SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just looking for opinions. I'm not sure what to think. My wife and I have been married over 20 years. We have 4 kids and a happy life. Or we did. About a year ago I noticed that my wife started pulling away Spending time in the bedroom alone. Sleeping more. I thought maybe she was going through a little bit of depression. Around this time I became aware that she was communicating online with an old boyfriend her first love they were together for about five years when they were teenagers She says that they have been talking for years but truthfully I think they just started talking this year he is not married recently divorced. I didn't give much thought to this.

In January she mentioned wanting to take a trip to see her best friend back in the Midwest I was all for this because she has not seen her in years Her friend ask her to travel to the East Coast for several days to help her do some of her business work and then they were going to drive back to where she lives about eight hours away I have very little problem with this even knowing that where she was traveling was within 2 hours of her old boyfriend. I even suggested they get together for dinner I'm not the jealous sort. Since then.all these little things are happening. By themselves they look like nothing but I just started looking at them altogether and I have a very bad feeling My wife is beautiful but has always been overweight she has recently lost 65 pounds and looks spectacular. You would think looking as good as she does she would be more interested in sex we are never intimate anymore. Literally nothing since February. However she is buying lingerie and sexy underwear. It's never been worn the tags are still on. Recently I found birth control pills in her drawer I have had a vasectomy She claims the doctor put her on them to regulate her menstrual cycle I accused her of hiding them from me and she looked at me like I was stupid and said she wouldn't have kept them on her nightstand if she was hiding them I guess that could be true. She's constantly on her cell phone. We used to have the same password for her phone she has a new password and is very very protective of her phone. And everything she does centers around the strip she is taking in a few weeks. She doesn't try to hide her friendship with this guy I know she's not seen anyone locally because I can account for her whereabouts almost 100% of the time. What do you all think I am I paranoid or if she possibly having an affair

Hello and welcome.

That all sounds like affair behavior to me. Especially guarding the phone and buying lingerie. Trust you gut.

One thing you can do maybe is plant a voice activated recorder pen (you can get one on Amazon, they're expensive but worth it). Put it in her suitcase in a pocket or under the lining and then when she gets back you'll know. The results might not be pleasant to listen to, but if you want solid proof...

Good luck!

Thank you that's a good idea I never knew something like that existed I really don't want to try and make her cancel this trip. She would not and I'll always wonder. Maybe this is naïve but I feel like I want to let it play out and deal with the reality from there. I'm a good husband. I work long hours. She works minimal hours working at our children's school. There is part of me that thinks that she is simply not capable. But on the other hand I was talking to her brother and he says that everyone in the family thought she would marry this guy and the breakup was very painful on both. Took them years to get over each other

Yes, when taking each thing on their own, they seem insignificant, but put it together, it certainly looks like something is going on. I wish I had acted earlier than I did when I noticed small things, live and learn I guess. I wouldn't give up much to her and monitor. Tons of resources here from people that have been exactly where you are. Sorry man.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean she isn't cheating.

What you are going to hear from nearly every person who posts on your thread is that each of these things, by itself, is a red flag. Add them all up and it's nearly a cinch she's cheating. But all of this is still circumstantial.

It sounds as though this guy lives far away - right? Do you think maybe it was a one-time roll in the hay or an ongoing thing? As hard as any of this is for you to accept, could she have a local guy too?

Maybe your marriage can be saved but as long as you are in the dark there is no chance of repairing anything. You must find answers to all of these questions. The first thing you have to do is find a way to get into her phone. Then check her social media accounts, her browser history, and her email account(s). Maybe put a voice recorder in her car or somewhere else she feels she can safely talk in private. Finally, you could hire a private investigator.

The other route is to confront her now. You could start by insisting that you begin marriage counseling and, during your first session, put your cards on the table and demand that she confess.

[This message edited by anoka at 6:06 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

If she has an iPhone and uses iTunes, you can download a free program to retrieve the phone from last backup or last time she updated using iTunes. Very easy, don't need the phone. It worked for me, broke my heart but got what I needed.

There's an old saying,"where there's smoke there's fire". I think keeping in contact with an old boyfriend is a slippery slope to say the least.

Old trick, suggest enthousiastically that you will come along with her on her trip, and see how she reacts, if happy then that is a good thing and go with her, if defensive then that means trouble and time to ask her what is wrong and still go with her, letting her just go and waiting whatever will happen is not a good idea I think (know)...

I fear if you allow her to go on this trip with nothing said beforehand, you will live to regret it. Lots of things flashing red here...especially changing the password on her phone and the new lingerie in spite of no interest in sex. She could be telling the truth about the birth control, but that wouldn't make me feel much better.

I would definitely say an affair is brewing. I highly suggest you get some spyware on her phone immediately to stop this before it becomes physical. Emotional Affairs are hard enough to work through, but once it goes physical... that is a truly difficult thing for a betrayed spouse to work past.

Hey Isittrue,

The similarities between your situation and mine are incredible. My WW also connected with her first boyfriend (she lost her virginity to him at 13) through FB. She became distant, lost all interest in intimacy, became very secretive with her phone and social media, and started taking birth control, also claiming her doctor wanted her to use it.

I didn't know about her contact with the old BF but he was also recently divorced and saw my WW as a free ride, as he lost everything in his divorce.

My WW started as an EA and went to a full blown PA when he travelled across the country to see her.

Do not let them turn this into a PA, trust me, you will regret it. If she meets him on this trip, your road to R will be so much harder.

I would confront her, and tell her you think the relationship is inappropriate, and you ask to have access to her phone. If she refuses, you will know she is having a EA already, as you already suspect.

[This message edited by Robster66 at 7:39 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

If she goes and has sex with him won't you regret not having done all you could before it got there. We hear that alot in those cases - if only I'd ....

