SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a wayward spouse (husband). I am 42 yo, and my wife and I have been married for 17 years and we have 4 children (oldest is 14). I had a "main" affair on my wife between Sep 2016 - Jul 2017, which was how I got caught. We were second degree friends on FB, and she IM'd me "happy birthday" back in September, and our affair evolved from there. She was out of state, so we got together physically 3 times: once in October for a few days; once in December for a few days (both at her house) and once a few weeks ago to see a concert. We had sex in Oct and Dec, but not in July (although that doesn't really matter). We had an EA; I gave her money to help her out of some tough financial situations. We professed love to each other. Looking back, I believe I was infatuated, but who knows. I never had any intention of leaving my wife for this woman. It is now over, completely, and we are having no contact.

But that wasn't everything. My wife caught my "main" affair last Monday July 17. She urged me to divulge everything, which I did two days ago (7/25). EVERYTHING:

I joined Ashley Madison in roughly December 2016, and I have met 6 people on AM (during Dec-Apr 2016 timeframe), had dates with 5; had sex twice with one and multiple times with another; and had an ongoing emotional affair (never met in person) with the 6th.

I've had unprotected sex with 3 people during this timeframe: my "main" affair and the two AM women.

I had sex (with a condom) with a stripper one night while away on business.

There were a handful of other attempts to have affairs with others I met from CL or in person while away on business, but nothing actually evolved physically.

All of the above occurred quite recently: Sept 2016 thru a few weeks ago. Before that I had never physically cheated on my wife. But I've also been on chat rooms and talking / having phone sex with 2 additional people for quite some time (>5 years). I guess one could say my infidelity "graduated" from less risky to very risky. All of it is bad.

Also, I have a long standing habit of buying "stuff" without consulting with my wife. Nothing super expensive (stuff between $200-$1000; gear, clothes, fitness equipment). We have a general agreement to consult with each other on anything over $200. One purchase was particularly bad: I took a handgun safety class and applied for gun permits. My wife adamantly directed me not to get a gun. But I did anyway. I locked it away safely and responsibly, but nonetheless I broke a promise. I put my wants and desires above a promise to my wife...same fundamental betrayal as an affair. I am NOT equating this to infidelity. It has just begun clear to me over this past week that all of this is linked and I definitely have a problem.

I don't mean to sound cold and remorseless as I itemize these things. Quite the contrary: I am horrified. I can't believe I did this. The "main" affair was bad enough, but with everything else I vomited up, I am incredibly mortified, ashamed, so very sorry; I have deceived and betrayed her on multiple fronts. I have deeply hurt the person in this world I care most about; I have put her health at risk; and I have ruined my marriage, possibly irrevocably, and risked the welfare of my children. I very much love my wife and our life together. I always have. I never was looking to leave. I have NO IDEA why I did these things, or why I deliberately ignored catastrophic consequences and failed to stop myself. And these things are not stumbles. Careful forethought and planning and intent went into them!

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. It all became crystal clear to me what a scumbag I am; and that I do not think I am that man. But I am. I do not want to be from now on. I want to repair whatever I can and hopefully get to some level of a happy marriage again with my wife. And I want to figure out why I did these astronomically stupid and reckless things, and to ensure I never do them again. My wife is wonderful. I love her more than anything in the world. And I love my family. All I need is her and them and I put it all at risk for nothing.

After the main affair was exposed, my wife and I were making some progress toward beginning reconciliation. After my disclosure a few days ago, we are balancing on a razor's edge. We had a very difficult conversation last night (to say the least), and I believe she wants to reconcile, but has no idea if she can possibly get past this vast pile of horrible things I've done. She said she still wants to exhaust all possibilities to save our marriage and our family. I do too.

I have taken some steps in the right direction:

1) I f_cked up several times over the past week and contacted the "main" OP, as well as one other OP with whom I actually developed a meaningful friendship (all over text and phone). This second OP was actually helping me as a friend to cope with this situation this past week. But I realize that this can't happen any more if reconciliation is to be successful. As of this morning, I killed all these contacts dead. No contact with anyone any more.

2) I have divulged everything I possibly remember to my wife. I drained the swamp.

3) I have seen 2 therapists and 1 more today. By tonight I will pick one and enter into intensive therapy to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and how to never ever do this again, and how to best go about reconciling with my wife.

4) I have joined this site as a support network.

