posted my thread here. 11 Days out from D-day, she wants to do counseling but is still having conversations with the other man. I have the texts recovered but too afraid to look at them. She said it will just hurt me more than I already have been. She also thinks we should do counseling but I'm just so fucking angry. We were also starting to try for kids this year. Were both 31, thank you.

To clarify the other man is 34 divorced and has two kids.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 1:56 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

First: Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

Sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place and a few will come by to give their perspective. Listen to the advice, but try to look at it objectively. Our purpose is to get you out of infidelity first.

If you have no kids, consider yourself lucky (as much as you can be in situations of infidelity).

You have one less thing to consider when making a decision.

You need to take care of yourself first.

Contact a lawyer and get answers to see what your options are.

Eat healthy and get drink plenty of water. get some rest and exercise.

Look into counseling for yourself first. When you are clear on what you want, make a decision on whether you are looking to save the marriage.

As far as your wife: find out who this other guy is, is he married? If so, expose to his wife.

Don't make promises or threats you can't or won't keep.

Start focusing on you and do not try to win her back. Trying to win them back rarely works, read some of the post around here.

If she is serious about possibly saving the marriage, then he cannot be in the picture are all. She will continue to be confused as long as she keeps talking to the OM.

best of luck to you.

Do not leave your home!

There is good information in the healing library that will help you navigate through this betrayal. Sadly you should be tested for STDs. Sometimes you have to be ready to give up the marriage to save the marriage...the shock may jar her from the affair fog. You did nothing to deserve the betrayal, blame shifting is a common strategy for wandering spouses.

Sorry you are here but its a great place to find help i will not say much just yet for im only 4 months out of d day but we can talk later

Sorry you are here and this is happening to you.

1. There is absolutely NO reason to attend MC with a spouse that is still active in her affair. That would be a waste of time and money.

2. You need to read the texts, you need to know the truth so you can make a decision about your future.

3. If she is having the affair in your face then you need to file for divorce or ask her to move out of the house.

My WW was actively having sexting affairs in my face for 10 months and it nearly destroyed my soul. Don't make my mistake, get tough now, put your foot down, tell her to end it or pick her crap and get out, that is the attitude you need right now.

Sorry to see you here with us.

The 180 in the the Healing Library here will help, the sooner you can detach, it will likely break the fantasy 'fog' she is in. The feelings she thinks she has - the vast majority of the time are not real, despite what she thinks now.

The details are also likely to be far worse than what she has told you thus far.

Don't leave your house - I agree with the previous post.

But detaching will let her know she can't have her cake and eat it too. Grab divorce papers, file them - that can help a bunch.

Whatever you decide, you have to take care of you first and then maybe your WS will wake up. If she doesn't, you're protected.

Thanks to those that have been replying. She shows flashes of her being the woman I've been in love with since high school and her in love with me. She won't leave the house and I just started sleeping in a separate bed two days ago to her protests. She gave me a long hug and said she doesn't want us to sleep separately.

She also shows flashes of anger and rage, when I took her phone and told her I was going to recover the texts she threatened to leave and came up to my face screaming saying I don't have a right to crying saying it will hurt me to look. I don't understand how the woman who I've been with for so long and have built so much with would risk throwing it all away.

I don't want to divorce, but will take the steps necessary if it comes to that.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 2:16 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

Sorry you are here, and you will receive advice from people who have been what you are going through. Must of us made some mistakes, and some of us handled it like a pro right off of the bat.

First thing to come to terms with is she is probably sleeping with the guy. Its a typical line of lies they all tell.. "only friends", "we just kissed" "he put it in, but took it out right away", "ok, we F**ked once", " we did it more times than I can count"...

You are being lied to and your W is having feelings for another man. That right there is enough for you to file for D and not look back (no kids makes it much easier)!! But, if you need more proof or think you can get past the A, I suggest a VAR in her car, Dr. Fone or something similar to recover old texts, pics, etc. Another good idea is to hire a PI if you can afford it.

You will also need to out her to all your friends and family. If you want to go the R route, she needs to be knocked off the fence and brought back into reality. She wont understand how much you are hurting if she is still wanting the OM more than you.

Another good way to knock her off of the fence is to pack up her shit in trash bags and drop it off at the OM's house. Then tell her to enjoy! Tell her she can do what she wants, just not have a BF while your wife. She has to know you are serious and wont put up with her shit.

Keep posting and let us know what you plan to do, D or R. The advice from these posters can save your sanity!!

She is in lala land your marriage cant not compare to thw affair while she is in lala land

First of all, you should be in your bed, not her! She is the cheating spouse. If she wont leave, make her sleep on the couch.

W can compartmentalize REALLY WELL! Everything can seem normal until you start to catch on. Then, when you threaten to uncover (recover text on her phone) they can turn on a dime.