Well that didn't go as planned. I feel like this is a cat and mouse game. I asked for her phone. She gladly handed it over. Almost in a smirky way Nothing was there. Nothing. But here's the thing I didn't mention although she works part time at the kids school she used to be head of the IT department for a very large company she's way more savvy than me with this tech stuff I don't suspect i will ever catch her that way. I would offer to go on the trip with her but she knows full well I've used all my vacation this year and we can't afford me to take time off. So for now I wait and watch. Here is the thing...I'm not sure if she is willing to have a physical affair I want to work things out. I don't want to live my life policing her. I guess time will tell

It is beta males who face infidelity. Be an alpha male. You said you want to play this out and take action if she went ahead and hooked up with him? otherwise confront her now. All the signs are there

with a smirk? She is even teasing you eh? Ask her directly do not beat around the bush. Even you can tell her you do not approve her taking this trip because you do not feel comfortable. looks like she has no feelings towards you anymore. If you want to salvage marriage you want to play hard and act like you are going to end it if infidelity happens. No sex for months while shaping up- do you need any more clues. She does not hide - looks like an exit affair is in the making. You may end up losing everything and paying child support if this trip go through.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:24 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Nope. Time will NOT tell - what time WILL do is make you regret your decision to "watch and wait" for the rest of your life. Please - do me and every other male member of this board a favor and do NOT just let this trip happen. A "possible" affair is one thing - a definite affair will turn you inside out and eat you alive for the rest of your life. Do NOT be passive.

There are a LOT of roads you can take, even if your wife has you on the IT edge. Tomorrow, put a VAR in her car -taped under her front seat. That will catch her conversations. In a few days, take her phone during the night and don't give it back to her. In the morning let her know that you took the phone to your own IT guy and he's downloading all her texts. I've got ten dollars that says that the look on her face will be all you need to know.

Look - I know this sucks for you. It did for all of us. But the fact is that there is a LOT of smoke here - and that typically means fire. Something is very wrong and you have the opportunity to stop it.

There is, of course, one more option. You simply let her know that you think she's having an affair - that you think she already slept with this guy and you think she is going to meet up with him again. She'll deny it, of course. So simply tell her that you've already booked a polygraph test in an hour and you want her to come take it - right now. No questions asked. If she agrees - go through with it. There's a very high probability that you're going to get a lot of gut-spilling in the parking lot. Or, she'll say okay and then, when she gets there, refuse.

Do not ignore your gut. Do not ignore the signs.

Please, for those of us who have been down this trainwreck of infidelity it has been absolute life-altering. Address it and address it NOW.

If there is any way you can afford it, hire a PI to follow her on the trip, once there is photographic evidence, his/her work is done.

I also agree with the VAR...get several for your cars and house.

While you may not be able to use them for legal proceedings, they may provide all you need to know for yourself.

For now, take a breath and read the following threads...

Newbies...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=120134

The Tactical Primer...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

So she is tech savvy...she is obviously overconfident.

Do you have access to the online billing info for her phone line?

If so you may glean a lot from it.

If you have access to her phone backups, another great source, or if you can get physical access to the phone and run a scan, even better.

I got 35k+ deleted texts off my WW's iPhone, you can too I'm sure.

Remember that a phone is just a very small computer with a radio, and the memory in a phone works much the same as a HDD in a computer...erasing only the reference info for files when they are "deleted".

In other words, unless the area of memory has been recently overwritten, the files are likely still there and can be recovered.

Right now you need to play it cool, and don't let her know you are on to her, otherwise she will work harder to cover her tracks.

Isittrue619,

Since you've already accused her, in effect, of cheating, I don't see what you have to lose by putting your cards on the table, especially if you really are prepared to end the marriage if she cheats. Of course, if you ask her if she's doing anything wrong she will deny it and you don't have any proof that she is, so you will have to take another approach.

What I would do in your circumstances is tell her just what you've told us. Say that based on her behavior you believe she's planning on meeting up with her former paramour, that that is unacceptable to you, that if she wants to remain married she will cancel the trip and agree to work with you on revitalizing your marriage, and that if she refuses you plan to file for divorce.

I would present this to her in as unemotional a manner as possible and decline to discuss it or negotiate with her but, instead, just keep reiterating in measured tones that you've made up you mind and now it's time for her to make up hers.

If she is having an EA and plans to meet him, there's a chance she will turn you down. But, again, I don't see that you much to lose with this approach if the alternative is to let her go and divorce her if she cheats. On the other hand, if you are convincing about your preparedness to end the marriage and if she is unwilling to throw her marriage away, this might win you a chance to try to reconcile.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

I agree with the above approach, but only after you have difinitive evidence in hand, though I still would not disclose how you know.

IS the BF married. You can contact him also and ask what the hell is going on and if he is married you can have it as a chip

It sounds like she is planning to meet up with him to me. Besides, the birth control pills and you have a vasectomy??? That is a huge red flag. It is possible that the doctor put her on them for her period but what woman goes on a daily pill and doesn't say "Hey, hubby, the doctor put me on birth control pills to regulate my period. Pretty crazy since you have a vasectomy and I don't need them." I mean, I would have mentioned it to my H. Just saying.

You really don't want to wait and see what happens. I was an idiot and I didn't question could of trips my WH went on even though they didn't really make sense. I wish I would have been more vocal and that I would have put my foot down. At the very least, he would not have been able to ruin those places he went with her by tainting them with his betrayal. Now I have trouble with NYC, Chicago and Las Vegas. YOU try watching a TV show, or movie that isn't based in one of those places. She lives in LA, so that is messed up, too. UGH.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I doubt your tech savvy wife is aware of Dr. Fone. Down load it and get her phone. It will tell you so much.

Good luck.