5) I have expressed extreme grief, regret, sorrow, commitment to reconcile . I am 1000% sincere and authentic. It is of course just words right now.

6) I will never do this again. Cliché, I know, but the harm I have caused, and the anguish I feel...I never want this again. So I am committed to this.

7) I am actively working with my wife to get monitoring apps up and running on my phone and ipad so she can monitor me (at her urging). I walked her through all of our financial accounts and cash flow so she has visibility. She was worried I had 'secret accounts' or was stockpiling money to leave her -- I never was doing either.

8) I am getting tested for STDs today

9) I am actively looking to sell the handgun; and i'm selling a number of things, which I have bought in secret.

I can't even put into words how awful I feel, and how badly I want to comfort my wife and fix myself and reconcile. Just totally at a loss for words.

Have you seen a Psychiatrist ? Some of what you a mentioning is bi-polar behavior. Does anyone in your immediate family have BPD?

Someone who knows more about it may be able to chime in. It normally presents itself earlier in life.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 3:19 PM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the insight. I haven't seen a psychiatrist (yet). To my knowledge no one in my family has BPD. I am starting with a psychologist and hopefully he will be able to help get to the bottom of whether there are clinical disorders. I am at a loss to explain why I've done what I've done. First and foremost I need to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and my family.

So you know, I am a bs (betrayed spouse)

I commend you for coming here for help. You are at the beginning and need the support.

Your bs also needs the support and it sounds like you both have the need for help.

May I tell you that your bs is hurting so badly that you can not even imagine it.

Please, go to this sites healing library. The yellow box at the top left of this screen. Read everything that pertains to your situation and then read it again.

Infidelity is the worst thing that a spouse can go through. I am not joking when I claim that.

Keep posting here for the help you need. Listen even when it gets uncomfortable for you to listen. Believe me when I say there is nothing you will hear here that is as hurtful then what your bs heard from the one person that should have been the last person to hurt her in this way.

Be vigilant and do the work.

It is encouraging for certain to see the list of things you are doing to begin with.

Do not forget your wifes pain as you move through this shit storm called infidelity.

Please read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair " by Linda Mac Donald. Then read it again and again. This will be your bible.

I send you all the strength I have to give you.

Strength

But I've also been on chat rooms and talking / having phone sex with 2 additional people for quite some time (>5 years). I guess one could say my infidelity "graduated" from less risky to very risky. All of it is bad.

So, you have been emotionally unfaithful for a really long time, relying upon outside sources for approval and excitement. My fWH did pretty much exactly what you have done. He started down that slippery slope of inappropriate boundaries and online affairs YEARS before he went on a 9-month cheating binge similar to yours. He risked his marriage, his children, his job, my life, and even his own. I can't stress to you how important it is that you not only identify in therapy WHY you did that, but that you learn how to rely upon yourself for internal fulfillment rather than seeking external sources. That's key, so any efforts to reconcile will fail without it.

Bear in mind that DDay is still really recent. It takes months for a newly-minted BS to know what s/he wants in the aftermath of this kind of betrayal. It's an abandonment wound which strikes to the core, so you'll need to be patient for a very, very long time.

Good luck. It sounds like you have a pretty solid treatment plan. Now comes the hard work of following through.

To "4kids"...

I haven't figured out how to reply to specific replies here, so I'm just replying in general.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. As you can imagine, I am grasping at straws to try to be optimistic and hopeful.

And for sure over the past week I have been focused on "covering up", then "coming clean", and on my own regret, remorse, fear, sadness, disbelief...and 1,000 more awful feelings. I'm numb, dumbfounded. It's like I'm sifting thru the actions of someone else's awful behavior...only it's not someone else. I did it.

I know that needs to shift. I know that I am the perpetrator here, and the my wife is the victim, and that I have devastated her, and that I have no sense for how badly because I CAN'T feel what she is feeling, and that I have to help her with whatever she needs. And that I don't even have a clue what that is or how to do it. I suppose it begins with awareness...so I will absolutely read that book and scour the forums as you recommend.

Thanks for the direction and the support.

To ChamomileTea (I can't figure out how to "reply to replies" so I am just replying overall)....

Thank you for your willingness to share and your insight. Coming from a BS, such as yourself, who sounds like has been victimized by very much the same behavior and chronology, your perspective is super-valuable.