This should tell you that there is more than what she has told you. Tip of the iceberg my friend!

You need to take control of this situation. Take her phone and lock your self into a room or go somewhere to get the texts. Please act strong and don't put up with her emotions. This will serve you better in the long run and put and end to this one way or another much faster.

She has sworn on her mothers life she hasn't had sex with the other dude. But she feels a strong connection with him and doesn't know if it's love or a fog. She said she still loves me but this other guy makes her feel so special.

Also the guest room is nicer than our bedroom, so I actually prefer to sleep in there. Get this the other day she was asking me what color should we wear together to my cousins wedding coming up and my opinion on some dresses and shoes. Unbelievable.

manualgtr has mentioned twice that his WW refuses to leave..I don't think hefty bagging her stuff will accomplish much in this case..Except to create a neighborhood scene..

If he needs her to be out of the house now (as is in my case) he will have to go ahead and file for divorce...He can bark all he wants, but unless or until he has filed, he won't have the bite of the law behind him...He needs to be GRANTED exclusive use of the house in order to kick her out/have her escorted out..There may still be a waiting period that gives her time to move out..

But in the mean time treat her as nothing more than a roommate who is a stranger...

You might want to have a way to record your interactions, especially arguments and fights..In case, as the D progresses she gets crazy or vindictive in creating situations that get you thrown in jail..

180 in the calmest way possible..

Build yourself up in a way that you can be your best self even without a partner...

The wisdom here is that one has to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it..That may be what it takes to be finally treated with respect..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:37 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

Read the texts. You can't forgive what you don't know. It will hurt of course but trust me some kind of blanket forgiveness to then find out it was much worse would really make you feel like crap.

When she says it will hurt you I would just tell her that writing them is what hurt you and she did that.

Do you find it disturbing that she can simultaneously say she wants you to sleep in the same bed...while she carries on with another man against your wishes?

If you have any interest in saving your marriage, you need to start showing her consequences quickly.

Sorry you are here.

I'm sure your wife is a great woman, mine is/was and many other on here are too. This thread would expand to 100 pages if we asked how many WW's swear on their childrens/parents lives that they have not sleep with the OM. She is a lair and a cheat, you need to verify every thing she says.

This is for you to think about, because you will fail in the end if you don't know the entire Truth if you and her R. A VAR in her car will revel a lot of truth to you in a few days.

And remember, never tell her how you know details. Lairs and cheats will find new ways to communicate if they know who how you know.

Its hard for us to fathom this, but a WS can act completely normal/loving/caring at home after spending the day banging someone else. This is the reason its so hard for us trusting BSs to catch on. Your situation is so like 1000s of others on this site. So is your wife.

What the fuck do I do?

You start working to get yourself out of the infidelity shit storm your WW has thrust you into.

Please head up the Healing Library and read all you can. I would start to read the text too. I know it is scary but you truly need to know what you are dealing with.

Your wife is still in the A. If she is still in contact with the OM, she is still in the A.

At some point you are going to have to demand she stops contact with him if she wants to stay married to you. That is scary too but at least it stops her from playing you both.

Time to take back control of you. And start to pave a path forward.

We are sorry you are here and this is so hard and heart wrenching. There is no magic pill, magic wand or easy way through it. But you can and will survive.

Post often and know that her decision to cheat is her character issue not yours.

Good luck.

If I had a nickel for every time I have read that a WS has sworn on someone important life they did not sleep with the OP and then later found to have done so, I would be independently wealthy.

What does your gut tell you?

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 2:40 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

Don't punish yourself by sleeping in guess bed. She's the one that is betraying the marriage, so she should leave the marriage bed.

The reason she's telling you not to read her emails/text/Snap chat/FB, is because it will reveal the depth of her betrayal. We had a poster who's wife refused the BH her pass code to her phone. She said it's because he would "misunderstand" what was in there. She even got their college age daughters to intervene by telling them a complete lie. Got him thinking he had anger issues and that he needed IC. When he finally got into her phone, the betrayal was MUCH worse than he envisioned.

You must know that for your wife her new man is exciting. Every compliment he gives has meaning. Every joke is super funny. You could say the same thing but it wouldn't mean a thing.

I'm sorry to say that there is 99.44% certainty that this is a sexual PA with I love you's exchanged. Expect her to ask for some time apart to "think" about what she wants. That will be to test drive this guy without you breathing down her neck.

Ya my ww did the bible her kids her mom its all lies have you ever seen a drug acticc same thing my friend only believe 1\4 what you see and a 1\4 of what she saids

Your best weapon in ending the affair is exposure. Expose to parents, relatives and close friends. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Next, she will have to quit her job. As long as she is in contact with the AP coworker,the affair will continue.