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When cofession happens, is it best if the wayward tries to curb her tears, so that the betrayed spouse does not feel the automatic instinct to comfort his victimizer even as she is gutting him? Or would trying to suppress emotion be seen as remoreselessness instead of an attempt to keep the focus on the emotional needs of the wounded?

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 7:30 PM, June 2nd (Friday)]

Confess in a heartfelt way, and be 100% honest about everything. Do not blame shift. Would you expect your spouse to not cry when you tell them what you have been up to? Cry if you need to, it will do nothing to assuage the pain of the innocent party.

I think it depends upon why you are crying. Who you are and what your normal marriage dynamics are. We have friends whose wife is a cryer for everything. Every argument turns into her crying. Every slight. Every disagreement with anyone. She must play the victim and go into histrionics to deal. Personally, I see it as manipulation. It is annoying as all Hell. She turns everything into being about her and if it is she manipulates the conversation about how she is just wrong, horrible, or can't do anything right. Needless to say we don't hang with them very much and it will not be happening ever after their divorce. The husband is divorcing her due to her drinking and her selfishness. So, if you are prone to doing something similar-every time there is conflict-I would say do not turn into a mess for him to feel any guilt over.

I think it really depends on your history. WH is a crier. He cried profusely when I found 'minor' infractions and confronted him. So, when I found the real truth, he tears were meaningless. Even now that we are on the road to recovery, nothing shuts me down emotionally like seeing him cry.

However, he never confessed. I found out. You are in a different place. I'd say just be genuine.

Honesty. Authenticity. Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

When you're together for a really long time, there may be some secrets but most of our best manipulations don't work anymore after a decade or so.

In other words, crocodile tears are very discernible from genuine remorse.

My wife's confession was heartfelt -- she held on to that information for years and to finally be able to tell me about it broke the long standing invisible divide between us.

It hurt like Hell, but it was the most important moment we have ever shared. I've experienced good, bad, and faux aspects of our lives and this new authenticity is so much better (to me).

Honesty. Authenticity. Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

This, please. Just be real.

Honesty. Authenticity. Stop trying to manipulate the situation.

Yes. This. Absolutely this. Infidelity is a lie... if you want to recover from those lies, then you have to set very high standards for yourself going forward. Be completely honest and genuine.

Just be 100% authentic, that's all your BS is really looking for.

Simple go with what you are feeling at the time. Do not try to alter or hide your feelings.

There are enough lies and manipulation already. Don't add to his hurt by trying to avoid 100% responsibility. Anything less hurts his image of you even further.

@Zugzwang. I'm surprised by your attitude, and admit, somewhat triggered. I usually think your posts are spot on, and full of empathy. Thinking that a crying woman is manipulative is the essence of a sexist stereotype. If she is playing the victim that's one thing, but simply crying may be her honest emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat, commercials, youtube videos, songs, etc. And I surely cried when I jfo. My husband would also claim that I was manipulating him when he was really trying his best to ignore any emotions that he found unpleasant. Of course, he didn't think the strippers that were getting lots of his money were manipulating. Just really needed that cash for tuition.

Blitzkrieg, be honest, be open be genuine. Recognize and respect his emotions and your own.

Thanks to all who gave positive, respectful responses. I worry, because I'm going to be gutting him, and if I'm supposed to be genuine I will be crying so hard it will be difficult to talk. His instinct will be to comfort ME when HE is the one who is getting his life ripped to shreds. That's not fair or right, and that's what worries me. Honestly, I don't know if I could keep it together if I tried, so it may be a moot query.

The genuine me has been crying alone every day for months. I can't imagine what I will be like when rending my husband's soul.

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 9:33 PM, June 2nd (Friday)]

This may sound flippant, but it isn't meant to be. You've already done the damage to him; his M has a gaping chest wound he just hasn't realized it yet. Regardless, the wound will kill the M if it is not tended to. So, confessing is actually your first step to making it better. What that means at this point is uncertain, and that's why you must be brave to start his healing.

ScardyKatmy wife crys at the drop of the hat but it over stuff that is sad. She cries over many TV shows and cries when Daenerys dragons weren't happy with her for locking them up.

This woman cries at every slight. Not at sad stuff. Then starts up the poor me speech. I and everyone else around her can tell it is manipulation. It is more like a temper tantrum type of cry. Shuts off immediately when she gets her way. The mouth on her. Man. She would put a truck driver to shame. I am sure there are real emotions behind it. Frustration, anger, entitlement. I don't see it as being a stereotype at all. It is a person thing. Her thing. She just happens to be a woman. In truth she acts like my daughter did at 4. You really have never met anyone that uses crying to get what they want? We have know these people since 1993. We know her. She is a drama queen and if that is a stereotype so be it.

Zugzwang, I beg your pardon. I thought stereotyping was out of character for you. I see that there is more to that story than I first perceived.

Blitzkreig, honesty, no matter what form it takes, is really the best policy. Our formerly dysfunctional family is much healthier and happier since the secrets stopped and emotions are respected.

This query was not about lying or using tears to manipulate. This was about whether or not I should stifle my emotions for the benefit of my betrayed spouse during confession so that the focus could be on HIS pain and not mine. I was also concerned that if I attempt to hold in my own pain he might get the wrong impression that I do not care, and that might cause him more pain.

It's about HIM, guys, not me.

No matter. I know I will lose it completely, so it's a moot point.

Thanks to the responders who took the original query at face value.

No problem Kat. I really try not to sexual stereotype. I do personality stereotype. Those come in male and female. Though if examples of one sex aren't present at the current moment it probably comes across as sexual stereotyping. I am more it takes all types.

Blitzkreig I don't think this is something you can really be prepared for or control. It just happens and unfolds. We can tell you what not to do but at the moment you are confronted with your own fears and pain you could very well choose to protect yourself and become defensive or blameshift. I guess the best thing to say is it really depends upon how broken you are. At least you aren't in the fog for your AP. That is a bonus.

Gently, again and again you are escaping from doing the job by asking these questions. And let me tell you what: from my experience and observations, the odds you are actually going to confess are not that high.

It reminds me this: "The most pernicious aspect of procrastination is that it can become a habit. We don't just put off our lives today; we put them off till our deathbed."

If you really want to confess, there will be no better moment than right now. And if you look at yourself honestly and ask for which reason you are posing these questions about tears, etc. you will see that there is no any other reason than your fear of actually making an effort to come clean and take responsibility for what you have done and are doing right now by keeping your spouse in the dark.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 7:52 PM, June 9th (Friday)]

No. Just trying to learn how to reduce the trauma for my husband. Or at least not make it worse.

Blitz

I have nothing more to offer than what you already know. If this is your chosen path, I wish you the best. Knowing how awful and tough this decision is, I can empathize with the position you find yourself in. I will simply say I support you in whatever path you choose to take.

Peace to you.