Please believe me: I am not focusing just on this "recent" and "in the flesh" infidelity. I know that it's not like this recent stuff is "really bad" and that the long term stuff is "less bad". It's all terrible and it's all linked. I accept that I have been emotionally cheating for years, and that all of it is likely related to the same root problems.

My wife and I actually talked about this last night. She said that there is something I have not been getting out of this marriage, possibly from the beginning, but definitely for a long time. She said for one reason or another, she and I have not addressed these things together; perhaps because we just don't have the language to talk about it, or that we have just ignored it. She said that in therapy I have to figure out WHAT that is, WHY it made it "ok" in my stupid brain to do the things I did, and, as you said, how to fill those voids in constructive, non-destructive ways. She said -- and it amazing to me that she can even think this way right now -- that if there's voids she can fill, she will.

She is an AMAZING woman, and the love of my life. WHAT HAVE I DONE. I am breaking down in tears as I type this.....

thank you for your support and wisdom

Good for you -showing up here -sharing so candidly details of your gore and wanting help. You'll get it here but this won't be easy.

I had a four year affair that I ended almost two years ago. I am still married - but not totally sure of the long term fate.

Both my hubby and I are being as real with processing all of this A sh*t we can. I was honest from the gate when he confronted me as we were heading to divorce court. Tho fairly different details - the marriage conflict is the same as you describe.

Navigating healing from your behaviors can be done but it'll be a b*tch more days than not for a long while and it's got to be about your wife first and her hurt and healing and then for your kids if you have them.

You aren't the priority - your wife isn't supposed to help you now - you're helping her.

You can do it tho and what details and how you've described your situation sounds hopeful.

Your wife will be all over the place for at least a year with anger hurt wafting all over about loving you - hating you - she didn't know all of this - you did. Her world has been rocked in a bad way.

Be a safe place for her to let her feelings out. Give her space but stay close.

Stay posting here - get your wife some help too.

It'll be all right but gets a lot harder first.

Yesterday, I had the following text exchange with my BS, as I was leaving the doctor's office after getting tested for STDs (something I can't even believe I put myself into the position of having to do); I'm paraphrasing...

1. her to me: "this may be mean, but it's a legitimate thing. look at your children tonight and think about how much longer you have with them before they see you as the man who betrayed their mother. And broke the marriage. And changed their world view. How much longer will they look at you as their hero? That's what's on the line. Look at their faces and think about how they will look when they find out. Will they want to cuddle you anymore?"

2. BS to me "you cheated in every way a person can"

3. I continued to profess that I understand how awful, reckless and stupid I've been. I begged and pleaded for her to give reconciliation a chance...not what I should be doing right now, I know.

3. her: "i can't breathe, but I feel very little and still I'm being mean. Imagine how scary it will be when I feel? I suspect I'm going to destroy my whole life and be out of control"

4. me: "i have no words. I can not believe I did this to you. To us. I am beyond sorry. I am totally committed to ending this awful behavior forever, and to fixing whatever we can fix, and for continuing to give the kids a happy homoe to grow up in. And to beg you to give reconciliation a chance (when you are ready).

5. her "I will try and we will find a way forward. I can't commit wo the outcome and I have some serious thoughts about why/how you did this that I'd like to share".

And we talked about it in person last night. Some of which I described in my post immediately above. In a nutshell here's what she said: I have been emotionally unfaithful to her for a long time; it just escalated to much more risky behavior in the past 10 months. She said there is something I haven't been getting from her or from this marriage, possibly from the beginning, but definitely for a long time. In therapy I must figure out WHAT that is. WHY I need it so badly that I ignored catastrophic consequences and did what I did. And HOW to fill those voids in a non-destructive way. Her best guess is that I have a deep and powerful need for external validation: i'm an extrovert, I'm a fitness freak, I was an avid and beloved Facebook poster, I'm a clown and I have a unique and hysterical sense of humor, I'm a "showman", I am always the life of the party, I ask for compliments and validation a lot, etc, etc (this is her speaking). And that if she is able to help fill whatever voids there are, she will. She said our marriage will never be the same as it was. But that she is committed to making it be whatever it can be, and to keeping it together for the kids.

I stand in awe at this woman. Over the past 10 days, despite this awful revelation and the devastation she is feeling, she remains calm and kind toward me, she is talking to me daily, she does not recoil in disgust when I try to hug her or touch her, she is not lashing out with venom (yet), she is consciously keeping our interactions constructive and not being destructive. The strength of her character to be able to be this way is astounding me. If you knew what a tough, strong, independent woman she is, you would be astounded too.

I'm a drowning man looking for scraps of flotsam and jetsam to cling to for hope and reasons to be optimistic.

I can't quite convey the "relief" I feel at our exchange last night. Don't get me wrong...I know that I have to climb Mt Everest here, and I'm starting from the bottom of the Mariana Trench. But I think the following are good sings:

1. I'm trying to do everything I can to get to a point where we can start reconciling

2. She hasn't thrown me out of the house, or the bedroom, or our bed. And she hasn't left me

3. She's communicating with me. Sharing her feelings and thoughts. Responds to my texts and picks up the phone when I call.

4. We are installing monitoring apps on my devices. If she didn't want to reconcile; why would she care?

5. She wants to do couples therapy, and she is acknowledging that "something was wrong/missing" and that I was weak and chose destructive paths and that I need to figure this shit out, and that she is willing to be part of that.

6. She has said she wants to exhaust every possibility to figure out how we can make our marriage the best it can be going forward, and re-establish whatever we can.

7. She asked what the schedule is for this weekend. I said "it's empty" and I suggested a family trip to Storm King (outdoor statue park in NY) and we are going on Sunday.

PLEASE, fellow SI members, help me see reason to be hopeful in all this.

She said that there is something I have not been getting out of this marriage, possibly from the beginning, but definitely for a long time. She said for one reason or another, she and I have not addressed these things together; perhaps because we just don't have the language to talk about it, or that we have just ignored it. She said that in therapy I have to figure out WHAT that is, WHY it made it "ok" in my stupid brain to do the things I did, and, as you said, how to fill those voids in constructive, non-destructive ways. She said -- and it amazing to me that she can even think this way right now -- that if there's voids she can fill, she will.

A word of warning if you're really wanting long term R. Don't allow her to take ANY responsibility for your choice to engage in behaviors that you knew fully well were wrong. She'll hate herself for pandering to you later, and the only escape from that self-hatred will be to turn it on you.

Take absolute, full responsibility for your actions. Nothing anyone else does or fails to do can turn you into a man who isn't as good as his word. It's never been your BW's job to see to your internal fulfillment. That was always supposed to be coming from within. Two whole people enhance each other's lives... not two incomplete people vainly attempting to spackle in the missing bits. So, beware of "unmet needs" models for reconciliation. It's a popular trope with psychologists, but it's malarkey. Nobody made you do what you did.

It is so early. She just found out. Her first response will be to internalize the betrayal, as if she somehow deserved it. When she hits anger stage, it will bite you on the ass because she eventually has to externalize the pain. That's just survival. We just can't hold that much pain.

Take ALL the responsibility for your choices. They were, after all, your choices.

My 2 cents.

ETA:

I have a deep and powerful need for external validation: i'm an extrovert, I'm a fitness freak, I was an avid and beloved Facebook poster, I'm a clown and I have a unique and hysterical sense of humor, I'm a "showman", I am always the life of the party, I ask for compliments and validation a lot, etc, etc (this is her speaking). And that if she is able to help fill whatever voids there are, she will.

These are YOUR voids to fill. Not hers. You aren't a safe partner until you can meet your own internal needs.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:49 AM, July 28th (Friday)]

ChamomileTea:

I understand (at least intellectually) exactly what you are saying, and I agree 1000%.

To be clear: those words you extracted were hers, not mine (I paraphrased to be sure).

But you're right. On one hand, I need to let her say what she's going to say. On the other, I need to continuously reinforce that I own this. As you said, these were my choices. No matter what the "why" is, I ignored the consequences; I made these choices; and I took these actions. Repeatedly. With forethought and planning. Nothing my wife did or did not do caused this.

I need to explore WHY and what may or may not have been "missing", individual with my new therapist. We will do couples counseling too, and I imagine these "voids" will come up a lot during those sessions too. But I will be extremely careful to make sure that they are not excuses or rationalization or blame toward her.

And your comments are very helpful. I agree and disagree.....yes, a relationship/marriage should be two complete people building a great life together, and not two incomplete people seeking to fill in each other's gaps. But no one is really complete; and people have different strengths and weaknesses, and marriage also involves teaming, picking each other up, and compromise. Nevertheless, please don't take this as me seeking excuses. None of this caused or excuses what I did.

I agree. Your wife is trying to find where she went wrong in the marriage.

But your choice to commit infidelity had nothing to do with with the marraige.

Your wife was in the same marraige. Did she cheat?

No. The choice to cheat was because of something that is broken inside of you. That is what and where the focus should be.

I follow another infidelity recovery website and on there i read quite a bit about what your wife is blaming herself for. I had some of the same thoughts myself. One thing that I learned was "for the many good marraiges that have been plagued by infidelity, I could show you an equal amount of bad marraiges where there was no infidelity "

It was your choice to cheat and it had nothing to do with your marraige.

There was nothing your wife could have done because she was not made aware. I imagine that if you had asked her if you could have affairs, had given her the choice, she would have said NO THANK YOU.

I do realize that there can be problems in the marriage prior to your adultery, but what is it about you that you choose to cheat over all the other choices you had? That's where you need to focus. Do not allow your wife to falsely believe she had any guilty part in it.

If your marraige had problems you could have;

-talked to her about it.

-if that didn't work then you could have read marraige books.

-you could have explained your feelings to her in a letter.

-you could have sought assistance from a friend of the marraige

-Sought assistance from a pastor

-seek councilling for your self to help you communicate with your wife

-wrote another letter to her

-read another book

-ask your wife to attend councilling with you

-ask your wife for a seperation

-talk to your wife again.

-seek a divorce.

But you didn't. You cheated and she had no knowledge of this.

I wish you well and will follow your progress.

I do feel like you are really trying to do all you can do or know what to do, at this point, and I commend you for it.

One thing I learned in my early days on this forum is to take from this site what you need to and leave the rest.

People who post here are in various places in their own personal healing. They will help you with passion because they have been where you are and they know. Please try to make sure you get what they are saying even if you feel like you are being misunderstood.

So take what you need from here and leave the rest. But ponder what you leave. It may be something that is valid for you and your wife in the future.

Keep posting. Post and post and post.

The healed waywards on this site are some of the posters that I admire and respect the most. They will help you.

Strength

I wasn't committee to my marriage when my husband found out and I'm still not.

I am committed to him -and his healing. Whether we are together or not.

So you see that difference? I posted a bunch up above - you're in a tornado right now - just try to hold on to each other however you can.

You hold tighter.

Thank you to everyone.

Another thing I neglected to mention (and I can't believe I forgot)...

My wife lost her mom ("MIL" to me) to pancreatic cancer in the summer of 2015. She was diagnosed in the middle of July 2015, and died about 70 days later, the day after my birthday in September at age 63. A horrible, miserable death to an otherwise wonderful, active, vital woman. MIL's brother died of pancreatic cancer in his 50's probably 10-12 years ago. MIL's mother died of pancreatic cancer in her 70's. MIL's father died of liver cancer in his 70's (and it's suspected that pancreatic cancer may have been there too).

My wife has been tested and has the gene mutation which medical science has determined is related to pancreatic cancer. We've known this for about 1-1/2 years now. She has to undergo annual screenings, MRIs, ultrasounds, endoscopies, etc, and skin cancer screenings (apparently the marker gene for PC and for skin cancer is correlated somehow). Each of our 4 children has a 50% chance of having this gene too and we're not sure what to do about that.

It is scary for her and scary for me. And it's a specter that is not going away.

I am in NO WAY using this as rationalization or an excuse for my infidelity. I would be the worst type of monster if I even contemplated that notion. On the contrary, it amplifies my remorse and my guilt and my betrayal. LESS THAN TWO YEARS AFTER MY WIFE LOST HER MOM TO A HORRIBLE DISEASE, A DISEASE WHICH SEEMS TO BE WIPING OUT THE WHOLE SIDE OF THAT FAMILY, A DISEASE THAT MY WIFE MAY ULTIMATELY GET TOO, I CHEATED ON HER. A LOT. AND CRUSHED HER AND DEVASTATED HER. The wounds from the loss of her mom are still fresh, and look what I did.

All I am saying is that there can't be a coincidence here. Something is broken inside me. And somehow this event and its aftermath (the death of her mom) and my escalation of my infidelity have to be related. Again - NOT an excuse. Not justification. I just believe there is some linkage.

Maybe I am a monster.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 11:09 AM, July 28th (Friday)]

You are not a monster. You are a broken human being.

May I express my deepest sympathy for the loss of your family members and the potential health scares you and your wife are facing.

Stresses like those can play an impact on our behavior for certain. But you chose to cheat. You still must find out what it is about you that chose this instead of all the other choices you had.

Keep posting.

Strength

Something is broken inside me. And somehow this event and its aftermath (the death of her mom) and my escalation of my infidelity have to be related.

This is yet another weird similarity to my own fWH's escalation into physical cheating. He had become increasingly worried about my health, worried that I was going to die and he would be left alone.

It really is strange how a person can be so emotionally dependent on his/her spouse and yet push aggressively away at the same time. I think you'd be wise to bring up this topic in therapy. I think something meaningful might be there.

To ChamomileTea:

Yes. I talked about it today with my therapist and it is something we will absolutely explore.

It seems so counter-intuitive: I'm petrified about her dying of cancer because I love her so much and don't want to lose her....so then I go betray her 100-ways-to-Sunday, crush her, devastate her, and shatter a marriage that she thought was good. WHAT?? Makes no sense whatsoever.

Again: I'm not saying there is any cause-and-effect here. It's not like "i'm convinced she's going to die, and therefore i'm going to cheat on her or seek to find an understudy for her".

But there has to be some relation, so it's something I will dig into.

[This message edited by mcw922 at 1:41 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

No stop sign so I have a 2x4 for you.

We BSs do not like to hear the phrase "I have no words", especially when it is response to a question or series of questions that we spent hours thinking about how to ask.

While there are all sorts of psychological reasons the one that many WS are afraid to admit to is they enjoyed it, the AP(s) was exciting, fun and more interesting than the spouse.

WS need to admit that first, then get into the beard scratching about the why. Most WS were not kidnapped, tricked or drugged, they went into the A as an adult...eyes wide open.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:53 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

mcw922

I am a BS. And I am happy to see that you are starting the process to make yourself a better man. One thing you need to do going forward is to work on fixing yourself and not try and force the outcome you want. Your wife had no say in what you did and so she needs to be the one in the drivers seat moving forward giving her terms on what she wants and if she can R. It's your job to work on fixing yourself even if your wife would want a divorce. Because you need to understand why you did this so you are a safe partner for either your wife of you R or someone new if you D.

My H had sex with 4 diff women. He had varying degrees of inappropriate behavior with 5 others. He too was on Ashley Madison. We were married 20 years with 5 kids when I found out. On Dday I thought I would die. I could not believe this was my life. That was Oct 2014 and I stayed. Why?? I always said I would leave if there was infidelity but when it actually happened I wanted to give my family a chance at staying together so I set my terms and then I watched what he did. His actions proved to me whether he was serious about R or not.

Thankfully he was so tired and disgusted by his secret life that he did everything I told him I needed which is very similar to what you are already doing:

1. No contact letters sent

2. Transparency (all passwords, gps locator, etc)

3. Full confession to his parents and church clergy

4. Counseling for him to figure out his whys

Those are just a couple of the things he did. He has shown me since Oct 2014 that he wants me from his actions. He doesn't get defensive when I yell and am hurt. He doesn't minimize what he did.

From a BS your poor wife will go through hell. She will wonder what the other women had that she didn't. She will have mind movies when you have sex. Her identity will be lost. Her innocence will be forever gone. It is SO hard to stay even with a remorseful husband doing everything he possibly can. She will be on the worst roller coaster ride of her life. She will love you and hate you in the same minute and that is a VERY confusing place to be. I still have days where I feel that way.

It's a very traumatizing experience to have your world blow up and not know what was going on in your own marriage. You are the big scary monster under the bed and when you R you have to make nice to that monster and nurture the relationship and that is so impossibly difficult to do. When someone is assaulted and the offender goes to jail the victim does not have to go home and sleep in the same bed as the offender. They don't have to be intimate with the very assaliant after the fact. For me, the betrayal part of it is even harder than the grief. My sister who was my best friend died 9 months before dday and losing her devastated me and then I had dday and this has been so much harder than losing her because she didn't choose to die but my husband willfully chose to cheat.

I wish I could talk with your wife. Please send her my best

Hope

Dude,

Seriously...

If someone needs you to "complete" you, you are in essence eating their soul.

A relationship should be the icing on the cake, not the cake.

It should be two healthy people who CHOOSE to be together and subsequently merge lives.

That whole complete me/you thing is the biggest lie ever told.